The Bachelorette: Emily {Week 3} Farewell, Gypsy King

As I'm sure every day does, Week 3 for Emily begins with her mother bringing her breakfast in bed as she finishes up her Bible reading. No, seriously. The opening scene was Emily all cozy in her bed, reading from some small leather-bound book (I assume her room smells of rich mahogany). It was either a Bible or a daily devotional type book. It wasn't Cosmo. Her mom brings a tray in for her. I sigh loudly. I mean, come on. I have a very nice mom, but I can't think of a single time she brought me breakfast in bed. Neither has my husband, for that matter. I think once, on her birthday or something, I brought my mom breakfast. It's just not something I think normal people do. If you're normal people and you do that, fine. More power to you. But I just don't think many people outside of Downton Abbey are served breakfast in bed. Especially not by their mothers. While discussing how their 6 year old daughter is handling Mommy being gone so much on a daddy hunt.

As Emily drags herself out of bed (perhaps to a bath her mother drew for her), Chris is up at the guys' house. "Congratulations! There are only 16 of you left."  Really? Congratulations? Maybe at 5 or 6 we can start with the "only so many left" bit, but 16? I still don't know half their names. I doubt Emily does either. Anyway, Chris goes on to explain to the lucky 16 how the dates will work this week. Which is the exact same as last week. And the first two weeks of nearly every other season. But, in case anyone was in a coma until recently, there will be a group date and two one-on-one dates. On the one-on-one dates, if you do not receive a rose, you'll be going home immediately. The one-on-one date card goes to Chris. The guy from Chicago, not the host. Much to the host's chagrin, I imagine.

Emily shows up in a tank top with a motorcycle printed on it. Luckily, not a Harley. An old-fashioned, kind of cool looking motorcycle... but still an odd clothing choice. I know I always harp on what the Bachelor or Bachelorette is wearing. Sorry. It looks like this season will be no different. At any rate, the biker babe and Chris leave the guys' house and head downtown.

The date card promised that "Love is a steady climb". Emily tells Chris he's been at the top of her list for a while and she's got a nice dinner planned for them. About that time, rappelling lines drop down off the roof of the building they are standing in front of. Chris tells the camera that he thought "Those ropes must be for us." At this point, I had to pause the DVR for a good 90 seconds so my husband could compose himself. Between his snorts of laughter, I think he said something about "Who else would the rope be for?" and maybe mentioned Spiderman not needing ropes. I'm not sure. It was hard to keep up.

They step into harnesses. Chris says how no woman has ever looked sexier in a harness. I have to pause the DVR for another 90 seconds of laughing.

Once they are properly in harnesses, they begin their assault on the summit. (Yes, I'm still on my Mt. Everest kick... and this past weekend was the peak of the climbing season. I can't promise this will be my last nerdy mountaineering metaphor.)

I'm not sure what you call this kind of climbing. Basically, the ropes made some sort of steps. They did StairMaster-like movements until they reached the top. But not before a freak out halfway up because of thunder and lightning in the distance. When they do reach the top, Emily notes that she wants a man who can stay by her side... and this proves Chris can. When bound by ropes and harnesses, at least.

On top of the building, Chris gives Emily a high five. He tells us he would have liked to kiss her, but he high fived her instead and now he feels like an idiot. As he should. I'm not saying you should just ram your tongue down someone's throat partway through your first date... and I'm not even criticizing high fives... just saying that when you're on a dating show and there are still 16 of you left, you better step up your game beyond a high five. Even a kiss on the forehead would be better.

At dinner, Emily immediately starts in with wanting to know the age, social security number, and blood type of all past girlfriends. Chris says he's only had one really serious girlfriend and it lasted from high school until not too long ago... about 6 years total. Because Chris is 25.

Aaaaaand... gasp! Emily is 26 but can't bear the thought of a 25 year old. She's mature and independent and her mom brings her breakfast in bed. Chris probably lives in a rinky-dink apartment with a futon and a TV on a milk crate. Okay, the apartment part might be true, but I don't think that's related to his age. Just to his male body parts. After the shock wears off, Emily decides Chris acts much older than 25. I guess that means he didn't make fart noises with his armpits. Bummer. That would have livened things up. At any rate, Chris assures her that he might just be 25 but he's a man. He left home at 17. He believes family comes first. (Which must be why he waited so long to leave home.) She gives him the rose and whisks him off to another concert.

Last season, every date had a helicopter. This season it seems like every date will have a concert. Or two. And a private plane, but we'll get to that later.

This date's concert? Luke Bryan. At least I've heard of him. Given that I live in the South, I listen to a really small amount of country music... well, new country music, that is. If they were at a Willie Nelson concert, I'd be all about it. But Luke Bryan, just whatever. Emily and Chris participate in even lamer dancing than she and Ryan did last week. Chris whispers in her ear that he'd like to kiss her if that's okay. She replies that he'll just have to try and find out. Ugh. He should have just gone for another high five. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you should ever force a kiss on someone who doesn't want it or anything like that. But, if you're on a date and you feel like things are headed in a kiss-worthy direction, just take the chance. If she pulls away, well, at least you know where you stand. But asking? It just seems a little Jane Austen. Nevertheless, they kiss. Luke Bryan then waves the crowd in and they all dance around Emily and Chris. It was like the world's most boring flash mob. Thankfully, it was also the end of the date.

The Bachelorette: Emily {Week 2} Now with Muppets!

Week 2 of Emily's "journey to find love" kicks off just like every other second week. With a helicopter flying over the mansion and a local reporter doing a story about how they are filming there. And then with Emily casually meeting friends in the park to talk about their kids' soccer practice. Wait, what? This isn't normal? You mean they probably knew that reporter was going to do the story? And her friends don't always go to the park wearing wireless microphones?! Suffice it to say, this season has adopted a very "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" mentality.

For years, the dates were all top secret. Then Reality Steve got hugely popular and everyone got a smart phone. So now every fan (or cynic) wants to snap a shot of The Bachelor/ette and their date doing whatever and be the first to submit it to Reality Steve or TMZ or wherever. Frankly, I don't blame them. I can't imagine the show would ever be filming within 50 miles of me, but if they were, I can't promise I wouldn't be out there trying to catch a glimpse too. But only 50 miles. I care a little, but not 51 miles worth. Anyway, I have mixed feelings about the public-ness of the dates. On one hand, the spoilers are going to get out, so I guess it makes sense to make dates more public and hope to control the story a little. And also hope that a lot of the appeal is because people hate secrecy so if you give them a little something, they won't go to much effort to get more. (I disagree, but I can see where that might be the thinking.) On the other hand, the appearance are so clearly staged. It's annoying. If you want Emily and her date to walk into a restaurant and take your chances with someone in the crowd snapping a picture or shooting a 10 second video, fine. But if you want to get the word out that a crowd should show up at such and such time and place ready to cheer for Emily and her date, that comes off as majorly fake. Probably because it is. Anyway, my whole point is that - yes - this season looks to be the most public of all. I expect the trend to continue.

Back to Emily. While she's finishing up picnic time with her friends, Chris is back at the mansion. For the 243rd season in a row, he explains how the dates will work. There will be two one-on-one dates and a group date. If you get a one-on-one but do not get the rose, you'll be sent home immediately. Also, because there are still a ridiculous number of guys whose names I can't even recall yet, not everyone will get a date this week. Or next week... but, don't worry, I'm sure Chris will re-explain it then. Chris leaves the date card and one of the geniuses in the crowd says "This just got real." Ugh.

The first date goes to Ryan. It reads "By my king in the Queen city". I guess that's what they call Charlotte. I don't know. The extent of my knowledge about Charlotte is that I changed planes there once on my way to Florida. Anyway, Ryan is excited. He tells the guy that his pastor always says "If you treat a woman like a queen, she'll treat you like a king." Really, your pastor always says that? I can't imagine that's they kind of thing that needs to be said more than once. But, I don't know where Ryan goes to church. Somewhere really interested in royalty, I guess.

All the guys gather in the pool while Ryan gets ready for his date. Everyone's favorite jerkface Kalon describes it as the frat house from hell... on steroids. I don't know. These guys are in good shape and I'm some of them know where to buy juice... but I don't think shooting the house with it will make the house get big muscles too.

Emily arrives. Everyone oohs and aahs at how hot she looks in every day clothes. You know, because most skinny blondes with big chests and a lot of makeup only look good in evening gowns. Don't get me wrong, I think Emily is pretty. Made up Barbie doll, yes. But pretty. So I can't imagine why so many guys felt it was still noteworthy that she was pretty in regular clothes. Do they normally only meet women in gowns? At least a few of them seem like they would pick up chicks at a Miss Teen USA pageant, so maybe...

Emily and Ryan head out. He tells the camera that he thinks a plane ride or a hot air balloon would be cool, but he's happy with whatever. Which is good because Emily's plan is for him to carry in her groceries.

She makes a big deal about how her life is not very glamorous and how Ricki has soccer practice today and she has to prepare snacks. Now, earlier in the park she asked a friend to drop Ricki off at practice. Why wouldn't she have given that lady 20 bucks and asked her to pick up some apples and some juice boxes? Instead, she and Ryan get to baking cookies. Naturally, she makes him wear a frilly apron.

They take the snacks to the soccer field. She explains she's not ready for anyone to meet Ricki (thank goodness!) and asks if he could wait in the car while she drops off the treats. Ryan waits. I spend the time she's gone wondering why the hair at the crown of his head stands up so high. The rest of his hair has a sort of "trying to be spiky but not really" thing going on, but why spike the center straight up? I don't know. This season has a lot of questionable hair choices.

She comes back to the car and hands him a juice box she "stole". Or, you know, paid for earlier. He slurps on it while she tells him they are going to Chuck E. Cheese for dinner. PSYCHE!! Oh, good one, Emily. You almost got me!! Instead, they go their separate ways to get ready for a nice dinner. Ryan irons... shirtless. As we all do from time to time.

Emily pulls up in an Aston-Martin instead of the SUV she was driving earlier. She tosses Ryan the keys. They head off to dinner. When they arrive, there's a red carpet and a throng of fans. Again, I'm sure that was totally spontaneous. They have the usual dinner conversation about ex-girlfriends and if he's serious about this process and blah blah blah.

After dinner, they head out of a concert with one of Emily's favorite bands, Gloriana. Am I supposed to know who they are? Because I don't. Anyway, the red carpet fans are back again. This time, they surround Emily and Ryan, who are dancing on a platform. And by "dancing", I mean doing some sort of 8th grade sway. And the fans are all shooting iPhone videos. Now, normally the preplanned crowd is required to sign a non-disclosure agreement and aren't allowed to have their phones. So, I wouldn't be surprised if these were all phones that were handed out and turned back in at the end of the night. Or if someone lackey had to go through everyone's phone and delete the night's events. Or, like I said earlier, maybe they just don't care anymore. But I kind of doubt that.

Anyway, after the concert, Emily and Ryan sit back down. She tells us she's really starting to like him but fears he might be too perfect, like Brad seemed. They talk some more. Ryan tells her not to make this too easy on him. Ask hard questions, etc. She gives him an "Oh, honey" and assures him she will. Then they both get really Southern and say some things I didn't completely understand. At some point she gives him the rose.

Put On Purple

Three things I don't generally endorse:

1. Self portraits

2. Artsy fartsy filters on pictures

3. Doing something that's really not something but yet is supposed to somehow support a cause.

Three things I'm doing in this picture:

1. Taking a self portrait. (There's no one else in the office today and I thought it would be weird to wander the streets and ask a stranger.)
2. Using an artsy fartsy filter (My shirt is purple. It didn't look very purple. But purple is important to the rest of this story.)
3. Doing something that's not really something but yet is somehow supposed to support a cause.

Why?

May is Lupus Awareness Month. Usually awareness campaigns aren't really my thing, but the Lupus Foundation of America stepped up their game this year and has been using their Facebook and Twitter accounts to share facts and stories and other things I actually think are cool and beneficial. So, I decided to jump on board.

Today, as part of their campaign, they asked people to wear purple and tell others what it represented. So, that's what I'm doing.

Click the button to learn more

I was diagnosed with lupus in 1997. Aside from mentioning about that much information, I haven't gone into detail about my disease very much. I don't know why. I'm not shy or uncomfortable talking about it. It just didn't seem very fun and bloggy. Before the month is out, I'll try to share my story. I would have done it today but that would have required some preplanning... which is clearly not my thing.

But, just a few points I want to mention...

Lupus can range from mildly annoying to fatal. It affects every single patient differently and can damage any organ in the body. There is no single test to determine whether or not you have it. For that reason, it's often difficult to diagnose or misdiagnosed. Joint pain and fatigue or among the most common symptoms but there are a myriad of others as well. Because it's so complex, most people know little or nothing about it. Yet, it's not rare. 1.5 million Americans are estimated to have it, 90% of them are women. While there are some treatments that can help significantly, there is no cure.

I've been incredibly blessed with a great doctor and access to medication to keep my lupus pretty well-controlled. There have been a few times where that wasn't that case - but generally speaking - I have had far, far more good days than bad. I'm grateful and I'm fortunate. I want to do more to make sure other patients can say the same, even if that starts as simply as wearing purple today.

Besides, purple is my favorite color.

The Bachelorette: Emily {Week 1} Let the journey begin...

The Bachelorette is back! For a brief moment this week, I considered not writing recaps this season. It's a decent amount of work that I don't get paid to do and, let's face it, I'm kind of lazy. But, within the first 5 minutes of the episode, I knew I couldn't NOT write about it. So, in the words of Chris Harrison (yes, actual words that he said this week), let the journey begin...

Oh, speaking of Chris Harrison. Yes, I know he and his wife have separated. Of course, my first concern is for their children. If he and his wife can't work things out, then I hope they can at least find a peaceful way to raise their kids. That said, my next concern is for his wardrobe. The guy already dresses 20 years too young. Heaven help us if suddenly he's "on the market" and "trying to pick up chicks". My final concern is for how many times I will be asked "Do you think they'd ever make him the Bachelor?" No. No. No. I mean, maybe, because the show is wacky and ridiculous like that, but mostly, no.

Anyway, enough Chris. Let's talk about Emily. We first met her a few seasons ago on Brad's second go-round as the Bachelor. She's a single mother. Her fiance was Ricky Hendrick of Hendrick Motor Sports. He was killed in a plane crash on his way to a race. Later that week, she found out she was pregnant with his child. It's all very General Hospital, but she pulls it off. Determined to find love and find a good father-figure for her daughter Ricki, she came on the Bachelor. In the end, Brad picked her and they were engaged. For about 5 minutes. Turns out Brad is a bit of a wank. During a tearful interview with Chris, she explained that they were no longer together and that she just wanted to return to private life and raise her daughter. So, naturally, she's now the Bachelorette. (I will say that, by all accounts, she has done the most to accommodate parenting her daughter while filming the show. For example, they are filming in Charlotte - where she lives. From the previews, it also looks like Ricki travels with her later in the season. Whether that's ideal or not remains to be seen, but she didn't just drop her kid off at Grandma's for a couple months, so that's something.)

We begin by seeing some scenes of Emily going about her normal day. Playing at the park with Ricki, riding a horse, tucking Ricki into bed, lamenting about her late fiance and her ex-fiance. She tells us that Ricki goes to bed about 7:30 and then she has the evening all to herself... and it's lonely. She tucks herself into bed with a book. No, it wasn't Fifty Shades of Grey. And please don't get me started on how poorly written and edited that book was. Racy schmacy. I couldn't get through the first two chapters because I was mentally wearing out a red pen. But, I digress. Back to Emily, sad and lonely. In what I feel will be hard to top as the best line of the season, Em tells us how she wants to find The One and how being engaged is really special and should be reserved for the person you're going to marry.

Yep. Being engaged is really special and should be reserved for the person you're going to marry. Um, duh?! That's why it's different from "dating" or "going steady" or "having a boyfriend". I don't begrudge Emily her first engagement. Had it not been for a tragic accident, she likely would have married that guy. But the second one? The one that was a product of a reality show? Well, that's different. And what about the presumed third one? Sure, she might not pick anyone or she might pick someone but not accept a proposal yet, but chances are she will find herself engaged. And, chances are, she'll find herself un-engaged a few months after that. But being engaged is special and should be reserved for the person you're going to marry.

Back to Chris Harrison. It's time for him to repeat everything Emily just told us about finding love and how much she deserves this and so on and so forth.

With picnik.com out of service, I had to switch to a different site that doesn't offer Comic Sans, the font I use for Chris because I think he and it have a lot in common. Anyway, this was the next dorkiest I could find. RIP Picnik.

After Chris' speech, it's finally time to meet a few of the losers guys vying for fame and attention Emily's heart.

Some things I don't understand... and some things I asked an alien

I like to think I understand many things. Nevertheless, I've been thinking lately about some of the things I don't understand. Such as...

• MY INABILITY TO PARK

I'm a really good driver. I don't speed. I use my turn signal. I almost never pull out in front of cars or cut people off. But I can't park. If the space is slanted, I end up perfectly straight. If the space is straight, I end up slanted. I'm not talking about a slight angle. I'm talking about almost being diagonal in the space. If I manage to only be slightly angled, my husband will say something like "Hey, you almost got it this time!" It's that bad. I have no idea why. And don't even get me started on backing in. Nope. Just not going to happen. Unless I'm parallel parking, which I actually can pull of better than "regular" parking. IT. MAKES. NO. SENSE!

• PIMPLES AND CHIN HAIRS

More specifically, the speed at which they generate. I have this pesky chin hair that it seems I have to pluck every few days. While only a tiny bit sticks above the surface, the thing is a quarter of an inch long when I pull it out. Then, a few days later, it's back. In the same spot. And it's another quarter of an inch long. How is this possible?! I've been trying to grow the hair on my head out for 2 years. I've been waiting for 6 months for it to grow just one more inch. If it were a chin hair, it would stretch across the county line by now! Pimples are the same way. The other night, I felt a tiny sore spot on the crease of my nose. The worst place to get a pimple. 12 hours later, it was a full-on nasty mess. How did it fill up so quickly?! I've been waiting 20 years for my bra to fill up and that hasn't happened yet. I. DON'T. UNDERSTAND!!

• CUTESY SPELLINGS

Spelling things incorrectly just so it starts with the same letter as something else makes zero sense to me. Don't tell me it's a marketing thing or that it looks better that way. It doesn't. It looks dumb. Kroger Koffee? Ugh. Don't tell me that's alliteration. It's not. Alliteration refers to the same sound, not necessarily the same letter. Kroger Coffee = alliteration. Kroger Koffee = annoying. And don't even get me started on words that already start with the same letter but someone thought it would be clever to change. I'm looking at you, Krispy Kreme. The worst one I ever saw changed letters for no reason and intentionally spelled one of the words even more wrong. Kuntre Katfish. Seriously? I might have eaten at Country Catfish. That sounds like a good ol' fish place. But Kuntre Katfish? I. DON'T. GET. IT!!!





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• "LIKE" THIS POST AND... 

As you know, I have a love / hate relationship with Facebook. I could write volumes on the things that I don't understand about how people use their pages to overshare, gross out, and generally be weird. But I won't. (You can just look back at some of my old posts for that.) At any rate, there was a day when I thought "Copy and paste this status..." would be the most annoying trend ever. But that gave way to "Like this picture if you hate child abuse" or "If 500 people like my page, I'll give $500 to such-and-such worthy cause."  Okay, first of all, the only people who don't hate child abuse are child abusers. All "liking" a picture of a battered child does is put it in my newsfeed and make me kind of hate you a little bit. It does nothing to help prevent child abuse. Second, if you have $500 to give to a worthy cause, just give it. If you want me to like your page, go do good things and I'll like you for it. And if 500 people don't like your page, are you really going to be like "Sorry, tornado victims, we would have given you money for clean water but...."? I'M. SO. CONFUSED!

Also, math. I don't understand math. But I've just come to terms with that.

What about you? What fairly ordinary things baffle you?

Oh, and while we're on the subject of understanding, one thing I do totally get is my friend's 10 year old son. Well, not totally, but mostly. Perhaps because his mother affectionately suggests he might be from another planet... and I've heard something along those lines about me, too. Earlier this week, I had a chance to "interview" him for their blog. The post is HERE in case you've ever wondered what sort of things aliens discuss amongst themselves. His answers cracked me up!  (And no, I'm not just promoting this because my friend said I was smart. That's just an added bonus.)

Chasing Dogs and Raising Produce

You may have noticed that my blog has been rather neglected lately. Or you may have thought "Finally! That woman shut up for a little bit!" At any rate, I haven't blogged much because there hasn't been that much going on in my life that I felt was worthy of a whole post. And there still isn't, but I figured I better prove that to you.

So, I looked through the pictures on my phone. I figured that was the best measure of my world lately. Here's what I found:

• Cakes

I've been making a lot of cakes lately. As a result, I've been spending a lot of time cleaning the kitchen. At times, I've been tempted to pull the garden hose in from the deck and just blast the whole thing with water. But then I'd just have to clean that up too. Anyway, as much as I hate cleaning up, I do love making cakes. Except when my 9 year old cousin requests a catfish cake for his birthday. Catfish creep me out. But, he's a really cute kid, so I couldn't say no. Besides, every cake decorator should have one horrifying cake in their repertoire, right? In fact, at least one of you thought about submitting this to CakeWrecks, didn't you? Please don't. Unless it's for the Sunday Sweets edition. Maybe a "Well done but still gross" segment. I guess I could get on board with that.

• Fur People

When I'm not cleaning up after cakes, I'm cleaning up after pups. Seriously, keeping up with three dogs is infinitely harder than keeping up with two dogs. I'm not very good at math, but it seems it should only be 33% harder or something. Instead, it's a bajillion times harder. At least Bruiser spends most of his time curled up in our bed. And Maize has stopped trying to eat the Puppymonster. She will let him get closer... but not too close... to her. David still has to stay nearby in case she gets a little growly. (Notice his foot in the picture.) At least for all the chaos they cause, they do keep us entertained.

• Updates to the house

No, I'm still not a big Instagram fan. But something had
to be done to make this grainy picture look, you know,
grainy on purpose. Or something. 

We've been in our house 8 years. It was a new construction, plain Jane house. We've done our best to personalize it and do small upgrades here and there. But, 8 years in, updates are becoming less about wanting to and more about needing to. Plus, the corners the builder cut become more evident with each passing year. One such corner? Screens. That's right... for 8 years we had no screens on our windows. Arkansas had a very mild winter and a less hot and stormy spring than normal. In an effort to save up for some of the other things we need to do to the house (fresh paint, new flooring in a couple rooms, maybe a dishwasher that doesn't sound like shuttle reentry when it's running) we thought keeping the windows open would cut down on heating and cooling costs. It's worked out really well, except that mild winters lead to excessive bugs. And lack of screens lead to bugs in the house. And bugs in the house could lead to June bugs in my hair... which is one of my biggest fears. Thus, the picture above. A June bug made its way into the house and began crashing off the ceiling and walls and generally wreaking havoc on my mental well being. Donning a hat seemed like the only way to guarantee the June bug wouldn't infiltrate my hair. But the good news? I have screens now.

• Farming

For Christmas, I got a strawberry planter. I figured I would try my hand at gardening. After we finished planting, I exclaimed "Look! We're practically farmers!" David just walked away shaking his head. Still, for me to voluntarily take on a project that involves the Great Outdoors is kind of a big deal. I'm an inside cat. So far, strawberry farming has been anticlimactic. I water them once a day and a couple berries might be ready to pick soon. But still, I'm enjoying my daily stroll out to the planter. Puppymonster tags along. He catches the water as it drips out of the planter. I laugh and film it with my iPhone. Just like they pioneers must have done.

So, that's what's up in my world lately. How about you? Have I missed anything big in your world while I've been chasing dogs and raising produce?