But alas, this week Lieutenant Lame-O takes the girls to Belize. And, as a special treat, we get to see a graphic of a plane flying from Panama to Belieze. I assume this was made to show the girls who still weren't convinced there was more than one Panama City and didn't understand why they are leaving Florida
Ben says some crap about how beautiful it is. He name drops the hotel: CocoBeach Resort. He drives himself in on a big motorboat. What is with this guy and boats? I thought he was a winemaker. Why are they painting him as Jack Sparrow? Ben continues reflecting. He tells us he's captivated and captured. That feelings of love are there... but he's
At least I think that's what he said. My entire attention was devoted to the tank top he was wearing. And not just any tank top. A striped tank top. And not just any striped tank top. A striped tank top with a deep V. Suffice it to say, that's a sentence I had hoped to never type.
The women arrive. KCB tells us she's as in love with Ben as she can get. Which is to say?? For me, I am also as in love with Ben as I can get. Absolutely none at all. So does this mean she's actually *super* in love with him and her heart is maxed out? Or does it mean the amount a person could love boring ol' Ben is fairly low, and thus it was easy for her to reach that point? I'm hoping for the latter.
The girls oooh and aaah at the villa. Emily says it's beautiful and that she's sharing it with four girls and a shark. Then adds "Courtney", in case anyone in the world was unclear about that.
Chris Harrison arrives (Nice of you to make it this week, dude!) and gives another long speech about love and marriage and roses and dates. This week, three one-on-one dates and one group date. But *cue ominous music* there will be no roses on the one-on-one dates. Only on the group date.
Oh, and while they were standing there, Courtney and Rachel are both wearing scarves. Not breezy silk scarves, but kind of heavy material. I know this filmed around October, but is it ever scarf weather in Belize? Or maybe something about their overbites creates a draft and gives them chills. Or maybe they both need to eat a cheeseburger. Or 20.
Chris leaves the first date card. It's for Lindzi. It says "Two halves make a whole." I spent a lot of time wondering what that had to do with their date, but - at this exact moment - I have realized that I didn't actually look at the card and it was likely spelled "hole", not "whole". In which case, it would be relevant to the date. Though, the "two halves" part is still unnecessary. It could have said "Ben's a dillhole" and gotten the point across.
Ben meets Lindzi for their date. Anyone want to guess what he's wearing? Surely not another tank top, right? I mean, that would be absurd...
That's right. Another striped tank. This time with a tiny pocket. Oh my stars. There are just no words. Plus, having made a picture with Ben and Redfoo, I am now realizing that they have a lot in common. Weird hair. Tank tops. Overinflated sense of self-worth. But not that glasses. I added Ben's. There is, however, one thing Ben and Redfoo don't have in common. I don't hate Redfoo. Don't get me wrong. I feel like I should hate Redfoo. I mean, look at the guy. And who says "Every day I'm shufflin'"? What does that even mean?! And LMFAO for a group name? Give me a break. But, nevertheless, I find a reason to say "I'm sexy and I know it" at least once a day. And by "say", I mean "sing". Frankly, I would much rather Redfoo be The Bachelor. THAT would be good television. Except for the Speedo...
As Emily watches Lindzi and RedFoo Jr. leave for their date, she says something about how it's like having someone put a delicious slice of cheesecake in front of you and then someone else comes and takes it away and says "bye-bye" and leaves with your cake. In swim trunks. Um, what? I think she's trying to convey envy... but what she's actually conveying is that she might be high. That would explain the hankering for cheesecake.
Back to Benzi. They board a helicopter (okay, last season I complained about the lack of helicopters... but this season has too many helicopters. There has to be a mid-point somewhere.) The helmet-taking wasn't too bad this week. Lindzi says now that she's met Ben, she is thinking about marriage and kids and stuff. Uh, why wasn't she thinking about that before? Or maybe, hopefully, she's thinking "I now realize how much I want to get married and have kids and how Ben would be the worst possible course by which I could pursue that."
The helicopter flies them over the Great Blue Hole. (That's where the "hole" part came in on the date card.) It's actually beautiful. Any time I see a picture, I wish I could fly over it. But not with Ben. Anyone but Ben.
Not only do Benzi get to fly over the hole (and yes, I wish it had a much less ridiculous name), they get to jump in it. Out of the helicopter. Hey, what are the chances Lindzi is terrified of heights? Hmmm...
After an unbearable amount of metaphors are uttered ("taking the leap", "leap of faith", "falling from the helicopter will be like falling in love", that kind of crap), they jump.
And by "jump, I mean "not that far". Of course, the camera shows us a nice, wide shot and wants us to believe it's all Ashton Kutcher a la The Guardian and they are leaping from some almost-lethal height. In reality, I'm guessing it wasn't much more than a typical high diving board. Of course, it makes Lindzi scream. She probably peed a little. Sorry, fish.
After they have terrified the marine life, a boat appears and they swim to it. At some point, they transfer to a smaller boat, once again skippered by Ben. They navigate to a dock. Lindzi comments on the star-lit water. In reality, there are floating candles in the water. Stars. Candles. Same difference. Ask an astrophysicist.
Continuing to flaunt her educational prowess, Benzi arrive at a pile of pillows on the ground. She asks "Is this for us?" No, sweetie, it's for the other couples waiting to be seated. "Dimwit. Party of 2. Your cushions are now available."
Ben asks if she is ready to bring him home. She talks about what an important step that is. (Side note: Lindzi is a stellar enunciator. She puts the T in "important". "Imp-por-Tant". Most people say something like "impordunt". I like the T. Mostly because I also say it that way. It sounds just pretentious enough without going overboard.)
(Another side note: Lindzi has a raspy voice. Not full-fledged Marlboro-tastic like Rachel, but raspy. As the night progresses, it gets worse. By the end of the night, she sounds like Phyllis Diller.)
After a fair bit of rambling, Lindzi says that she is hopeful Ben will meet her family. What happens next would be the most ridiculous thing all night, were it not for the fact that Ben had already worn TWO tank tops. A montage of the two of them plays. And not just any montage. To make it look all romantic and gooey, it's jazzed up with special effects. I know nothing of video effects, but I am fairly certain a local 7th grader did it as a class project. They made the color funky and sort of superimposed beams of light here and there. Even as I'm describing it, I'm not doing justice to how corny it was. Not to mention that there aren't a lot of clips of the two of them together. Just... wow...
As if that weren't enough, Ben pulls out a piece of paper and says they are going to write a note to put in a bottle. No doubt one of they already drained of wine. Somehow it turns into a drawing on one side of them jumping from the helicopter and a "love story" on the other. It started out "Once upon a time..." It ended with Ben making an "eternal promise" to her to be truthful and open. I choked on my own vomit at some point. Lindzi ate it up. Wait, the love stuff... not my vomit. She was all "I know Ben can't tell me how he feels so it's so great he could work it into this silly love story." Aaaaand... more vomit. Do I even have to mention again how unbelievably ludicrous it is to think you can build a solid relationship with someone who can't tell you how they feel? I know it wouldn't make for good TV if Ben was like "I heart Courtney. She's the front-runner." But, whatever. Still dumb.
Speaking of dumb, they write their little note and throw their bottle out to sea. Whoo hoo.
While Benzi were on their date, another date card arrived at the hotel. This time, for Emily. Of course, Courtney handles this with as much grace and appropriateness as she handles anything. By faking tears and saying she wants to kill herself.
Emily's date card asks "Do you Belize in love?" Please, for the love of Pete, explain to me why we even need these date cards? Just an envelope with the name(s) would suffice. But then how would the women speculate and read entirely too much into a silly pun in girly handwriting meant to be a heartfelt invitation from Ben?
But, it seems Em does Belize in love. She's *super* excited as she boards a chartered plane. And hands a guy a boarding pass. FYI: A Cessna 208 holds 9 passengers. (Can we agree to glaze over my ability to identify aircraft and just agree I'm a complex nerd? Thanks.) A privately chartered Cessna holds, um, 1 passengers. I think we can skip the boarding pass. You're in Group A. You have no baggage to check. Emotional baggage notwithstanding.
As the plane approaches the runway, Ben ducks down. Yeah, because you're really standing RIGHT in the path of the plane. Not that a haircut wouldn't do you a world of good, but come on. It wasn't right overhead. Ugh.
After the "near miss" with the aircraft, Ben tells us he has a *super, super* cool date planned. They are going to...... wait for it..... bike ride through town! *SQUEE!!!!* He goes on to say he's easy peasy. Ugh.
Lemon Squeezy and Emily wander through town. They drink from coconuts, interrupt a local basketball game, annoy some vendors, dance in the street, and then head down to the dock to buy some lobsters. Unfortunately, all the lobsters are sold.
**Waaaaannn waaaahhh...* (That was sad, Charlie Brown, disappointment-type music. You didn't get that?)
But wait!!
The guy can't sell these lobsters but he CAN get Emily and Ben a ride on a boat and they can fetch their own lobsters. I mean, what are the chances?!?!
Emily tells us she loves how spontaneous Ben is. Okay, really? Because even if Ben had set any of this up himself, he wouldn't be spontaneous. He'd be poorly organized. I mean, why wouldn't he have purchased the lobster ahead of time? Duh.
At any rate, Emily and Ben head out to sea and cannonball off the boat to begin acquiring lobster. Apparently they have some sort of hooking device and will catch the lobster by its tail. This should go well...
While Ben and Emily are upsetting PETA, Courtney is back at the villa laying it on thick. She's telling Lindzi how she can't believe Ben is out on a date with someone who treated her so badly. Yeah, well, Belize it, Courtney. It's happening. She "cries" to the camera and says she's falling for Ben and he should be on her side and shouldn't want to spend time with someone who was mean to her. She adds that if she doesn't get a one-on-one date, she won't accept any rose from Ben this week because she wouldn't want him to meet her family. Can I just say that the attempts to make Courtney look less venomous just make me dislike her more? And the fact that the whole time she talks, she does the Kristen Stewart "hands in the hair" thing makes me stabby. My two least favorite people to ever see on TV merging into one. Score.
Okay, back to the great lobster fishermen. They sit down to dinner and dig into "their" lobsters. Ben asks her the same thing he asked Lindzi about meeting the family. Emily says she feels the connection between the two of them is really strong now that the distractions she caused by talking about Courtney are in the past. She'd love for him to meet her family. Blah blah. Um, Em? Maybe the best way to let Ben know you're over the Courtney thing is by not mentioning it and reminding him of it. Ben isn't the brightest bulb. You can't say Courtney at all and expect him to keep listening. His mind will immediately jump to seeing her naked non-boobies in Puerto Rico.
Basically admitting he's not, you know, intelligent, Ben tells Emily how he's always taken by her intelligence. But that he figures smart people don't always want to be told they're smart, so he wants her to know she's beautiful too. They kiss.
Back at the hotel, the final one-on-one date card arrives. It's for Courtney. She has a different impression of Ben. She declares to everyone that he is a "smart boy" for listening to her and realizing she needed time alone with him. Further proving his intelligence, Ben tells us something about "Courtney and I's" relationship.
ONCE AGAIN... IT IS NEVER "I'S". Why do I have to go over this every single season?! Never, ever, ever, ever in the history of ever will it be "I's". It's MY!! "Courtney's and my..." NEVER!!!!! EVER!!!!!!! I'm beginning to understand how people can start wars. It's over crap like this that infuriates the wrong person with a cache of weapons.
Okay, hold on. I need a little pranayama break. What is it my yoga teacher says? "Breathing in life and vitality as you inhale. Slowly exhaling anything negative. Inhale. Exhale. Forget that Ben is an idiot. Stabbing people is not allowed. Life and vitality..."
IT'S NEVER "I'S"!!
Life and vitality... inhale, exhale.
Back to Courtney. She tells us that Ben needs to step up his game and he knows it. She spews some idiocy about how the spark between them has kind of fizzled and he better get it back if he wants to meet her family. And by "fizzled" she means "What spark? This is all just a ridiculous exercise my agent is forcing me to do so maybe the people at Victoria's Secret will want to sign me."
Ben greets Courtney as she exits the plane. Yes, another plane. In her tiny Ben voice, Courtney notes that it's a "little plane". Read: "It's bad enough I have to fly coach sometimes. But to fly in this tuna can without so much as a
They hike through the jungle and arrive at a Mayan temple. Courtney asks if this is where they do human sacrifices. Normally I would say "RUN, BEN! RUN!" but, honestly, if someone has to be sacrificed to whatever god she
As they begin climbing, Court continues with her poor, pitiful model act. She tells him she didn't like it that he was out with Emily after Emily said such nasty things about her. (Not false things, mind you. Just nasty.) She tells him that she wouldn't have accepted a rose without getting a one-on-one this week. She says being on the group dates made her feel like they were just friends.
*cue that screeching sound when the DJ makes the record come to a sudden halt*
On more than one group date, they've practically made babies. Puerto Rico with the inappropriate and the skinny dipping was a group date. And she felt like they were just friends? No wonder later she'll tell us she mostly has guy friends. I'm sure lots of guys would like a "friend" like that. Though I think they would call it something other than friend. Something buddy.
Ben reassures her that he's been in her shoes and respects how she's feeling... but that she always made herself stand out on group dates. *laugh, choke, spit, cough* Yeah she did!!
He then says he realizes that he wants a woman with a little edge to her. (Like her shoulders? They are have a perfect 90° angle to them. That's edgy, right?) He says he likes that she's a little weird. Because he's weird, too.
Oh, so he knows he's weird? Well, that helps a little.
Finally, they reach the top of the temple and sit down again for more deep conversation. And metaphors about each step they took. Gag.
Looking out over the vista, Ben says "Oh my dad!" Then says "Oh, I say that sometimes. When I'm thinking of my dad." To which my husband piped up "I'm sure your dad would rather you not take his name in vain like that." This, of course, leads to talk about his dad and Ben saying he could picture his past, present, and future in that moment. And with Courtney. Um, is it possible he ate some sort of Mayan plant on the way up?
He then, AGAIN, says something about "Courtney and I's"...
And this is where the recap ends because I shot my TV and have no idea what happened next.
But, had I not shot the TV, I'm sure they would have gone to dinner. Where Courtney would have said that no man has asked her father for her hand in marriage before. Really? I can't imagine. A mean-spirited model who puts out freely? No one felt the need to lock that down yet? Shocking!
Ben says how he pictured his life with her and had a moment of crazy clarity and stuff.
Because she's clearly here for Ben and not for *WINNING*, Courtney tells the camera that the show's over. Pack your bags, girls! She then blazes some finger guns and shoots. Then says "KILL SHOT!" Followed by "But I don't want to get cocky." True. Why cross that line, right?
Ben asks Courtney about the other girls. She goes on a speech about how not one of them has tried to get to know her or ask about her because they are all just mean and jealous and stuff. But it doesn't matter because she would never be friends with any of them in real life anyway. They are all just so vanilla and it's so hard for her to just sit there and listen to them talk.
Okay, if that didn't tell Ben everything he needed to know about Courtney, there's no hope for him. And I sense there's no hope for him. I mean, she pretty much just said "I hate them all, but it's annoying they don't like me anyway."
He then asks if she has many girl friends. She answers that she has many good friends. Just most are guys. (I think we've adequately covered why.)
Side note: I think, at some point, almost every girl has declared she has mostly guy friends. And, at some point, it's probably true. For me, it was college. I was in a male-dominated major. I watched a lot of sports. I laughed at bathroom humor. I really did relate better to guys. The caveat? No one wanted to date me. You see, there are two types of "I mostly have guy friends" girls. The "one of the guys" girl... which I was. And the "I'm such an evil skank no women can tolerate me... but guys enjoy my skankiness" girl. I think it's clear which one Court is.
She goes on to make a few subtle jabs at the girls and declares they wear her out.
Ben forms what some could consider to be a rational thought and says it's important to him that he be with someone who is able to connect with others and get along with people. He wonders if she can do that. She replies with one of the best/worst lines I've ever heard.
"Do you even understand how stressful my job is? I'm the TALENT! I have to keep everyone happy..."
Really? Because I thought a model's job was to wear what she was told, stand how she was told, and not eat solid food. Aside from walking in heels, which I can't do, I don't see where talent really is a factor. I mean, I suppose for her, faking a smile would take talent, but other than that... GAG!
She finishes by saying she's really well-rounded and is just not impressed by these girls. Well, glad we cleared that up.
Ben tells us that he doesn't want to push her because she gets defensive. But he doesn't want to be with someone no one likes. I hope he's watching these episodes with a friend who is willing to give him a much-deserved junk punch every time he says something like this. Dude, if you are considering MARRIAGE to someone and you can't "push them" or they "get defensive", um, come on! Another clue you might be an idiot: If the girls makes a big production about how she doesn't have to find love this way.
Yep. She said that. More than once. Why not just come right out and say "How did Anne Vyalitsyna get Adam freakin' Levine and I got this tool?"
Mmmm. Adam Levine.
What were we talking about?
Adam Levine?
Ok.
Right. Right. Ben. Who is decidedly NOT Adam Levine.
After Courtney temporarily releases her claws, he has a group date to attend.
In a striped hoodie, looking only slightly like a strung out rapist, Ben sneaks into the girls room.
I really felt like Emily dropped the ball here. She's supposed to be a rapper and she couldn't even give us a little "Bed Intruder"? "Hide yo wife, hide yo kids. Ben's sneakin' up in here!"
According to him, it's 4 AM. He tells the girls to get on their bathing suits and meet him outside. He also says hi to Courtney, who is sleeping in the same bed as Rachel? Yeah, okay.
The girls make a mad dash to get ready and shave various body parts. Because what you want to do immediately before jumping in the salty ocean is shave your bikini zone. That won't burn at all.
The girls meet him outside. The sun is now up. This greatly disturbed my husband. He thinks girls should get ready in .08 minutes. For the record, he's never once criticized how I look if I do get ready in .08 seconds, but still, I think he'd be shocked to find out how many women take over an hour to get ready every day. Or how often most women shave versus how my legs currently look. So, let's not tell him. Okay?
They take a small boat out to a catamaran. Anyone want to guess what Ben is wearing (now that he's removed his stalker hoodie)? Surely not another tank top. This is turning into a season of Tosh.0 (Having recovered from his shock about how long it took the girls to "get ready really quickly", my husband began singing "I'm bringin' tacky back..." after seeing third tank top of the episode.)
He tells the girls that they are now floating over a part of the sea known as Shark Alley. It sounds like a Nintendo game to me, but Ben insists it is a real thing. And they are going to swim with the sharks!! KCB and Nicki are excited. Rachel, however, is TERRIFIED! Sharks are her biggest fear. She doesn't even swim in lakes because she's afraid there could be a shark.
This garners all kinds of sympathy and attention from Ben. And annoyance from the other girls. And metaphors about diving in.
The actual swimming was pretty uneventful. We saw girls. We saw sharks. We saw Ben. We saw sharks. We never saw sharks in the same frame as girls. I'm guessing the sharks didn't want to be within a mile of Ben. Smart sharks.
So, yeah. Totally lame. If you're going to have a shark scene, do it like Couples Retreat:
After their non-encounter with the sharks, it's time for an after-party. Of course. It's equally lame. All the girls ramble on during their private chat with Ben about how they want him to meet their families and how they lurve him and stuff.
Nicki gives a very gangsta speech to the camera about how, that's right, she loves Ben. She's not afraid to tell it to the palm trees. And the sea shells. And the (bleeping) ocean.
Again, I'm reminded of a Vince Vaughn movie. Wedding Crashers. The extended edition, to be specific. In which the brother sits on the dock and yells about death. And Christopher Walken tries to encourage his son by yelling back "Todd, that's good! Tell that mean ocean!" Apparently cursing at the sea is therapeutic. Okay.
Whilst making out in the hot tub, KCB also confesses her feelings. And also is glad to know Ben feels the same, even though he can't say it back. UGH!!!
Ben decides KCB's declaration of love was the most moving and gives her the group date rose.
Meanwhile, Courtney has worked her way to the balcony, overlooking the deck where they after-party is taking place. She sees Ben give KCB the rose. She she's KCB is not competition. She's a little girl. In a little boy's body. Because, Courtney and her nearly-A cups have a lot of room to talk. At least KCB has feminine shoulders.
Before the date wraps up, Ben makes a speech about how nice it was that everyone was open. KCB says they just want him to be happy. Nicki says they are concerned he might get hurt. Eventually they get to the point that Courtney sucks. Ben says "Because of the beef between her and Emily?"
The beef? What is this? West Side Story?
Nicki explains that it's more than that. It's the way she talks in general that make it evident she's not there for the right reasons.
Ben tells the camera maybe she is saying one thing to him and something else to everyone. Now, if only he would let that thought overshadow the thought of her naked, he might be okay. But, let's face it, that's not going to happen.
Later that night, the girls walk down another long pier and gather for the Cocktail Party.
The girls make awkward conversation about how nervous they are. Courtney talks about how good her pina colada is. She says "OHMYGOSH! It's so good when it hits your lips!" and "Let's get this party started!" and snaps. Yes, snaps. As the other girls continue to be pensive about the fact that Ben might send them home, Courtney says "Why? He isn't the only guy in the world." Then she begins talking to the umbrella in her drink. Then, to the girls who are still feeling unsettled, she gives a snarky "Well, you should have used your time wisely."
Chris Harrison arrives and stands in front of some tiki torches and totem poles. In a suit.
Chris Harrison should not be allowed to stand in front of anything tribal. It infringes too much on Jeff Probst's territory. Jeff Probst is the Chuck Norris of reality TV hosting. Period. And Survivor is the best show. And it starts again tomorrow. And I'm kind of over the moon. All that to say that Probst would vote Chris Harrison off the island so fast his Botoxed forehead might even move! Chris should just go back to standing in a cushy hotel suite and leave the outdoors to Jeff.
You know what Probst would do if he were the host of this show? He'd mock Ben. Often and out loud. Because that's what he does on Survivor. He says things like "My grandma could crawl up that wall faster than you!" You know what Chris Harrison does? Gives two-bit relationship advice and sends tweets with terrible grammar.
Anyway, more deep breathing to clam myself down.
Chris tells the girls that Ben has decided not to have a Cocktail Party tonight. He's already made up his mind what he wants to do. The girls all feign shock.
Soon, Ben arrives. The girls line up - all barefoot - for the Rose Ceremony. Before he hands out a rose, he asks to steal Courtney for a second. Of course, mouths gape and dreams are shattered for the remaining girls. Only for a second though. Then everyone is like "BOOYAH!! He's going to send the (bleep) home!"
Ben tells Courtney he wants to make sure she's really in this and really here for the right reasons. Courtney says she really thinks they can make each other happy... but she doesn't want him to question her. She's been very open and honest. Well, at least she doesn't get defensive, right?
They rejoin the crowd and Ben hands out roses. Once again, the lameness of this episode drained my psychic prowess.
KCB has a rose.
Nicki and Lindzi get roses. They both squeal.
Chris Harrison arrives to tell us that there is only one rose left. It's not nearly as impactful as "The tribe has spoken", but whatevs.
Ben asks Courtney if she will accept the rose. In her tiny Ben voice, she says "Yes".
Rachel and Emily leave dejected. Courtney says "See ya, wouldn't want to be ya" and tips her rose in Emily's direction.
Rachel tells the camera that she's disappointed. Or something. I was too distracted by the fact that she had a total 70s feather earring hanging from her head. But only one side. I assume her fringe jacket and Harley are back at the villa.
She walks out to a boat and we see her cry some more while they sail away.
Emily cries a little. Make a valid point that she hopes Ben finds someone who worries about him as much as Courtney worries about herself. Then she ugly cries and boards a boat. Unlike with Rachel, we don't get any footage from on the boat. I guess they couldn't spring for a second camera crew.
So, that's that. How I managed to write so much about so little is beyond me. But, if you cared about brevity, you'd have stopped reading this mess long ago!
I did manage a little more brevity in my radio recap this week. You can find it HERE. And, for the record, I very clearly pronounced "supposedly" yet it still sounds like "supposebly". Or I'm just hyper-sensitive. Either way, be assured I said "supposedly".
Hopefully next week's episode will have all the craziness and drama the hometowns should have. From the previews, it looks like KCB's dad might not be a big fan of giving his blessing to Ben, should Ben want to marry her. So, you know, maybe a dad with a brain. Though I expect he'll backtrack / sugar coat more during the episode. I hope not, though. And I hope someone has a pet mortuary in their basement again. Or a bird funeral. Or any of the other lunacy from past hometowns.
