Our adventure begins with Emily returning to her house after a few weeks away. Ricki has made her a banner that says Welcome Home and hung it from the banister. Or, considering that Ricki is 6, I'm guessing she didn't draw the neat block letters and string them all together. But if there were any Barbie or Tinkerbell stickers covering the paper, she probably did that. That's how all the children I know between the ages of 2 and 6 decorate things. Including my arms. I've left church many times covered in stickers because a cousin or niece thought I needed a butterfly on my hand or an Ariel on my elbow.
Also, while we're on the topic of children, I should mention that my nephew has been visiting for a couple of days. Of course, he was tucked into his Pack 'N Play before we started the Bachelorette, but that means my husband, sister-in-law and brother-in-law were in the living room watching with me. And we're a hilarious bunch. I'm kind of sad you couldn't be there to hear our commentary. However, our commentary sometimes overpowered the volume of the show. Since I was already subjecting them to 2 hours of this show, I tried not to rewind 100 times to catch every piece of dialogue. So, if I missed something important someone said, that's why. Not because I was bored with the episode. Again.
Where were we? Right. Emily's at home. She snuggles Ricki, puts her to bed, then looks out her blinds. I'm not sure why. Then, suddenly, she's in Chicago.
Chicago is my favorite city in America. I might have mentioned that a time or 50 before Also, I'm now just 10 days out from Gino's East. Whoo hooo!
Chris is standing near the Water Tower while Emily sneaks up behind him. She grabs him and shouts "Boo!" In his normal, motionless, non-blinking way, Chris turns around and says "You scared me". Yeah, I sensed a lot of terror in that monotone voice.
Emily tells Chris she's so glad he's planning everything this week and she doesn't have to do anything but be along for the ride. You know, as opposed to all the other weeks where she's on the phone making hotel reservations in Prague or scheduling a fishing boat in Bermuda. Not to mention coordinating international flights for herself, Ricki, and the entire remaining cast and crew. Talk about exhausting! Or, you know, Emily does none of those things and is just along for the ride every other week, too. But whatever.
As for what Chris planned, buckle up. It's riveting. They are going to a Polish restaurant. A Cubs game, you say? Nope. Polish restaurant. Touring the famous Navy Pier and then hopping on the Tall Ship Windy for a lake cruise? No. Polish restaurant. Gino's? Negative. Polish restaurant.
You see, Chris is a first-generation American. His father is Polish. Apparently his parents used to take him to restaurants like this when he was growing up. Wait, he's Polish? Is his family from the South Side? If so, does that mean he's a White Sox fan? One of my best friend's, Rose, descends from a Polish family in Calumet City (just south of the city) and she doesn't appropriately dislike the White Sox. But I love her anyway. Also, her great-grandma's last name was Piwowarczyk. Pronounced pee-vo-var-check. Rose can spell it super fast. Whenever we were around new people, I would say "Rose, spell your grandma's last name!" and people would watch in amazement. By the way, Rose now has a German (or something) last name that I always spell wrong. It's also really long. When it displays on my phone, it says "Roseann Hec..." Of course, I'm now wondering why I even have her last name in my phone. I guess so as not to be confused with the plethora of other Roseanns in my contact list.
Anyway, back to Emily and Chris. While I've been rehashing Rose's lineage, they have been rehashing last week's events, including him wanting to talk to her at the rose ceremony. So, at least we were both talking about Roses, right? Except my conversation was way more interesting.
Chris then preps Emily to meet his family. He says his dad, John, has a heavy accent but will be easy to get along with. His mom (didn't catch her name) is emotional and loving and they have an unbelievable relationship. (Cue everyone in my living room yelling "MAMA'S BOY!!") And his two sisters, Renee and Teresa, who will be tougher.
They head out to Hanover Park (a suburb west of Chicago, not south. Whew. There's still hope he's a Cubs fan). After the requisite hugging of strangers, everyone sits down at the table. Well, three sides of the table. Isn't that how your family does it? Dad makes a toast.
Before long, everyone begins their breakout sessions. Dad and Emily talk. He doesn't want his son to be heartbroken. He does think he would be there to love and support Emily and Ricki. And if she and Chris decide to make it work, "God bless 'em".
Mom and Chris talk. He tells her that he was a hot mess before the last rose ceremony. Ugh. Can we maybe retire the phrase "hot mess"? Or at least set parameters around when it can be used. For example, never by straight dudes. Mom gives Chris a pep talk in her very, very, suburban Chicago accent. She concludes by telling him to "Kick aaaaaaaz".
Emily talks to a sister while Chris talks to Dad. Dad tells Chris that Emily says she was falling in love with him. Did she? I must have missed it. Maybe because we were all repeating "Kick aaaaaaaz!!" over and over again. My accent was never as bad as his mom's, but I know it was pretty bad. It's weird to think I sounded at all like that. Now it kind of hurts my ears. And also makes me a little nostalgic. But mostly hurts my ears. And makes me laugh. My mom... and Chris'... kind of sound like pirates. It's fun. Or, you might say it kicks aaaaaaaaaaz. But don't say bolth. I mean "both". I just learned last year that I say "both" with an L, as do all Northern Illinois folks, apparently.
Chris walks Emily out. He tells her he's never said this before, but he's in love with her. He's never said that before? He's 25. I realize that doesn't automatically mean he's been in love before, but didn't almost everyone say that to their high school boy or girlfriend? Or maybe he didn't have a high school girlfriend. I don't remember. I'm sure Emily grilled him about it, but I've forgotten. My point is that I doubt this is the first time he's ever told a girl he loved her.
After what I thought was their goodbye, Chris takes her back in the house. This time to the screened in back porch. For a surprise. Any guesses?
If you said "Costumed polka band", you win. Or lose. But yeah, a costumed polka band starts playing and the crowd that somehow managed to secretly assemble while Chris was outside professing his love to Emily all begin dancing. And hopefully everyone in America began groaning.
I mean, seriously. This the whitest show on TV, yet, season after season, they manage to exploit the ancestry of the contestants. Remember the Greek dancing and shouting OPA! for DeAnna? Twice. The "let's eat poutine because I grew up near Canada" for Ashley? And, reaching way back into the vault, I'm pretty sure they did something Amish-y with Andy because he had ties to Lancaster County, PA. So why not have a Polish festival on the Bukowski back porch. (Just to be clear: Chris Bukowski, suburban polka dancer. Kick Buttowski, suburban daredevil. Not one and the same.)
The date ends somewhere in the middle of the polka party. I assume Emily fell asleep. Or maybe that was just me.
Next up, Emily heads to St. George, Utah to visit Jef and his family. She greets him just outside the gates of Holmstead Ranch. By the way, Jef's last name is Holm. Hence, Holmstead Ranch. Clever, no?
Jef tells her that this is "a few hundred acres, surrounded by a national forest" that his family owns. And by "few hundred acres", I think he means "few hundred miles".
First, they hop into some sort of ATV. I know I live in Arkansas and I should be able to tell a Rhino from a Gator from a whatever else, but I can't. This one had four seats. They all have big tires. Whatever. After bouncing around across the terrain, they arrive at a skeet shooting area.
Jef, in his usual skinny jeans, pick up a gun and starts firing at clay pigeons. I say to my living room crowd "I think I'll call this blog post 'Skeet Shooting in Skinny Jeans'." Everyone votes yes. Then Emily kind of steals my thunder and makes reference to Jef skeet shooting in skinny jeans.
Now it's Emily's turn. She lets Jef give her a lesson in how to hold the gun. Then she takes aim. She hits all the clay pigeons too. Or, that's what we saw anyway. Emily, gun, exploding pigeon, Emily. Never all in the same shot, but, you know, maybe she did hit them all. She makes a point to tell us she "may or may not have pretended" she's never held a shotgun before.
And... audible groan from my sister-in-law and me. Seriously, ladies, DO NOT DO THIS! There is nothing worse than dumbing yourself down and trying to be flirty about it. (I guess this applies to guys too, but more often it's girls who think the whole "damsel in distress" thing will be cute and get a man's attention. DO NOT DO THIS!!) Male or female, I don't think people should be show-offs or overly braggy about what they know, but if you know how to shoot a shot gun, don't act like you don't. It's possible to be ladylike without being ditzy. Be polite, be funny, be yourself. Guys will either like you or they won't. As for Jef, he might have a ranch and a shotgun, but he's not exactly Yosemite Sam. He wears skinny jeans and a pompadour. That pretty much tells me Jef is a "be who you are" type of guy. If Emily is an expert marksmen, I don't think he would be like "Oh, well, you must secretly be a dude. Let's break up." I think he would be more like "Cool." and that would be that. So, to recap, DO NOT DUMB YOURSELF DOWN! EVER. PERIOD.
After the shooting, they sit on a hay bale and talk. Jef lists of the siblings she'll be meeting to day. He then says that his parents are in South Carolina doing charity work. Italicize because it was the worst voice over I've ever heard. Nothing about the tone of his voice matched. I'm guessing he said "with the Mormon church" or "missionary work" or something and ABC decided to edit that part out. I don't really know why.
They head to another part of the ranch - a park-like area - and greet Jef's family. Emily is visibly nervous. I hope that it because she really likes Jef. Everyone shakes hands and hugs... and Jef's niece does some sort of weird dance. She really was knocking her knees together... but we all saw the screen at the same time and it looked more like she was doing something dogs do in the park, so...
Emily carried a gift in. She handed it to one of the sisters. Um, isn't it a little early to declare favorites?
I don't really feel like rehashing every conversation. It was the same generic conversations every has every season. They are all a little skeptical, all offer profound love advice, and - after 20 minutes - all declare that Guy and Girl would be perfect together. I will say that Jef's brother Steve (disappointingly not spelled Stev) had plenty of cliches in his speech but did remind Jef to make sure he and Emily want the same things and are working towards the same goals when the dust settles from this "experience".
After family time, Jef and Emily hang out on a rock. Jef says today changed his life. Then he reads Emily a note he wrote. (Once again, reading someone a note is weird. Just like singing to them or any other sort of one-on-one performance. Just give her the note to read later.) Basically, it's just lovey dovey stuff. Emily says it's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to her. Then she tells us she loves that Jef manages to be so humble but also a little bit cocky, even though that's kind of a contradiction.
With that, we're off to Scottsdale to visit Arie. Did you know Arie is a race car driver? This is the first I'm hearing of it. Or, you know, the nine millionth time. Naturally, Emily meets him on the racetrack. She gets out of her car wearing a cocktail dress. Arie zips around her in an Indy car. When he stops, they kiss. Of course. He tells her to go change because he's taking her for a ride.
"Yeah he is!" "Ha ha! RIDE!" and various other comments ensued from my peanut gallery.
She goes to change. She walks out in a racing suit, only pulled up to her waist so we could see her in a tank top carrying a helmet. Aaaaand, obligatory hair toss. Yep, straight out of Days of Thunder. Or Talledega Nights. Or an 80s power ballad video.
They take a few turns around the track. When they are finished, Arie tells her she did really well. At what? Sitting? He drove.
Next, they go to a park and talk about his family. Apparently they couldn't have done that on the infield of the track. He makes sure to mention that his dad won Indy in '90 and '97. Indy being the Indianapolis 500. I wasn't sure if he meant the whole IndyCar series or just the Indy 500. So I Wikipedia'ed his dad. Here's his page. From there, you can easily click to Arie's page. You might notice the picture of Arie Jr. looks just like Ben Flajnik or Constantine. Wow, if the Bachelor franchise wants a "look", I wouldn't suggest that. Also interesting, if you type Arie Luynedyk into your search engine, the first thing mine suggested was "Arie Luyendyk Jr. arrested". Once for driving on a suspended license and once for not having a valid registration. So, for a professional driver, he seems to have some trouble with obeying traffic laws.
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| Speech bubble courtesy of my sister-in-law |
In case you couldn't tell from his last name, Arie's family is Dutch. Arie tells us that if they say anything negative about Emily, he'll just translate it favorably. That seems like sound logic. Honesty is soooo overrated.
We meet the Luyendyks. He rattles off a lot of names. The only one I caught was Luca. Mostly because I have a dog named that. The family, led by Arie's mom, begin speaking Dutch. Emily looks positively annoyed. Can you blame her? After what seemed like a lot of Dutch, Arie tells us he decided to "put a stop to that". Or something. You can't reference anything Dutch around David and me or his sister and BIL without at least one of us launching into a recitation of Austin Powers in Goldmember. So, mostly that's what happened.
Also, Arie's parents are a bit scary looking. His dad has a mad scientist thing going on with his hair. His mom has obviously spent A LOT of time in the sun and at least a little time having her lips plumped up. As if that weren't enough, when she takes Emily aside to talk, they go and sit on a bed. As my friend Laura pointed out in a tweet, they have a huge house and the only private place they could find to talk was a bedroom? Unlikely.
Arie's mom had watched Brad's season and asked Emily why she and Brad didn't work. She says she didn't ask the right questions and they didn't have a good foundation, but that she has nothing bad to say about Brad.
Emily and Arie part ways. He tells us that today changed his life. Jef said that too. Ugh. He also says something about "Emily and I's" relationship. Then I shot the TV. Because I have held a shotgun before.
Lastly, she's off to the Dallas area to meet Sean. Want to guess where they meet? Um, a park?! YES! Sean and his dogs. As soon as Emily gets out of the car, he lets go of the dogs and they bum rush her. She handles it relatively well considering the dogs outweigh her by a good 20 pounds. Next, they pick some wildflowers. To which the Texans in my living room say "You're not supposed to do that".
Sean then go on a tangent about love and how he won't allow a woman to give herself to him unless he's ready to reciprocate and love her for all eternity. Now, of course, the men in the room giggled and such, but I am still not sure what Sean meant. Maybe he meant sexually, or maybe he just meant emotionally. Either way, supposing he means it and he's not just trying to be a wordsmith, it's not a bad idea. Basically, I took it as he wants to be clear as to the dynamic of the relationship and not let a woman get too invested in him if he doesn't feel the same way.
Sean gives the requisite talk about his parents. He says they lead a simple but wonderful life. Next, they arrive at his parents' simple house. And by "simple", I mean "really nice". Not only was it fairly large, but it was well-decorated and a big, gleaming swimming pool provided the backdrop for meeting his family. After the parents and siblings, he introduced her to his niece, Kensington, and his nephew, Smith. Kensington and Smith. Isn't that a brand of paint? Wait, no. I think that's Clark and Kensington. Which is pretty much the same. Continuing with the simple life, he shows Emily a playhouse in the backyard - Kensington Cottage - that is bigger than my first apartment. Both Emily and Sean can easily stand up and walk around in it. And it's also better decorated that my first apartment. Wow, I wish my life were as simple and wonderful as that of Sean's family.
Everyone sits down and Sean says he's really nervous about telling Emily something. Ooooh! I bet this is going to be good! Maybe Kensington is actually his daughter, not his niece. Maybe his mother is a Ewing. Or, maybe... um...
"I still live at home with my parents. It's not that I can't afford my own place, I just really like it here."
Emily politely says "Well, who wouldn't" but the look on her face says "If you're going to make me live out Failure to Launch, at least look like Matthew McConaughey."
He takes her upstairs to his "bachelor pad", which is a very messy bonus room with a bed, a couch, and all sorts of crap everywhere, including stuffed animals and embarrassing photos of Sean as a child.
Immediately my BIL says "This is a test! There's no way his mom would leave the room like that!" The camera pans around some more and zooms in on a partially eaten cookie. My SIL chimes in "Definitely fake! NO ONE takes just one bite out of a cookie and leaves it! It's a cookie!"
Emily, however, seems to believe it and says "Oh, well, uh, I can clean..."
Then he says "HA HA! Just kidding! I don't live here. We thought this would be funny."
Emily tells us that she likes that he has a sense of humor... but her face continues to tell the story and she does not appear amused.
For the family chats, I have to say that I really liked Sean's dad. He didn't seem overly caught up in the "Oh, I think they found magical forever love in 6 weeks" thing, but he did say he had opened up to him (Sean to his dad) more in the little while they were talking than he typically ever did. And when he and Sean were talking, they did seem genuinely happy to see each other. Mom tells us she's skeptical but can definitely tell there is something special between them.
With that, Emily leaves. Sean kisses her in the driveway and then her SUV drives off. He pauses, then chases her down the street. Of course he shouts "Emily!" Now, I'm not saying it was the exact same "Emily!" he shouted last week through the streets of Prague and they just recycled it this week, but I actually hope so. Yelling in your own neighborhood in broad daylight is one thing. Yelling in a deserted foreign neighborhood in the middle of the night is another. Anyway, the SUV stops and he opens her door. They do some kissing.
At some point, Sean's dad says Sean told him this was life-changing. So, 3/4 on the life changing weeks.
Finally, it's time for the Rose Ceremony. First, Emily visits with Chris Harrison and recaps her adventure. She says she really could see her life going in four different directions now. (Or, you know, three. If you watched the show, I think it was pretty obvious who continues to have the least chemistry with her. Hint: Apparently their visit wasn't life-changing.)
When she greets the guys, she tells them there wasn't an obvious choice this week. Mostly she's just being polite.
Arie and Jef immediately get roses. After all, she's kissed them the most. Chris Harrison swoops in to twist the knife that is the remaining rose. And it goes to....... Sean.
Duh.
Emily walks Chris out. She says she doesn't know what to say. He says "I told you I loved you". Yeah, well, that's kind of your fault for doing that. He gets a little edge to his voice. She says the other relationships grew faster and deeper. He says "How much faster could this possibly move?" Um, Chris, there is just no place for logic and reason on this show. Go ahead and bid her farewell and get in the limo and cry and curse.
Which he does. And makes sure to point out that he's 10 times the man all those dudes are. Well, maybe Arie. But I still like the other two.
Mostly, this scene was a chance for my SIL and me to debate his wardrobe. Black suit, white shirt, bright aqua tie. She thought the tie made his blue eyes pop. I thought he looked like a groomsman. We settled on the tie itself not being bad (bad tie of the week -of course- went to Chris Harrison for his maroon and black optical illusion look) but that the combination didn't work all that well. Perhaps if the suit had been pinstriped or the shirt had been something other than bright white, he wouldn't have looked like a jilted groom... just a regular jilted Bachelorette reject.
Next week, Curaçao. The previews seem to indicate a lot of making out whilst in swimwear. And a significant lack of sunscreen. Everyone looks to be varying shades of red. As for the overnight dates, I heard a while back that she declined that feature so as not to set a poor example for her daughter. If that's true and how it will play out, I'm not sure. If I had to guess, she and each guy will probably spend some extended time in a suite but then we'll see a shot of him leaving for the night. I'm actually fine with that. The notion of someone spending the night with three different people on three consecutive nights has always skeeved me out a bit. Granted, they make out with 3+ people every episode, but the spending the night part is different. It's the first off-camera time they have. While I suspect most only get it on with the person they already know they are choosing... or maybe both of the final two... it just irks me. And makes me hope the STD screening the participants receive before coming on the show is accurate.
So, on that disgusting thought, we'll conclude this week. As usual, my DVR cut off the outtake scene. I've set it to record 3 minutes past the official end time of the show. I don't know why it never seems to get it all. But, honestly, I've made it 8 weeks without attempting to fix it so I'm not likely to start now.
Have a great and safe 4th of July! (If you're in a state as dry as mine, please celebrate appropriately... like with water balloons or something. Resist the urge to shoot flames into the sky, please.)
