The Bachelor: Ben {Week 5}: Courtney bares all, including her dark, empty soul.

Is this Week 5? Or 38? I'm not sure. You know halfway through every season, I lose track of how long we've been at this and wish I could just fast-forward to the hometown dates. But, no such luck. This week, we're in Vieques, Puerto Rico. As always, it's amazing and gorgeous and a perfect place to fall in love. You know, for all this show talks about risk-taking and stressful situations building love, you'd think they'd drop 'em off in Compton and be like "Here's your stress! If you get out alive, you'll have found love and we'll reward you with an after-party."

Anyway, Puerto Rico. The girls ooh and aah at the scenery and the hotel. Ben talks about love and hoping to go deeper in the relationships. Me, the husband, and Tristan the 9th grade boy in my head all shouted "YEAH YOU ARE!!"

Chris Harrison arrives, looking as Chris Harrison as ever...

He spends an inordinate amount of time - again - explaining how the dates work and how you may not get a rose, so you have to have your bags packed. Because if you don't get a rose, you will go home immediately. Roses = stay. No rose = no stay. So make the most of your time with Ben. Because time is limited. And should be made the most of, lest you not get a rose and have to go home. I mean, seriously, are these girls dumber than the average lot on this show? Maybe he should bring in a dry erase board next week.

After Professor Harrison finishes his lecture about roses, the first date card goes to Nicki.

Encontremos un nuevo amor en el viejo San Juan

I would like to point out that I correctly translated this as she was reading it. Because I'm awesome. Or, more likely, I took 4 years of high school Spanish and 14 hours in college and I shouldn't have had to think what "encontremos" meant for as long as I did. But, the important this is that I translated it before Emily did. And that no one had to whisper to me what it meant. Oh, what does it mean? "Let's find a new love in old San Juan." Whoo hooo.

Emily's ability to speak Spanish (or repeat what she's told) makes Courtney mad. Because Courtney es loca. She declares that Emily is still on her (bleep) list... and "You better check yourself, (bleep)."  See, my Compton idea isn't sounding so dumb now, is it?! Oh, and did I mention Court was wearing a shirt that said Be Nice the whole time she was cursing and threatening?

Ben arrives to pick Nicki up for their date. They board a helicóptero and fly off for some sight seeing and helmet talking. They hold hands. The camera zooms in. I suppose this was done for the purpose of showing us how badly they both need a manicure. I mean, I'm currently between Shellacs and my nails look a little shoddy too, but I'm not on national TV. Nor am I twelve. Which is why my next manicure will not be lemon yellow.

Alas, they do not head immediately to a salon to address their nasty phalanges. Instead, they get snow cones. Or whatever the San Juan-ian version of snow cones is. Then it starts to pour. Ben and Nicki make a run for it. Only, they stop in a doorway, which provides no shelter from the rain that I can see. But, whatever. Let's make out!

After they finish swapping spit and rain water, Ben tells us that he likes that Nicki wasn't upset by the downpour. He find is super attractive she can roll with the punches. Super duper. He also says it was "raining gatos". Um, just gatos? No perros? I'm going to start saying that when it's a medium torrential rain. "It's raining cats."  Then, when it's a full-fledged monsoon, I'll say "...and now dogs."

Because they are soaked - or because it was pre-planned - they decide to go shopping for authentic Puerto Rican clothes. Ben says he wants a head to to white outfit to enhance his Latin swagger. Yes, he said "swagger". And "Sí, señor". Go on... hit your head against the wall. I'll wait.

Concluding they look sufficiently absurd, they head back out onto the streets. Wow. Seeing Ben dressed like a Puerto Rican pimp probably didn't help with convincing the locals they were NOT filming a porno. Because the locals really thought this show was porn. Which, as you'll see later on, is becoming harder and harder to argue with.

As luck would have it, they stumble upon a wedding. And, as luck would further have it, there is a bench directly across from the church and the doors to the church are open. This weirds Ben out ever so slightly because, as he eloquently notes, Nicki was married before. Now she's divorced. Anyway, he says he wants a big wedding. Then he says "Being engaged is very different from being married".  Read: When I dump / get dumped by the girl I choose 3 months after we film this, I can be like "What? I said being engaged was very different."  Nicki replies that she wants to live with someone before she married them... because she didn't do that before.

At dinner, the divorce talk continues. Ben wants to know what went wrong and if they tried therapy. Read: If I pick you and then realize you're a weirdo, are you going to just let me go or are you going to make me sit through sessions with a shrink?  Don't get me wrong... I think marriage counseling is a great idea if you're struggling. I just can't imagine most of the people on this show share my opinions about commitment and hard work. Nicki says yeah, they did a little therapy but it didn't matter. She had already lost trust. "You know, not over adultery or anything, just stuff."  Oh, well, in that case...

Ben seems unfazed. Mostly because it's not like he actually plans on marrying Nicki. He says she was young and obviously she learned a lot... then he gives her the rose and they kiss some more.

{VLOG} Book reviews + insanity

I've talked about my friend Savannah many times on this ol' blog. Today, however, you're in for a treat. You get to watch me impersonate her! Because that's what kind of a friend I am.

Okay, some context would probably be nice, huh? Savannah loves books. I mean LOOOOOVES books. In my whole life, I've never seen anyone get so excited about books. I mean, I like books. I read a lot. But I'm not exactly a literary scholar. I pretty much stick to Harry Potter and chick lit. In fact, the only thing that has broadened my reading horizons at all is that Savannah kidnaps me and takes me to Book Club once a month.

Then, inevitably, as we drive home from Book Club, she will tell me about the other books she's been reading. Only, in her excitement, sometimes the reviews become a little hard to follow.

Savannah... books... giant puffy heart. Got it?

Anyway, I've threatened to film myself explaining a book in Savannah fashion so she can see what she does. She kept calling my bluff and double-dog daring me stuff. So, guess what...

(For the record... I've already shown this to her and made sure it was okay if I posted it. Because I'm a weirdo, but not a jerk. She said it was fine as long as I clarified that she actually can pronounce "hallucinations" and that she is not a ditz. Which she isn't. If I portrayed ditziness, it's just my acting skills - or lack thereof. Assume any ditziness was actually excitement.)

Also, for the record... I completely made up everything in this review. If it bears any resemblance to a book you're writing or a book that's already been written, it's purely coincidence. And also, wow. What a weird book.

And, also, a little more for the record... my bangs don't actually look puffy in real life. I hope. Apparently my hair looks very 1993 today.

Okay, I swear, this is the last thing for the record... Savannah, you know I love you!!!

The Bachelor: Ben {Week 4} I'm a nice person. Don't &$%* with me.

Week 4 of Ben's snoozefest journey to find fame love. This week, we're headed to Park City, UT. Because all these girls seem so outdoorsy.

Also noteworthy this week is that my husband watched a good portion of the show. He'll deny it if you ask him, but he did. In fact, he has a second job where he sets his own hours. Normally, he works Monday nights. So, the last couple of weeks he's said he wasn't going to work Mondays. I've said "You know I'll be watching The Bachelor, right?" He's like "Yeah, that's fine."  Then, last night, I had the office chair in the living room (you know, for my insanely cool note and picture taking extravaganza). He had mentioned playing a game on the computer. I said "Oh, I can move the recliner and let you have the office chair." He said no, he thought maybe he'd just sit in the recliner and "relax" for a little bit. Yeah, relax. Okay. We'll go with that. Luckily, though, there was no need for commentary from Tristan -the inappropriate teenage boy in my head - because David pretty much said everything Tristan would have thought.

The David / Tristan comments started with the opening scene, when Ben gallivanted in on a horse. "What is he? He's not a douchenozzle, but he's something..."  I said "A tool?"  David said "Yes! He is definitely a tool!"

While Ben and his trusty steed gallop around, the girls arrive in Park City. Cheesy FlipCam videos and whoo-hooing at the hotel suite ensue. KCB tells us that Park City is the perfect place to fall in love. I don't understand this. I mean, sure, some places are more conducive to romance than others, but the only thing you should fall in love with in Park City is Park City. If you are going to fall in love with a person, it should be because of traits they possess no matter where they are located at the time. Of course, these women don't seem to have the firmest grasp on actual, healthy relationships anyway, so let's move on...

Chris Harrison greets the women to tell them the same thing he always tells them. 2 one-on-one dates, a group date, roses, blah blah, make the most of your time with Ben, blah... All I could focus on was that he had a popped collar. Bad enough in a polo shirt but he was wearing a pullover sweater. Seriously, what look is he going for? Preppy Vampire Chic?

The first one-on-one goes to Rachel. Ben describes her as "super mellow". Oh good, that word is back. Super. They take a helicopter to a river or a lake or some kind of body of water. Then they board a rickety-looking canoe with the name Jupiter painted terribly on the side. If you drive by my house on a Wednesday and see how poorly the word "Recycle" is painted on one of our trash bins, you'll have an idea of how bad the writing on the canoe was. (PS: If you drive by my house on a Wednesday and I know you, stop by and say hi. If you just happen to be reading this and drive by, stop by and say hi and let me get the correct spelling of your name for the restraining order.) Anyway - Jupiter in horrible paint. If I remember my Roman mythology correctly, the king of the gods was probably none too happy about this. I'm surprised he didn't have Neptune cause a giant wave to come topple their stupid little canoe.  Wow - so apparently that really bothered me. It's just that if you can hire somewhat famous musicians to give private concerts and charter helicopters on a whim, perhaps you could spring for a $3 set of stencils to put the name on the side of the boat. Good job, Art Department.

Anywaaaaay, the date was awkward. First, there were bugs all over the lake (maybe Neptune did that?) I live in Arkansas. I'm no stranger to bugs. But this was insane.

And there were lots more were these came from. BUGS! EVERYWHERE!! (Oh, if you don't get the speech bubble, Google "Snakes on a Plane TV edit". It's a hilarious replacement of the MF bomb.)

The date remains awkward after the bug cruise. They have a picnic. She tells Ben she likes his wink. He says "Oh, uh, I was squinting." They talk about the sun and the weather. Long silence. More silence. Then he looks across the way and says "That's a beaver dam."

Cue hysterical laughter from my husband. "This is exactly like when Ross tried to kiss his cousin, then he was convinced anything he said would be better than silence... but he was wrong."  Yep, that's pretty accurate. "That's a beaver dam" is right on par with ol' Ross...

After the picnic, they go to some sort of yurt. (It's a real thing; I'm not making that up.YURT.) Ben says "I constructed this today." Rachel says "Oh, did you?" I can't tell if she's kidding or not.

They stumble through dinner. Rachel says "It's something I struggle with, like in my past relationships. I struggle with it." Ben: "With WHAT?"  Rachel: "Communication."   Um, yeah, I'd say that is the overbiter's understatement of the century.

For whatever reason, Ben must like blathering idiots, because he gives her the rose and they head outside to a fire to make S'mores. Though, all I saw them eat were toasted marshmallows. Very different than S'mores. Don't get me started.

The Mighty Morphin Sock Monster

Yesterday, Savannah tweeted something to the effect of having put 30+ socks in the wash, but only being able come up with 4 pairs at the end. The reason, of course is the Laundry Monster.

Source

Come on, you know you have one too. How else do you explain the number of socks that go missing our of the laundry?! Because they are such elusive creatures, I'm sure there isn't a lot of reliable scientific data on just how many Laundry Monsters exist... but I'd guess they are the most common household poltergeist-type being. You might call yours a Sock Monster like I do or something else, but -whatever you call it- you have one and you hate it, right?

At our house, however, I think it's morphed into something more ominous. For one thing, all of David's socks look the same, so I don't get appropriately worked up over a missing sock. (Sock Monsters feed off of, well, socks, of course - but also off the angst we expel over a missing sock.) For another, I don't wear socks if I can help it, so we must have been underfeeding our monster. Lack of rage and lint turned him into something worse. Now, he's not content just to steal socks. He's keyed in on a few other household items he can eat... just to annoy me.

(Note: The Laundry / Sock Monster is not responsible for moving your keys. As I understand it, he can't move things... just eat them. So if your keys went missing, maybe the monster... but if they just moved from the place you are sure you left them -which also happens to me a lot- that's a different paranormal pest. Also, the Laundry / Sock Monster is who I blame when my husband's Michigan t-shirts go missing in the laundry, but that's actually me. I take them out of the dryer and hide them. Go Irish.)

Anyway, here are the other items I've noticed the Sock Monster dining on at our house:

• Ponytail holders: How many come on a pack? 24? Within a week of buying a new package, I'll only be able to find 2 or 3. How is this even possible? There are only 7 days in a week. Even if I wore my hair in a ponytail every day (which is likely) and lost the each holder, I should still have 17 left. But no... just 2 or 3. Clearly, the Sock Monster eats them. Or uses them to make sock ponytails. (You see, he eats the socks, but he's also made of socks. I just decided this.)
• Bobby pins: Let's face it, unless you are an actual beauty queen, one thing of bobby pins should pretty much last a lifetime. But no. Every time I get the idea to do something requiring bobby pins, I can only find one misshapen one in the far corner of the bathroom drawer. So, I buy another pack. And the next time I need to use them, same thing... all gone but one misshapen one. I can't figure out what the Sock Monster needs with them, but I guess it's something.
• Pens and pencils: Maybe he names the socks he steals and wants to write their name on them. I don't know. All I know is that there are never pens or pencils at my house. I buy them, but they never stick around long. Except for the weird, fat, rectangle pencil David uses when he's working in the garage.
• Tape: This one kind of makes sense. I'm sure he has to stick himself together somehow. Scotch tape is his favorite. I bought a three pack before Christmas. 2 of them are already missing. He does, however, enjoy snacking on duct tape and clear packing tape, too.
• Abreva: I guess he gets cold sores. All I know is that Abreva costs $13 for a teeny, tiny tube and you only need a teeny, tiny drop each time. Technically, one tube should expire before it ever gets fully used. Yet, every time we need it, we have to buy a new one. Sometimes, the Sock Monster even gets in my purse and steals the hidden emergency tube.
• Air mattresses: This is the one that baffles me the very most! One air mattress, sure. He's got to sleep somewhere. But 4? Because, that's right, in the 8 years I've owned a home, I've purchased at least 4 air mattresses. And it's not like we camp and they get damaged or left behind. Nope. Just need them from time to time for extra guests or if we're traveling and we are the extra guest. And every.single.time, the last one I bought is no where to be found and I have to get a new one.

I'm hoping Sock Monster is reading this and will realize the jig is up. I know it's him. Maybe I'll scare him and he'll go find a new house to annoy. Or, at the very least, lay off the Abreva and air mattresses. I can deal with replacing a roll of tape but Abreva and air mattresses are pretty pricey.

~Has the Laundry Monster at your house morphed to have a more extensive diet than just socks? If so, what do they snack on?~

The Bachelor: Ben {Week 3}... In which someone rides in on their high hearse

Week 3 of The Bachelor and we've got big news right off the bat. Are you ready for it? Okay, here it is: I LOOKED AT A MAP OF CALIFORNIA! I know, right?! (PS: My husband hates it when I say "I know, right", but I figure I can say it all I want here because he doesn't read my blog... I know, right?!) Anyway, that map. So, San Fransisco (UPDATE:  Yes, it's been pointed out to me that it's "Francisco" and I've spelled it wrong... but no, I don't care enough about California to fix it. They should really look into spelling it my way, actually.) is nowhere near where I thought it was. I guess I was confusing it with San Diego. But now the fact that it's foggy and rainy a lot makes more sense. Maybe if the opening scene of Full House had featured a map with a big star over where they lived, I would have learned this earlier. Anyway...

San Fransisco is also only about an hour from Sonoma, which makes it a little less annoying that Ben calls both places his home and says he wants to live in both places forever. But, since it's only a hour, the girls take limos back to San Fran for this week's date. Mercifully, no FlipCam videos. (Oh, and it also annoyed me how everyone kept saying "San Fran"... because, as all of us Elf fans know, "Fransisco... that's fun to say!"... but typing it is different. That's too many letters. So I'll also be going with San Fran. And hoping you'll still read it with the "-sisco" at the end.)

Before meeting up with the girls, Ben and his sister Julie have a sit-down to talk about the girls. Julie (or Mitzi, as I like to call her, given her propensity for wearing cardigans, pearls, and probably playing tennis at the country club) asks if there are any girls Mom would like (or Bitzi, as I like to call her, for the same reasons). Ben mentions Lindzi first. Then Kacie B (KCB), citing her baton twirling - because I'm sure that's something Bitzi would love. He says Emily is a science nerd and super pretty. (Yes, the super duper super overdone use of the word "super" continued this week. Super.) Jennifer is super attractive and the best kisser in the house. And, in the middle, he also mentioned Courtney. I listed it out of order, despite my OCD, because the things he said about her really need to be at the end of the paragraph, so I can conclude with "I know, right?!"  Ben says Courtney is a model and that he thinks she and Mitzi would hit it off. And that she's really mellow and drama-free. Courtney. Drama-free. I know, right?!

Back at the HOtel, Chris Harrison greets the women and tells them to make the most of any time they get with Ben. He explains the date situation for anyone who hasn't watched any of the other twenty-something seasons of the show. He leave the first date card. For Emily.

Emily says she's super excited, but nervous. She's afraid the date - which the card described as "Love lifts us up" - will involved heights. Shockingly, she's terrified of heights. I know, right?! She's afraid she might "pee my pants". Because that's sexy.

Drama-free Courtney tells the camera that, while some of these girls are well educated, she always says book smart can be a little boring. She always says that? Really? How often does this come up in conversation for her?

Ben and Emily begin their date in accordance with "Bachelor Date Rules 101" and run at each other like they are in a butter commercial. I am trying to think of a time in my adult life (20+) when I've ever been so excited to see someone that I ran at them. I can't think of one. I've missed people. I've been really glad to see them. But I've never felt like I couldn't wait the extra 12 seconds for them to walk to me. Or maybe it's just that I hate running.

Anyway, they are going to climb the Bay Bridge. (Which, yes, I know is different than the Golden Gate Bridge. The Bay Bridge isn't red. Nor is the Golden Gate Bridge golden, but that's a different matter.) Some employees of CalTrans give a speech about how "official" this is and show them how to connect their harnesses. Ben tells us it's 535 feet high and 280,000 vehicles a day travel across it. Wow. He knows that off the top of his head? Impressive! <-- Sarcasm.

Both Ben and Emily say cliche things about bridges connecting two things and relationships and blah blah blah. Ben then says relationships are about trust and diving head-first into the unknown. He lost me there. Diving and bridges seem like a pretty bad combination. But, whatever. Let's get climbing.

Emily does okay for a bit, but then freaks out. Ben's response: "Talk to me, Goose".  From the kitchen, my husband said "Did he just say 'Talk to me, Goose?' This guy's a winner. Those are some lucky ladies." To ease her fears, Ben kisses Goose. To which my husband also added "That's good. Kissing is what you should always do in an emergency."

And if that wasn't bizarre enough, guess what's going on back at the hotel room. As part of the decor, there just happens to be a telescope. And Nicki just happens to be looking through it. And she just happens to SEE THEM ON THE BRIDGE!! I know, right?! Of course, she calls all the other girls to have a look too. After all, I'm sure the Pottery Barn telescope was strong enough to zoom in on their faces and clearly identify Ben and Emily, as opposed to some CalTrans employees actually doing their job.

Much love for Sweet Love!

A few years ago, a girl I didn't know left a comment on my blog. After some stalking research, I realized that -while we didn't know each other - we knew a lot of the same people and that our lives overlapped in a number of ways. Kelli became my first ever real life friend I met on the internet.

One of the areas we had in common was cake decorating. Right off the bat, I was impressed with her skills. I mean, I knew I was pretty good. But she was really, really good. And she was generous. She taught me everything I know about fondant. And told me where to buy edible glitter.

Tomorrow, -after years of dreaming and months of (literal) blood, sweat, and tears - she opens her bakery!

If you're in the Little Rock area, make sure you stop by Sweet Love (awesome name, right?!) on Cantrell, in the same plaza as Taziki's. In addition to amazing custom cakes, she'll have a selection of other deliciousness in the case.

Whether you're local or not, visit her website or follow her on Twitter (@sweetlovebakes for all things yummy and @kellimarks because she's funny, too) or find the bakery on Facebook. One way or another, give her some encouragement and some love... some sweet love. Yeah, you know I couldn't past that up!

And now that I've said all the things you actually need to know, let's get to the important part. The part where she feeds me goodies.

Over the weekend, Kelli had a preview party to let us see the shop, sample some treats, and generally goof around.

Yum!!

I did take a break from stuffing my face to look around. The thing I wanted to see most? The mixer. The mixer has a storied past. Not only is it from the "They don't make 'em like that anymore" era, but it's been entertaining to follow the adventures the mixer has taken since it's come into Kelli's possession. Finally, it's in its new home!

And, to prove it's as sturdy as it looks, Savannah's #DestructoTot (the child capable of destroying anything in 3 seconds flat) tested it out...

I'm sure I should have taken more pictures of the actual bakery or the other guests having a good time, but I'm also sure I was occupied by my second and third and fourth trip back up to the sweets. So, finally a picture of Kelli and me...

Kelli, I'm so proud of you and wish you all the best!

The Bachelor: Ben {Week 2}

Week 2 of The Bachelor is off to a great start! Instead of having to wait until Week 4 or 5 to get cheesy FlipCam shots of the group traveling somewhere, this time we get them right off the bat. Yep! The girls are jaunting off to Sonoma to meet Ben on his own grape-infested turf.

And, since he's back home, it seems like a good time for Ben to reflect on his late father again. Ben says he has such fond memories of his father in Sonoma. He wishes his dad could meet the women. He wonders what his dad would say about all of this. I'm guessing probably something like "Keep it wrapped up, son. VD is serious." Because I like to assume all parents 50+ call it VD instead of STDs. I'm not sure why. Mine call it STDs. But still, VD seems more nostalgic, which is what Ben is being right now, so...  Anyway, eeew. Let's stop talking about VD. Back to Ben's dad. Yeah, I'm sure he's really proud. He's sitting up in Heaven right now, looking at Jesus, saying "Dude, I don't know..."

Ben cuts right to the chase when he meets up with the women and hands Kacie B. a date card. It sounds like KCB when he says it. Let's call her that. KCB says she's excited that Ben wants to take her and show her things. Ben's dad, again, shrugs his shoulders at Jesus.

Ben picks KCB up in that jalopy thing he's been driving since his promo video during the Bachelor Pad finale. I'm not a car person. I don't know what it is. It looks like an old Blazer that's also a convertible. All I know is that it's not the Ferraris and Lamborghinis the other Bachelors have cruised around in. And it looks like it has an iPod clipped to the rear view mirror. It could possibly be a camera... but I'm going with iPod. That sounds jalopy-er.

Ben and KCB pull up to a park. Ben declares "This is my home. Probably where I'm going to live for the rest of my life."  Wait. Ben lives in a park? That explains a lot actually. Especially about his hair. Maybe he meant Sonoma in general, not that particular park... but I'm going with the park. That sounds jalopy-er.

They walk around the little town square area, hug random passerbys that Ben acts like he's known his whole life, stop in a hotel lobby and molest a piano for a bit, then wander into a toy store. After looking around at all the toy shop has to offer, KCB selects a Kermit the Frog lunchbox. At first, I thought that seemed weird. But then I realized it actually makes perfect sense...

They head back out on the street. KCB suddenly tells Ben to stay there, she saw something she just had to buy. Despite having no wallet or purse on her, she just happens to appear with a baton. So either the producers set this up or she's a shoplifter. Probably a shoplifter. Because why would the producers set something like that up? I mean, what are the chances that she used to be a competitive baton twirler and will march up and down the streets like she's in a parade. Seriously. What are the chances? Um, 100%

Next Ben and KCBaton go to dinner. He talks about coming back to Sonoma because it's where he has a winery family money such fond memories of his father. KCB gushes that she could see herself in Sonoma. After all, she's Southern. It's how she was raised. To go anywhere and do anything. Uh, what part of the South is she from? Because no one leaves the part where I live. If a local kid moves from here to Little Rock, it's a big deal. Heaven forbid they move to Dallas or Nashville. That's where are all the murders and drugs are. Because of the immigrants and the Yankees who moved there. Anyway, apparently KCB is one of those rebel kids who is willing to move. She won't think she's so high-falootin' when she has to become a hooker to pay her big city rent.

Ben goes on to say that he wanted to be The Bachelor because of the paycheck and the 15 minutes of fame it worked for him once (you know, sort of) and he believes it will work again. He gives KCB the rose and kisses her. Observation: Ben says "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" a lot. Usually, they say "this journey" or "the last time I went through this process". No real thoughts on this, just something I noticed.

After dinner, Ben and KCB go into an old, empty theater. On the big screen: home movies from each of their childhoods. Ben, of course, tears up and is emotional about his father. Look, I've never lost a parent. I pray I have many decades before I experience that. I'm sure it's awful. But I'm also sure Ben is exploiting it to get chicks.

Indeed, I would make a poor Parrothead...



(source)



Central Arkansas has been abuzz for the last few days since the big entertainment venue announced an upcoming announcement. All week, different radio personalities and media outlets have been saying that Verizon Arena had a big announcement coming on Thursday... something 12 years in the making... something so cool they weren't even going to tell the radio personalities and media outlets until right before Big Announcement O'Clock.

I have to admit that I even got a little curious. Enough so that I turned on the radio while I was in the shower this morning so I could hear who it was. In case it was U2.

When it was announced that Jimmy Buffett was coming to town, I just thought "Oh, okay" and continued washing my hair (with what was possibly dog shampoo - but that's another story).

Let me be clear: I have nothing against Jimmy Buffett. If one of his songs comes on the radio, I'll probably sing along. And, when I was in Vegas, I ate an actual Cheeseburger in Paradise. Plus, I ate at Margaritaville again in Florida. But I don't remember what I had. Coconut shrimp, maybe? Not important...

Anyway, all that to say that I like Jimmy Buffett a normal amount. But, aside from an affinity for flip flops, I'm not sure we have much in common.

However, my friend, Savannah, extra super loves him. As does most everyone else in the state, if Twitter is to be believed. Savannah suggested I use my non-existent clout at the local radio station where I do my weekly Bachelor recaps to see if we could get tickets.

She was appalled when I said I'd rather throw my non-existent clout at a show I wanted to see more.

She took to Twitter, pleading her case and implying that my Northern roots might be why I make a poor Parrothead.

This, of course, got me to thinking that I should make a list of all the reasons why I make a poor Parrothead. So...

• Until an hour ago, I thought Jimmy's fans were called Buffettheads, not Parrotheads.
• Every time I've tried to type Buffett, I've typed buffet instead.
• I don't care for the beach. I mean, sure, a few hours in the sun, listening to the waves is nice. But after that, I get bored. And sweaty. And terribly sunburt. Don't get me wrong - if someone gave me an all-expense paid trip to the beach, I'd go. But I'd mostly sit under an umbrella and read. Until I got bored and sweaty.
• I don't drink alcohol. This seems like a pretty big requirement for being a Parrothead.
• I know exactly 4 Buffett songs. Two of which are the names of his restaurants. I don't find that to be coincidental. The third, Changes in Latitude, I know because I saw it on a shirt at one of his restaurants. And finally, I know Come Monday. Oh, and "It's 5:00 Somewhere" because, well, I live in Arkansas and that song got played 40 bajillion times when it first came out. Though, really, that's Alan Jackson's song.
• Finally, I don't understand the obsession older white dudes (and my husband) have with Hawaiian shirts. Okay, maybe that's not a huge factor in the Parrothead controversy, but this seemed like a good time to throw that out there.

So yeah, I'd certainly make a poor Parrothead. Nothing against those of you who are. I hope you have a great time at the show. I really do. I just won't be there with you.

Plus, you don't really want me next to you anway. I'd stick out like a sore thumb. I own seven argyle sweaters. Clearly I have no business at a Jimmy Buffet concert!

Josh Groban, on the other hand.... I'd blend right in. Let me know when he's in town, please.

The Bachelor: Ben {Week 1}

The Bachelor is back, so you know what that means... I'm back with my weekly rambling recaps and obnoxious pictures. (*pause for applause*) No applause, really? Come on, people!

Anywhoo, this is Ben Flajnik. Until last night, I thought it was "Flaj - nick", but apparently it's "Flaaa - nick". Either way, Ben...

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Ben is just your average Joe winemaker. He stands around all day in front of studio backdrops, holding wine glasses and roses. I can't imagine why he's still single. Oh, right. Because he proposed to Ashley last season and she said no. And then he went out with Jennifer Love Hewitt, but decided being the Bachelor was better than dating her, so...

After having his heart broken, Ben moved back to San Fransisco to "help with the healing process"... or, you know, be close to his winery. I guess. He said he goes to Sonoma 3 or 4 times a week. Is that by San Fransisco? I really have no idea and I'm too lazy to pull up a Google map. Basically, in my mind, all of California is either "LA" or "not LA". For example, my father-in-law grew up in California. Where, specifically? Um, LA, I think. My cousin also grew up there. Where? Not LA. That's all I've got.

Back to Ben... heart broken, blah blah blah... oh, and his dad died. He mentioned it a lot on Ashley's season and he mentioned it 6 times last night. I'm pretty sure this won't be the last time we hear about it. Plus, remember on his hometown date with Ashley when he had the really country club mom and sister? What did I call them? Bitzy and Mitzy? Something like that. Anyway, they'll definitely talk about Dad and how much he would or or would not have liked these women and Ben dragging the Flaaa-nick name through the mud.

Speaking of the women, let's get to meeting them. But not before our good buddy Chris Harrison welcomes us back and gives some speech about true love.

First, the cheesy promo videos shot before the girls arrive in LA. Or not LA. Wherever in California they film this.

There's Lindzi. She's an equestrian. She uses a lot of cliche expressions like "getting back in the saddle" and "tired of horsing around". Also, her name is spelled stupidly. It looks like linzer torte. Which is obviously what I'm going to call her. Oh, she also once got dumped via text. Or Linzer Torte typed the text herself. Notice how it's in green. Standard iPhone procedure... texts you send are in green (or blue... I think my sister's are blue) and on the right side of the screen. Received texts are in white and on the left side. So, either she typed this herself or she contacted her ex-boyfriend and photographed the text he just happened to still have. Hmmm, it's a mystery...

Then Amber. A Nebraskan tomboy who dresses in camo, shoots fake deer, and brags about eating beef nuts. And you thought Sarah Palin was bad...

Kacie says watching Ben get dumped broke her heart. Also, she walks like a man.

Courtney is a model who thinks the other girls should be intimidated by her. She also thinks she deserves at least a 2 carat engagement ring. She has this whole disinterested Kristen Stewart vibe going on. I hate her already. So she'll probably win.

There's some other chicks. A few nurses. A single mom with skunk hair. A divorced Texan, a British girl named Lyndsie who's father is a diplomat. Yes, Lyndsie. Please, everyone, spell this name weirder. Thanks.

Finally, there's Jenna. She lives in New York City and is a blogger. A blogger? What a loser. I mean, who sits around all day and just types their thoughts onto some generic website in hopes that the masses will read it and fall madly in love with their wit and charm. Get a life, people. Okay, yeah, maybe I do that from time to time, but at least I'm not a bird-napper.



Before you leave me a flurry of comments about how plastic owls keep birds and snakes and whatever else away,
I already know. I have a grandpa. He has a fake owl on his roof. Incidentally, he's cooler than Jenna.