The Bachelorette: Emily {Week 7} A little about Prague, a lot about me

Well, it's Week 7 and Emily and the remaining guys are off the destroy international relations in the Czech Republic this week. Right out of the gate, can I just say that this was the lamest episode possibly of any season ever. And not just of the Bachelorette. Like, in television history. Or maybe I'm just distracted. See, today is my birthday so, in the middle of the episode, I paused the TV and decorated my own birthday cake. (Because I like to, not because my family won't buy me one.) Anyway, since I LOVE my birthday and since the episode was so dull, I've decided to try to work in 33 references to my birthday in this post. So far, we're at 4. Good start for the first paragraph, huh? Plus, I bet this won't get annoying at all.

Anyway, Emily. She tells us that the being in Prague is like being back in the olden days. I've always found this phrase to be a little non-specific. How old? World War II? The Renaissance? The Plague? Creation? Telling me Prague looks like the olden days does nothing to actually describe Prague to me. And I'm a little bitter about that. When I was studying in Italy, some people went to Prague on one of our travel breaks. I didn't go. I don't remember exactly why but I think it was some really intelligent reason like "Prague looks like 'plaque'." Then they came back and were all "It's so beautiful..." So, if anyone wants to get me a birthday gift, a trip to Prague would suffice. (5)

Chris meets the guys and tells them they are the six guys Emily definitely sees a future with and that this is by far the most serious week. Well, actually I would think the most serious week would be the final week when it's down to 2 guys and she chooses one to say she'll marry, be engaged to for a few months, then grace the cover of every supermarket checkout lane magazine discussing their break up. Also, this week... a change up in the dates. 3 one-on-one dates and one group date. Only the group date will have a rose up for grabs. So, on the one-on-one, just relax and make sure to make the most of your time with Emily. Or whatever. Chris then tells the guys to go find their hotel. Wandering around Prague is a recurring theme this week. More on that later.

The guys get to their suite. One of them says "WHOA!!" I know it was supposed to come off as excited, but it mostly came off as "Whoa. It looks like an old lady decorated this suite..." because it did. Sean finds the card for the first one-on-one: "Arie, let's Czech out Prague together"

Oh boy, that's clever. Using "Czech" instead of "check". If I weren't already so busy working in references to my birthday (6), I would totally see how many times I could Czech up this post!

Arie goes to get ready. And shaves with an electric razor. Not that there's anything wrong with an electric razor, but if I have to watch someone get ready, there's something to be said for shirtless and shaving cream. Maybe that's just me... but it seems more manly. At least for television purposes. Basically, I have no real interest in watching people shave, but if I have to, I want to watch them shave traditionally. Like they did in the olden days.

Emily arrives at the suite carrying her Eyewitness Travel Guide to Prague. Ugh. At least spring for Frommer's or Lonely Planet. Or, my personal choice because tourists annoy me: Rick Steves. Although I suspect now even Rick Steves' spots are overrun with tourists. But, at the very least, she would be carrying around his book "Europe through the back door" and that would certainly keep Arie amused. "Back door. He he he."

Besides her choice in guide books, Emily's attire proves she is neither a true tourist or a local. But rather a, um, well, hmmm. I don't know what to call someone wearing a jacket, books, and beaded lace shorts. Oh wait, yeah I do. Seriously, lace shorts? Please do NOT get me those for my birthday. (7)

Emily says walking around Prague with Arie, she can pretend "it's my husband and I on vacation". Because apparently, for my birthday (8), Emily wants to give me an aneurysm.

Arie yells "English? English?" at a few shopkeepers. Gee, I can't imagine why Americans have a reputation throughout Europe for being obnoxious. After everyone ignores them (everyone who probably speaks fluent English but wisely realized pretending not to would make the beady eyed man and his hired lady leave sooner) Emily and Arie walk up the street, kissing the whole way. Not stopping to kiss (yet) but just a walk-and-kiss. Ugh.

Then she tells us that she knows something about Arie that he's not telling her.

They stop at a statue. Her Eyewitness Travel Guide says they are to rub the lady in the picture (wow, that sounds inappropriate) to bring love to their lives and the dog in the picture to bring loyalty. She makes Arie rub the dog a few times.

After the commercial break, we're suddenly back at the LA mansion with Chris Harrison. What the?! Chris begins a very rehearsed speech about how we may have heard about Arie's relationship with a producer on the show, Cassie Lambert. How it was several years ago and very brief, but Cassie took it upon herself to tell Emily when it became apparent that Emily had strong feelings for Arie. "We taped a sequence of Cassie telling Emily..."

Except, no they didn't. They began with Cassie adjusting Emily's microphone and then stepping out of the shot. We didn't see what she told Emily. Probably because it started with "Look, I was strictly forbidden from telling you this, but..."  You caught Chris' "took it upon herself" bit, right? Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the powers that be were none to happy that Cassie spilled the beans.

Emily is upset and wonders what else Arie is hiding. He didn't even mention knowing Cassie, let alone dating her. Cassie snaps back into "Company Man" mode and says "It was so long ago that we really don't know each other anymore". Emily says she just wished he would have mentioned it. Cassie says "I'm sure it never came up."

And, +1 for Emily for saying that she had mentioned Cassie several times "Cassie is so great. Cassie is engaged to Paul. (I think that's the name she said, can't remember. Not important.) Cassie this, Cassie that." and that would have been the time for him to say "Yeah, I know her."

Emily's main point was that, had she been told upfront, she wouldn't have cared at all. "So you knew someone you thought was a good fit for me. Like being set up. Cool." but by hiding it, they made it into a thing and made Emily feel like an idiot. She goes on to say that she's upset in a real-life way, not a production way.

All in all, I don't have a lot to add to this part. I thought Emily was dead on. She obviously gets the production side of things and is aware that there is a lot of behind the scenes tweaking. She's been a "contestant" and now a lead. She's not oblivious. But that the person she spends the most time with (Cassie) and with whom she probably felt she was developing a real friendship... and that the guy who is a clear front runner... didn't even mention knowing each other bothered her. To me, that's also a bit suspicious. Especially since Cassie DID end up telling her. If Cassie really thought it was "no big deal", why mention it at all? Obviously something triggered her deciding to tell Emily. And, since Cassie came off as one of the bad guys, I doubt it was just done to perk up an otherwise incredibly dull afternoon in Prague.

Next, the remainder of Emily's date (the stuff above happened during the date in one of those scenes where Emily is away from Arie giving a few soundbites about how the date is going). She starts grilling Arie about whether or not he's completely open with her. He says he is. She says a few times that she wants a relationship with no secrets. Arie agrees and decides to confess that..... he had a relationship with her producer had the name of the woman he lived with tattooed on his arm but had it covered up. He also fails to mention that he had it covered up just before coming on the show. I read that somewhere but even if I hadn't, it's pretty obvious. That tattoo is jet black. It's obviously not more than a few months old. Anyway, he's open and honest and wants no secrets. So does Emily. No secrets. They say this a few time.

Ugh.

I have never really understood that. On one hand, I totally get how important honesty is in a relationship. Almost every problem my husband and I have had is because one of us wasn't honest with the other or ourselves about a situation. I'm not saying either of us are pathological liars but just that there are a lot of things that we could have been more open about and avoided problems. The ol' "I'm fine" or "it doesn't matter" when really you should just say "Here's what's upsetting me.....  now let's figure out how to fix it together." So, in that regard, yay honesty!! (And obviously I strongly condemn outright lying, intentionally , and hiding things because you know your significant other won't approve... but I just think it's the day to day "no big deal" stuff that ends up compounding into bigger stuff. You know, like if you dated someone that your "girlfriend" is becoming really good friends with. You should probably mention that.) On the other hand, I don't think "no secrets" means "no mystery". If my husband murdered someone, I'd want to know. But frankly, I do not care at all if he wipes his hiney back to front or front to back. I have no idea how he feels about eggplant. I don't know his blood type. (Okay, that is one "secret" I probably should ask about.) Anyway, when people say "no secrets", I always wonder if they mean that in a spirit of the law (my theory about honesty) or a letter of the law (how he wipes his butt) kind of way. Plus, some secrets are good for a time... for example, I don't yet know what my husband got me for my birthday. (9)
deceiving

Of course, Emily doesn't care about any of this. All she really cares about is one particular secret. And its name is Cassie.

Back from commercial, we are once again greeted by Chris. He says that Emily, Arie, and Cassie had a very honest conversation about this situation. Unfortunately it was off camera. Unfortunately? The only place this show doesn't have a camera is pointed directly at the toilet. Otherwise, Emily is never more than a few feet from a camera. I find it highly unlikely that this conversation wasn't caught on camera. More likely, whatever was said would have been too hard to edit together in a believable sequence that came off as flattering to The Bachelor franchise. Not to mention that Emily is their golden child so they couldn't make her too upset or too whiney. So, it "wasn't caught on camera". Then Chris says "Here's what was discussed..."  Um, how does he know? Was he there too? Arie said it was so brief and so long ago that it didn't really matter. Emily then realized that her relationship with Arie wasn't affected. Read: We quickly reminded Emily that we were paying her a lot of money and that we really liked Arie, so she needed to suck it up. Then we said "But he's such a good kisser!!" and Emily decided that kissing was more important than honesty.

Back to their date, Emily tells Arie it was just a misunderstanding and she should have given him the benefit of the doubt.

If it seems like I went on and on about this, it's because I did. And because it was by far the only significant thing that happened this week. And even it ended up being insignificant. And also, I still hate Arie's face.

Oh, and at dinner, Arie tells Emily he loves her. Because if you've just hurt a girls feelings and you're afraid she'll dump you before you get in her pants, you should always say "But I love you!"

Emily says Arie telling her this was scary and changed everything but made her the happiest girl. Ugh. You know what would make me the happiest girl? If for my birthday (10), I got a mani / pedi and a massage. And also, world peace.

Moving along, Emily has a one-on-one with John. Yes, he's still here. His only contribution thus far has been showing her prayer cards in his wallet. And using the glare off his forehead to solar power things. Emily greets John in t-shirt, jacket, and pants. In case you were wondering how she felt about him. Arie gets lacy hot pants. John gets jeggings. He should have just excused himself then and caught a cab to the airport.

Instead, they look at the John Lennon wall... a tribute to music, poetry, and such that was censored during Communism. Or something. Hold on... I need to Google fact check to see if this is real...   and Wikipedia says yes. Oooh, you know what would really make me the happiest birthday girl ever? (11) If I could go back in time and see a Beatles concert. I love them. Though, as a birthday consolation prize (12), feel free to send me to Vegas to see Love, the Cirque du Soleil show based on Beatles music.

They paint a little boat on the wall and write a note or something. Then they head to a fence where people write something about love on a padlock and lock it to gate, thus sealing their love. Or something. Emily whips out a giant Sharpie. (Never mind that John used a regular sized on back at the wall) She writes their initials on the lock. John tries to clip it in place. It doesn't go. Emily tells us that this is symbolic of their relationship. They can't quite connect.

They have dinner in a dungeon. The only remotely interesting part was when Emily said she wants to go deeper with John and everyone with their minds in the gutter giggled. Also, John's ex-girlfriend cheated on him. After their first anniversary, she went completely off the grid and he found out from her sister she was with "some doctor dude". They do some grandmotherly kissing and then Emily returns John to the suite.

This is one of the only times I remember seeing the guy come home after his date. Of course, it had nothing to do with John but rather was a chance for Sean to "realize Emily was still nearby" and that he "had to see her". So he "sneaks out" and "wanders around the streets of Prague" shouting "EMILY! EMILY!" until he finally finds her. Because what every girl wants is a crazed stalker following her through the deserted streets of a foreign city. Oh wait, Emily DOES want that...

They make out. A lot. They also talk about how he "snuck out". Emily asks if he's going to get in trouble. Yeah, okay. Mostly, they make out. Then the stop in a little cafe and get beers. I hope Sean at least had his wallet. Although a deportation would have been more interesting. Also, for my birthday (13), do not get me beer. Thanks.

Time for the group date with Chris, Doug, and Sean. In various clips throughout this episode, we've seen Chris back at the hotel whining. He's this season's THAT GUY who can't handle that Emily is spending time with other guys and that he hasn't had a one-on-one is so long and waaaa waaa waaaa. This date starts off no differently. Two carriage arrive to take Emily and the guys up to a castle. Chris gets stuck riding with Sean while Emily rides with Doug.  Waaa waaa waaa.

My only comment here is that I've been on carriage rides before and I've seen carriages lined up to give rides in almost every major city I've visited. Nearly all of them held six people. What are the chances carriages in Prague only hold two? Well, I didn't really pay that much attention [this was after my long birthday cake decorating pause (14)] to these carriages but I'm guessing all four of them could have fit in one. But what fun would that be? Listening to Chris whine is more fun. Geesh. Even my barely-three year old niece knows that whiners are wieners. (I have no idea who taught her that. I wasn't me. Except that it totally was.)

After wandering the castle a bit (or, if the outtake at the end is to be believed, playing hide and seek) Emily pulls Doug aside to talk. While they are talking, he bumps her leg. Then apologizes. Emily grimaces. I assume she's thinking what I'm thinking: How did this guy ever create a child if he can't even bump a girl's leg without apologizing? I mean, seriously, Doug. You bumped her leg. You didn't hump her leg. [Terrible idea for a birthday present, by the way. (15)] No apology is really necessary. As I've said before, I do kind of like Doug. I appreciate that he's not mauling Emily like the rest of the guys, but he's too timid for real life, let alone high drama reality television.

Emily apparently agrees with me. As they walk through the courtyard, she tells Doug that she's been waiting for something to happen. He tells the camera that he keeps hoping she'll give him the "Hey big dummy, give me a kiss" eyes. I'm not sure what those eyes look like. Nor do I have any desire to find out. She continues talking about not minding that he's slower with the "physical connection" but that maybe he's too slow. The whole speech has a very ominous tone. Unless you're Doug. Who takes that moment to lean in and give her a quick peck. Oh, Doug. Doug, Doug, Doug.

She tells him that he is a gentleman almost to a fault. Then she says she has too much respect for him and his son to come to his hometown and meet Austin when she knows it's not going anywhere. She says she should walk him out. He says he feels like an idiot for giving her that kiss. I think we can all agree that it was idiotic.

He cries in the car. Not surprising.

Now Emily is left with an awkward two-on-one with the guy she wants to make out with and Chris. Awesome. She shows the guys two keys on the table and tells them whichever key opens this little cave thing gets to go have alone time first. Naturally, it's Sean's key. Naturally, Chris is not jazzed about this.

When he does get time with her, he grills her about why he hasn't had a one-on-one and says he's a little upset.

Needless to say, she gives the group date rose to Sean. Anyone want to guess what Chris does?

Lastly, her one-on-one with Jef. The date card encouraged Jef to tug at her pants heartstrings This time, she's wearing a long sweater, boots with fringe, and possibly breaking the "tights are not pants" rule. Oh, and because her legs are so tiny, the boots look like the boots Barbie wears that are made big enough to get her non-bendy feet down in them but, as a result, stick out a mile from her calf. If I had to guess, Emily is probably a pretty stylish person in real life. But I would assumes she's more of that classic White House / Black Market kind of stylish. Not the Call Girl Chic that the wardrobe department has repeatedly chosen for her. I read somewhere that the budget for her clothing this season was something like $350K. So, wow, ugly clothes are way more expensive than cute ones, apparently. If you still haven't decided on a gift for me (16), the something from the aforementioned White House / Black Market would do. Or JCPenney. I'm not ashamed that probably half my wardrobe comes from Penney's.

She and Jef wander into a marionette shop. The shop guy demonstrates a moonwalking Michael Jackson marionette. While it's true dolls creep me out, [so mark that off your gift list (17)] that was kind of cool. Jef and Emily "buy" marionettes that supposedly look a little like them. Emily's is a princess. Jef's has a weird moustache. They leave the shop but Jef scurries back in and "buys" a little girl marionette. Of course, Emily is touched that Jef thought of Ricki.

Next, they wander into a library. That just happens to be empty. While we're on the subject of honesty, would anyone really object to them just saying "This is the such and such library. We rented it out for the day"? It's not like we're under the delusion that this is a low-budget show. And also, how much can renting out a library in Prague really cost? It's not like they rented out DisneyWorld. [Ooooh, another great gift idea. If you can only choose one park, pick EPCOT please. (18)]

They decide to reenact their relationship using their marionettes. Yes, it was as awkward and disturbing as it sounds. Except for Jef. He said "Since we have these puppets, it somehow makes it easier to express some big feelings." Oh. My. Goodness. Dude, if you need to express your feelings via puppet, I just don't know... I mean, I was pulling for Jef but now I'm not so sure. I'm suddenly a little worried for Ricki's safety.

And saying "I'm a million percent in love with you"? I'm still not sure if that was Jef as Jef saying that to Emily as Emily or if it was limited just to Puppet Jef and Puppet Emily. But, honestly, I'd rather not give it too much thought.

They sprawl a blanket out on the floor. Good thing they had a blanket handy since they just happened to wander into the library. Or, perhaps that was one of the library's conditions. "Ya, okay, you can film zee veird American show here but plez do not get bodily fluiz on zee floor." (Read in a Czech accent).

They make out some. Then they talk about hometown dates. Jef says his parents won't be there because they are committed to something in South Carolina for a few years but some of his siblings will. (Though he doesn't say it, they are mission presidents for the Mormon Church. Jef says he is still active in church, but not the Mormon faith. And, by the way, I don't point that out for any particular reason other than I figured people were wondering what his parents were committed to that they couldn't get away. And then I figured the next question would be "So is Jef Mormon? If they get married, would Emily have to become Mormon?" So there, now you don't have to ask.)

Next, Jef asks what she thinks about living together before they are married. She says she's actually not too keen on it. She thinks if you move in together and things get hard, you can just leave but that's not the kind of relationship she wants. She wants the commitment of marriage and knowing that you need to work through the things that aren't fun and not just move out. Jef says that's exactly how he feels too. And now I'm back to liking Jef and Emily together the best. I thought that was a pretty level-headed thing for her to say, especially in light of the fact that she has a young daughter. I know people have pretty strong opinions on either side of the issue, but I'm a "not live together first" kind of person so I liked this part. But if Emily picks one of the other guys (or even Jef) and changes her mind and they move in together, that's not any of my business.

Then Jef asks how soon after getting married she would want kids. She answers honestly with "Yesterday". I think that's pretty apparent by now.

Finally, Jef leans over and whispers "I want to date you so hard and marry the (bleep) out of you". Which sounds kind of crude, except it made me laugh. Not because it was clever but because it must mean that Jef spends a lot of time on Pinterest. Seriously, it's been repinned about 10 billion times. Want to see what I mean? Click here... but be aware it says something other than (bleep).

Also, I was laughing because of another thing on Pinterest. The whole time they were in the library, all I could think of was the pin with Beast (of Beauty and the) trying to make Belle happy by saying "I'll get her a library. (Bleeps) love libraries." It's true. Well, I'm not a (bleep) (which, by the way, is a different bleep than in the last paragraph. Pinterest has a potty mouth sometimes.) but I would love a library. Maybe for, oh, I don't know... my birthday. (19)

The next day, the guys sit around waiting for the cocktail party. This week has featured a lot of scenes of the guys sitting around. And each time they are discussing their feelings. Look, I wasn't born yesterday... because, obviously, I was born on this day 33 years ago (20), so I know that guys don't sit around discussing their feelings. At least not ones who aren't participating in some sort of court ordered group therapy. Maybe a quick "How are things going with that girl?" or whatever, but not conversation after conversation about their perspective on their relationship and the relationship everyone else has with Emily. I know they can't watch TV or anything so they can't discuss current sports, but that just means they would discuss past sports. "No, dude, the best play ever was when Scottie Pippen had that sweet assist to Michael Jordan in the championship game..."  "I beg to differ. That time when Jose Canseco hit that ball really far..." (As I've mentioned before, I am a sports fan, but I'm not a sports fact memorizer... so I'm just making up things here, but you get the point.) Also things they might have discussed? Which Jessica is hotter: Beal or Alba? Or "Who can fart the loudest?" Or "Hey, watch this" followed by a loud thud and/or breaking glass. But feelings? Unlikely.

Emily, once again, has requested to speak with Chris Harrison. I like how Chris assumes the role of Supreme Commander of the The Bachelorette when, in fact, his only responsibilities are to count roses and explain dates. Oh, and provide faux-counseling. Anything else Emily wants to probably has to be vetted by a team of producers and executives. Or was already suggested to her by them. It's not like Chris just looks at Mike Fleiss, the executive producer, and says "Nope. We're not doing it that way. Emily wants to do it this other way." More like Emily has already talked to 40 other people and then someone tells Chris, "Hey, go in there and act surprised when she says she doesn't need a cocktail party tonight."  Because that's what Emily said. She already knew what decision she was going to make and putting someone through a cocktail party was unfair.

Thanks to PThurm for making me laugh with the "blue aluminum foil" tweet.

Chris goes to tell the guys this. Of course Contestant Chris freaks out some more. Now he'll never get a chance to apologize for his douchey behavior the other night. Meanwhile, John is stoked. Now Chris will never get a chance to apologize for his douchey behavior the other night. Waaa haaa haa. He even says "Game over. The rose is mine." to the camera. Want a sure fire way to tell who's going home? It's the guy who looks directly at the camera (or at someone else) and says "I am 100% sure I am not going home." We see this same logic on dates. "I hope the date has nothing to do with earthworms. I'm terrified of earthworms." Yep, pretty much guarantees you an earthworm festival on your date.

Do I even need to go through my usual psychic glimpse into Emily's mind as she hands out roses? I think it's pretty obvious that Sean, Jef, and Arie are her top choices. Sean already has a rose. She gives Jef and Arie roses next.

Chris Harrison swoops in to say there is just one rose left. [Which reminds me, roses are not my favorite but an acceptable birthday gift. Lillies, tulips, or just a nice summery mix would be fine. (21)]

Contestant Chris interrupts and says he would like a moment to speak with Emily. She agrees and they walk off together. He aplogizes and says he should have been more respectful the other day and that he's ready to be the man she and Ricki deserve... because he's falling in love with her.

They return to the group and Emily gives Chris the final rose. Hey John, maybe don't take up gambling, okay? So much for 100% sure.

John takes his departure pretty well. He says he's hurt but you can't force something you don't see. I don't know if he cried or not. I was busy swiping icing out of the mixer and not adding it to may calorie tracker. Because birthday calories don't count. (22).

Next week, hometowns. At this point, should I say I am 100% sure Chris goes home? Or would that mean he stays and I should say I am 100% sure he stays so that it will result in him going home? Either way, I can't see any scenario in which Chris stays. If it had been an option, I think she would have only take 3 guys to hometowns, but that probably would have messed too much with their filming schedule. Or maybe she didn't ask Chris Harrison, Supreme Commander of the The Bachelorette, in time. Either way, Chris is filler. They don't have nearly the chemistry she has with the other guys. I'd bet my birthday cake (23) that he goes home next week. But, I hope we get some good Chicago-y shots in the meantime. Maybe we'll run into Frank or Ed or any of the previous hometownies from the area.

I'm not sure though. There wasn't much in the way of previews. Just another one of those misty montages. Ooooh, oooh! That's what I want for my birthday! (24) To never see another misty montage on this show again. Anyway, there was a quick glimpse of each date and a lot of Emily crying about how hard this is. Or maybe she stubbed her toe. Because the choice itself can't be that hard. So long, Chris.

And, there you have it. This week's recap. It appears I've fallen short of my goal to mention my birthday (25) 33 times... so now I'm forced to decide if I want to say "birthday" (26) several more times or just stay 26. Hmmm...

26 was actually not a great year for me. So, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday!!! (33)

The Bachelorette: Emily {Week 6} Bye Bye Beardy

Week 6, which mostly means we've got Week 7 to get through and then the following week will be Hometown Dates. You know I love those! Last season didn't feature any uber-crazy families, so here's hoping this season will!

But, for now, we're in Croatia. Dubrovnik, to be exact. Not "Brevnik" like Emily kept saying last week. Dubrovnik. A coastal town of about 42,000 people situated on the Adriatic Sea. Yeah, I totally Wikipedia'ed that. Also, until 1472, the official language was Latin.

It's just Emily this week, as little Ricki has flown back to the States with her babysitter. Babysitter? Hmmm. Normally I think "nanny" can sound a bit pretentious, but when you're putting your daughter on an international flight with a non-relative, I think "nanny" is the way to go. It just sounds fancier. And less like you left your child in the care of a 14 year old with braces and a Justin Bieber ringtone.

As for the guys, John says Croatia is "cool as hell". Which makes me curious if he knows a lot about hell, because historically it's not known for cool temperatures. And Jef loses a brownie point from me as he says that "Croatia is the perfect place to fall in love". In case you're new here, I hate that expression. If the only reason you fall in love is the surrounding geography, you're probably in trouble when you return to your normal geography. Like beer goggles, except for a vacation. Though vacation may involve a lot of beer for some people.

The guys hang out in their suite and Emily comes in to greet them. Is this a new thing? Chris Harrison gets a week off mid-season? It happened with Ben's season, too. I mean, the guy has two jobs... greet people at the beginning of the episode and tell them - for the eleventy-third time - how the dates will work, then preside over the Rose Ceremony and shout "UNO!!" when there's only one rose left. (Okay, seriously, who can I talk to about getting that to happen?) At any rate, Emily drops off the date card. She doesn't even explain that anyone without a rose will be on a plane back to America immediately. And this doesn't seem like the kind of crowd who can figure that out on their own. So the poor guys she didn't give roses to are probably still in Croatia like "Wow, we haven't seen Emily in a few months. I'm starting to think we don't get any more dates..."

The first date card goes to Travis. And also the giant zit on his neck. Not that I'm judging adult acne because I totally get it, but I also get concealer. If you've already lowered your standards enough to carry around an ostrich egg for three episodes, I don't think you should have any qualms about using a small amount of make up to cover your massive blemish.

Travis greets Emily and says "You look gorgeous!" to which she replies "You look nice."

At this point, I think we can just fast-forward to the part where she doesn't give him a rose. "You look nice"? Kiss of death! And, incidentally, the only kiss Travis will be getting from Emily.

But, in case you're just itching to know what transpired on their date, they got ice cream, Emily carried around a Croatian language book, they two-stepped in the street to some guy playing a stringed instrument while dressed like a court jester, and they gawked at the Balancing Stone.

Supposedly if you can balance on this little stone with a carved face jutting out from a wall and take your shirt or jacket off while doing so, you'll be lucky in love. (Believe it or not, this is a legit custom according to the Google search I did. Well, sort of. Here's what one website said: "It is a local custom, you have to balance, take your shirt off, put it on and after that you will meet love of your life.") Travis tries to balance but can't manage to remove any clothing while doing so. Emily tells the camera she's pretty bummed because she wanted to see what was under that shirt. Probably so she could say "Oh, you look nice."

At dinner, anyone want to guess what Emily asks about? Surely not the ex-girlfriend, right? Well, actually, right. Because it's an ex-fiancee in Travis' case.

"What did you do wrong?" Emily asks, obviously trying to win a Sensitive Date of the Year award.

"I don't think I did anything wrong. And I don't think she did anything wrong. It just wasn't right."

Hey, Trav, that's actually a good answer!! Emily agrees. But then seems totally put off that Travis hasn't gone on a single date in the two years since his engagement ended. It's been, what, about a year and a half since Emily and Brad broke up? Aside from any dating she did off-camera, she's already dated 25 dudes since Brad. Clearly, Travis needs to step up the pace.

In a somewhat cruel move, Emily picks up the rose and begins to tell Travis how she likes that he's always smiling... but that she thinks they just have a friendship connection, not romance, and she can't give him the rose. Okay, fair enough, but why pick up the rose and try to fake the dude out? Not cool, Em. Also not cool? Saying "You didn't do anything wrong..."  Okay, honestly, I don't think she said that as a throw back to his earlier comment about his engagement. I don't think Emily is mean. It probably was just an honest answer and an unfortunate coincidence.

With that, Travis leaves. He says that rejection sucks, with a capital SUCKS. Then he cries a little. I think. I was distracted by his faux hawk.

That said, I actually liked Travis. Not for Emily, but for a regular girl. Funny, Southern, and relatively good looking. Egg carrying and giant zit aside, totally someone I would set a friend up with. Best wishes, Travis!

Repetitive behaviors. Repetitive behaviors.

A few days ago, I posted on Facebook that I'd only checked the alarm clock 3 times the night before. Down from the usual eleventy-six. I thought it showed great promise.

Seriously, I usually check the alarm countless times. I use the alarm on my iPhone. Well, alarms, actually. I have two of them set. Even though the little button switches to blue and clearly says "On", I just can't shake the thought that I will mess it up somehow. I'm not sure why this freaks me out so much. Of course, no one wants to oversleep, but if it happened, the world wouldn't end. My boss is incredibly cool. As long as it wasn't happening weekly, he's not going to flip out and fire me because once every couple of years I oversleep. Still, the thought haunts me. So I check the alarm. Then I check it again. And a few more times. And then I ask my husband if he has his alarm set.

In reply to my post, my friend Serena offered a helpful suggestion. She said her husband does similar things, like obsessing over whether or not he unplugged the iron. So, he employed a code word. When he does unplug the iron, he says "Cougar!" or some other word. Then, when he's freaking out in the driveway, he can come to terms with the fact that he DID unplug the iron because he knows he said "Cougar!"

I thought "Hey, that's a pretty good idea!"

Then I spent the next 24 hours trying to figure out what word to pick. And was I just supposed to pick one word? Or a different word for each of the tasks that trip me up? Because, let's say I chose "banana"... so I say "banana" when I've successfully set my alarm clock. Then, then next morning when I turn off my hair straightener, I say "banana". Then when I have tugged once on the front door to make sure it's locked, I say "banana" again. So I get to work and think "Did I turn off my hair straightener?" and I can't be sure because I've said "banana" so many times recently... how I can I be certain it was "hair straightener banana" and not "tug on the door banana"?! Clearly, I will need separate words for each task. But how will I keep the words straight? Should I put them on an index card?

No. That seems a little OCD.

I know, right? You were wondering when I would get to that.

The thing is, I don't know that I actually have OCD. Maybe a twinge, but I kind of think we all do. For me, those few tasks I mentioned and maybe one or two others are the only things I get huffy about. Other than that, I don't wash my hands 46 times. I don't have to turn clockwise three times when I enter a room. I don't turn the lights on and off a set number of times. My house is definitely not compulsively neat. It's kind of cluttered, but not hoarder-ish either. I don't have OCD. I'm just quirky. And logical.

After all, it is perfectly reasonable to be bothered by the fact that my husband organizes his DVDs by genre instead of alphabetically. And won't even concede to organizing them alphabetically within each genre. I can never find a freaking movie. How am I supposed to know if Sahara is action or comedy? It's kind of both. That's not OCD. That's annoying.

And so what if I occasionally tap someone on the shoulder at church and ask them to put their song book back in the rack correctly. I mean, why would you put it back upside down? That's just silly. And backwards?! It interrupts the nice, clean flow of the pew. That's not OCD. That's aesthetics.

Why wouldn't you want to make sure all your digital clocks are set to the same time? It's not that hard to stand in the kitchen with one hand on the stove and one on the microwave and have someone else stand at clock / radio beside the bed (from back before we used our iPhones but still have for some reason) and then say "NOW!" when the minute clicks over. It's not like the kitchen and bedroom are in slightly different time zones. That's not OCD. That's science. Or geography.

Plus, a box of crayons should be kept in ROYGBIV order. Why wouldn't all the purples want to hang out together from lightest to darkest? When choosing a green, wouldn't you rather have all the choices right together so you can easily tell the nuances between them? If I'm going to color Tinkerbell with my niece, I think it should be the official Tinkerbell green. That's not OCD. That's art.

I am not a germaphobe. Really, I'm not. So I sprayed one roommate with Lysol. But she was very sick and I told her that I needed to spray down the living room. It's not my fault she stayed on the couch. That's not OCD. That's legitimate decontamination.

So what if can't stand for things to be asymmetrical? I mean, one-shouldered tops and dresses are pretty but I would just feel off-balanced. And it's unfair to the other shoulder. And why wouldn't you want all the words on a document lined up perfectly? That's not OCD. That's Asymmetriphobia. It's different.

Who doesn't have a violent reaction to repetitive sounds? I'm from the digital age. I see no value in a ticking clock. I can trust that time is passing without having to hear it do so. Also, not putting your phone on silent when it's right beside you out in public and making me hear your text ding every 12 seconds is rude. And leaving the keyboard clicks turned on on your touchscreen device is pure evil. That's not OCD. That's manners.

So, I think it's clear I don't have OCD. I've done plenty of research on this. Not an obsessive amount, mind you. Just plenty. These things don't interfere with my life. I do not fear horrible things will happen if I don't perform these tasks. Except maybe the hair straightener. But that's not OCD. That's electrical fires. I am not superstitious. ("But I am a little 'stitious...") At any rate, the code word thing might be a good idea.

After some Facebook crowdsourcing, I've decided on "BAZINGA!"

The jury is still out as to whether I need additional words for other tasks. I probably do, right?

Oh, crap. Never mind. Don't answer that. I do not have a strong need for your approval or reassurance. If I did, I would have to mark "Yes" on number 53 of the self-test for OCD that I printed off the internet.


Seriously though, I can joke about these things because I know it's weird what things bother me and what things don't. If I actually reached a point where these things were taking up large amounts of my time, consuming a lot of my thoughts, or where my family was concerned about me, I would absolutely get help. Whether it's OCD, depression, an eating disorder, or any other mental health concern, there should be no shame or judgment in talking to a doctor or therapist! If you're in a place where you can laugh at yourself, like I am, I'll laugh with you if you want. But I'll never laugh at you if you're struggling.

The Bachelorette: Emily {Week 5} Kalon chaos and I declare a favorite

Ssssh... do you hear that? Riiiiiing.... Riiiiing... Yep! There it is! London calling!!

That's right, this week Emily and her merry men descend upon the UK. On behalf of an American who is fascinated by British things, I apologize to London.

This time, the cheesy FlipCam video isn't of the guys traveling but rather Emily and Ricki riding around on a double decker bus. It was really riveting stuff.

Chris meets up with the guys in Trafalgar Square. Or, as the guys probably call it, "Ummm... that one place..." He congratulates them on being the last 10 left. Once again, I think we should hold our congratulations until maybe the 4 guys who get hometown dates, but what do I know? Chris then asks the guys if one of them is ready to be her husband. "Yeah, I said it. Because that's where this is headed." Really, because I thought it was headed for an engagement, a tension filled reunion show, then a special with Chris talking about the demise of their relationship. I mean, I really do hope Emily finds happiness, but I'm just playing the odds. Again, what do I know? Oh, I know how the dates will work this week... because it's the same as always. 2 one-on-one dates and a group date. If you don't get a rose on one-on-one, you'll be on a plane headed back to the States immediately. Am I right??? DING DING DING!! I'm right!!

The first one-on-one date goes to Sean. "Love takes no prisoners". The writing on these date cards is getting worse, right? I didn't think it was possible, yet I feel like it's happening.

Emily greets Sean and they board a double decker bus. Probably the same one she and Ricki rode, but hey, at least we're renting buses and not private jets this week. Sean doesn't care. He says if London is calling, he's going to answer. Wow! Good one! Almost as lame as my opening sentence this week. Of course, it's a perfect chance for them to slip in a few bars of "London Calling" since that music has just been gathering dust since Matt Grant's season.

They stop off and see some touristy sites. They ask strangers to take pictures of them. All this would be perfectly normal behavior (I almost typed "behaviour". Using British spellings seems appropriate this week, doesn't it? Frankly, I would use them all the time. They just look fancier. "Realise" instead of "realize"? Yes, please. I think all the punk teenagers in America have ruined the letter Z for me. For realz.) Anyway... asking strangers to take pictures of you would be perfectly normal behaviour were you not being followed around by a camera crew.

They stop outside Buckingham Palace. Emily says "This is where Queen (long pause) Elizabeth lives." Did she really forget the Queen's name? There's has been one queen in my lifetime, and in my parents' lifetimes for that matter. How hard is it to keep up? I'm fairly certain nothing could make this worse, except, wait...

"There's the balcony where William and Kate had their first kiss..."

Um, no. If I had to guess, they had their first kiss somewhere near their college campus. Or, at the very minimum, during their wedding a few hours before they kissed on the balcony. Ugh. Also, maybe call him Prince William, not just William like you're old pals. If that's too formal, you may call him my pretend brother-in-law. Because, in my head, Prince Harry and I make a darling couple.

Where were we? Right, Emily was demonstrating that she has absolutely no knowledge of major events in the world. And Sean was telling her that if that's where (Prince) William and Kate kissed, maybe they should take a picture of themselves kissing with the balcony in the background.

Because what every girl wants is for her first kiss with a dude to involve one of his arms stuck out awkwardly for a self-portrait. Come on, surely won't agree to that, right? Oh, crap...

Next, they sit and chat in Hyde Park. Instead of waiting for dinner to ask Sean for a DNA sample and the FBI file of his past girlfriends, Emily starts in immediately.

"Tell me about the last date you went on..."

Sean says it was a couple months ago (I think, I didn't write that down, anyway, recently-ish) but they just went out once. He realized pretty quickly that she didn't have the qualities he wanted. Before that, he hadn't been on a date in about a year. Because he's selective.

Emily tells him that usually guys who look like him are really boring... "But you're not boring! Yay!" Yes, she actually said "Yay!"

Next, the swing by Speaker's Corner. (It's a real thing. I checked.) Sean is called up to give a speech. He rambles on about love, and never having really been in love, but having seen the type of love he wants by looking at his parents, and that he's hopeful he'll find it with this beautiful girl... (sweeping gesture to Emily)... and some other stuff. I got kind of bored.

Later in the evening, Emily says "The date card says 'Let me take you as my prisoner of love'". Actually, the date card says "Love takes no prisoners", but it's nice to know where her mind is. I do not, however, know where her voice is. She sounds like a 3 pack a day smoker. She obviously belongs in bed, drinking plenty of fluids, but instead she's taking Sean to dinner in the Wakefield Tower at the Tower of London.

As they sit down to eat, Emily tells Sean that this is where King Henry VIII had two of his wives beheaded. Because nothing says "romantic dinner" like polygamy and beheadings. Whoo hoo!!

Since she already got the ex-girlfriend stuff out of the way, Emily can jump right to her next most common topic of conversation. "I want a lot of kids..."

Sean notes that she clearly wants them ASAP and that he's open minded as to how many kids he would like to have. Well, first he said "Two" but then he must have seen the look on her face and quickly changed his answer to "Open". Hey, maybe she lost her voice due to a bad case of baby fever.

She gives Sean the rose. Apparently not a germaphobe, Sean gives her a small kiss. After dinner, they kiss some more.

Of course, this reminds me of a Monica being sick on Friends. And also Phoebe's "sexy phlegm". And any number of other things I was trying to focus on instead of the fact that Sean was licking the tonsils of a sick person.

But, aside from his lack of respect for communicable diseases, I like Sean. He's in my top two. He (or at least his edit) seems fairly down to earth and normal. So far he hasn't said anything wildly inappropriate. On this show, that's really all I look for.

A Review of "the new" Dallas

Several years ago, I think for our second anniversary, my husband and I went to Dallas for a long weekend. While we were waiting to be seated for dinner, a man walked by wearing a cowboy hat, sport coat, jeans, and boots. I said "You know what I like best about Dallas? Then men here really do dress like J.R. Ewing!" To which my husband replied "Who?" All I could muster as a response was "This is one of those times where it's apparent I'm three years older than you."  After a bit longer, I followed up with "Seriously, you never watched Dallas? 'Who shot J.R.?' Nothing?" It's possible I hummed the theme song, too.

In fact, as Dallas watchers go, I was definitely on the younger end. It first premiered a year before I was born. But, my grandma was an avid watcher and I remember watching the second half of the series as a child. No, it wasn't exactly child friendly, but my family never was very stuffy about that. DVR didn't exist yet and skipping Days of Our Lives or Dallas just because kids were around was just too much trouble. Plus, look how lovely I turned out? So, clearly, it was fine...

A few months ago, I was at the movies and saw a preview for "the new" Dallas. At first, I assumed it would be a reboot of the previous series. I'm kind of sick of reboots. How many times can we redo Spiderman? Or Clash of the Titans. I mean, is Hollywood completely out of ideas? But, wait a second... that's the REAL J.R.! And he's old! And there's the real Bobby! And Sue Ellen! And that hot guy from Desperate Housewives...

Turns out, it's not a reboot. More like a new generation. This time focusing more on J.R.'s son John Ross and Bobby's son Christopher (played by Jesse Metcalfe. Yum.), though several of the original actors will reprise their roles.

I was interested. I immediately contacted my brother-in-law, the biggest Dallas fan of my generation. He confirmed that he too was interested. So that gave it some credibility.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, I got a PR-type request to my blog's email. I always looks at these but, in the nearly three years I've been doing this, I've only responded to one such request. Normally it's some company wanting to put an article on my blog about something completely unrelated to my blog. (Poker chips, for example.) And don't get me started on the grammar in most of these emails. But the one a couple weeks ago caught my attention. It was from a company I'd actually heard of, SocialChorus, and they were offering me a chance to pre-screen the new Dallas.

Um, sign me up!!

Last week, my "screener kit" arrived. I was pretty excited. Then I opened the box and it began playing the theme song. The box played the theme song, y'all!!

Once I got over the initial excitement about the super cool box, it was time to watch the show. (Well, once I got over the initial excitement about the box and bragged relentlessly to my brother-in-law. Including a video a me opening the box and the music playing.)

Now, the hard part. Telling you what I think without telling you too much about what happened...

It took me a few minutes to get into. That's typical for me with new shows. Meeting new characters takes a minute. And, in this case, being reintroduced to old characters was also a bit of a process. Initially, I didn't think I was going to like how things were shaping up for Bobby and J.R.  As it turns out, I was wrong. Their story lines are nothing like I expected in the first few minutes. They were much better!

As I mentioned previously, this time around the focus will be on two of the sons. Each son is much like their father. Christopher has Bobby's more conservative nature and values integrity. John Ross definitely has J.R.'s "Do whatever it takes" mentality. And I think we can expect that some of J.R.'s womanizing tendencies have been passed on to his son as well.

I'll be interested to see where the story lines go from here. The first two episodes set some good groundwork and already were full of twists and turns, backstabbing and "Is he good or bad?"

My husband, who previously didn't know anything about the show, enjoyed it as well. He said "So it's basically a soap opera, but more interesting?" I thought that was a pretty fair assessment and, yes, the original series was very much a prime time soap, so I expect the same from this. Even without knowing the back story, he found it pretty easy to keep up and liked the characters. As a casual watcher of the original series, I felt much the same. I enjoyed seeing familiar faces and was glad to see that the tension between brothers / families that was still the main undercurrent.

As for how die-hard fans of the original series will react, I'm not sure. Just like how I am about beloved books being made into movies, I think this is a case where you'll have to accept some creative license and a few changes here and there, but overall, I think expectation of drama and scheming won't disappoint.

Bottom line: Am I hopelessly hooked after just two episodes? No. Is my interest piqued enough to be back at Southfork Ranch for the next episode? Absolutely.

 

Disclosure: I was selected for participation in the Dallas Roundup Network with SocialChorus. They provided me with a DVD to screen but I did not receive any compensation for writing this post, or payment in exchange for participating. The opinions expressed herein are entirely my own.

The Raccoonatics

I'm about to tell you a story that you should assume happened to some friends of mine. Because, had it happened to me, I would be busting on my own neighbors on the internet. And that would be rude. So, some friends of mine, okay? Their names are, um, Andrea and Davis.

Andrea and Davis live in a modest subdivision comprised mainly of "starter homes" and empty nesters who downsized. Davis is a local police officer. Some of the neighbors don't seem to understand that when his police car is at the curb, it's because he's not working. So, they drop by and ask random police questions or register complaints about whatever happens to be bothering them.

This really annoys Andrea. That's why she had the doorbell disabled. It worked for a couple of months but then people figured out they could just knock. It's not that Andrea doesn't want her husband to be involved in the community or to help a neighbor who is truly in need, but Andrea thinks people should be a little more considerate. For example, if Davis opens the door while he is holding a plate of what is clearly his dinner, maybe the neighbors could say "I'll stop back later" or "I'll make this quick." Instead, they talk for 30+ minutes about how some girl down the street has a restraining order against one of their friends and got all bent out of shape when she saw the restraining order guy across the street. Um, okay. What do you want Davis to do about it? Just let him eat his dinner. Kthanxbai.

Anyway, so that's just one example of why Andrea finds some of her neighbors to be less than ideal and why Andrea wishes people would give Davis a break when he's off duty.

Early last week, Andrea and Davis were still asleep. It was probably 6:45 - 7:00 but they don't have children, so they get to sleep in. It's one of the perks. Andrea heard one of their dogs barking, followed by what sounded like someone knocking on the door. She told Davis but he just grunted and said that no one would be knocking on the door before 7:00.

The next morning, closer to 8:00, Andrea and Davis were in their separate bathrooms (another perk of not having children) getting ready for the day. There was another knock at the door. The dogs went crazy again. Andrea stuck her head out of the room and looked across the house at Davis. He made some wild gestures that amounted to "Be quiet. There's someone at the door."  (Yes, Andrea and Davis often dodge people who knock at the door. They don't feel bad about it. They have a peep hole. They feel like it's pretty much the same as screening your calls. Plus, every time they do open the door, it's either something like what happened in the previous paragraph or someone trying to sell them something in support of their kids' something or other. Andrea and Davis probably already bought whatever it was from a kid at church selling the same thing.)

Davis had already checked the peep hole and knew who it was. It was a couple down the street who are known to be a bit, um, curmudgeonly. For example, there is an empty lot between their house and their neighbors. Whoever owns the lot (not the Curmudgeons) kept a path mowed through it and the neighborhood teens could cut right through and end up on the high school grounds. Of course, the Curmudgeons didn't want meddling kids traipsing too close to their house, so they built two fences. Yes. Two. Needless to say, any time Andrea and Davis see them, they have a complaint about something. So, obviously, dealing with them pre-8 AM would be a bad idea.

Instead, Davis stopped by their house when he got on duty. They weren't home, so he left a note and said "I work today from 8AM to 4PM. If you need me, please call the Police Department and they'll get in touch with me."

When he got to work, he let one of the ladies in Dispatch know these people might be calling or stopping by. She happens to live across the street from Andrea and Davis, so she already knew who he was talking about.

"They've already been here," she said. "They said you told them they could get a raccoon trap here."

Davis was taken aback. He hadn't spoken to these people in at least a year, and never about vermin.

The Chief heard. Davis had to say to his boss "No, I definitely didn't tell anyone they could get a raccoon trap at the police department." (It should be noted that Andrea and Davis live in a small town that does not have Animal Control. Basically, unless it's a vicious animal threatening you or your property, there's not a lot the police can do. Residents are responsible for their own day-to-day extermination needs.)

The rest of the day passed and Davis never heard from the Curmudgeons. Andrea had no idea about any of the hoopla at the PD.

A little after 5:00, Andrea got home from work. Soon after, there was another knock at the door. She looked out the peep hole.

"It's those people again..." she mouthed to Davis.

He wildly shook his head NO several times.

When the coast was clear, Davis said "They want me to help them trap a raccoon..."

Andrea made a puzzled face. Davis filled her in on the rest of the story. They both laughed uncontrollably.

Andrea, the mature adult that she is, posted something witty (Andrea is very witty) on Facebook about it. I think she said something about how, unless the raccoon has warrants, it's not really under the purview of the police department.

Davis' co-worker who lives across the street commented on the post that she saw the people at their door and knew they wouldn't answer. She added that one of the guys who works for the street department or water department or somewhere actually had a trap he loaned them, so she had no idea why they were still coming by.

A few days passed. Andrea and Davis thought they had heard the last from the Curmudgeons, who they were now calling the Racconatics (raccoon + lunatic... get it? I told you Andrea was witty.)

Then, on Sunday, Andrea and Davis were heading out the door... clearly dressed for church. Out of nowhere, the Raccoonatics appeared. They made some small talk about being out of town soon and wondering if Davis could help keep an eye on their house while they were gone. Andrea began to feel a twinge of guilt. Maybe it was never really about the raccoon and all these folks wanted was to ask for a neighborly favor. Ooops. But then...

"So I got that raccoon trapped..." Mr. Raccoonatic said.

"Oh, good," Davis said, trying to get the car door open before he launched into a story.

No such luck.

A detailed account of the trapping and the raccoon's description followed. And then...

"I'm just wondering now if there could have been more than one raccoon. Is it okay if I keep the trap a few more days?"

Davis reminded him that it wasn't his trap or the police department's trap, so he should probably check with the person who loaned it to him.

Mr. Raccoonatic kept talking. Basically repeating the same things and saying "So yeah, I think I better keep the trap a while longer."

"Okay, then..." Davis said. He quickly bid the Raccoonatics farewell and got in the car.

"We have to move..." Andrea declared. For once, Davis didn't argue. Granted, they can't really afford to move but sometimes making the hollow threat helps.

Andrea's not crazy, right? Do your neighbors knock on their door at 6:45AM for help trapping raccoons? Thank goodness mine don't. I'm not as patient as Andrea. I would have suggested building a human-sized trap on the front porch to capture anyone who looks like they are coming to the door to ask a dumb question.

The Bachelorette: Emily {Week 4} Bromances and Knee Socks

It's Week 4 and we hit the ground running with Chris gathering the guys up right away to explain for the 900th time how things will work with the dates. Only this time there's a slight twist. The dreaded two-on-one date. (Cue ominous music) But the bright side is that this will all be taking place on the beautiful island of Bermuda! And, speaking of bright, Michael is wearing a neon yellow headband. I just can't...

More things I just can't... Chris' attire this week. Apparently we've hit the point in the season where he starts dressing like a complete tool instead of just a partial one. I mean, why?! This gives new meaning to the Grapes of Wrath.

Meanwhile, Emily and Ricki are already in Bermuda. She has written "Mommy loves Ricki" in the sand. Of course, she tells us how beautiful the place is and that it has "Emily" written all over. Well, sort of. Actually, it has "Mommy" written all over it, but whatever. She also tells us that she'd like to come back here for a family vacation with Ricki and her husband, maybe she'd be pregnant and pushing a baby stroller. I assume the baby stroller has another small child in it, not that she's pushing it in anticipation of delivering the baby she's apparently carrying, but you never know. Whatever the case, this woman has a fever and the only prescription is more babies.

The guys arrive on the island and ride up to the hotel on Mopeds. Disappointingly, they each had their own scooter. No Harry and Lloyd moments. Except maybe the part when Travis sang "Bermuda. Bermuda. Bermuda" to the tune of The Beach Boys' Kokomo. Um, that's "Bermuda. Bahamas. Come on, pretty mama" but yeah, okay. Let's not try to reason with the man who carried an egg around for three episodes.

After oohing and aahing at how awesome their suite is, the first date card arrives. It's for Doug and says "Let our senses lead the way". Doug then says "So if I don't get a rose, I go home, right? I'd forgotten about that whole little, like..."  Like what, Doug? Like how your application to MENSA was rejected? Of course you go home if you don't get a rose. And I don't think for a second that you forgot. It's kind of the most basic principle of The Bachelor. No rose, no stay. Ugh.

The guys give Doug a hard time about being nervous. Klassy Kalon tells us that he hopes Doug goes home so the football team can be disbanded and the bromance can be done. I mean, I have no doubt there's a football team-like bromance afoot, but Kalon pointing it out just makes it sound like he's jealous none of the dudes are interested in him bromatically. Forget the football team, Kalon. Michael is wearing another headband (this time it's blue) so maybe your his type.

Doug becomes increasingly frustrated by the guys teasing him. The 'roid rage kicks in. He drops 4 F Bombs, mostly directed at Arie. I guess Arie is used to having a fast car to speed away after he makes fun of dudes twice his size. Luckily for Arie, Emily arrives to pick Doug up. With Doug safely out of earshot, Arie tells us Doug is like the Hulk. "Doug angry! Doug smash! Doug sad..."  Okay, I admit it. I laughed. But I pretty much laugh whenever someone Hulk mocks someone else.

For their date, Emily and Doug are going to wander around the city. Because she thinks that's what families do on family vacations. Most family vacations I've taken have involved walking around Disney World until my sister puked from being out in the sun too much- then going back to the hotel, where I slept on the floor because I didn't want to share a bed with the Puking Princess - who is the worst sleeper ever and kicks and thrashes and actually ends up on top of you in the middle of the night. So, wandering around a city doesn't sound like the worst idea, but it doesn't really scream "family vacation" to me. But Doug is stoked, so that's good.

They do some shopping, make some perfume, and then walk through the Moongate. Apparently if you walk through it holding hands, you'll have good fortune. That much is true - I Googled it. But the "make a wish" part Emily tells Doug is just for kicks.

They sit and chat. They write a postcard to Doug's son. He tells her that his son didn't believe that one person could really make a difference in the world, so he (Doug) started a charity to show him it was possible. Emily replies "Of course you did". This leads into a conversation about Doug seeming to perfect. Doug insists that he has bad days and even gives a brief overview of "getting grumpy" with the guys just before she arrived. The theme of Doug's perfection carries over to dinner.

Emily tells us that she feels like he is hiding something because he always has the perfect answer... and that it reminds her of Brad. To everyone who asks why a beautiful woman like Emily is still single, I think we have our answer. Okay, I don't know Doug. He comes across as likable and genuine. He might actually be a giant wank. I don't know. But if you automatically assume that every guy is a giant wank even when they are presenting themselves as likable and genuine, you're probably not going to "find love". Don't get me wrong, I am all for remaining objective while you're getting to know someone and not getting so lovedrunk that you miss obvious red flags... but I'm also a believer in self-fulfilling prophesy. If you assume every guy you meet is hiding something and trying to come off as too perfect, guess what?

She asks Doug what his ex would say his biggest flaw was. He says "That I spent too much time with my son." She says "See. Even that is a 'perfect answer'." He says "She also didn't think I washed her car enough." Emily says she just doesn't think he's for real. He says "Okay then. What are your faults?"

"I'm sensitive. Stubborn. I don't work out."

"Those aren't faults."

"Some days I go out in public in my pajamas."

"Sign me up."

Basically, Doug came off looking like a level-headed guy and Emily came off kind of whiny. I'm not saying I'm Team Doug, just that he seems like an okay guy and she should give him a break. She realizes this and says she understand now that she put him on the spot. He follows up with a pretty good answer:

"I'm not a genius but I'm not a dummy. I'm not wealthy but I'm not poor. I'm just a regular guy."

She gives him the rose. He doesn't give her a kiss. He tells us that his grandpa always told him that you should only kiss a woman if she makes it clear she wants you to. So he never makes the first move. Therefore, he hasn't kissed a women in months and months.

"If Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she'll have to let Doug know she wants a kiss."

Aaaaand... FLAW!! Talk about himself in third person.

(The not making the first move stuff is kind of a flaw, too. I appreciate that he doesn't mouth rape every woman he meets. But, come one dude, sometimes you just have to go for it. Not for mouth rape, but for an appropriate kiss. If she doesn't want it, she'll pull back. Then you can tuck your tail between your legs and go home.)