Anyway, Emily. She tells us that the being in Prague is like being back in the olden days. I've always found this phrase to be a little non-specific. How old? World War II? The Renaissance? The Plague? Creation? Telling me Prague looks like the olden days does nothing to actually describe Prague to me. And I'm a little bitter about that. When I was studying in Italy, some people went to Prague on one of our travel breaks. I didn't go. I don't remember exactly why but I think it was some really intelligent reason like "Prague looks like 'plaque'." Then they came back and were all "It's so beautiful..." So, if anyone wants to get me a birthday gift, a trip to Prague would suffice. (5)
Chris meets the guys and tells them they are the six guys Emily definitely sees a future with and that this is by far the most serious week. Well, actually I would think the most serious week would be the final week when it's down to 2 guys and she chooses one to say she'll marry, be engaged to for a few months, then grace the cover of every supermarket checkout lane magazine discussing their break up. Also, this week... a change up in the dates. 3 one-on-one dates and one group date. Only the group date will have a rose up for grabs. So, on the one-on-one, just relax and make sure to make the most of your time with Emily. Or whatever. Chris then tells the guys to go find their hotel. Wandering around Prague is a recurring theme this week. More on that later.
The guys get to their suite. One of them says "WHOA!!" I know it was supposed to come off as excited, but it mostly came off as "Whoa. It looks like an old lady decorated this suite..." because it did. Sean finds the card for the first one-on-one: "Arie, let's Czech out Prague together"
Oh boy, that's clever. Using "Czech" instead of "check". If I weren't already so busy working in references to my birthday (6), I would totally see how many times I could Czech up this post!
Arie goes to get ready. And shaves with an electric razor. Not that there's anything wrong with an electric razor, but if I have to watch someone get ready, there's something to be said for shirtless and shaving cream. Maybe that's just me... but it seems more manly. At least for television purposes. Basically, I have no real interest in watching people shave, but if I have to, I want to watch them shave traditionally. Like they did in the olden days.
Emily arrives at the suite carrying her Eyewitness Travel Guide to Prague. Ugh. At least spring for Frommer's or Lonely Planet. Or, my personal choice because tourists annoy me: Rick Steves. Although I suspect now even Rick Steves' spots are overrun with tourists. But, at the very least, she would be carrying around his book "Europe through the back door" and that would certainly keep Arie amused. "Back door. He he he."
Besides her choice in guide books, Emily's attire proves she is neither a true tourist or a local. But rather a, um, well, hmmm. I don't know what to call someone wearing a jacket, books, and beaded lace shorts. Oh wait, yeah I do. Seriously, lace shorts? Please do NOT get me those for my birthday. (7)
Emily says walking around Prague with Arie, she can pretend "it's my husband and I on vacation". Because apparently, for my birthday (8), Emily wants to give me an aneurysm.
Arie yells "English? English?" at a few shopkeepers. Gee, I can't imagine why Americans have a reputation throughout Europe for being obnoxious. After everyone ignores them (everyone who probably speaks fluent English but wisely realized pretending not to would make the beady eyed man and his hired lady leave sooner) Emily and Arie walk up the street, kissing the whole way. Not stopping to kiss (yet) but just a walk-and-kiss. Ugh.
Then she tells us that she knows something about Arie that he's not telling her.
They stop at a statue. Her Eyewitness Travel Guide says they are to rub the lady in the picture (wow, that sounds inappropriate) to bring love to their lives and the dog in the picture to bring loyalty. She makes Arie rub the dog a few times.
After the commercial break, we're suddenly back at the LA mansion with Chris Harrison. What the?! Chris begins a very rehearsed speech about how we may have heard about Arie's relationship with a producer on the show, Cassie Lambert. How it was several years ago and very brief, but Cassie took it upon herself to tell Emily when it became apparent that Emily had strong feelings for Arie. "We taped a sequence of Cassie telling Emily..."
Except, no they didn't. They began with Cassie adjusting Emily's microphone and then stepping out of the shot. We didn't see what she told Emily. Probably because it started with "Look, I was strictly forbidden from telling you this, but..." You caught Chris' "took it upon herself" bit, right? Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the powers that be were none to happy that Cassie spilled the beans.
Emily is upset and wonders what else Arie is hiding. He didn't even mention knowing Cassie, let alone dating her. Cassie snaps back into "Company Man" mode and says "It was so long ago that we really don't know each other anymore". Emily says she just wished he would have mentioned it. Cassie says "I'm sure it never came up."
And, +1 for Emily for saying that she had mentioned Cassie several times "Cassie is so great. Cassie is engaged to Paul. (I think that's the name she said, can't remember. Not important.) Cassie this, Cassie that." and that would have been the time for him to say "Yeah, I know her."
Emily's main point was that, had she been told upfront, she wouldn't have cared at all. "So you knew someone you thought was a good fit for me. Like being set up. Cool." but by hiding it, they made it into a thing and made Emily feel like an idiot. She goes on to say that she's upset in a real-life way, not a production way.
All in all, I don't have a lot to add to this part. I thought Emily was dead on. She obviously gets the production side of things and is aware that there is a lot of behind the scenes tweaking. She's been a "contestant" and now a lead. She's not oblivious. But that the person she spends the most time with (Cassie) and with whom she probably felt she was developing a real friendship... and that the guy who is a clear front runner... didn't even mention knowing each other bothered her. To me, that's also a bit suspicious. Especially since Cassie DID end up telling her. If Cassie really thought it was "no big deal", why mention it at all? Obviously something triggered her deciding to tell Emily. And, since Cassie came off as one of the bad guys, I doubt it was just done to perk up an otherwise incredibly dull afternoon in Prague.
Next, the remainder of Emily's date (the stuff above happened during the date in one of those scenes where Emily is away from Arie giving a few soundbites about how the date is going). She starts grilling Arie about whether or not he's completely open with her. He says he is. She says a few times that she wants a relationship with no secrets. Arie agrees and decides to confess that.....
Ugh.
I have never really understood that. On one hand, I totally get how important honesty is in a relationship. Almost every problem my husband and I have had is because one of us wasn't honest with the other or ourselves about a situation. I'm not saying either of us are pathological liars but just that there are a lot of things that we could have been more open about and avoided problems. The ol' "I'm fine" or "it doesn't matter" when really you should just say "Here's what's upsetting me..... now let's figure out how to fix it together." So, in that regard, yay honesty!! (And obviously I strongly condemn outright lying, intentionally , and hiding things because you know your significant other won't approve... but I just think it's the day to day "no big deal" stuff that ends up compounding into bigger stuff. You know, like if you dated someone that your "girlfriend" is becoming really good friends with. You should probably mention that.) On the other hand, I don't think "no secrets" means "no mystery". If my husband murdered someone, I'd want to know. But frankly, I do not care at all if he wipes his hiney back to front or front to back. I have no idea how he feels about eggplant. I don't know his blood type. (Okay, that is one "secret" I probably should ask about.) Anyway, when people say "no secrets", I always wonder if they mean that in a spirit of the law (my theory about honesty) or a letter of the law (how he wipes his butt) kind of way. Plus, some secrets are good for a time... for example, I don't yet know what my husband got me for my birthday. (9)
deceiving
Of course, Emily doesn't care about any of this. All she really cares about is one particular secret. And its name is Cassie.
Back from commercial, we are once again greeted by Chris. He says that Emily, Arie, and Cassie had a very honest conversation about this situation. Unfortunately it was off camera. Unfortunately? The only place this show doesn't have a camera is pointed directly at the toilet. Otherwise, Emily is never more than a few feet from a camera. I find it highly unlikely that this conversation wasn't caught on camera. More likely, whatever was said would have been too hard to edit together in a believable sequence that came off as flattering to The Bachelor franchise. Not to mention that Emily is their golden child so they couldn't make her too upset or too whiney. So, it "wasn't caught on camera". Then Chris says "Here's what was discussed..." Um, how does he know? Was he there too? Arie said it was so brief and so long ago that it didn't really matter. Emily then realized that her relationship with Arie wasn't affected. Read: We quickly reminded Emily that we were paying her a lot of money and that we really liked Arie, so she needed to suck it up. Then we said "But he's such a good kisser!!" and Emily decided that kissing was more important than honesty.
Back to their date, Emily tells Arie it was just a misunderstanding and she should have given him the benefit of the doubt.
If it seems like I went on and on about this, it's because I did. And because it was by far the only significant thing that happened this week. And even it ended up being insignificant. And also, I still hate Arie's face.
Oh, and at dinner, Arie tells Emily he loves her. Because if you've just hurt a girls feelings and you're afraid she'll dump you before you get in her pants, you should always say "But I love you!"
Emily says Arie telling her this was scary and changed everything but made her the happiest girl. Ugh. You know what would make me the happiest girl? If for my birthday (10), I got a mani / pedi and a massage. And also, world peace.
Moving along, Emily has a one-on-one with John. Yes, he's still here. His only contribution thus far has been showing her prayer cards in his wallet. And using the glare off his forehead to solar power things. Emily greets John in t-shirt, jacket, and pants. In case you were wondering how she felt about him. Arie gets lacy hot pants. John gets jeggings. He should have just excused himself then and caught a cab to the airport.
Instead, they look at the John Lennon wall... a tribute to music, poetry, and such that was censored during Communism. Or something. Hold on... I need to Google fact check to see if this is real... and Wikipedia says yes. Oooh, you know what would really make me the happiest birthday girl ever? (11) If I could go back in time and see a Beatles concert. I love them. Though, as a birthday consolation prize (12), feel free to send me to Vegas to see Love, the Cirque du Soleil show based on Beatles music.
They paint a little boat on the wall and write a note or something. Then they head to a fence where people write something about love on a padlock and lock it to gate, thus sealing their love. Or something. Emily whips out a giant Sharpie. (Never mind that John used a regular sized on back at the wall) She writes their initials on the lock. John tries to clip it in place. It doesn't go. Emily tells us that this is symbolic of their relationship. They can't quite connect.
They have dinner in a dungeon. The only remotely interesting part was when Emily said she wants to go deeper with John and everyone with their minds in the gutter giggled. Also, John's ex-girlfriend cheated on him. After their first anniversary, she went completely off the grid and he found out from her sister she was with "some doctor dude". They do some grandmotherly kissing and then Emily returns John to the suite.
This is one of the only times I remember seeing the guy come home after his date. Of course, it had nothing to do with John but rather was a chance for Sean to "realize Emily was still nearby" and that he "had to see her". So he "sneaks out" and "wanders around the streets of Prague" shouting "EMILY! EMILY!" until he finally finds her. Because what every girl wants is a crazed stalker following her through the deserted streets of a foreign city. Oh wait, Emily DOES want that...
They make out. A lot. They also talk about how he "snuck out". Emily asks if he's going to get in trouble. Yeah, okay. Mostly, they make out. Then the stop in a little cafe and get beers. I hope Sean at least had his wallet. Although a deportation would have been more interesting. Also, for my birthday (13), do not get me beer. Thanks.
Time for the group date with Chris, Doug, and Sean. In various clips throughout this episode, we've seen Chris back at the hotel whining. He's this season's THAT GUY who can't handle that Emily is spending time with other guys and that he hasn't had a one-on-one is so long and waaaa waaa waaaa. This date starts off no differently. Two carriage arrive to take Emily and the guys up to a castle. Chris gets stuck riding with Sean while Emily rides with Doug. Waaa waaa waaa.
My only comment here is that I've been on carriage rides before and I've seen carriages lined up to give rides in almost every major city I've visited. Nearly all of them held six people. What are the chances carriages in Prague only hold two? Well, I didn't really pay that much attention [this was after my long birthday cake decorating pause (14)] to these carriages but I'm guessing all four of them could have fit in one. But what fun would that be? Listening to Chris whine is more fun. Geesh. Even my barely-three year old niece knows that whiners are wieners. (I have no idea who taught her that. I wasn't me. Except that it totally was.)
After wandering the castle a bit (or, if the outtake at the end is to be believed, playing hide and seek) Emily pulls Doug aside to talk. While they are talking, he bumps her leg. Then apologizes. Emily grimaces. I assume she's thinking what I'm thinking: How did this guy ever create a child if he can't even bump a girl's leg without apologizing? I mean, seriously, Doug. You bumped her leg. You didn't hump her leg. [Terrible idea for a birthday present, by the way. (15)] No apology is really necessary. As I've said before, I do kind of like Doug. I appreciate that he's not mauling Emily like the rest of the guys, but he's too timid for real life, let alone high drama reality television.
Emily apparently agrees with me. As they walk through the courtyard, she tells Doug that she's been waiting for something to happen. He tells the camera that he keeps hoping she'll give him the "Hey big dummy, give me a kiss" eyes. I'm not sure what those eyes look like. Nor do I have any desire to find out. She continues talking about not minding that he's slower with the "physical connection" but that maybe he's too slow. The whole speech has a very ominous tone. Unless you're Doug. Who takes that moment to lean in and give her a quick peck. Oh, Doug. Doug, Doug, Doug.
She tells him that he is a gentleman almost to a fault. Then she says she has too much respect for him and his son to come to his hometown and meet Austin when she knows it's not going anywhere. She says she should walk him out. He says he feels like an idiot for giving her that kiss. I think we can all agree that it was idiotic.
He cries in the car. Not surprising.
Now Emily is left with an awkward two-on-one with the guy she wants to make out with and Chris. Awesome. She shows the guys two keys on the table and tells them whichever key opens this little cave thing gets to go have alone time first. Naturally, it's Sean's key. Naturally, Chris is not jazzed about this.
When he does get time with her, he grills her about why he hasn't had a one-on-one and says he's a little upset.
Needless to say, she gives the group date rose to Sean. Anyone want to guess what Chris does?
Lastly, her one-on-one with Jef. The date card encouraged Jef to tug at her
She and Jef wander into a marionette shop. The shop guy demonstrates a moonwalking Michael Jackson marionette. While it's true dolls creep me out, [so mark that off your gift list (17)] that was kind of cool. Jef and Emily "buy" marionettes that supposedly look a little like them. Emily's is a princess. Jef's has a weird moustache. They leave the shop but Jef scurries back in and "buys" a little girl marionette. Of course, Emily is touched that Jef thought of Ricki.
Next, they wander into a library. That just happens to be empty. While we're on the subject of honesty, would anyone really object to them just saying "This is the such and such library. We rented it out for the day"? It's not like we're under the delusion that this is a low-budget show. And also, how much can renting out a library in Prague really cost? It's not like they rented out DisneyWorld. [Ooooh, another great gift idea. If you can only choose one park, pick EPCOT please. (18)]
They decide to reenact their relationship using their marionettes. Yes, it was as awkward and disturbing as it sounds. Except for Jef. He said "Since we have these puppets, it somehow makes it easier to express some big feelings." Oh. My. Goodness. Dude, if you need to express your feelings via puppet, I just don't know... I mean, I was pulling for Jef but now I'm not so sure. I'm suddenly a little worried for Ricki's safety.
And saying "I'm a million percent in love with you"? I'm still not sure if that was Jef as Jef saying that to Emily as Emily or if it was limited just to Puppet Jef and Puppet Emily. But, honestly, I'd rather not give it too much thought.
They sprawl a blanket out on the floor. Good thing they had a blanket handy since they just happened to wander into the library. Or, perhaps that was one of the library's conditions. "Ya, okay, you can film zee veird American show here but plez do not get bodily fluiz on zee floor." (Read in a Czech accent).
They make out some. Then they talk about hometown dates. Jef says his parents won't be there because they are committed to something in South Carolina for a few years but some of his siblings will. (Though he doesn't say it, they are mission presidents for the Mormon Church. Jef says he is still active in church, but not the Mormon faith. And, by the way, I don't point that out for any particular reason other than I figured people were wondering what his parents were committed to that they couldn't get away. And then I figured the next question would be "So is Jef Mormon? If they get married, would Emily have to become Mormon?" So there, now you don't have to ask.)
Next, Jef asks what she thinks about living together before they are married. She says she's actually not too keen on it. She thinks if you move in together and things get hard, you can just leave but that's not the kind of relationship she wants. She wants the commitment of marriage and knowing that you need to work through the things that aren't fun and not just move out. Jef says that's exactly how he feels too. And now I'm back to liking Jef and Emily together the best. I thought that was a pretty level-headed thing for her to say, especially in light of the fact that she has a young daughter. I know people have pretty strong opinions on either side of the issue, but I'm a "not live together first" kind of person so I liked this part. But if Emily picks one of the other guys (or even Jef) and changes her mind and they move in together, that's not any of my business.
Then Jef asks how soon after getting married she would want kids. She answers honestly with "Yesterday". I think that's pretty apparent by now.
Finally, Jef leans over and whispers "I want to date you so hard and marry the (bleep) out of you". Which sounds kind of crude, except it made me laugh. Not because it was clever but because it must mean that Jef spends a lot of time on Pinterest. Seriously, it's been repinned about 10 billion times. Want to see what I mean? Click here... but be aware it says something other than (bleep).
Also, I was laughing because of another thing on Pinterest. The whole time they were in the library, all I could think of was the pin with Beast (of Beauty and the) trying to make Belle happy by saying "I'll get her a library. (Bleeps) love libraries." It's true. Well, I'm not a (bleep) (which, by the way, is a different bleep than in the last paragraph. Pinterest has a potty mouth sometimes.) but I would love a library. Maybe for, oh, I don't know... my birthday. (19)
The next day, the guys sit around waiting for the cocktail party. This week has featured a lot of scenes of the guys sitting around. And each time they are discussing their feelings. Look, I wasn't born yesterday... because, obviously, I was born on this day 33 years ago (20), so I know that guys don't sit around discussing their feelings. At least not ones who aren't participating in some sort of court ordered group therapy. Maybe a quick "How are things going with that girl?" or whatever, but not conversation after conversation about their perspective on their relationship and the relationship everyone else has with Emily. I know they can't watch TV or anything so they can't discuss current sports, but that just means they would discuss past sports. "No, dude, the best play ever was when Scottie Pippen had that sweet assist to Michael Jordan in the championship game..." "I beg to differ. That time when Jose Canseco hit that ball really far..." (As I've mentioned before, I am a sports fan, but I'm not a sports fact memorizer... so I'm just making up things here, but you get the point.) Also things they might have discussed? Which Jessica is hotter: Beal or Alba? Or "Who can fart the loudest?" Or "Hey, watch this" followed by a loud thud and/or breaking glass. But feelings? Unlikely.
Emily, once again, has requested to speak with Chris Harrison. I like how Chris assumes the role of Supreme Commander of the The Bachelorette when, in fact, his only responsibilities are to count roses and explain dates. Oh, and provide faux-counseling. Anything else Emily wants to probably has to be vetted by a team of producers and executives. Or was already suggested to her by them. It's not like Chris just looks at Mike Fleiss, the executive producer, and says "Nope. We're not doing it that way. Emily wants to do it this other way." More like Emily has already talked to 40 other people and then someone tells Chris, "Hey, go in there and act surprised when she says she doesn't need a cocktail party tonight." Because that's what Emily said. She already knew what decision she was going to make and putting someone through a cocktail party was unfair.
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| Thanks to PThurm for making me laugh with the "blue aluminum foil" tweet. |
Chris goes to tell the guys this. Of course Contestant Chris freaks out some more. Now he'll never get a chance to apologize for his douchey behavior the other night. Meanwhile, John is stoked. Now Chris will never get a chance to apologize for his douchey behavior the other night. Waaa haaa haa. He even says "Game over. The rose is mine." to the camera. Want a sure fire way to tell who's going home? It's the guy who looks directly at the camera (or at someone else) and says "I am 100% sure I am not going home." We see this same logic on dates. "I hope the date has nothing to do with earthworms. I'm terrified of earthworms." Yep, pretty much guarantees you an earthworm festival on your date.
Do I even need to go through my usual psychic glimpse into Emily's mind as she hands out roses? I think it's pretty obvious that Sean, Jef, and Arie are her top choices. Sean already has a rose. She gives Jef and Arie roses next.
Chris Harrison swoops in to say there is just one rose left. [Which reminds me, roses are not my favorite but an acceptable birthday gift. Lillies, tulips, or just a nice summery mix would be fine. (21)]
Contestant Chris interrupts and says he would like a moment to speak with Emily. She agrees and they walk off together. He aplogizes and says he should have been more respectful the other day and that he's ready to be the man she and Ricki deserve... because he's falling in love with her.
They return to the group and Emily gives Chris the final rose. Hey John, maybe don't take up gambling, okay? So much for 100% sure.
John takes his departure pretty well. He says he's hurt but you can't force something you don't see. I don't know if he cried or not. I was busy swiping icing out of the mixer and not adding it to may calorie tracker. Because birthday calories don't count. (22).
Next week, hometowns. At this point, should I say I am 100% sure Chris goes home? Or would that mean he stays and I should say I am 100% sure he stays so that it will result in him going home? Either way, I can't see any scenario in which Chris stays. If it had been an option, I think she would have only take 3 guys to hometowns, but that probably would have messed too much with their filming schedule. Or maybe she didn't ask Chris Harrison, Supreme Commander of the The Bachelorette, in time. Either way, Chris is filler. They don't have nearly the chemistry she has with the other guys. I'd bet my birthday cake (23) that he goes home next week. But, I hope we get some good Chicago-y shots in the meantime. Maybe we'll run into Frank or Ed or any of the previous hometownies from the area.
I'm not sure though. There wasn't much in the way of previews. Just another one of those misty montages. Ooooh, oooh! That's what I want for my birthday! (24) To never see another misty montage on this show again. Anyway, there was a quick glimpse of each date and a lot of Emily crying about how hard this is. Or maybe she stubbed her toe. Because the choice itself can't be that hard. So long, Chris.
And, there you have it. This week's recap. It appears I've fallen short of my goal to mention my birthday (25) 33 times... so now I'm forced to decide if I want to say "birthday" (26) several more times or just stay 26. Hmmm...
26 was actually not a great year for me. So, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday!!! (33)
