Well, we've arrived at another Tell All episode, which means the finale is only a week away. Or, in this case, 6 days. Don't forget the finale and After the Final Rose air this coming Sunday, not Monday. Monday is the first episode of Bachelor Pad. (If you didn't see my plans for last week, I'm going to do my recaps differently. Make sure to check out the plans and get involved!)
Anyway, this week. Ugh. I hate the Men Tell All episode. They never actually tell anything. Mostly the same 4 or 5 guys dominate a conversation and the rest of the guys never speak or get maybe one sentence in. In my opinion, this could be lumped in with After the Final Rose. Just bring back the "main" guys that our going to get to talk and let them have their say on AFTR rose instead of the filler crap where we hear from Ryan and Trista again. But, no. That would be too easy. Instead, we need a whole episode with a bunch of scenes we've already seen 12 times and a few staged arguments.
This season was no exception. As a result, this recap may be kind of lame. Don't blame me. Blame ABC.
Of course, it begins with Chris reminding us that the season will end in a few days with "one of the most dramatic endings ever!" Ever? Really? Because, in all the seasons I've watched, the only endings that I even remember as being dramatic were Brad's first season where he chose no one and Jason's season where he chose Melissa, then dumped her and picked Molly. Otherwise, it's pretty run of the mill. Madly in love with two people, the family split down the middle as to who is best, lots of crying, blah blah, engaged to one of them, the other is heartbroken and unsure how they will go on, gooey AFTR, and a break up a few months later. I'm going to say this season will follow that model a lot more than a Jason or a Brad twist. But, okay. Most dramatic ever. Hyperbole, FTW!
After the most dramatic introduction ever, a pre-recorded clip of Chris and Emily airs. They talk about Ryan. She says that he interrupted Girl Talk in the park and that violated the Golden Rule. Um, I thought the Golden Rule was "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you", but I guess maybe I missed the "...and don't interrupt Girl Talk as you wouldn't want it interrupted unto you".
She then says she could have dealt with his comment about not gaining weight ("I'll love ya but I won't love on ya as much") but his comments about a trophy wife did her in. Really? Because if my husband called me a trophy wife, I would find that far less offensive than if he made comments about my weight. I guess that's just me.
They talk a little more about the guys. Nothing too exciting.
Next Chris shows Emily some of the best moments that America didn't get to see. Yes, a clip within a clip. It was all very Inception. Anyway, these moments are not to be confused with the bloopers that will air later. This was Emily spilling wine on her dress, then cussing, then feeling bad she cussed about spilling wine on her dress. Also, her and Travis tucking Shelly the Egg into bed and singing Twinkle, Twinkle to it. (?!?!) Arie's brothers spying on Emily and Arie while they made out. Emily trying to teach Contestant Chris how to dance. Blah blah blah.
After the Emily segment, it's time for an extended preview of Bachelor Pad. Oh, right! THAT'S why this episode is necessary. It serves as a chance to plug the upcoming piece of the franchise as much as possible. So, let me sum up this season's Bachelor Pad for you: crying, yelling, cussing, drinking, cussing, making out, crying, hooking up, dumb contests, crying. And, of course, it is being billed as the most shocking season ever.
Time for the some witty banter between the guys. Again, in summary form...
Contestant Chris realized he was immature at times, but was freaking out because he cared so much about Emily. The guys go back and forth about maturity. Somehow this turns to Ryan. It is decided that he talked down to the guys. Kalon interjects that this is because the guys were threatened by Ryan. This leads to what a d-bag Kalon is. He said if someone had come in on the first night like he did (on a helicopter), he would have been interested in their story. He also said he was frustrated in the situation and wasn't really himself.
While we're on the subject of Kalon, it's his turn in the hot seat. Someone asks why he came on the show if he thought a child was baggage. He says he agreed to be on the show before he knew Emily was the Bachelorette. When he found out, he wanted to be optimistic and wasn't 100% sure a child was a deal breaker. Plus, he thought it would be worse to back out because she had a kid. Um, yeah, okay.
Chris then points out that he said a lot of douchey things unrelated to her having a child, like the "run along" comment during the Shakespeare date or the "I love to hear you talk but not until I'm finished" thing. He says his playfulness comes across wrong and that some things were out of context. The "run along" comment was because it was cold out and she was sick and he thought she should go inside and rest instead of watching them rehearse. Chris points out that it might have been better to say that than "run along". Kalon says he just didn't thrive in this environment. Joe (remember him? Guy who looked like the guy from The Voice) pipes up and says that's "(bleeping) ridiculous!" and everyone knows Kalon was here for the glitz and glamor.
Regarding the baggage comment, he says he's just someone who doesn't have a filter and doesn't sugar coat things. Hmm. I also don't have a filter and I don't sugar coat things. Kalon doesn't have a soul. There's a difference.
Finally, a plug for for Kalon being on Bachelor Pad.
Then it's Ryan's turn in the hot seat. Like Kalon, it mostly focuses on the absurd things he said. And also how cocky he is. He insists that he's confident, not arrogant. Arrogance is false confidence, but his confidence is in what God has made him. Or something. I was too busy wanting to punch him to really pay attention. Somehow he and Contestant Chris get into an argument. I don't remember why. His time ends with discussion of how he told a few guys he thought he and Arie would be the final two and that if she picked Arie, he would be ideal as the next Bachelor. Ryan admits he said something along those lines. Host Chris assures us that he is not the next Bachelor.
Before we finish with Ryan, did anyone else notice the shirt he was wearing in the montage they showed of him during the season? Was it a tank top? Was it a sports bra? Whatever it was, how did I miss it the first time?!
Next Host Chris and Contestant Chris chat. Chris says the same thing about 10 times... that he was really, really, really hurt because he was so happy with Emily. But now he has a renewed faith in love. Yeah, love. That's what we saw in the preview for Bachelor Pad where we saw him in bed with 3 different people. Oh, that's right, another plug for Bachelor Pad. Chris promises it will be unbelievable.
Finally, Sean. Before each guy, the clip with their main moments with Emily and then their emotional exit airs. After Sean's, we see some people in the audience wiping their eyes. Really? I admit that I've teared up over a few commercials and have openly wept more than once watching Deadliest Catch (Captain Phil's death? All things Jake Anderson? Come on... totally worthy of an ugly cry!) But The Bachelor? No. Never. Because, as sad as it was watching Sean get dumped, I feel certain he's had ladies lined up around the block to help him heal. I do not feel that bad for him.
Anyway, Sean talks about how this was his first real heartbreak and he still misses her but he sees the light at the end of the tunnel. From what I have heard, Sean in not the next Bachelor and that makes me a little bummed. But not enough to cry.
Finally, Emily is on stage. All I could focus on was that her teeth look even bigger and thicker than usual. It's like she has in one of those things they make the little girls on Toddlers and Tiaras wear when their front teeth fall out. Ugh.
Her comments were what I expected for the most part. She said she ugly cried when she watched last week's episode with Sean's exit. She said she doesn't handle awkward situations well so Doug's kiss during the break up was extra weird and she hates that all she said was "Um, uh, thanks for that". She did say that she wished she had given Doug the rose in London for having told her about Kalon.
Oh, Kalon. We're back to that. Emily says she was angry and was disappointed in herself for letting him slip through the cracks. He says he wants to apologize for the way things went down and that he's really trying to learn from it and grow in future relationships. He wishes her the best.
She says he should be a politician because that's the biggest load of (cow manure) she's ever heard. She then mentions that, just the other day, she saw a picture he posted of a baggage claim and a caption that he was surprised not to see Emily Maynard there.
He says he just doesn't take social media very seriously and it was a bad joke. She says "When everyone ripped you a new one, you said you were sorry you weren't sorry." He replies that he's flattered she follows him on Twitter.
After a little more chit chat, it's time for the bloopers. There was a lot of falling down, a lot of censor bar nudity (including Doug dropping trou for the camera and Chris going commando under his kilt), a scene from the Muppet date where Chris Harrison and Statler make jokes showing Statler asking if they would ever consider having a puppet on the show and Chris saying "Well, we had Jake Pavelka" (and, yes, me laughing), and finally Chris asking Emily what type of guys she likes and her saying "tattooed, kind of homeless looking..."
Which, on one hand, sounds ridiculous... but, on the other hand, if you'd have seen my husband yesterday when we got home from our trip to Illinois during which he did not touch a razor (and, incidentally, has some tattoos), you would understand why I can't fault her too much for this comment.
The episode ends with a long look at each of the final two guys and some of the emotional drama from the finale. Because, you know, it promises to be the most dramatic ending ever.