This season, the Bachelorette finale airs on Sunday the 26th. The following night begins Bachelor Pad. I got to thinking how hard it would be to do back-to-back full recaps. Plus, I've always found Bachelor Pad a little harder to recap than Bachelor/ette. It's much more of a game show than a dating show. Add that with the fact that I have some things coming up outside the blogsphere that will take up a good amount of my time and mental wherewithal, and I knew I needed to do something different if I want to recap Bachelor Pad. And I do want to recap Bachelor Pad. So, here's what I've come up with:
STORIFY
If you're not familiar, it's a pretty cool site that lets you pull in tweets, Facebook comments, links to websites, etc into one neatly curated post. Plus, it keeps the links to each item so you don't have to spend a lot of time making sure you give proper credit. It's pretty neat. Check it out if you haven't already.
One of my favorite parts of Monday nights are the tweets sent directly to me about The Bachelor/ette. Occasionally I'll come across a good one from Chris Harrison or someone else with ties to the show, but mostly it's my own Twitter friends who keep me laughing and share my outlook on the show. Yet, a whole post full of "And then Laura said... and Sara said... and I cracked up with so-and-so said" would get tedious. But, if you could form them into a nice little timeline that could serve as your recap, that could actually be pretty cool, right? Right. At least I hope so. Because that's what I'm going to do.
The best part is that YOU get to help me. I'll be tweeting my thought during the show and I hope you'll do the same. You can either tweet to me (@audcole) or comment on my Facebook page and I'll be able to share your thoughts, too. I can't promise it will make you famous, but I do think it will be fun to have an interactive recap. I'll give more specifics in the next couple of weeks, but pretty much the only rules will be to keep it clean (as in none of the traditional cuss words) and keep it funny. Or insightful. But probably funny. It's Bachelor Pad after all. How much insight can there really be?
Below is an example of how a recap might look. I haven't played around with the site too much, but I can add some captions and fill in if anything needs some context around it. Let me know what you think... and if you foresee yourself participating. (The tweets don't have to be "live" but I'll probably start pulling the story together around 10 or 10:30 Central each Monday night. Though if anything fabulous pops up after that, I should still be able to add it.)
Now, onto last night...
Emily and the final three guys are in Curacao. If you're like me, the extent of your knowledge about Curacao is that it's a Carribbean island. I scanned Wikipedia for some quick facts but, as it turns out, I'm not that interested in Curacao. Don't get me wrong, if someone wants to give me an all-expense paid trip there, I'll gladly except. But, it looks like most of the other Carribbean islands. Bright and sandy with water around it. The only thing that jumped out at me is that it's part of the Kingdom of the Netherlands. So, Dutch. I think this gives Arie an unfair advantage and I think they other two guys should have organized some sort of protest.
Emily gives the expected talk about how beautiful it is as she walks along the beach, kicking the water. And carrying a fan. You know, those folded paper fans. Like she's from Gone with the Wind. (Which I've never actually seen, but it seems like the time period where ladies would carry little fans with them. Or was that more like Victorian England? I really don't know.)
Next she gives a quick rundown of each of the guys. I think it was mostly the same things she said last week. Sean gives her butterflies in her heart, she loves that Jef marches to his own drum, and she loves to make out with Arie and feels like he would adore her forever. She also said his usefulness makes her feel useful. Well, actually, I think she said "youthfulness" but it sounded just like "usefulness". I think her lip got caught on her veneers. (Yes, I've noticed that she does a weird teeth / lip licking thing every 12 seconds. How could you not notice that?)
Her first date is with Sean. He walks up to see her wearing v-neck t-shirt and shorts. And by "v-neck", I mean "deeeeep v-neck, halfway down his chest" and by "shorts", I mean "pink shorts".
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| Yes, I checked. J Crew carries shorts like this. They call it Hillside Poppy. See? |
They board a helicopter - oh good, more helicopters - and fly around the island. The helmet talking was worse than usual. Ugh. They land at somewhere called Klein Curacao. Throughout this whole episode, they showed the name of every tiny spot where Emily went. Given the "special thanks to the Curacao tourist bureau", I'm guessing that a condition of allowing them to film there was that they mention the name of every tiny spot where Emily went. So, Klein. Which is a private island.
Emily uses the visit with Sean's family to circle back to her favorite topic: ex-girlfriends. She said that his sister told her that he usually treats his girlfriends more like his buddies than his girlfriends. Sean says that was only one girl. He said they were together for a while and he did love her but he wasn't in love with her so he didn't do the sweet things like hold her hand and all that "boyfriend" stuff. Emily asked if they discussed marriage. He said she did but he would always change the subject. Then Emily said "Your sister said you're selective because you know how girls are and you don't want them to get attached". Sean says "That was just with that one girl. I'm crazy about you."
So basically what we learn is that Sean led some girl on for a long time, must have come to feel kind of bad about it, is now more cautious in relationships, and his sister is a blabbermouth.
Sean notes that he saw some snorkeling gear in the bag. They grab masks and, um, what do you call that spout thing you breathe through? Well, that thing. They wade out into the water and start making out. Now, I've snorkeled in the Carribbean and, I've got to say, one of us was doing it wrong. You're supposed to breathe through the spout thingy, Sean, not suck air directly from Emily's lungs.
Dinner was pretty much the same. The only added bonus was that Sean wrote Ricki a letter. Or someone with fairly neat, feminine handwriting wrote Ricki a letter. Something about not trying to replace her father but always being there for her and honoring her by loving her mother.
Somehow Emily swings the conversation around to love and proposing. Sean tells her that he views love the same as he views proposing. That once you love someone, you can't imagine you're life without them. Uh, well, true... but that's definitely not the same as proposing. I actually get where Sean is going a little bit. I think what he's trying to say is the equivalent of "I'm saving myself for marriage"... only in an emotional context and not a sexual one. The kind of love he's talking about, that all-consuming, unconditional love, would be something that - if he felt it - would be with someone he could absolutely propose to. However, I think there are different ways (levels, maybe?) of being in love. I don't think it's just a "BAM!! I'm head over heels in love. Let's get married!" but more of a natural progression until you reach a point where you can't imagine your life without someone. Of course, this line of thinking is exactly what would disqualify me from being on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. Well, that, the fact that I'm married, and that I weigh 100 pounds more than the average contestant. Anywho, this segues into Sean telling Emily that he knows without a shadow of a doubt that he's in love with her. Well, so much for saving himself for marriage...
Next, she gives him the fantasy suite card. He accepts, naturally. They make out in the hot tub. Emily tells us that every fiber of her body wants Sean to spend the night, but every fiber of her head knows she shouldn't. (Her head isn't part of her body, apparently.) Eventually she explains her position to Sean (she wants to be a good example to her daughter) and they say goodnight. Sean leaves the suite. Barefoot. He was wearing shoes when he got there, but okay. Sean tells us there's no doubt about it, he's going to marry that girl.
Oh, and one more thing... I CALLED IT!! Last week, without having read any spoilers about it, I totally guessed that they would come back to the fantasy suite, make out a while, and then the guy would leave. (Could he have come back to the suite off-camera? I suppose. But I'm choosing to believe he didn't. Because you know how the three day bed-hopping bender skeeves me out.)
Time for Jef's date. They meet up at Kalki Beach, Curacao. Jef tells us he's 100% certain he wants to be with her, just can't be 100% sure it will work out until he can propose and she can say yes. Which is actually pretty sound logic. If she sends you home, probably you won't get a chance to propose. That might lower the odds to, like, 90%.
They board a giant sailboat and talk about his family. She says she had the best time with them. He says they loved her and even told his parents how wonderful she was. He says his parents were very skeptical of "this experience" but now they are really happy for him and hope they can meet her. Next Jef asks if she thinks he would be a good parent. She says yes because he is fun, he was great with the kids at the park, and because he wants to be a parent.
Jef goes on a Jef tangent (to the camera) about how their relationship is like a painting... when you're up close, you can't see all the details but you think it's going well. Then you can step back and be like "Wow! This is a masterpiece!" or something. It was a little hard to follow. Oddly, I kind of love that about Jef. He is a weirdo. I'm a big fan of weirdos.
They paddleboard out to Klein Knip Beach, Curacao. (Seriously, every.single.location!) Jef's next Jef-ism is that the sun may be setting in Curacao but a whole life for Emily and him is just starting. Or something.
At dinner, Jef turns the tables a little and asks Emily some questions. First, where would she want to live. She says that she's open to anything but kind of loves the idea of them starting a whole new life somewhere together. (Translation: I'm fine with leaving Charlotte, but Utah? Seriously? Maybe we could pick a neutral site. Like Charlotte.) Jef says he loves the idea of a fresh start, too.
Next he says she's an amazing girl who seems to attract amazing guys, so why hasn't it worked out yet? She says none of the guys she's dated have had that unspoken... you know... and it was just never going to happen. Ah yes, the elusive "unspoken... you know..." Then she tells Jef he ignites a self-confidence in her that she hasn't felt in ages. (Translation: Under this Barbie Doll exterior is a freak flag I'd love to fly!)
Lastly, Jef asks if she thinks he would be a good fit for Ricki. She gives a very wordy answer that basically amounts to, when she was back home between Prague and hometown dates, doing ordinary life things, Jef is who she kept picturing there with her.
When she presents him with the overnight card, he tells her that he wants to spend every night with her, but he thinks there is a time and a place for that and they knowing her daughter, her family, his family, etc. will watch this, perhaps they shouldn't. She suggests that they spend some time hanging out but not spend the night.
To the camera, Emily tells us that Jef took everything she was going to say about the overnight date and said it to her. Then she added that she was a little disappointed because she kind of wanted to turn him down and instead he kind of turned her down. Ugh. Right there. That's what's wrong with a lot of relationships. Come on, Emily. Be grateful you found a guy who not only respect your beliefs but believed the same way. Don't get caught up in the head games. For one thing, no one turned anyone down. You both just acknowledged that you didn't think this would be the appropriate time to spend the night together. Yet, somehow she managed to take something I also endorse and make me roll my eyes at it. Good job, Em. They spend some time in the suite, mostly making out. Then Emily gives the ol' "It's getting late." Jef leaves and tells us it's hard to walk away but he knows they can bridle these passions until a more appropriate time.
Without getting too caught up in "Wow, these are the greatest guys!" since I don't know them at all and I only believe about 8% of what I see on reality TV, can I just say I'm a little bit proud of Jef and Sean? Neither one were very pouty about not getting an overnight date. Not that I expected them to be all "Well, forget it. She won't put out. I'm leaving." but I'm glad we didn't have to endure a bunch of "Oh, she must not really feel that strongly for me" whiny crap.
Last up, her date with Arie. They meet at yet another excited part of Curacao... Spanish Water Bay. Although my handwriting wasn't great in my notes last night and I read this three times just now wondering why I wrote "Spanish Water Boy".
They make out immediately. Board a boat. Make out some more. Then they talk about their favorite moments together. Emily points out that all those moments involve... guess what... making out. At some point, they jump in the ocean to swim with some dolphins.
Arie tells us he knows nothing about dolphins except that they are friendly. As you know, I am not an Arie fan. Now, I am even less of an Arie fan. He missed a huge opportunity here. Instead of "They are friendly" he could have said "I don't know much about dolphins, but I feel like they are trying to warn us that Earth will be destroyed soon." Because, you know, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. No? So long, and thanks for all the fish? Still, no? Oh, you people... here...
Next, they went to dinner. I can't tell you exactly what they said because my DVR lost its signal for a little bit. And I can't be mad because it meant we were getting some rain and cooler weather for the first time in MONTHS! Plus, it's Arie. I assume they talked about making out, racing, ex-girlfriends, making out, and maybe dolphins.
My DVR came back in time to show Arie talking about how good he is with kids and how he would approach being a stepfather to Ricki by letting the relationship develop slowly and just worrying first about being her friend before he tried to be a father figure.
Emily thinks this is great. In fact, she says she can tell Arie has really given a lot of thought to how to gain a child's trust. Yeah, that doesn't sound creepy. I guess if things don't work out with Emily, he can get an old van and troll playgrounds gaining children's trust.
And was anyone else distracted by how shiny Arie's face was? I mean, it looked like melted plastic dipped in Crisco. Look, I get it. It's hot and humid in the tropics. After all, I live in Arkansas. It's been 100°+ and obnoxious humidity for about 12 of the last 10 days. But, dude. Blot! Or, if you're on TV, don't be ashamed to ask for someone to dab you with a little powder. Good grief. Plus, he has no excuse for not knowing how he looks. He's wearing a watch the size of Rhode Island. Surely it's reflective enough to catch a glimpse of himself. (Side note: I do not understand this trend of huge watches on men. I asked my friend who wears one what the deal was and he said "I don't know. It's just a MAN'S watch, you know?" No, I don't. My follow up question was "How often do you even check the time on it? I never see anyone under 45 check their watch. We all look at our cell phones." To which he replied "Yeah, I just look at my phone." So, to recap, men are recreating Big Ben, strapping it to their wrists and never even using it for timekeeping. And they say we are vain and frivolous? Okay.)
As for the Fantasy Suite card, it's never even addressed (that we see) between the two of them. Emily tells us that she wants to be a role model and she just doesn't trust herself with Arie, so she's not offering him the card. "Sure," my husband said "But she'll make out with numerous guys on TV?" and that's a valid point... but, for what it's worth, if you're pretty sure you'll do something you'll regret, it's best to just avoid it entirely. I am hoping this means she actually has more long-term, commitment feelings towards someone else and does want to let her lusty thoughts about Arie overpower her and have to explain herself later.
Time for the Rose Ceremony. First, Emily greets Chris. While many of her outfits this week were not my favorite, this was the worst. A grey tank top, an odd collection of necklaces, and a skirt that looked like someone having foil highlights put in their hair. Very, very odd. Or maybe I'm just not "fashion-forward". (Example: Me, earlier today: "Please don't put my black pants in the dryer." David: "That's not helpful. You pretty much only have black pants. You're wearing a pair now. You wore a pair last night. Can you be more specific?") Anyway, outfit... boo.
She and Chris talk. He asks if she got any clarity this week. She says no. She cries that she's so worried she'll make the wrong decision, but that she just has to follow her heart. Chris leaves her in front of a big TV where she can watch videos that each of the guys made for her.
I hate the videos. I mean, is that really going to sway her? No. She's already decided. I don't care what they say about "I was standing there with the roses and still wasn't sure..." They know. The videos are just kind of cruel. And bad. Pretty much everyone quite obviously read off cue cards and just said a bunch of lovey-dovey stuff about their relationship.
Emily cries some more, knowing the person she is sending home will be blindsided. She greets the guys. In an odd turn of events, Jef is in a shirt, tie, and slacks. Arie and Sean are both a little more casual. Not that it matters, just something I found interesting.
She gives her speech about caring so much and being so sorry. She gives the first rose to Jef. Chris Harrison does not come out to tell us there is only one rose remaining, but she manages to figure it out anyway. The last rose goes to Arie.
Emily walks Sean out. He says he feels stupid because he was so sure he was going to spend forever with her. He adds "I think you should know this is gonna hurt me." Emily cries. She says something about wanting something so badly... I don't know. She was doing that talk-and-cry where it basically just sounds like chipmunk squeaking.
In the SUV, Sean says he saw her tonight and thought "That's my wife" and now he's sad and embarrassed. And, at the time, I am sure he was. Now, however, I am sure he is cleaning up with the ladies. He actually seems like a nice, reasonable guy. And, while I don't think he's the hottest man ever, he's definitely no slouch. I have a feeling those Dallas girls are all up in his business since this started airing. Nevertheless, I'm kind of bummed. I hate that Arie beat him out. I was really hoping for Jef and Sean in the finale because I think either of them would be a better choice for her temporary fiance.
Next week is the Men Tell All. It filmed last week and, if Mike Fleiss' tweets are to be believed, it got pretty heated. So, in reality, it's probably pretty lame. We'll see.
