More things I just can't... Chris' attire this week. Apparently we've hit the point in the season where he starts dressing like a complete tool instead of just a partial one. I mean, why?! This gives new meaning to the Grapes of Wrath.
Meanwhile, Emily and Ricki are already in Bermuda. She has written "Mommy loves Ricki" in the sand. Of course, she tells us how beautiful the place is and that it has "Emily" written all over. Well, sort of. Actually, it has "Mommy" written all over it, but whatever. She also tells us that she'd like to come back here for a family vacation with Ricki and her husband, maybe she'd be pregnant and pushing a baby stroller. I assume the baby stroller has another small child in it, not that she's pushing it in anticipation of delivering the baby she's apparently carrying, but you never know. Whatever the case, this woman has a fever and the only prescription is more babies.
The guys arrive on the island and ride up to the hotel on Mopeds. Disappointingly, they each had their own scooter. No Harry and Lloyd moments. Except maybe the part when Travis sang "Bermuda. Bermuda. Bermuda" to the tune of The Beach Boys' Kokomo. Um, that's "Bermuda. Bahamas. Come on, pretty mama" but yeah, okay. Let's not try to reason with the man who carried an egg around for three episodes.
After oohing and aahing at how awesome their suite is, the first date card arrives. It's for Doug and says "Let our senses lead the way". Doug then says "So if I don't get a rose, I go home, right? I'd forgotten about that whole little, like..." Like what, Doug? Like how your application to MENSA was rejected? Of course you go home if you don't get a rose. And I don't think for a second that you forgot. It's kind of the most basic principle of The Bachelor. No rose, no stay. Ugh.
The guys give Doug a hard time about being nervous. Klassy Kalon tells us that he hopes Doug goes home so the football team can be disbanded and the bromance can be done. I mean, I have no doubt there's a football team-like bromance afoot, but Kalon pointing it out just makes it sound like he's jealous none of the dudes are interested in him bromatically. Forget the football team, Kalon. Michael is wearing another headband (this time it's blue) so maybe your his type.
Doug becomes increasingly frustrated by the guys teasing him. The 'roid rage kicks in. He drops 4 F Bombs, mostly directed at Arie. I guess Arie is used to having a fast car to speed away after he makes fun of dudes twice his size. Luckily for Arie, Emily arrives to pick Doug up. With Doug safely out of earshot, Arie tells us Doug is like the Hulk. "Doug angry! Doug smash! Doug sad..." Okay, I admit it. I laughed. But I pretty much laugh whenever someone Hulk mocks someone else.
For their date, Emily and Doug are going to wander around the city. Because she thinks that's what families do on family vacations. Most family vacations I've taken have involved walking around Disney World until my sister puked from being out in the sun too much- then going back to the hotel, where I slept on the floor because I didn't want to share a bed with the Puking Princess - who is the worst sleeper ever and kicks and thrashes and actually ends up on top of you in the middle of the night. So, wandering around a city doesn't sound like the worst idea, but it doesn't really scream "family vacation" to me. But Doug is stoked, so that's good.
They do some shopping, make some perfume, and then walk through the Moongate. Apparently if you walk through it holding hands, you'll have good fortune. That much is true - I Googled it. But the "make a wish" part Emily tells Doug is just for kicks.
They sit and chat. They write a postcard to Doug's son. He tells her that his son didn't believe that one person could really make a difference in the world, so he (Doug) started a charity to show him it was possible. Emily replies "Of course you did". This leads into a conversation about Doug seeming to perfect. Doug insists that he has bad days and even gives a brief overview of "getting grumpy" with the guys just before she arrived. The theme of Doug's perfection carries over to dinner.
Emily tells us that she feels like he is hiding something because he always has the perfect answer... and that it reminds her of Brad. To everyone who asks why a beautiful woman like Emily is still single, I think we have our answer. Okay, I don't know Doug. He comes across as likable and genuine. He might actually be a giant wank. I don't know. But if you automatically assume that every guy is a giant wank even when they are presenting themselves as likable and genuine, you're probably not going to "find love". Don't get me wrong, I am all for remaining objective while you're getting to know someone and not getting so lovedrunk that you miss obvious red flags... but I'm also a believer in self-fulfilling prophesy. If you assume every guy you meet is hiding something and trying to come off as too perfect, guess what?
She asks Doug what his ex would say his biggest flaw was. He says "That I spent too much time with my son." She says "See. Even that is a 'perfect answer'." He says "She also didn't think I washed her car enough." Emily says she just doesn't think he's for real. He says "Okay then. What are your faults?"
"I'm sensitive. Stubborn. I don't work out."
"Those aren't faults."
"Some days I go out in public in my pajamas."
"Sign me up."
Basically, Doug came off looking like a level-headed guy and Emily came off kind of whiny. I'm not saying I'm Team Doug, just that he seems like an okay guy and she should give him a break. She realizes this and says she understand now that she put him on the spot. He follows up with a pretty good answer:
"I'm not a genius but I'm not a dummy. I'm not wealthy but I'm not poor. I'm just a regular guy."
She gives him the rose. He doesn't give her a kiss. He tells us that his grandpa always told him that you should only kiss a woman if she makes it clear she wants you to. So he never makes the first move. Therefore, he hasn't kissed a women in months and months.
"If Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she'll have to let Doug know she wants a kiss."
Aaaaand... FLAW!! Talk about himself in third person.
(The not making the first move stuff is kind of a flaw, too. I appreciate that he doesn't mouth rape every woman he meets. But, come one dude, sometimes you just have to go for it. Not for mouth rape, but for an appropriate kiss. If she doesn't want it, she'll pull back. Then you can tuck your tail between your legs and go home.)
Next up, the group date. Again, still too many guys to keep up with. 6 or 8 of them went on the date. 8, I think. But maybe 6. No, it was 8. Probably.
They arrive at a yacht club. Klassy Kalon says he's ready to hit the high seas with Emily because this is his element. The high seas are his element? Is he some sort of overdressed pirate? I don't understand. Owning a yacht might be his element, but I am sure he has never done any of the actual labor required by the high seas. So no, this is not his element. Because the guys are going to be participating in a sailing race.
Emily is a little nervous because she the most ocean experience these guys have is a booze cruise. BaDumChee! (Seriously, how do you type a rim shot sound?)
Only the winning team will get to spend the rest of the evening with Emily. Sean says he's excited. He played D1 college football so he knows what it's like to be serious and competitive.
Emily says she hates to watch guys compete but she wants to have a smaller group to spend time with this evening. And also, I think she likes to watch guys compete. Isn't she quite the NASCAR enthusiast? I hear that's kind of competitive.
Anyway, the race begins. The guys huff and puff and shout out the word "Tack" a few times to make it sound like they know all about sailing. In reality, each team has a proper sailor at the helm. Thank goodness.
Arie uses some fancy terms like "up and under move" and "cut behind". You know, because he's a race car driver and all. The yellow team wins. The red team pouts. Emily says she wants to spend time with the yellow team so she's glad they won but she's also sad the red team lost because she wanted to spend time with them equally as much. Translation: "I don't really give a crap who wins."
On the way home, the red team continued pouting. Charlie cried. Yes, cried. But, most notably, Chris blinked. It's the first time all season. I'm not even kidding. The guy never blinks. Last week in Chris Harrison's blog and Emily's blog, they both mentioned that Alessandro said someone in the house was a vampire. My money is on Chris. I've read Twilight. I know they have to really make themselves do normal human things like breathe and blink. His lack of blinking, not moving his mouth when he speaks, or generally having any facial expressions makes Chris the obvious choice for House Vampire.
At the after party, Ryan tries for a play on words to the effect of they won, they should get a trophy, etc. and makes a toast to Emily, future trophy wife. She looks less than thrilled.
As she seems to do a lot when she's less than thrilled, she pulls Arie aside. They talk a bit and then kiss a lot. Ugh. Arie. Again, I don't hate him like I hated Courtney last season, but I just don't like him at all. And I don't like that Emily seems to like him a lot. Maybe I'm getting too old and have been married too long because I keep hearing people say he's hot. I don't see it. He has tiny little eyes, like a snake. And weird hair. He's not ugly, per se. But hot? Not so much. He's one of those people that I just inexplicably want to punch.
She talks to Ryan. I explicably want to punch him. At times I think she does too. At other times I think she gets caught up in his apparent handsome buffness. Again, I don't see it. She must be really into weird hair. I mean, the dude competed in a sailboat race (I use "competed" and "race" loosely) and his hair didn't even move. That's not okay. Not to mention everything he says sounds like he's either reading it from Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smally or from The Complete Idiot's Guide to Being a Complete Idiot.
He begins by telling her that the enemy of great is good. Since this sounds exactly like something you'd read posted in a locker room, it's not surprising that Ryan heard this from his coach. She actually calls him on the BS that comes out of his mouth and cites "If you ain't cheatin', you ain't tryin'", "I'll love ya but won't love on ya", and "Best be gettin' your butt in the gym" as examples. (Yes, she kicked up the Southern accent.)
He insists those were said flirtatiously, but that she has been in the gym and he likes her gym butt. She says "And what if I can't get to the gym because I'm busy chasing your children around?" He goes on about how they'd have some pretty kids. She calls him on dodging the question. He says "God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman."
I just can't...
As if that weren't enough, he tells her that to whom much is given, much is required. (Luke 12:48. Not to be confused with "With great power comes great responsibility" -Spiderman's Uncle Ben.)
Next up, he says he prayed for her going into this process and hopes that she will use this position to be a positive influence and demonstrate how to hold oneself to a higher standard. Which, naturally, he points out that she wasn't doing by making out with Arie where they could all see. She apologizes for "throwing it in their faces" and then tells the camera that she felt like Ryan was kind of judging her.
Um, that's because he was. You know, I didn't watch the show GCB during it's brief run. It looks a little corny and, yes, I didn't care much for the title. But the notion of Good Christian B*#$%es sometimes isn't far off. Ryan is one. The kind of person who uses God as a crutch to validate whatever sort of judgmental, bad behavior they wish to engage in or make others feel like crap for engaging in. Don't get me wrong. I am a Christian. Sure, I write this blog where I make a lot of fun of people. But it's because they put themselves in a completely optional situation and act like absolute tools just so they can be on TV. I assure you that if anyone from this show came to me and wanted to actually talk about what I believe or how I think people should act, we could have a sincere, honest conversation. I don't get that impression of Ryan. I don't think Jesus is a big fan of telling a woman she needs to get to the gym. Bottom line: She needs to ditch Ryan.
She also talks with Jef. They sit on the beach. I can't help but notice the wind is blowing one side of his pompadour straight up. It's kind of Flock of Seagulls. Also, Jef says "like" a lot. Here's a snippet of their conversation: "Like, I, like, like, really like who you are. I really like you, like, want to be with you, and it's, like, the best best vibe."
Emily, like, likes him, too. And she's a little, like, disappointed that he didn't, like, try to, like, kiss her. Apparently he and, like, Doug, are both, like, gun shy.
At the end of the night, Emily, like, gives the rose to, like, Jef. Then everyone watches a fireworks display.
Finally, it's time for the two-on-one date with John and Nate - both of whom we've barely heard from this season. Believe it or not, there was no card that said "Two guys, one rose. One stays, one goes." Maybe they are saving that for later in the season. Or maybe they didn't want anything to overshadow their other fantastic pun. "Let's explore this Bermuda love triangle."
Wow. That's clever. Because the Bermuda Triangle is a real thing. And two guys interesting in the same girl is called a love triangle. Bermuda love triangle. I get it! It's like the Before and After category on Wheel of Fortune. "I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat. 'This show is lame duck Congress'." PS: Do you kind of love it when a contestant doesn't get the point and repeats the word? "Wheel of Fortune, fortune cookie". No, I'm sorry, that's wrong! Hmm, maybe I am a GCB. I do laugh when people get answers wrong on Wheel of Fortune. But I don't laugh when they hit Bankrupt, so that counts for something, right?
Oh, by the way, that little tangent I just went on about Wheel of Fortune was at least 40 times more interesting than this two-on-one date. They get on a yacht, jump off a cliff (one time that we see), get back on the yacht, then have dinner in some caverns. The caverns were actually cool. The way they sat at the table was not.
Nate makes him only real contribution to the season by inspecting their plates and saying "Is that key-no-ah? It is key-no-ah. Do you guys like key-no-ah?" Okay, you know a date is going nowhere when you start discussing grains. Even worse when you don't pronounce the grain correctly. It's quinoa... keeen-wah. If you're wondering, it tastes a little nutty. Kind of like rice but not really.
Emily pulls Key-No-Ah aside. Right off the bat, I notice he's wearing loafers and no socks. Ugh. He tells her that he hasn't really done much to stand out to her. (Or nothing, really. Except mispronounce dinner.) Then he tells her how happy he is to be here, how he wants two or three kids, how he has the best family in the world... and then he starts to cry. For real. She reaches for the ice bucket placed at the spot where they "just happened" to stop and chat and begins drinking.
Next she spends some time with John. They sit at a bench. With another ice bucket. He says he's not a "Hey! Hey! Look at me!" type of guy. Then he wins some brownie points by saying he's glad he's on the two-on-one because if there's not a connection between them, he'd rather they find out than just let him float in the middle of the pack for a while.
Everyone regroups and Emily tells Nate she wouldn't be honest if she said she saw them together. She gives John the rose. Then she tells us that Nate is young and doesn't have a lot of life experience.
Ironically, this same topic came up back at the hotel when the guys were debating who would come back. Based on his age, they also guessed Nate was a goner. Doug said how there is such a difference in a man at 21, 25, 30, 35. Chris quickly says he disagrees. Ryan adds "Because you're 25". They hash it out some more about age. This theme will continue into the Cocktail Party and, I'm afraid, the rest of the season. Emily likes older guys. We get it. They get it. Let's move on.
Speaking of the Cocktail Party, Emily stops by to check on Ricki before she goes. Ricki is doing some homework. Thank goodness she appears to have a tutor. Sure, it's probably a staffer they said "Sit here so we can get you in one shot and make it look like Ricki has a tutor so Child Services doesn't come after us..." but, let's hope it's a legit tutor.
Also, for whatever reason, Emily is wearing a little less makeup. Or, at least, it's applied in a more natural way. She actually looks a little like Jessica Simpson. Or, at least, she did when I saw it on TV. When I did a side by side picture of the two of them, maybe not quite so much.
At the Cocktail Party, she has a completely forgettable conversation with Alejandro. Next, she talks to Ryan again. He says God has blessed him and that he's romantic, athletic, and charming. I'm not sure if God facepalms, but if ever he were going to, it would be at that.
The guys convince Arie to go bust in on Ryan. So he does. But not before making me totally mourn for humanity. I mean, seriously guys, this is how you want to look at the Cocktail Party?
As I tweeted last night, if the choices are a beady eyed guy, a guy wearing shorts and knee socks, and a guy who is some sort of fancy hipster, just stay single. Honestly. Once again, I just can't...
Okay, maybe I can a little. But only to say that almost everyone is wearing loafers and no socks. The one guy wearing socks is wearing freaking knee socks. The only time a grown man should ever wear knee socks is if he is also wearing a kilt. And the only reason it's okay then is because he'll also have a small knife tucked at the top of the sock. As a rule of thumb, you should never make fun of a man who wears a skirt and a knife. Didn't you watch Braveheart?
Emily and Arie have another chat. But not before he tells us he knows people are threatened by "Emily and I's" relationship. AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Good thing I don't have a kilt knife. Or the ability to kick Arie in the junk through the TV.
Ryan, meanwhile, is sitting by the fire talking to Michael. See, I told you Michael was available for bromancing. I will say that the conversation sounded very pieced together and we didn't see Ryan's face for a lot of it, so take it for what it's worth. But, if what he said is to be believed, Ryan doesn't care if he wins or loses Emily as long as he has a shot at being the next Bachelor. Again, where is my kilt knife?
Emily and Sean talk. It's pretty normal. I don't hate Sean.
Then Chris and Emily talk. He tells her that he shouldn't believe anyone who says he's too young or not ready for a wife and child... and that he stood up to the person who said it to him.
After they talk, he feels the need to stand up again (or for the first time, depending on if the order of events was shown differently than it happened) and pulls Doug aside. He asks why Doug is making a big deal about his age and why he thinks he is a better man than Chris. Doug says "Well, I think coming at me like this is kind of immature..." Chris says "I'm not going to stand down to you". Again, if he had a kilt, he could have made this work. "THEY MAY TAKE OUR LAND BUT THEY CAN'T TAKE OUR...... FREEDOM!!!"
Instead, Doug says he thinks Chris is insecure and Chris says he doesn't believe Doug's over the top humble act. Doug really is a bit of an enigma. I may have to do some more digging on him. I want to like him but I'm letting Emily and Chris sway me with their belief that he is "too perfect". Obviously no one who comes on this show is too perfect, but he does seem oddly normal with fairly well-controlled bouts of rage.
Because Chris Harrison hasn't done much at all this season, he swoops in and takes Emily away for an impromptu therapy session. Based on what Wikipedia says, Chris attended Oklahoma City University on a soccer scholarship. It doesn't list his major. Maybe it really was psychology. That would explain a lot. Of the hundred or so people I know who majored in psychology, exactly two of them actually work in that field. They also went on to earn advanced degrees and pass licensing exams. I'm going to say the same is not true of Chris. Also, I'm going to say that Emily actually doesn't come off ditzy during this segment. She tells Chris she knows there are guys here who think they have her fooled but she's not. She specifically lists Ryan and states that she's beginning to see that he's a great manipulator. Of course (*spoiler alert*), she's about 10 minutes away from giving him a rose, but that's beside the point...
After her session with Dr. Harrison is up, she stands in front of the pictures of the guys (ugh) then proceeds to the Rose Ceremony.
Doug, Jef, and John already have roses.
Sean: You didn't say "these last 28 years" at all this week. I'd like to reward you with a rose.
Arie: At least when we're making out, my eyes are closed and I can't see your scrunchy face.
Travis: I'm going to need someone to vote out next week...
Chris: This faux drama with you and Doug is working for the producers, so...
Ryan: I'm just curious how many more times you can talk about God and my butt in the same sentence.
Kalon: I feel like you need to do something crazy obnoxious next week...
Chris Harrison: "This is the final rose tonight. Hey, maybe I majored in math. I'm pretty good at counting."
Alejandro: See also - Travis
With that, Michael and Charlie are sent home. Michael says he's disappointed and that he's never been in love before but would really like to. Pro tip: Then cut your hair. Charlie says it sucks. Then he cries.
Next week, they are off to London. YAY! Between my ongoing imaginary love affair with Prince Harry, all the stuff about the Queen's Jubilee, and Downton Abbey withdrawals, I'm really on a British kick lately.
It looks like Sean and Jef get one-on-one dates and that the group date involves some sort of Shakespearean reenactment. Oh, goodie. It also looks like the big dramatic blow up we saw in the first week's previews. Someone says Ricki is baggage. They guys tell Emily. She says she'd like to rip his limbs off and beat him with them. Then she tells the guy who said it to "Get the F out". The guy she was talking to sounded like Kalon... which would surprise absolutely no one... so that's my guess.
My DVR cut out before the "outtake" scene they always show at the very end. Did anyone rip their shirt off? Did a dog pee on anything? Somebody fill me in.
