This week finds us in Switzerland. Ben says it's crazy to think this adventure is almost over. I think everyone watching would argue it's crazier to think we're still tuning in. Remember last week when I encouraged any Ben fans to tell me why? No one did. But I got a lot of comments about what a snoozefest he is. Even Ben seems bored. But that's just because he only cares about seeing Courtney in her birthday suit as soon as possible and the other two women are just prolonging that quest.
But, while we're on the topic of the women, Ben mentions that he finds Nicki to be gentle and caring and *super* sweet. Lindzi makes him feel happy and he had a premonition about having children with her and taking them to her parents house to play. Premonition? Really? When did Ben learn that word? Courtney, of course, is spontaneous and nerdy (nerdy?!) and he feels like there is some magical force pulling them together. You're expecting me to make a crude joke about the laser beam in his pants, aren't you? Well, I'm not. So there. Instead, I'd like to talk about how he said she was "extremely unique". I actually heard President Bartlet sigh. You see, something can't be extremely unique. It's either one of a kind or it isn't. I bet he wants to take the cue cards away from Ben and hand them to Sam Seaborn to clean up. Aaah, Sam Seaborn. I wish he could be the Bachelor. I'd apply. Married schmarried. Sam Seaborn is my favorite person in the whole wide fictional world.
Where were we? Oh, right. Ben was thinly veiling the fact that he extra super loves Courtney and acting like the other women exist.
First to torment him with her existence: Nicki.
Ben welcomes her to "the country of the Alps". Yes, that's what he said. So, they could be in France or Italy or any number of places as "Alps" don't just exist in Switzerland... but, as luck would have it, they are in Switzerland. And the best way to see Switzerland is obviously from the air. Plus, no one has been in a helicopter yet this season, right?
What? EVERY. SINGLE. EPISODE. has had a helicopter. Well, maybe not the first night, but I'm pretty sure they all have since then. In fact, Nicki and Ben helicopter-ed in Puerto Rico. So they are old pros now. They oooh and aaah at how beautiful Switzerland is.
Normally I would mock them for this, but not so much. Switzerland actually IS breathtaking. Not that I went to any touristy place in Europe that I was like "Wow. What a hole." But Switzerland is just extra incredible. And clean. And the boys are cute. And the chocolate... mmm... the chocolate. So, yeah, I'm a big fan of Switzerland. In fact, I'm a bit of a ski jumping enthusiast (I just keep getting weirder, I know) and my favorite ski jumper is Swiss. Simon Ammann. Plus, on his Facebook page a few weeks ago, he announced he will jump at the 2014 Olympics. Yay! I feel perfectly fine about cheering for him because Americans aren't very good at ski jumping and because the Swiss are neutral, which somehow counts.
Okay, back to Nicki and my plans to keep this post short. Here's the short version: they flew around, they landed on a mountain, they had a picnic and made small talk, there were a lot of relationship metaphors about peaks and valley, cliffs, new heights, etc. Then they hollered to see if it would echo. Most importantly, Nicki's nails were better. Not that hideous yellow from her last helicopter adventure.
At dinner, Nicki asks Ben how many kids he wants. He wants 4. Uh-oh. She only wants 2. For my part, I think any little Benlings running around would be too many. As a friend texted me, "Ben looks like the kind of guy who has bad breath and doesn't know it". I find this to be an incredibly accurate summation of Ben. So the fact that he would like 4 of him running around terrifies me to my very core. This could be the only upside of him choosing Courtney. On the .00004% chance they actually stayed together, got married, and had kids, she probably wouldn't want 4. Probably just 1. That she adopted. Because it made her feel more Angelina Jolie.
Despite their difference is the number of kids they want, both are down to practice making them and Nicki readily accepts the overnight card that "Chris Harrison" creepily sent them. They make out in a hot tub full of bubbles. Nicki declares that she knows she's here for a reason. I suspect Ben knows that, too... just thinks the reasons are very different. Hers include plans for a lifetime. His include plans for the next 2 minutes. Max.
Next up, Lindzi. She runs up to him and says "It's so cold here". He replies "Welcome to Interlaken". I'm sure the city of Interlaken is *super* jazzed about having Ben on their welcoming committee. He tells her that they are going to enjoy an adrenaline-filled date, because Interlaken is the extreme sports capital of Europe. Take that, Munich. (Not that I think Munich is the extreme sports capital of Europe. Really, it's just a random city I chose. My point being that it's unlikely Ben knows what the extreme sports capital of Europe is. Actually, it's unlikely he knows what Europe is.)
Also among the things Ben doesn't know? What they're doing, apparently. He's just as shocked as Lindzi to find out they will be rappelling down a gorge. He's all "Holy bleep" about it. So is Lindzi. But she's not too freaked out to keep her from making a few cheesy metaphors. I think this one was "Stepping off the edge of the cliff is like stepping off into a new relationship" or something. Gag.
And what was with the cameras strapped to the top of their helmets? They looked like Kodak cameras from Walmart. Or whatever the Swiss equivalent of Walmart is. I don't recall. But I did go to a Swatch store while I was there. Swatch!!
Ben likes that Lindzi is willing to rappel. He says he likes that she's willing to try anything. Yeah, I bet he is.
Okay, the rappelling begins. Ben screams like a girl. He says he can't believe they are free-falling. Free-falling. Wow. Ben is really in for a shock if he ever is free-falling. He'll be surprised to find there is not actually a rope tethered to him. Just air. And falling. And probably death.
Not having perished from their "free-falling", Ben tells Lindzi he has another surprise for her. She says she's not sure if she can handle a surprise #2. Um, gross. I mean, if Lindzi has IBS or something and is afflicted with a surprise #2 from time to time, I feel bad for her. But, more likely, she's just a victim of PWSS (Poorly-Worded Sentence Symptom).
The big surprise? A hot tub. Whooo hooo! They talk about her being vulnerable. Again. Because we haven't beat that horse into oblivion already. Lindzi says she's impressed seeing the Ice Queen melt. Naturally, I assume she means Courtney, but apparently she means herself. Ben even says "You call yourself the Ice Queen?" She answers as eloquently as usual: "Well, yeah, it just happened."
To the camera, Ben talks about how he's falling in love with Lindzi but hopes they'll get to the place they both need to be tonight. And I think we all know where that place is.
At dinner, they make more small talk. Or something. Who knows. All that matters is that Ben is wearing a bow tie. Look, I get that bow ties are kind of fashionable right now in certain circles. Like hipsters. But I just can't get on board. Of course, does being totally over hipsters make me a hipsters?
Lindzi doesn't seem to mind the bow tie. Instead, she just digs a worse hole for anyone trying not to make childish comments while watching. For example, she says it's been hard to give all of herself to Ben. (Mostly because Courtney seems to have the market cornered on that. He he he.) Then she talks about her ex and says maybe she settled a little bit with "zee last one". Yes, she copped a French accent. I don't know why. Maybe in honor of that dude from The Artist winning Best Actor at the Oscars on Saturday. Finally, she accepts the fantasy suite card, gives the requisite "I don't usually do this, but..." speech and then says she would love to because she really likes where they are going. (Which is to a No Pants Party. He he he.)
Also worth mentioning? The keys to the fantasy suite were actual, old-fashioned keys. Lindzi commented on this and Ben said it was the key to his heart. GAG.
In the fantasy suite, they make out. Shocking, right? And, because her dress was so short, she actually did look pantsless whilst sprawled out on the bed. I bet Harry and Margy were real proud of that.
Lastly, Courtney. Can we just skip the details and say "UGH!!!"? No? Okay.... they go on a train to some little village. Ben says they are "fairytaling". You know, it's okay to make some things into verbs (or gerunds, maybe) that actually aren't. Tweeting, unfriending, etc. Fine. Fairytaling? Nope. Not a thing.
They arrive in the little village and Ben says he likes how much Courtney wants to learn about the culture. Because pawing oranges she didn't intend to pay from off the cart of some unsuspecting street vendor is really "learning about the culture". They stop in a cheese shop. Courtney tells us this is what life would be like with Ben. Yeah, I bet. I have no doubt this is what life will be like for Courtney. In fact, isn't it already? Wasn't she bragging a few episodes about photo shoots all over the world? But with Ben? That guy supposedly runs a busy winery. He can't jaunt off to Europe on a whim.
Anyway, they skip down the street. They squeal about garden gnomes. They pet a flock of goats. GOATS... the one thing I dislike more than I dislike Courtney. Though I kind of think she might be some sort of goat pied piper. Finally, they sit down next to a cow and Ben tells her all about a game he and his sister used to play called "Hey Cow". All you do is yell "Hey, Cow!" at a cow. If it turns and looks at you, you win. You know what would be more fun? If Ben did this in a bar. And anyone who punched him won.
During their picnic, Courtney brings up the other women. Ben comments that she did twist the knife a little. Courtney attempts to justify / apologize. He says he doesn't want to ruin the day by talking about it and they can bring it up later.
Courtney fake-cries to the camera about how she hates that she made things harder for Ben and that she really could have handled herself better.
The de-douchification of Courtney continues at dinner. She's wearing the twig ring from their fake wedding last week. Court promises that this experience just brought out the worst in her but that she's not really like that. Huh? If it brought out the worst in you, it means that notion WAS already in you, so you are really like that. Right? Ben points out that this isn't the first time that she has had problems getting along with women and that his mom, sister, and female friends are important to him so he needs her to be okay with that. She answers "I understand and I respect that". "I respect that" is pretty much a nice way of saying "You're wrong and dumb."
By the end of dinner, Ben has concluded that she really has learned from this and hearing her acknowledge it and apologize was all that mattered. As if there could be any doubt, she accepts the fantasy suite card and they go pollute the water in a hot tub.
Making the most of their early announcement of Emily Maynard as the next Bachelorette, we get a reprieve from Boring Ben and get to spend a little time with Emily. We see her fly to LA to meet with Ali and Ashley and get some pointers on being the Bachelorette. And by "pointers", I mean "try on clothes and makeup, hold a tray of roses, and open a date card." Seriously, y'all.
For the "date", the girls go see Titanic in 3D. Want to guess what movie I dislike as much as I dislike Courtney and goats? Yup. Titanic. I HATE IT. I can't explain why. I just HATE it. I can't think of anything I would like to do less than watch Titanic in 3D. But, the girls seem into it. Ashley notes that she feels like she can reach out and touch them. Apparently she's new to 3D. Finally, Emily declares she wants a love like Rose and Jack. In order not to mean to sweet Emily, I won't point out that Jack dies. Or that Emily HAD a love like Jack and Rose and her fiance died. Maybe she should go for emulating a love amongst two people who stay alive. Just a thought. But, in all honestly, I'm looking forward to Emily's season.
Ok, back to Ben. He's feeling all happy-go-lucky now that Courtney has assured him she doesn't snack on small children while they dream. (Why yes, that is a Ryan Reynolds quote. Sometimes, to get through the show, I have to pretend Ben is someone I actually like. Ryan Reynolds is always the answer. Thank you, Canada!)
But wait? What's this? KCB!?!? What is she doing here? After a looooooooooong pause outside Ben's door, KCB knocks. I assume the pause was because she figured Chris Harrison would be there to do the knocking. Where is that guy? Probably cavorting around Switzerland instead of doing his job. PS: How do I get this job? I am not opposed to being Botox'ed. I can make sweeping arm gestures. I'm pretty good at Uno, so I think I would be able to discern when there is one rose left. (Oh my stars! How fun would it be if, when there was one rose left, the last two people had to yell UNO! and the rose went to the person who said it first?!?!) See how fun this show would be if I hosted? Sorry, KCB. No such luck. You're on your own.
Ben clops to the door. Hmmm. So his microphone was already on just in case someone showed up? Sure, that's likely. But Ben is shocked - SHOCKED, I say - to see KCB. And she is shocked to be there. They sputter out a few greetings and take a lot of deep breaths.
KCB says she was blindsided by him sending her home and she'd like to know why. He launches into a speech about respecting her and her family too much to keep her to the end when he knew they wanted different things. Then KCB pretty much quotes from my post last week. (Yeah, I know this filmed in November but maybe she has a time machine or something. She definitely got the idea from me. I'm sure of it.)
"I wish you had talked to me about it," KCB declares. She goes on to say that things like moving in together are decisions she has to make for herself and that, while she respects her parents, she has to make the decisions that make her happy.
Ben just kind of bobs his head. See, KCB, the problem isn't so much that Ben didn't think you would move in with him. It's that you didn't get nekkid with him in Puerto Rico. The first person to bare all wins. Better luck next time.
KCB then says that she really does love Ben and want him to be happy, so that's why she has to warn him that Courtney will break his heart. She says Courtney says would say things like "If it's not Ben, whatever. There are plenty of other fish in the sea" and that it's clear her focus is winning, not being with Ben.
(At this point, I should warn you that I am no longer working off of notes. Don't ask. Anyway, I pretty well remember what happened, but if I get lost, I'll just fill in with stuff about unicorns. Or ski jumping. Because I'm sure you'd like to learn more about that.)
Ben is all "I don't know what to say" and KCB is all *deep breath* *kind of cry* *sigh* *deep breath*. She says "Well, I'll leave you now and let you decompress". Ben walks her to the door. She takes a few steps, then flops down in the floor of the hotel hallway. I found that odd. I mean, I'm guessing it's not the first time she's sprawled out in a hotel floor, but it probably is the first time she's done so when relatively sober.
Next, Ben meets up with Chris Harrison. Oh, so he IS here! Ben looks visibly shaken. Or maybe it's just his normal disheveled look. It's kind of hard to tell. Chris greets him with something like "Hey, man" and Ben replies "Sup, man?" This is quickly turning into a beer commercial.
Ben then puts his hand on his head and is like "I don't even know what the (bleep) is happening." Chris Harrison furrows his brow. I repeat, Chris Harrison furrows his brow. I believe this is the first time all season we've seen him exhibit any facial expressions that require the forehead.
Ben goes on about how he's worried about making the wrong decision. Chris asks if that means he wants KCB to be included in tonight's rose ceremony. Ben says no. He's already got enough to figure out and adding her in would just be too much. Chris says he'll leave Ben alone to decompress.
*cue screeching halt sound*
Decompress? Isn't that what KCB said? I realize it's not an uncommon expression, but it's not an everyday speech kind of thing either. So, if one wanted, one could almost believe that someone told both of them "... and then you should say you'll leave and let him decompress..." Otherwise, it seems more like KCB would have said "I'll let you think". And Chris, of course, would have said "Take a moment..."
Ben stands in front of the table containing photos of the remaining women and ponders. As I say every season, I really want to be the person who is responsible for this. Travel the world just to set up a few pictures on a table? Then remove a picture and head off to the next destination? Yeah, I could do that. In fact, I could do that AND Chris Harrison's job. The Bachelor franchise would really be getting a great value for their money if they hired me. Plus, their helicopter budget is higher than my current salary, so I'm sure I would work for a lot cheaper than Chris. Just something to think about, Bachelor Overlords.
Chris walks the ladies into the rose ceremony. Everyone stops to gawk at Nicki's outfit.
Then Chris launches into a speech about something... the journey or how hard this is or some such crap. Next, he breaks down the rose situation. "There are three of you left and only two roses. That means one of you will go home tonight."
Ben appears. His speech goes on and on. I'm kind of glad I don't have my notes so I can't bore you with the details. He gives the first rose to Lindzi.
He holds the final rose for the longest time. I guess he was waiting for Chris to reappear. But he never does. What?! No "Ladies, this is the final rose"? But, how will they know to take a moment and say their goodbyes? I mean, sure, he just told them that 12 seconds ago, but what if they forgot?
After a few deep breaths, Ben gives the final rose to Courtney.
He walks Nicki out. He assures her that it was nothing she did. She's a wonderful girl, but
Nicki gives another great Ugly Cry in the limo. She says she's never loved someone who didn't love her back. She says she was so sure she was ready to be a wife and a mother but that it will take some time now after this experience. She says some other weepy stuff.
Ben returns to the women and tells them they are headed up into the mountains next. Here's hoping he pushes Courtney off the Matterhorn. He won't, but one can only hope.
Next week is the Women Tell All. Conveniently, Courtney won't be there. Also, I'll be out of town. I should be able to watch, but without the benefit of DVR and there probably won't be any pictures. Go ahead and Ugly Cry. But, no worries, I'll be back to normal for the finale.
