The Bachelor: Ben {Week 9} Courtney + Goats = Panic attack for me

Okay, kids, I know every week I say that I'm going to try to get through this post quickly and that the episode was super lame, so there's not much to say anyway... and then I end up rambling on for 40,000 words. But this time, I mean it. I don't even want to get into the technological woes I've experienced this week. Read yesterday's post. So, this week, fewer pictures and few words. I swear. Mostly. Probably.

This week finds us in Switzerland. Ben says it's crazy to think this adventure is almost over. I think everyone watching would argue it's crazier to think we're still tuning in. Remember last week when I encouraged any Ben fans to tell me why? No one did. But I got a lot of comments about what a snoozefest he is. Even Ben seems bored. But that's just because he only cares about seeing Courtney in her birthday suit as soon as possible and the other two women are just prolonging that quest.

But, while we're on the topic of the women, Ben mentions that he finds Nicki to be gentle and caring and *super* sweet. Lindzi makes him feel happy and he had a premonition about having children with her and taking them to her parents house to play. Premonition? Really? When did Ben learn that word? Courtney, of course, is spontaneous and nerdy (nerdy?!) and he feels like there is some magical force pulling them together. You're expecting me to make a crude joke about the laser beam in his pants, aren't you? Well, I'm not. So there. Instead, I'd like to talk about how he said she was "extremely unique". I actually heard President Bartlet sigh. You see, something can't be extremely unique. It's either one of a kind or it isn't. I bet he wants to take the cue cards away from Ben and hand them to Sam Seaborn to clean up. Aaah, Sam Seaborn. I wish he could be the Bachelor. I'd apply. Married schmarried. Sam Seaborn is my favorite person in the whole wide fictional world.

Where were we? Oh, right. Ben was thinly veiling the fact that he extra super loves Courtney and acting like the other women exist.

First to torment him with her existence: Nicki.

Ben welcomes her to "the country of the Alps". Yes, that's what he said. So, they could be in France or Italy or any number of places as "Alps" don't just exist in Switzerland... but, as luck would have it, they are in Switzerland. And the best way to see Switzerland is obviously from the air. Plus, no one has been in a helicopter yet this season, right?

What? EVERY. SINGLE. EPISODE. has had a helicopter. Well, maybe not the first night, but I'm pretty sure they all have since then. In fact, Nicki and Ben helicopter-ed in Puerto Rico. So they are old pros now. They oooh and aaah at how beautiful Switzerland is.

Normally I would mock them for this, but not so much. Switzerland actually IS breathtaking. Not that I went to any touristy place in Europe that I was like "Wow. What a hole." But Switzerland is just extra incredible. And clean. And the boys are cute. And the chocolate... mmm... the chocolate. So, yeah, I'm a big fan of Switzerland. In fact, I'm a bit of a ski jumping enthusiast (I just keep getting weirder, I know) and my favorite ski jumper is Swiss. Simon Ammann. Plus, on his Facebook page a few weeks ago, he announced he will jump at the 2014 Olympics. Yay! I feel perfectly fine about cheering for him because Americans aren't very good at ski jumping and because the Swiss are neutral, which somehow counts.

Okay, back to Nicki and my plans to keep this post short. Here's the short version: they flew around, they landed on a mountain, they had a picnic and made small talk, there were a lot of relationship metaphors about peaks and valley, cliffs, new heights, etc. Then they hollered to see if it would echo. Most importantly, Nicki's nails were better. Not that hideous yellow from her last helicopter adventure.

At dinner, Nicki asks Ben how many kids he wants. He wants 4. Uh-oh. She only wants 2. For my part, I think any little Benlings running around would be too many. As a friend texted me, "Ben looks like the kind of guy who has bad breath and doesn't know it". I find this to be an incredibly accurate summation of Ben. So the fact that he would like 4 of him running around terrifies me to my very core. This could be the only upside of him choosing Courtney. On the .00004% chance they actually stayed together, got married, and had kids, she probably wouldn't want 4. Probably just 1. That she adopted. Because it made her feel more Angelina Jolie.

Despite their difference is the number of kids they want, both are down to practice making them and Nicki readily accepts the overnight card that "Chris Harrison" creepily sent them. They make out in a hot tub full of bubbles. Nicki declares that she knows she's here for a reason. I suspect Ben knows that, too... just thinks the reasons are very different. Hers include plans for a lifetime. His include plans for the next 2 minutes. Max.

iPanicked: My meltdown at Best Buy

It's time for a pop quiz. No cheating via Google or Wikipedia. Okay, ready? Answer the following:

1. When did the iPhone come out?

2. When did I first get an iPhone?

Alright, pencils down.

Who had "2007" for the first question? Good. I see a few hands raised. Now, who had "2007" for the second question?

That's right, kids. I got an iPhone when iPhones were just babies. Back before the App Store or the ability to shoot video or even receive pictures via text message. Back when people still said "Ooooh! Is that an iPhone? Can I see it?"

I'm not trying to pass myself off as some early-adopting tech guru. Prior to that, I didn't have a Blackberry or any of the other earlier smartphones. I had a Nokia flip phone. (Which, incidentally, I still have and it still runs. Those things could survive a nuclear holocaust. I'm sure of it.) But, when the iPhone came out, I knew it was the phone for me. After a few months of saving, it was mine.

I had that original iPhone for 23 months and 2 weeks. How do I know the exact time? Because, with only days to spare on the 2 year Care Plan, it quit working. It was replaced with another original iPhone. I carried that for another year... skipping past the 3G and the 3Gs. Last March, I finally made the leap to the iPhone 4. So, while I'm a fan of exciting new technology, I also tend to bond with my device and keep them in my life for a long time.

Since then, I've spent exactly one day without my iPhone. When my first phone quit working, Apple overnighted me a new one. The next day, I popped in my SIM card, did a quick update and was back in business.

This time around, with the 4, I opted for the Best Buy insurance. It covered a lot more accidents and, let's face it, with me everything is an accident waiting to happen. Well, last week, the home button started having issues. Sometimes I'd have to push it three or four times... or push and hold for ages... just to get it to work. I thought "You know, there's no sense in paying for insurance if I don't use it..." So Saturday afternoon, we took the phone to Best Buy.

Below is an account of what transpired. (Every word of it. And more. Nothing has been added for dramatic effect. I'm really just that crazy.)

While David looked at games and DVDs, I waited for Geek Squad to do some triage. "Home key not working? No biggie. We'll just send it in and get you a new one," said the nice Geek.

"You should have the replacement in 2 or 3 days."

I took a deep breath. "3 days?"

"Yeah, as soon as I put in the order, they'll ship out a new one and I'll ship yours back. We can't replace them out of inventory. But, it's okay. We'll give you a loaner phone."

More deep breaths. A few heart palpitations.

He banged on the keyboard and did whatever it is they do. I proudly said "I'm keeping it together pretty well, huh? I bet some people really freak out that they have to be without their iPhones for 3 days, huh?"

"Yeah, you're fine. Some people really do freak out," the Geek reassured me. Then he said we had to go over to the mobile phone sales area and they would finish out the process, get me the loaner phone, etc.

That's when things went downhill.

Another very friendly employee, Samantha, took over my case.

"So, it'll be 3 to 5 days before the replacement comes in."

"Um, the other guy said 3 days. Is it 3 days or is it 5 days? Because I have to go out of town at the end of next week, and if it's 5 days, maybe I'll just wait. Because I can't go out of town without my phone. I mean, 2 or 3 days would be bad enough, but 5? I just can't do 5. So do you really think it will be 5?"

Oh, because when I panic, I talk a lot. And my voice gets squeaky.

"It'll be 3. I mean, it could be 5. But it's never 5. I just have to tell you it could be 5."

"I might need to sit down. I mean, I know it's just a phone, but, I just haven't ever been without it for 3 days. This is just a lot to take in."

"I understand," she said "I have an iPhone, too."

The lady at the next station purchasing her iPhone was probably wondering what sort of cracked out lunatic I was. I wanted to say "You'll see!! Just wait! You'll see."  Instead, I continued at my feeble attempt to not lose my mind.

David found me. I looked up at him with what must have been a terrified look on my face.

"I've just told her she'll be without her phone for 3 to 5 days," Samantha explained.

David laughed. "Oh, this is about to get really fun..."

"She's doing okay," Samantha said.

"But you're not done yet," he replied. "Just wait. She'll get worse."

"I will not!" I insisted.

"You're leaving sweaty hand prints on the counter," he said.

"We'll get her a loaner phone."

"But it won't be an iPhone, will it?" David teased. Samantha confirmed it wouldn't be.

"What if I need to Google something? Or check our bank balance? Or Pinterest? Oh dear. Pinterest." I said, increasingly high-pitched.

"You have a computer at work. And a computer and a laptop at home. And I have an iPhone. Which I won't let you use, so don't even ask. But, if you're lucky, maybe I'll Google things for you. When I'm not taunting you." David answered.

"You're not helping..." Samantha chimed in.  This, of course, only encouraged him.

"Okay, let's get this form filled in," Samantha said, turning her attention back to the computer. "What problems are you experiencing?"

"My heart is racing. I feel kind of faint..." I answered "Also, the Home key doesn't work."

"When did this start?" she asked.

"About 5 minutes ago... when you said I might be without my phone for 5 days."

I continued "Is there a place on the form where you can put that I'm a doctor and I use my phone for drug calculations and interactions and stuff and that, if I don't have it back as soon as possible, people could die?"

"No."

"That's just as well. I'm not a doctor anyway."

At this point, Samantha found humor in my state and joined Team Mocking Husband.

"Seriously, y'all... I'm about 20 seconds away from curling up in the fetal position under your desk. Let's just get me this loaner phone and then head over to the hospital and get me checked in."

So, we finished filling out the form and she opened the inventory cabinet.

"Awww! Look at all those iPhones you can't have," David said.

Samantha produced a box marked "Loaner phone" and opened it.

It had buttons. The phone had buttons!! Not a keyboard. Buttons. It may as well have had a rotary dial.

"We'll get your contacts transferred over, so that'll help..." Samantha said, hoping to stave off a full-fledged meltdown.

We wandered around the store while they transferred the contacts. When we went back to the mobile phone area, a guy told us they couldn't transfer the contacts after all.

Realizing the severity of the problem, David stopped mocking, thanked the man, took the loaner phone, and hurried me away.

"You'll be okay!" Samantha called behind me. "And, when you come back, maybe you should get this glittery case for your phone!"

"GLITTER?" I said, some pep back in my voice.

But, of course, it was fleeting.

On the way home, I got a text. Of course, I didn't know who sent it. I didn't have any contacts. And my attempt to reply went something like this:

"Is   thIs Savan6aH"

"Is this David?"

"Aud Call inste3ad"

Within seconds, Savannah called.

"OMG! Are you in the hospital or something?." she asked, dead serious.

"No. But my phone is. And they gave me a loaner phone. And it has buttons. And I have to hit each button 3 times to make a letter. And it doesn't have a camera and it rings like this... BLLLLEEERRRGGGG BLLLEEERRGGG. And I can't have my iPhone back for 3 days."

"I knew something was up when your text didn't have punctuation. What's wrong with your voice?" she asked.

"Nothing. It's probably just this phone. There's a lot of static and it's hard to hear."

"No, your actual voice. It's getting higher and higher. You sound like a mouse. Like, I'm actually worried about you," she said, though I question her sincerity as she was laughing the whole time.

"Savannah, I'm going to have to call in sick for the next couple days. I can't be out in public. What if someone sees me with this phone?" I asked.

"It can't be that bad..."

Except, yes it can. Here, you be the judge:

As he took the picture, David said
"I can't believe I'm feeding into this."

(Yes, I included the newspaper so you'll know that I'm not exaggerating and this is the phone I am expected to use. In America. In 2012. I mean, it's so bad that even my work Blackberry isn't seeming like a complete piece of crap.)

Anyway, as I type this, I've made it over 24 hours. By the time I post it, I should be halfway there. So far, no videos have surfaced on YouTube showing "Woman has mental breakdown in Conway Best Buy", so that's encouraging.

This is a close-up of the loaner phone...
only this is more updated than what I have.
Note the camera. Mine doesn't have that. UGH!

Oh, and I bought a Kindle Fire before I left the store. I was going to get one soon anyway and David wisely suggested that it would probably be best to just get it before we left the store. He didn't want to see me have to quit swiping a screen cold turkey. It's helping. It's no iPhone but at least I can angrily fling birds at things.

The Bachelor: Ben {Week 8} Shack Up or Pack Up

Well, it's Week 8 and we finally get to answer the question "What kind of shattered homes must these women come from to make being on a The Bachelor seem like a good idea?" But, before we get to that, remember last week when I said Jeff Probst was the Chuck Norris of reality TV hosting and that Chris Harrison was a nancy boy? I stand firmly by that. Why? Because the opening scene of Survivor last week featured Probst standing outside a moving helicopter. That's right. A moving helicopter. Over the ocean. Case closed. I mean, the tribe has spoken.

First up, Ben meets Lindzi and her family in Ocala, Florida. Lindzi's caption all season has said she is from Seattle, so I was kind of hoping her family was too, but Florida is is fine. I know a lot about Florida. It's broken up into several regions: Rednecks (I think the official name is "the Panhandle", but even that sounds Redneck), Alligators, Where Tim Tebow is From, Where Tim Tebow Went to School, DisneyWorld, Spaceships, Old People, and Smuggled Drugville.  Based on the first thing we see in Lindzi's hometown, Ocala is apparently in the Alligator region. Lindzi tells us she's so excited to "gitta bring my boyfriend home". Remember last week when I was all "I appreciate that Lindzi enunciates"? Cancel that.

Ben meets up with Lindzi at a horse track. Because she's really into horses. I'm not sure if she's mentioned that yet this season. Luckily, Ben thinks Lindzi's equine fetish is "super sexy". Lindzi tells Ben that horses have been her life since before she was born. I guess that makes sense. If you don't think about it. Which, fortunately, thinking isn't Ben's strong suit so he doesn't raise any questions. Instead, they talk about the bad break up Lindzi went through last year. How she and her ex had lived together. How her family hadn't been a big fan of the guy. How, just like in horsemanship, when you fall off, you have to get back on. (And the church said? UGH!)

The more they talk, the more Lindzi says how vulnerable this all makes her. Followed by "Vulnerable is a big word for me." Well, it has more than one syllable, so I'm sure it is, Sweetie.

Oh, and did I mention that, at various points throughout this time, Benzi are riding in a carriage? Sometimes with her in Ben's lap and him at the reins. Ugh.

As it cuts to commerical, they steer the carriage towards Lindzi's parents' house and she attempts to sing "Over the river and through the woods" but botches the words at least 4 times.

Speaking of commercial, I was a little puzzled by the new Bachelor promo. Usually it's "If you'd like to date the next Bachelor..."  It hasn't been "Nominate the next Bachelor" in forever. But it was last night. I was pretty sure the show would stay with recycling a cast member from a previous season... and they probably still will... but it's at least nice to act like they could consider otherwise. And, I get the whole "built in audience" thing when someone is recycled, but really, a breath of fresh air would be nice. I think the last "out of the blue" person was Brad during his first season. It's been a domino effect since then. (For a fabulous family tree, check out this post on Kat's blog!) The plus side of not recycling? You don't get a Ben.

Anyway, back to Alligator, Florida, where it's time to meet the parents. Benzi gallop up in the carriage. She waves and squeals and says "This is my boyfriend, Ben!" Lindzi's parents, Margy and Harry, greet Ben. Dad immediately says "Let me get you some wine". Read: "I'm going to have to start drinking ASAP to get through this."

As the imbibe, Lindzi fills them in on some of the adventures they've had thus far, including the concert at City Hall in San Francisco. Mom and Dad are all "Really!?! We got married at City Hall in San Francisco!"

You know, maybe they did... but wouldn't Lindzi have known this already? At some point during their date, don't you think she would have said to Ben "My parents got married here!" Or maybe she did and I just forgot... but she sure acted surprised last night. I mean, who doesn't know where their parents got married? Mine got married at the 16th Avenue Church of Christ in Sterling, IL... over the strong objections of my paternal grandmother who didn't think they would be for real married because it wasn't at the Catholic church. But there was a priest there. He co-officiated. My mom's attendants were my aunt Margie and my cousins Pat, Shelia, and Betty. BFF Dena was one of her flower girls, along with my cousin Kari Ann - who now lives in Alaska. How cool is that? Her ring bearers were my cousins Jason and Steven. Right before the ceremony, people started noticing my uncle Bob was totally hammered. As there was no alcohol in sight, this was quite odd. So someone - Louis Battles, maybe - tailed my uncle. Turns out he had a bottle of liquor in the tank of the toilet in the men's room and he kept sneaking in to drink. Needless to say, he couldn't be in the wedding, so my dad promoted one of the ushers. And, because it was 1977 and the tuxes and bridesmaids' dresses had a pastel rainbow theme, the usher-cum-groomsman had to change clothes with my uncle. My uncle was, obviously, not excited about this and a chase across the front lawn of the church ensued. And my mom saw all of this out the window of the room where she was getting ready, but had no idea what was going on until later. Anyway, all that to say you're telling me Lindzi didn't know where her parents got married? Unlikely.

Okay, where were we? Right - the parents. Lindzi's dad tells Ben they have a family tradition of carriage racing. He asks if Ben would like to "pork-take". Then he informs Ben he will be "penal-lized" for not trash talking. So either Dad has a weird accent or he likes to talk about male junk. Either way, the parents win the carriage race and Benzi have to pull them home in the carriage. Wait, I thought they were home. Anyway, pulling them home...

Back at the house, the usual switcheroo occurs. Mom talk to daughter, then to Bachelor. Dad talks to Bachelor, then to daughter. Lindzi tells Mom she could see a future with Ben. Mom tells Ben that Lindzi doesn't have a lot of experience dating because they kept her more interested in horses than boys (?!?!) and that then she got her heart broken and stuff. Because that's what every new "boyfriend" wants to hear. Ben tells Dad he's not ready to propose to Courtney though he has strong feelings for Lindzi. Dad states the obvious: that Lindzi is his daughter and he loves her. Then asks Ben to continue building a relationship and not rush into things.

Finally, everyone sits around the fire and eats S'mores. And drinks wine from mason jars made into goblets. I'm not kidding. And maybe Ocala is in the Redneck region, not the Alligator region.

In the end, Ben says Lindzi is humble and grounded... and he likes that. Not as much as he likes arrogant, venomous models who readily get naked, but he likes it.

The Bachelor: Ben {Week 7} Courtney acts sweet and normal. PSYCHE!

It's Week 7 of Ben's "journey to find love". Before we go any further, it's okay to admit you stopped watching 4 weeks ago. Or you only watch to see if it's possible Ben gets any more lame than he was the week before. Seriously, he is the worst Bachelor ever. Not a single person I've talked to likes him. If you do, please leave me a comment and tell me why. I'm being for real. I don't think he sucks at life necessarily, just that he's a complete snoozefest. I don't find him attractive, witty, fun, or interesting in any way. So, if you do, I'd love to hear why. Maybe I'm missing something. I doubt it, but maybe...

But alas, this week Lieutenant Lame-O takes the girls to Belize. And, as a special treat, we get to see a graphic of a plane flying from Panama to Belieze. I assume this was made to show the girls who still weren't convinced there was more than one Panama City and didn't understand why they are leaving Florida

Ben says some crap about how beautiful it is. He name drops the hotel: CocoBeach Resort. He drives himself in on a big motorboat. What is with this guy and boats? I thought he was a winemaker. Why are they painting him as Jack Sparrow? Ben continues reflecting. He tells us he's captivated and captured. That feelings of love are there... but he's contractually obligated not to not ready to tell anyone yet.

At least I think that's what he said. My entire attention was devoted to the tank top he was wearing. And not just any tank top. A striped tank top. And not just any striped tank top. A striped tank top with a deep V. Suffice it to say, that's a sentence I had hoped to never type.

The women arrive. KCB tells us she's as in love with Ben as she can get. Which is to say?? For me, I am also as in love with Ben as I can get. Absolutely none at all. So does this mean she's actually *super* in love with him and her heart is maxed out? Or does it mean the amount a person could love boring ol' Ben is fairly low, and thus it was easy for her to reach that point? I'm hoping for the latter.

The girls oooh and aaah at the villa. Emily says it's beautiful and that she's sharing it with four girls and a shark. Then adds "Courtney", in case anyone in the world was unclear about that.

Chris Harrison arrives (Nice of you to make it this week, dude!) and gives another long speech about love and marriage and roses and dates. This week, three one-on-one dates and one group date. But *cue ominous music* there will be no roses on the one-on-one dates. Only on the group date.

Oh, and while they were standing there, Courtney and Rachel are both wearing scarves. Not breezy silk scarves, but kind of heavy material. I know this filmed around October, but is it ever scarf weather in Belize? Or maybe something about their overbites creates a draft and gives them chills. Or maybe they both need to eat a cheeseburger. Or 20.

Chris leaves the first date card. It's for Lindzi. It says "Two halves make a whole." I spent a lot of time wondering what that had to do with their date, but - at this exact moment - I have realized that I didn't actually look at the card and it was likely spelled "hole", not "whole". In which case, it would be relevant to the date. Though, the "two halves" part is still unnecessary. It could have said "Ben's a dillhole" and gotten the point across.

Ben meets Lindzi for their date. Anyone want to guess what he's wearing? Surely not another tank top, right? I mean, that would be absurd...

That's right. Another striped tank. This time with a tiny pocket. Oh my stars. There are just no words. Plus, having made a picture with Ben and Redfoo, I am now realizing that they have a lot in common. Weird hair. Tank tops. Overinflated sense of self-worth. But not that glasses. I added Ben's. There is, however, one thing Ben and Redfoo don't have in common. I don't hate Redfoo. Don't get me wrong. I feel like I should hate Redfoo. I mean, look at the guy. And who says "Every day I'm shufflin'"? What does that even mean?! And LMFAO for a group name? Give me a break. But, nevertheless, I find a reason to say "I'm sexy and I know it" at least once a day. And by "say", I mean "sing". Frankly, I would much rather Redfoo be The Bachelor. THAT would be good television. Except for the Speedo...

As Emily watches Lindzi and RedFoo Jr. leave for their date, she says something about how it's like having someone put a delicious slice of cheesecake in front of you and then someone else comes and takes it away and says "bye-bye" and leaves with your cake. In swim trunks. Um, what? I think she's trying to convey envy... but what she's actually conveying is that she might be high. That would explain the hankering for cheesecake.

Back to Benzi. They board a helicopter (okay, last season I complained about the lack of helicopters... but this season has too many helicopters. There has to be a mid-point somewhere.) The helmet-taking wasn't too bad this week. Lindzi says now that she's met Ben, she is thinking about marriage and kids and stuff. Uh, why wasn't she thinking about that before? Or maybe, hopefully, she's thinking "I now realize how much I want to get married and have kids and how Ben would be the worst possible course by which I could pursue that."

The helicopter flies them over the Great Blue Hole. (That's where the "hole" part came in on the date card.) It's actually beautiful. Any time I see a picture, I wish I could fly over it. But not with Ben. Anyone but Ben.

Not only do Benzi get to fly over the hole (and yes, I wish it had a much less ridiculous name), they get to jump in it. Out of the helicopter. Hey, what are the chances Lindzi is terrified of heights? Hmmm...

After an unbearable amount of metaphors are uttered ("taking the leap", "leap of faith", "falling from the helicopter will be like falling in love", that kind of crap), they jump.

And by "jump, I mean "not that far". Of course, the camera shows us a nice, wide shot and wants us to believe it's all Ashton Kutcher a la The Guardian and they are leaping from some almost-lethal height. In reality, I'm guessing it wasn't much more than a typical high diving board. Of course, it makes Lindzi scream. She probably peed a little. Sorry, fish.
After they have terrified the marine life, a boat appears and they swim to it. At some point, they transfer to a smaller boat, once again skippered by Ben. They navigate to a dock. Lindzi comments on the star-lit water. In reality, there are floating candles in the water. Stars. Candles. Same difference. Ask an astrophysicist.

Continuing to flaunt her educational prowess, Benzi arrive at a pile of pillows on the ground. She asks "Is this for us?" No, sweetie, it's for the other couples waiting to be seated. "Dimwit. Party of 2. Your cushions are now available."

Ben asks if she is ready to bring him home. She talks about what an important step that is. (Side note: Lindzi is a stellar enunciator. She puts the T in "important". "Imp-por-Tant". Most people say something like "impordunt". I like the T. Mostly because I also say it that way. It sounds just pretentious enough without going overboard.)

(Another side note: Lindzi has a raspy voice. Not full-fledged Marlboro-tastic like Rachel, but raspy. As the night progresses, it gets worse. By the end of the night, she sounds like Phyllis Diller.)

After a fair bit of rambling, Lindzi says that she is hopeful Ben will meet her family. What happens next would be the most ridiculous thing all night, were it not for the fact that Ben had already worn TWO tank tops. A montage of the two of them plays. And not just any montage. To make it look all romantic and gooey, it's jazzed up with special effects. I know nothing of video effects, but I am fairly certain a local 7th grader did it as a class project. They made the color funky and sort of superimposed beams of light here and there. Even as I'm describing it, I'm not doing justice to how corny it was. Not to mention that there aren't a lot of clips of the two of them together. Just... wow...

As if that weren't enough, Ben pulls out a piece of paper and says they are going to write a note to put in a bottle. No doubt one of they already drained of wine. Somehow it turns into a drawing on one side of them jumping from the helicopter and a "love story" on the other. It started out "Once upon a time..." It ended with Ben making an "eternal promise" to her to be truthful and open. I choked on my own vomit at some point. Lindzi ate it up. Wait, the love stuff... not my vomit. She was all "I know Ben can't tell me how he feels so it's so great he could work it into this silly love story." Aaaaand... more vomit. Do I even have to mention again how unbelievably ludicrous it is to think you can build a solid relationship with someone who can't tell you how they feel? I know it wouldn't make for good TV if Ben was like "I heart Courtney. She's the front-runner." But, whatever. Still dumb.

Speaking of dumb, they write their little note and throw their bottle out to sea. Whoo hoo.

While Benzi were on their date, another date card arrived at the hotel. This time, for Emily. Of course, Courtney handles this with as much grace and appropriateness as she handles anything. By faking tears and saying she wants to kill herself.

Emily's date card asks "Do you Belize in love?" Please, for the love of Pete, explain to me why we even need these date cards? Just an envelope with the name(s) would suffice. But then how would the women speculate and read entirely too much into a silly pun in girly handwriting meant to be a heartfelt invitation from Ben?

But, it seems Em does Belize in love. She's *super* excited as she boards a chartered plane. And hands a guy a boarding pass. FYI: A Cessna 208 holds 9 passengers. (Can we agree to glaze over my ability to identify aircraft and just agree I'm a complex nerd? Thanks.) A privately chartered Cessna holds, um, 1 passengers. I think we can skip the boarding pass. You're in Group A. You have no baggage to check. Emotional baggage notwithstanding.

As the plane approaches the runway, Ben ducks down. Yeah, because you're really standing RIGHT in the path of the plane. Not that a haircut wouldn't do you a world of good, but come on. It wasn't right overhead. Ugh.

After the "near miss" with the aircraft, Ben tells us he has a *super, super* cool date planned. They are going to...... wait for it..... bike ride through town! *SQUEE!!!!* He goes on to say he's easy peasy. Ugh.

Lemon Squeezy and Emily wander through town. They drink from coconuts, interrupt a local basketball game, annoy some vendors, dance in the street, and then head down to the dock to buy some lobsters. Unfortunately, all the lobsters are sold.

**Waaaaannn waaaahhh...* (That was sad, Charlie Brown, disappointment-type music. You didn't get that?)

But wait!!

The guy can't sell these lobsters but he CAN get Emily and Ben a ride on a boat and they can fetch their own lobsters. I mean, what are the chances?!?!

Emily tells us she loves how spontaneous Ben is. Okay, really? Because even if Ben had set any of this up himself, he wouldn't be spontaneous. He'd be poorly organized. I mean, why wouldn't he have purchased the lobster ahead of time? Duh.

At any rate, Emily and Ben head out to sea and cannonball off the boat to begin acquiring lobster. Apparently they have some sort of hooking device and will catch the lobster by its tail. This should go well...

While Ben and Emily are upsetting PETA, Courtney is back at the villa laying it on thick. She's telling Lindzi how she can't believe Ben is out on a date with someone who treated her so badly. Yeah, well, Belize it, Courtney. It's happening. She "cries" to the camera and says she's falling for Ben and he should be on her side and shouldn't want to spend time with someone who was mean to her. She adds that if she doesn't get a one-on-one date, she won't accept any rose from Ben this week because she wouldn't want him to meet her family. Can I just say that the attempts to make Courtney look less venomous just make me dislike her more? And the fact that the whole time she talks, she does the Kristen Stewart "hands in the hair" thing makes me stabby. My two least favorite people to ever see on TV merging into one. Score.

Okay, back to the great lobster fishermen. They sit down to dinner and dig into "their" lobsters. Ben asks her the same thing he asked Lindzi about meeting the family. Emily says she feels the connection between the two of them is really strong now that the distractions she caused by talking about Courtney are in the past. She'd love for him to meet her family. Blah blah. Um, Em? Maybe the best way to let Ben know you're over the Courtney thing is by not mentioning it and reminding him of it. Ben isn't the brightest bulb. You can't say Courtney at all and expect him to keep listening. His mind will immediately jump to seeing her naked non-boobies in Puerto Rico.

Basically admitting he's not, you know, intelligent, Ben tells Emily how he's always taken by her intelligence. But that he figures smart people don't always want to be told they're smart, so he wants her to know she's beautiful too. They kiss.

Back at the hotel, the final one-on-one date card arrives. It's for Courtney. She has a different impression of Ben. She declares to everyone that he is a "smart boy" for listening to her and realizing she needed time alone with him. Further proving his intelligence, Ben tells us something about "Courtney and I's" relationship.

ONCE AGAIN... IT IS NEVER "I'S". Why do I have to go over this every single season?! Never, ever, ever, ever in the history of ever will it be "I's". It's MY!! "Courtney's and my..." NEVER!!!!! EVER!!!!!!! I'm beginning to understand how people can start wars. It's over crap like this that infuriates the wrong person with a cache of weapons.

Okay, hold on. I need a little pranayama break. What is it my yoga teacher says? "Breathing in life and vitality as you inhale. Slowly exhaling anything negative. Inhale. Exhale. Forget that Ben is an idiot. Stabbing people is not allowed. Life and vitality..."

IT'S NEVER "I'S"!!

Life and vitality... inhale, exhale.

Back to Courtney. She tells us that Ben needs to step up his game and he knows it. She spews some idiocy about how the spark between them has kind of fizzled and he better get it back if he wants to meet her family. And by "fizzled" she means "What spark? This is all just a ridiculous exercise my agent is forcing me to do so maybe the people at Victoria's Secret will want to sign me."

Ben greets Courtney as she exits the plane. Yes, another plane. In her tiny Ben voice, Courtney notes that it's a "little plane". Read: "It's bad enough I have to fly coach sometimes. But to fly in this tuna can without so much as a servant flight attendant to bring me drinks? Travesty!"

They hike through the jungle and arrive at a Mayan temple. Courtney asks if this is where they do human sacrifices. Normally I would say "RUN, BEN! RUN!" but, honestly, if someone has to be sacrificed to whatever god she terrifies worships... and if Ben already happens to be there... well, I mean, what can you do?

As they begin climbing, Court continues with her poor, pitiful model act. She tells him she didn't like it that he was out with Emily after Emily said such nasty things about her. (Not false things, mind you. Just nasty.) She tells him that she wouldn't have accepted a rose without getting a one-on-one this week. She says being on the group dates made her feel like they were just friends.

*cue that screeching sound when the DJ makes the record come to a sudden halt*

On more than one group date, they've practically made babies. Puerto Rico with the inappropriate and the skinny dipping was a group date. And she felt like they were just friends? No wonder later she'll tell us she mostly has guy friends. I'm sure lots of guys would like a "friend" like that. Though I think they would call it something other than friend. Something buddy.

Ben reassures her that he's been in her shoes and respects how she's feeling... but that she always made herself stand out on group dates. *laugh, choke, spit, cough* Yeah she did!!

He then says he realizes that he wants a woman with a little edge to her. (Like her shoulders? They are have a perfect 90° angle to them. That's edgy, right?) He says he likes that she's a little weird. Because he's weird, too.

Oh, so he knows he's weird? Well, that helps a little.

Finally, they reach the top of the temple and sit down again for more deep conversation. And metaphors about each step they took. Gag.

Looking out over the vista, Ben says "Oh my dad!" Then says "Oh, I say that sometimes. When I'm thinking of my dad." To which my husband piped up "I'm sure your dad would rather you not take his name in vain like that." This, of course, leads to talk about his dad and Ben saying he could picture his past, present, and future in that moment. And with Courtney. Um, is it possible he ate some sort of Mayan plant on the way up?

He then, AGAIN, says something about "Courtney and I's"...

And this is where the recap ends because I shot my TV and have no idea what happened next.

But, had I not shot the TV, I'm sure they would have gone to dinner. Where Courtney would have said that no man has asked her father for her hand in marriage before. Really? I can't imagine. A mean-spirited model who puts out freely? No one felt the need to lock that down yet? Shocking!

Ben says how he pictured his life with her and had a moment of crazy clarity and stuff.

Because she's clearly here for Ben and not for *WINNING*, Courtney tells the camera that the show's over. Pack your bags, girls! She then blazes some finger guns and shoots. Then says "KILL SHOT!" Followed by "But I don't want to get cocky." True. Why cross that line, right?

Ben asks Courtney about the other girls. She goes on a speech about how not one of them has tried to get to know her or ask about her because they are all just mean and jealous and stuff. But it doesn't matter because she would never be friends with any of them in real life anyway. They are all just so vanilla and it's so hard for her to just sit there and listen to them talk.

Okay, if that didn't tell Ben everything he needed to know about Courtney, there's no hope for him. And I sense there's no hope for him. I mean, she pretty much just said "I hate them all, but it's annoying they don't like me anyway."

He then asks if she has many girl friends. She answers that she has many good friends. Just most are guys. (I think we've adequately covered why.)

Side note: I think, at some point, almost every girl has declared she has mostly guy friends. And, at some point, it's probably true. For me, it was college. I was in a male-dominated major. I watched a lot of sports. I laughed at bathroom humor. I really did relate better to guys. The caveat? No one wanted to date me. You see, there are two types of "I mostly have guy friends" girls. The "one of the guys" girl... which I was. And the "I'm such an evil skank no women can tolerate me... but guys enjoy my skankiness" girl. I think it's clear which one Court is.

She goes on to make a few subtle jabs at the girls and declares they wear her out.

Ben forms what some could consider to be a rational thought and says it's important to him that he be with someone who is able to connect with others and get along with people. He wonders if she can do that. She replies with one of the best/worst lines I've ever heard.

"Do you even understand how stressful my job is? I'm the TALENT! I have to keep everyone happy..."

Really? Because I thought a model's job was to wear what she was told, stand how she was told, and not eat solid food. Aside from walking in heels, which I can't do, I don't see where talent really is a factor. I mean, I suppose for her, faking a smile would take talent, but other than that... GAG!

She finishes by saying she's really well-rounded and is just not impressed by these girls. Well, glad we cleared that up.

Ben tells us that he doesn't want to push her because she gets defensive. But he doesn't want to be with someone no one likes. I hope he's watching these episodes with a friend who is willing to give him a much-deserved junk punch every time he says something like this. Dude, if you are considering MARRIAGE to someone and you can't "push them" or they "get defensive", um, come on! Another clue you might be an idiot: If the girls makes a big production about how she doesn't have to find love this way.

Yep. She said that. More than once. Why not just come right out and say "How did Anne Vyalitsyna get Adam freakin' Levine and I got this tool?"

Mmmm. Adam Levine.

What were we talking about?

Adam Levine?

Ok.

Right. Right. Ben. Who is decidedly NOT Adam Levine.

After Courtney temporarily releases her claws, he has a group date to attend.

In a striped hoodie, looking only slightly like a strung out rapist, Ben sneaks into the girls room.

I really felt like Emily dropped the ball here. She's supposed to be a rapper and she couldn't even give us a little "Bed Intruder"? "Hide yo wife, hide yo kids. Ben's sneakin' up in here!"

According to him, it's 4 AM. He tells the girls to get on their bathing suits and meet him outside. He also says hi to Courtney, who is sleeping in the same bed as Rachel? Yeah, okay.

The girls make a mad dash to get ready and shave various body parts. Because what you want to do immediately before jumping in the salty ocean is shave your bikini zone. That won't burn at all.

The girls meet him outside. The sun is now up. This greatly disturbed my husband. He thinks girls should get ready in .08 minutes. For the record, he's never once criticized how I look if I do get ready in .08 seconds, but still, I think he'd be shocked to find out how many women take over an hour to get ready every day. Or how often most women shave versus how my legs currently look. So, let's not tell him. Okay?

They take a small boat out to a catamaran. Anyone want to guess what Ben is wearing (now that he's removed his stalker hoodie)? Surely not another tank top. This is turning into a season of Tosh.0 (Having recovered from his shock about how long it took the girls to "get ready really quickly", my husband began singing "I'm bringin' tacky back..." after seeing third tank top of the episode.)

He tells the girls that they are now floating over a part of the sea known as Shark Alley. It sounds like a Nintendo game to me, but Ben insists it is a real thing. And they are going to swim with the sharks!! KCB and Nicki are excited. Rachel, however, is TERRIFIED! Sharks are her biggest fear. She doesn't even swim in lakes because she's afraid there could be a shark.

This garners all kinds of sympathy and attention from Ben. And annoyance from the other girls. And metaphors about diving in.

The actual swimming was pretty uneventful. We saw girls. We saw sharks. We saw Ben. We saw sharks. We never saw sharks in the same frame as girls. I'm guessing the sharks didn't want to be within a mile of Ben. Smart sharks.

So, yeah. Totally lame. If you're going to have a shark scene, do it like Couples Retreat:

After their non-encounter with the sharks, it's time for an after-party. Of course. It's equally lame. All the girls ramble on during their private chat with Ben about how they want him to meet their families and how they lurve him and stuff.

Nicki gives a very gangsta speech to the camera about how, that's right, she loves Ben. She's not afraid to tell it to the palm trees. And the sea shells. And the (bleeping) ocean.

Again, I'm reminded of a Vince Vaughn movie. Wedding Crashers. The extended edition, to be specific. In which the brother sits on the dock and yells about death. And Christopher Walken tries to encourage his son by yelling back "Todd, that's good! Tell that mean ocean!" Apparently cursing at the sea is therapeutic. Okay.

Whilst making out in the hot tub, KCB also confesses her feelings. And also is glad to know Ben feels the same, even though he can't say it back. UGH!!!

Ben decides KCB's declaration of love was the most moving and gives her the group date rose.

Meanwhile, Courtney has worked her way to the balcony, overlooking the deck where they after-party is taking place. She sees Ben give KCB the rose. She she's KCB is not competition. She's a little girl. In a little boy's body. Because, Courtney and her nearly-A cups have a lot of room to talk. At least KCB has feminine shoulders.

Before the date wraps up, Ben makes a speech about how nice it was that everyone was open. KCB says they just want him to be happy. Nicki says they are concerned he might get hurt. Eventually they get to the point that Courtney sucks. Ben says "Because of the beef between her and Emily?"

The beef? What is this? West Side Story?

Nicki explains that it's more than that. It's the way she talks in general that make it evident she's not there for the right reasons.

Ben tells the camera maybe she is saying one thing to him and something else to everyone. Now, if only he would let that thought overshadow the thought of her naked, he might be okay. But, let's face it, that's not going to happen.

Later that night, the girls walk down another long pier and gather for the Cocktail Party.

The girls make awkward conversation about how nervous they are. Courtney talks about how good her pina colada is. She says "OHMYGOSH! It's so good when it hits your lips!" and "Let's get this party started!" and snaps. Yes, snaps. As the other girls continue to be pensive about the fact that Ben might send them home, Courtney says "Why? He isn't the only guy in the world." Then she begins talking to the umbrella in her drink. Then, to the girls who are still feeling unsettled, she gives a snarky "Well, you should have used your time wisely."

Chris Harrison arrives and stands in front of some tiki torches and totem poles. In a suit.

Chris Harrison should not be allowed to stand in front of anything tribal. It infringes too much on Jeff Probst's territory. Jeff Probst is the Chuck Norris of reality TV hosting. Period. And Survivor is the best show. And it starts again tomorrow. And I'm kind of over the moon. All that to say that Probst would vote Chris Harrison off the island so fast his Botoxed forehead might even move! Chris should just go back to standing in a cushy hotel suite and leave the outdoors to Jeff.

You know what Probst would do if he were the host of this show? He'd mock Ben. Often and out loud. Because that's what he does on Survivor. He says things like "My grandma could crawl up that wall faster than you!" You know what Chris Harrison does? Gives two-bit relationship advice and sends tweets with terrible grammar.

Anyway, more deep breathing to clam myself down.

Chris tells the girls that Ben has decided not to have a Cocktail Party tonight. He's already made up his mind what he wants to do. The girls all feign shock.

Soon, Ben arrives. The girls line up - all barefoot - for the Rose Ceremony. Before he hands out a rose, he asks to steal Courtney for a second. Of course, mouths gape and dreams are shattered for the remaining girls. Only for a second though. Then everyone is like "BOOYAH!! He's going to send the (bleep) home!"

Ben tells Courtney he wants to make sure she's really in this and really here for the right reasons. Courtney says she really thinks they can make each other happy... but she doesn't want him to question her. She's been very open and honest. Well, at least she doesn't get defensive, right?

They rejoin the crowd and Ben hands out roses. Once again, the lameness of this episode drained my psychic prowess.

KCB has a rose.
Nicki and Lindzi get roses. They both squeal.

Chris Harrison arrives to tell us that there is only one rose left. It's not nearly as impactful as "The tribe has spoken", but whatevs.

Ben asks Courtney if she will accept the rose. In her tiny Ben voice, she says "Yes".

Rachel and Emily leave dejected. Courtney says "See ya, wouldn't want to be ya" and tips her rose in Emily's direction.

Rachel tells the camera that she's disappointed. Or something. I was too distracted by the fact that she had a total 70s feather earring hanging from her head. But only one side. I assume her fringe jacket and Harley are back at the villa.

She walks out to a boat and we see her cry some more while they sail away.

Emily cries a little. Make a valid point that she hopes Ben finds someone who worries about him as much as Courtney worries about herself. Then she ugly cries and boards a boat. Unlike with Rachel, we don't get any footage from on the boat. I guess they couldn't spring for a second camera crew.

So, that's that. How I managed to write so much about so little is beyond me. But, if you cared about brevity, you'd have stopped reading this mess long ago!

I did manage a little more brevity in my radio recap this week. You can find it HERE. And, for the record, I very clearly pronounced "supposedly" yet it still sounds like "supposebly". Or I'm just hyper-sensitive. Either way, be assured I said "supposedly".

Hopefully next week's episode will have all the craziness and drama the hometowns should have. From the previews, it looks like KCB's dad might not be a big fan of giving his blessing to Ben, should Ben want to marry her. So, you know, maybe a dad with a brain. Though I expect he'll backtrack / sugar coat more during the episode. I hope not, though. And I hope someone has a pet mortuary in their basement again. Or a bird funeral. Or any of the other lunacy from past hometowns.

How an Arkansas snow storm looks to a Yankee...

Being an Illinois transplant to Arkansas, I'll never quite get used to the madness that unfolds when winter weather is predicted here. As I've said many times before, I understand that having little or no snow removal equipment means a few logistical headaches. For example, if the snow looks to be arriving about noon, it's probably better to proactively cancel school because you can't very well get a bunch of kids ferried home on snow-covered roads without a plow or salt truck for miles. I get that. What I don't get is the general mass chaos.

Last week, it looked like we might get a wintery mix today. Today, we did get a wintery mix. A little snow. A little sleet. Nothing big. In fact, it's mostly gone now. But it's what happened in between last week and today - and what happens every year with every chance of snow - that amuses me.

So, through my Northern eyes, here's what a snow storm in the South looks like:



What Arkansans picture when someone says "Chance of snow".
source




Tuesday Local meteorologist: "…and there's a slight chance of some winter weather next Sunday, into Monday."
Tuesday The whole state: "IT'S GOING TO SNOW ON MONDAY. THE WEATHER GUY JUST SAID SO! HE SOUNDED CERTAIN!"
Tuesday Local meteorologist: "These are still long-range models. A lot can change between now and then."

Tuesday The whole state: "SNOW!!!! SNOOOOOWWWW!!!!"

The next few days are spent hanging on every word uttered by anyone who is now, has ever been, is related to, or has ever met a meteorologist.

Friday Local meteorologist: "Well, the models have tightened up and it looks like we can expect some winter weather. It will mainly be in the northern half of the state, but a few flakes are possible throughout."

Friday The whole state: "IT'S GOING TO SNOW!! SNOW!!! INITIATE YOUR WINTER WEATHER PROTOCOL IMMEDIATELY!! THIS IS NOT A DRILL, PEOPLE!"

By the weekend, the state has split into two camps… Team Snow Day and Team Flip Flop

Saturday Local meteorologist: "Looking now like most of the state could see 1"-2" of snow. We can't rule out a little ice. If there are any school closures, we'll let you know. Just plan that you'll need a little extra time on the roads when you head back into work on Monday."

Saturday Team Snow Day: "Did you hear that, everyone on Facebook / Twitter?! He said all the schools will be closed and no one will have to work at all next week!! YAY!!!"

Saturday Team Flip Flop: "Oh my goodness, everyone on Facebook / Twitter, can you believe it's going to snow? I hate snow. I want summer. Snow sucks. Summer rules all."

Sunday Local meteorologist: *repeats everything he said on Saturday*

Sunday Team Snow Day: "YAY!!! BRING IT ON, SNOW!! We're going to drink hot cocoa and make ice cream from the snow and watch movies and build a snowman and drink more cocoa. That's a lot of cocoa. I better go get milk."
Sunday Team Flip Flop: "It's going to be a blizzard. We'll be snowed in for days. I better go get milk. At least we'll have strong, healthy bones when we all die in an avalanche."

At this point, Team Snow Day and Team Flip Flop converge on every grocery store in the state. They buy all the bread and milk. Because apparently that's all you need to survive. No one buys granola bars or trail mix or fruit or things that can actually be stored and prepared in the event the power goes out. Nope. Just bread and milk.


Actual milk shelves at a local Kroger yesterday.
Posted to Facebook by actual meteorologist, Todd Yakoubian.



Monday Local meteorologist: "The roadways are clear at this time. Be careful on bridges and overpasses, but other than that, it's mainly only sticking to the roofs and yards. Sorry, kids. Looks like everyone has school."
Monday Team Snow Day: "LOOK!! I SAW A SNOWFLAKE! AND ANOTHER!! This must be what it's like to live in Narnia!! I'm going to post 47 pictures of this flake on Facebook. I'm so bummed I / my kids have to go to school / work."
Monday Team Flip Flop: "This is absurd. It's clearly a blizzard out here. I can't believe I / my kids have to go to school / work. This is just proof that the school district / my employer / the government / the universe doesn't care about me / my child. These roads are dangerous and now I have to get out in this mess?! I just saw another snow flake. That brings the total up to 4. I'm sending an angry tweet right now!"

Later Monday Local meteorologist: "Well, that's all she wrote. We didn't get quite as much as expected. The roads are wet and it may get below freezing again overnight, so leave a little extra room between yourself and the car in front of you tomorrow morning. The rest of the week looks great. Highs tomorrow around 48°. 65° on Wednesday. Then, on Thursday, we can't rule out a killer tornado outbreak or two."

And, with that, the snow event comes to a close. The weather geeks high five each other about how accurate the forecasting was. Even if it wasn't. Everyone hangs up their The North Face fleece jackets and takes off the Wellies they only bought because calling them Wellies sounds fancy and British, when, in fact, they are just $14 polka dot rain boots from Target. Bread and milk return to the shelves. Life goes on.
For another month.

Until "severe weather season" starts March 1st… and then Team Snow Day and Team Flip Flop realign into Team Amateur Storm Chaser and Team I Heard Thunder, Get In The Storm Shelter.

But that's a story for another day…

Puppymonster vs. The Interwebz

Puppymonster - the world's most mischievous dog - has sufficiently destroyed my home and my sanity. Now he's set his sights on destroying the internet with his very own blog:

THE PUPPYMONSTER



Seriously, y'all. I can't find the words to properly convey the things this dog does. So, instead, I photograph them. I mean, yeah, yeah, he might start behaving better if I would correct him immediately instead of taking a picture of it first, but let's be realistic.

So, if you're interested in seeing where the few precious bit of sanity I had left have gone, I'll be posting pictures, repair bills, videos, insurance claims, etc. over there.

And, while I don't normally do sponsored posts, if the people at Xanax want to contact me, I wouldn't turn them down.

The Bachelor: Ben {Week 6} SERIOUSLY?! THIS GUY?!

It's Week 6 and Ben and his harem are off to further damage the reputation of Americans across the globe. This time? Panama City, Panama.

The fact that they are in Panama City makes me laugh. Living in Arkansas, the Gulf Coast is the nearest option for a beach vacation. And Panama City, Florida is THE place to go for Spring Break revelry. Or so I'm told. I've never actually been. But it's nearly impossible to encounter a person between 17 and 27 in this town who I have not heard shout "PANAMA!!!" at least once. Whenever I hear Panama or Panama City, I instantly picture stories told to me by some waitress at a local restaurant. So, I was hoping this episode of The Bachelor might enlighten me as to the finer points of the real Panama City. Instead, of course, it featured all the bikinis, alcohol, and shame I've already heard about. Yawn.

As we've already established, one must travel to exotic locales to find love. And that we can't travel anywhere without making cheesy FlipCam videos and ooohing and aaahing at whatever fancy hotel we get to take over. But this week, we get a special treat.

As the girls are in the lobby ooohing and aaahing, Ben arrives. In a giant Jeep. He parks the Jeep under the awning at the hotel. He grabs his suitcase and wheels it in. Now, while I didn't catch the exact name of the hotel, I did catch that it was a Trump property. Why Ben brings in his own luggage elludes me. Maybe The Donald has a standing policy that anyone with worse hair than his must carry in their own stuff.

Ben greets the women and makes small talk about Panama City. "Did you realize it was so metropolitan?" Um, no. Most of them are just now realizing it's not in Florida. Then he leaves the date card.

HOLD THE PHONE! Where is Chris Harrison?! HE leaves the date card. HE makes the speech about time and roses and spending time to get roses. HE explains how the dates work for the 900th time. This is an outrage! All I can figure is that since he had to show up three times last week, he had to sit this one out.

The first date card goes to KCB. She is, of course, super excited. The date card asks if their love will survive and instructs her to bring three items on the date.

She and Ben meet up and board a helicopter. They participate in some of the worst helmet talking in the show's history. Truly brutal. But, they also fly over the Panama Canal. That was kind of cool. The chopper lands on a deserted island, then flies off.

"We're getting stranded!", KCB exclaims.

Yep, just you, Ben, about 10 members of the crew... totally stranded.

Ben asks what items she brought along. She pulls out a stuffed monkey (I think that's what it was), a corkscrew that is also a knife, and a bag of candy. Aside from the candy, I see no value in any of those things. Me? I'd take a satellite phone, those tablets that make ocean water into fresh water, and Ozzy Lusth. Because he's my favorite Survivor ever. And I'd ask Ozzy to bring sunscreen, bug repellent, and - of course - candy.

Because he apparently thinks he is Ozzy, Ben brings the following things: fishing net, matches, and a machete. Which he pronounces "ma- CHET - ay". His fake Spanish accent gets worse every week.

Not Ozzy gets out the ma-CHET-ay and begins to hack at some coconuts.

KCB tells us that she's glad they are alone on this island because a lot of times couples don't survive when they are alone. Um, WHAT?! Do I even need to elaborate or can we all agree that this was one of the stupidest statements ever uttered on this show? Then next stupidest? "Watching Ben crack into coconuts is hot."

Yeah, because any time I've felt my romantic life was a bit lackluster, I could trace the problem back to lack of coconut cracking.

After successfully butchering a few coconuts, Ben declares that if he and KCB can accomplish this together, they can accomplish anything.

Then they toast each other with champagne glasses. Hmm, maybe her dumb corkscrew came in handy. After all, everyone stranded on desert islands comments on how good the champagne is. It, like coconuts, grows on trees, right? Or maybe the island was last inhabited by really fancy pirates.

Somehow, they are rescued from the island. I like to think they rode back to shore whilst holding the fin of a talking dolphin. But probably the helicopter just picked them up.

At dinner, they talk about how good they both look and how much KCB is looking forward to doing day-to-day things with someone. Ben asks about her normal activities. She says she likes to go to the grocery store and cook. Aaaaaannd... hilarious laughter when my friend Laura tweeted me "Does she not have a kitchen at her house?"  (Side note: I love it when people tweet me during the show. I often can't respond right then but I read them all when the show is over and I laugh my fool head off. Please, feel free to join in the fun! @audcole)

Anyway, when KCB isn't getting removed from Whole Foods for attempting to prepare a meal over a hot plate in the bathroom, she also enjoys working out and spending time with her friends and family. Frankly, I zoned out. I was too distracted by Ben's giant watch. Seriously, I'm calling it Big Ben. He he he. I mean, who does Ben think he is?

Seriously, dude. If you're going to jack someone's watch, don't let it be Flavor Flav's. Have you not seen his criminal record? Attempted murder, yo!

Anyway, KCB. She goes on to tell Ben about an eating disorder she overcame and how it has helped her learn she doesn't have to be perfect. One thing I will never do is make light of eating disorders. Period. I will, however, say that if you come on a reality dating show, it's possible you might want to sit down with your therapist when you get back because I think you may have some unresolved self-esteem issues. Not to mention the whole new set of issues you'll acquire after going on a reality dating show.

Ben appreciates that she opened up and blah blah blah. He gives her a rose and they kiss. 

KCB tells us that, on a scale of 1 to Wonderful... today was Fantastic. Now, I never can remember how this scale goes... is it 1, 2, 3, Unicorns, Glitter, Fantastic, Wonderful? Or did I transpose 2 and Glitter?