Also noteworthy this week is that my husband watched a good portion of the show. He'll deny it if you ask him, but he did. In fact, he has a second job where he sets his own hours. Normally, he works Monday nights. So, the last couple of weeks he's said he wasn't going to work Mondays. I've said "You know I'll be watching The Bachelor, right?" He's like "Yeah, that's fine." Then, last night, I had the office chair in the living room (you know, for my insanely cool note and picture taking extravaganza). He had mentioned playing a game on the computer. I said "Oh, I can move the recliner and let you have the office chair." He said no, he thought maybe he'd just sit in the recliner and "relax" for a little bit. Yeah, relax. Okay. We'll go with that. Luckily, though, there was no need for commentary from Tristan -the inappropriate teenage boy in my head - because David pretty much said everything Tristan would have thought.
The David / Tristan comments started with the opening scene, when Ben gallivanted in on a horse. "What is he? He's not a douchenozzle, but he's something..." I said "A tool?" David said "Yes! He is definitely a tool!"
While Ben and his trusty steed gallop around, the girls arrive in Park City. Cheesy FlipCam videos and whoo-hooing at the hotel suite ensue. KCB tells us that Park City is the perfect place to fall in love. I don't understand this. I mean, sure, some places are more conducive to romance than others, but the only thing you should fall in love with in Park City is Park City. If you are going to fall in love with a person, it should be because of traits they possess no matter where they are located at the time. Of course, these women don't seem to have the firmest grasp on actual, healthy relationships anyway, so let's move on...
Chris Harrison greets the women to tell them the same thing he always tells them. 2 one-on-one dates, a group date, roses, blah blah, make the most of your time with Ben, blah... All I could focus on was that he had a popped collar. Bad enough in a polo shirt but he was wearing a pullover sweater. Seriously, what look is he going for? Preppy Vampire Chic?
The first one-on-one goes to Rachel. Ben describes her as "super mellow". Oh good, that word is back. Super. They take a helicopter to a river or a lake or some kind of body of water. Then they board a rickety-looking canoe with the name Jupiter painted terribly on the side. If you drive by my house on a Wednesday and see how poorly the word "Recycle" is painted on one of our trash bins, you'll have an idea of how bad the writing on the canoe was. (PS: If you drive by my house on a Wednesday and I know you, stop by and say hi. If you just happen to be reading this and drive by, stop by and say hi and let me get the correct spelling of your name for the restraining order.) Anyway - Jupiter in horrible paint. If I remember my Roman mythology correctly, the king of the gods was probably none too happy about this. I'm surprised he didn't have Neptune cause a giant wave to come topple their stupid little canoe. Wow - so apparently that really bothered me. It's just that if you can hire somewhat famous musicians to give private concerts and charter helicopters on a whim, perhaps you could spring for a $3 set of stencils to put the name on the side of the boat. Good job, Art Department.
Anywaaaaay, the date was awkward. First, there were bugs all over the lake (maybe Neptune did that?) I live in Arkansas. I'm no stranger to bugs. But this was insane.
And there were lots more were these came from. BUGS! EVERYWHERE!! (Oh, if you don't get the speech bubble, Google "Snakes on a Plane TV edit". It's a hilarious replacement of the MF bomb.)
The date remains awkward after the bug cruise. They have a picnic. She tells Ben she likes his wink. He says "Oh, uh, I was squinting." They talk about the sun and the weather. Long silence. More silence. Then he looks across the way and says "That's a beaver dam."
Cue hysterical laughter from my husband. "This is exactly like when Ross tried to kiss his cousin, then he was convinced anything he said would be better than silence... but he was wrong." Yep, that's pretty accurate. "That's a beaver dam" is right on par with ol' Ross...
After the picnic, they go to some sort of yurt. (It's a real thing; I'm not making that up.YURT.) Ben says "I constructed this today." Rachel says "Oh, did you?" I can't tell if she's kidding or not.
They stumble through dinner. Rachel says "It's something I struggle with, like in my past relationships. I struggle with it." Ben: "With WHAT?" Rachel: "Communication." Um, yeah, I'd say that is the overbiter's understatement of the century.
For whatever reason, Ben must like blathering idiots, because he gives her the rose and they head outside to a fire to make S'mores. Though, all I saw them eat were toasted marshmallows. Very different than S'mores. Don't get me started.
Okay, time for the group date. Courtney is on the group date, so of course she made a big deal about it when the date card came. You know, her usual crap. Gah. I seriously can't stand this woman. As a general rule, I can separate fact from fiction and reality from reality TV. I understand bad edits and acting and playing a role and blah blah blah. But bravo to whomever crafted Courtney into a totally unlikeable (bleep). I'm 100% on board with it. She's my least favorite contestant ever. Which, of course, reinforces my belief that she'll win.
Ben rides in on a horse again. Or, more likely, not again... just the same horse from the opening scene. He says he wants the girls to see how country he is. Oh, country? Okay. That must be why he looked absolutely terrified on the horse. And why he described horseback riding as rad. Yes, rad. Let me just tell you... I live in the country. Well, I live in the city limits... but in a town of 4,000 people in Arkansas... and a deer carcass hangs on a wall in my house. Compared to most other places, it's the country. And there are some really, really country folks here. I'm talking, belt buckles bigger than a plate, big ol' dip in their lip, actual spurs on their boots country. Then there are the no teeth, camo overalls, trucker hat country folks. And not once have I every heard any of them say "rad". Not. Once. I've heard them say "I'm as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine"- whatever that means - but not rad.
The girls ride up to a stream, where fly fishing gear is spread out. You know who might be country? Nicki. She immediately squeals "Waders!!" Everyone dons their waders and boots, grabs a fly rod, and heads out into the stream. Ben begins giving fly fishing lessons. Oh, how else do you know I live in the country? On our honeymoon - our 48 hour honeymoon - we went to Big Cedar Lodge in Missouri. We spent one day at their nature park, Dogwood Canyon. Guess what we did. Um, learned how to fly fish. Guess who doesn't know how to fly fish. Ben. Guess who doesn't give a crap. Courtney.
First, Ben spends some time with KCB. The whole episode has featured her being the whiny, insecure girl. She was a little better during the time they were talking / fishing... but not really. Whiny, whiny, whiny.
Next, Courtney informs us that catching a fish can't be much harder than catching a man, and she's done that before. Both are about knowing when to make your move. Wait, I thought she had soooo much trouble getting dates that she decided to come on this show. Also, her hat is dumb.
Ben disagrees with me. Obviously, because I'm awesome and he's Ben. He and Courtney head upstream. She says he "took the bait" and "is a good catch". Ugh. He "helps her" with the fly fishing. She comments that the rod is a good length for her. Yeah, no one giggled at that, did they? Ben also comments that mustard is his favorite condiment. In her annoying Ben voice, Courtney replies "Mine too!" Seriously. Actual hatred.
The other girls notice the air is not filled with Courtney's angst and awfulness, so they begin to wonder where she is. Lindzi wanders upstream and finds them. Before she can interrupt, Courtney catches a fish. Or, more likely, someone took a fish out of a bucket and attached it to the end of her line. She and Ben act like this really excites them. Ben makes her kiss the fish.
After the fishing, they go - of course - to an after-party. This time at the Waldorf Astoria. Courtney informs us that she is getting the rose tonight. "It's bound to happen." GAG.
First, Ben talks with Casey S. 4 episodes in and I know nothing about her. Well, she's blonde. So I know one thing about her. They talk about past relationships. Snooze.
The other girls attempt a toast to "no interrupting each other's time with Ben", but Nicki declines. She does so politely, though. She then interrupts Casey S. and Ben. She and Ben then talk about living in the moment and how her boss died recently. And Ben's friend. Oddly, he doesn't mention his dad. They kiss. Because nothing says "Let's make out" like dead loved ones.
Samantha barges in and wants to talk to Ben about why she's been on 3 group dates and no one-on-ones. Okay, here's where the Reality Steve news kicks in. Last week, I got my blondes confused and thought Brittney was the one who left because she developed feelings for a married producer on the show. I corrected it a few hours after I posted last week's recap, but if you missed it, it wasn't Brittney, it was Samantha. So, rest assured this whole conversation was staged. And dumb. He says her behavior on the group dates didn't show him anything to make him want to spend one-on-one time with her. She protests. Whatever. Ben gets to save a little face and say he thinks they should just part ways immediately. Fine. As far as what I think about Samantha's antics... just go read what I wrote last week and replace "Brittney" with "Samantha".
And yeah, yeah, I know Samantha said she had crazy feelings for "this guy", but maybe she didn't mean Ben, huh? Either way, she leaves on the group date and no one seems to broken up about it. Ben helps her load up her bags. Weird, right? Then Samantha musters some tears in the car.
Courtney, on the other hand, is overjoyed. She's glad Ben is sending girls home and feels like he's making decisions for the both of them. She didn't like Samantha and found her abrasive. "Hello, Pot... this is the Kettle. You're black."
Obviously not the least bit upset about Samantha's departure, Ben finds Whiny KCB and takes her up to his room. Bow-chicka-oh, never mind... just her whining some more. And then saying she's fine. And Ben reassuring her. And then kissing. And Ben, once again, saying she's trouble in a good way.
Finally, we see Ben and Courtney wrapped in towels -so obviously they / everyone had some time in the hot tub at one point. Courtney proves that she's actually there to pursue an acting career by giving a fairly convincing (to Ben) performance of a new play called Insecurity. Courtney, the girl who spends all her time telling the other girls how much better she is than them, runs some lines about how hard it is and the other girls and blah blah blah. I think her overbite got worse since last week. Oh, she also says she's nervous because there are some really great girls here. This conflicts with her usual statements about how the other girls are just temporary inconveniences and she is cuter and smarter and whatever-er than all of them.
Ben buys it, of course. He returns with the rose. He tells her he had planned to give it to someone else tonight, but that he doesn't want her to feel the least bit insecure, so he gives it to her. She smells it. Again. In case the scent of rose has dramatically changed in the last three weeks of her smelling every rose. PS: Ben has backne.
Then, to the camera, she says "Winning" again, Charlie Sheen style. Twice. I support free speech, but I think anyone who says "Winning" repeatedly should at least be investigated for something. Crimes against humanity, maybe. Or just punched in the face.
For the last date this week, Ben and Jennifer go on a one-on-one. Her magenta hair is fading a little, so that's good. But it's still magenta. Otherwise, I don't have a lot to say about her. She seems nice enough and not in your face. Or, in Ben's words, "easy going, good kisser, outdoorsy, and from a good family". No, I don't know how he knows about her family.
First, they climb a fence clearly marked No Trespassing. Ooooh, outlaws!
Next, they find a rusty cage covering a wide open pit. Hey, I know! Let's uncover it! Apparently Ben isn't just an expert in wine, fly fishing, horseback riding, and whatever else he's pretending to know this season, he's also an adventurous rappeller. He tells her they are going to put on a rappelling harness, climb down a little ways, then unhook themselves and fall into the water below. You know, I would probably do this... but not with Ben. I like a good adrenaline rush. And if the Park City Certified Fall Into a Cave Rappelling Society wants to rig me up for this, okay. But Ben? Pass. Seriously, this was a ridiculous scene. At least show the professionals helping.
Jennifer, naturally, is scared of heights. But not dying, apparently. She harnesses up. Both speak in overused metaphors about risk taking building relationships and trust and crap. They begin their descent.
They dangle precariously for a few minutes. I guess this is why Ben uses the phrase "See if she can hang" so much. They count to three and unhook, crashing into the water below. Then they swim around for a bit. I assume they made out. I can't recall.
Next, we see them riding a ski lift to a lodge, then having dinner. They talk about their past relationships. Of course. You know, wouldn't it be easier if everyone just wore a shirt on the first few dates with how many serious relationships they've been in, why the last one ended, what STD's they've been treated for, etc.? Anyway, Jennifer walked away from a 4 1/2 year relationship because the guy didn't want to marry her.
Ben next asks about her lifestyle... she's an 8 to 5, structured kind of girl (an accountant). Can she handle Ben's unpredictable public appearances and general blowing off of his winery duties to promote himself schedule wine maker schedule? She says yes. I wonder if Ben is thinking "You know, I don't want to marry this chick... but I bet she'd do a bang up job taking care of our books! I should hire her when this is over."
Back at the hotel, the girls can't help but notice the rain too. Somehow, this leads to talk about Jennifer. Courtney says she seems really normal. When I say someone seems really normal, I mean it as a compliment. Courtney, not so much. Ugh. Normal is the worst. Guys totally dig insane, mean, awful women. Okay, Ben actually does seem to... but I think we can agree Ben is not normal. Naturally, other girls are off talking about Courtney. And getting their hair done.
And drinking. And getting emotional. It was at this point that the chemicals soaked into Emily's brain and she decides to tell Ben how Courtney is different around them than around him. To quote her, she doesn't want Ben to "fall for the vegan, raw, doe-eyed model who doesn't know which way is up thing". Wait, Courtney is a vegan / raw foodist? That makes sense in that she's a Hollywood type, but she was quite excited about the puncturing the lip of a fish... so I'm guessing if she's a vegan it's for skinniness reasons and not animal welfare reasons. Especially considering the way she couldn't wait to ship Ben's dog off on their date in the forest. Ugh.
(PS: I just noticed that Blakeley appears to be using a toothbrush to do Emily's highlights. So you got bleach and foil and gloves, but no brush? Weird. Unless that's Courtney's toothbrush. In which case, carry on!)
Okay, back to the date. Ben runs through the run to get Jennifer a rose. Only, after his speech about running in the rain, he found out it was no longer raining. Ooops. Anyway, she gets the rose and they head off for one more adventure.
A Clay Walker concert! Whoo hoo! Because Ben is so country! Mostly I noticed that they are either standing on a platform or everyone is seated and they are standing or something because they are taller than everyone else at the show.
They work their way down front and begin dancing. Ben is singing along. Jennifer is holding the rose. It's all very nauseating romantic. Jennifer talks about "Ben and I" incorrectly a few times. Then she says she can't believe Ben put all this together for her. Yeah, because Ben and Clay Walker go way back. Remember when I said I didn't have much negative to say about Jennifer? Cancel that.
At long last, the Cocktail Party.
Right off the bat, Emily says to Ben "One girl here is different around you than the rest of the girls". Want to guess what I keyed in on? Yep. "...rest of the girls..." So Ben is one of the girls? Well, given his hair and the handwriting we're supposed to believe is his, that actually makes sense. Anyway, when Ben finds out it's Courtney, he stonewalls the conversation. After all, who would you believe? The PhD candidate or the model?
Ben ends by telling her that over-analyzing other people's behavior will just cause her to go crazy and, in the end, will be her demise. Did he just threated to kill her for talking bad about Courtney?!
Well, he can take a number! Casey S. and Emily start talking. Emily says that she talked to Ben about Courtney. Casey S. says "She's my best friend in the house..." Emily, rather than backtracking, keeps talking. Of course, because this is 7th grade, Casey tells Courtney. Courtney gets all fired up. Wait, why? I thought she didn't care about these girls and she was soooo confident.
She is particularly hung up on the fact that Emily said she was mean. Mean?! Not Courtney! Courtney responds by telling us: "I'm a nice person. Don't eff with me. I want to rip her head off and verbally assault her. I don't start fights, I finish them. She should watch herself." Yeah, now that I think about it, she sounds exactly like Mother Teresa. Nice people always threaten verbal and physical violence.
While this is happening, Ben and Nicki are outside catching snowflakes on their tongue. Then making out. Or, wait for it.... swapping snowflakes.
Inside, KCB asks the girls how many of them have learned more about themselves in the past two weeks than the previous several years. Most of the girls raise their hands. Not Courtney. Nice Person Courtney says she feels like she's in a sorority. (Um, you kind of are.) She then insists that she knows herself really well. Then she proceeds to go off on Emily about her conversation with Ben. Emily says "Let's be adults". Courtney tells her repeatedly how stupid she looks. And Courtney should know all about looking stupid...
She also says "Winning" again. Talk about wanting to verbally assault someone and rip their head off...
Ben and Chris Harrison appear to start the Rose Ceremony. Or have a battle to see who is wearing the skinniest skinny tie. I can't wait for this fad to pass. Anyway, it reminded me of when Derek Zoolander and Hansel have a runway walk off...
Ben clearly wins the tie off and get to hand out roses.
He talks about what a monumental night it's been. The camera, I'm sure coincidentally, zooms in on Blakeley's chest. My husband makes some jokes about monuments, and even adds his own "duh-dum-chee" rimshot sound. Oh, boy. Let's just hand out these roses, okay?!
Rachel, Jennifer, and Dr. Evil already have roses.
Lindzi: I intentionally left you off the horseback riding date because I didn't want to hear you ramble on about horses anymore... but you're country, like me... so here's a rose.
Jamie: For no other reason than making it 4 episodes without any significance, I award you this flower
Nicki: You kissed me. I'm a pretty easy sell.
KCB: See above. Plus, you're whiny... which reads a little desperate. I dig that.
Elyse: Still afraid you'll beat me up.
Blakeley: We're going to Puerto Rico next week, which will involve bikinis, so naturally, I'd like you to be there.
Casey S: I don't understand the weird dress you're wearing, but Courtney says I have to keep you anyway.
And finally, the runner up to the stupidest tie of the night, comes out to tell us there's one rose remaining. Will it be Monica, who has done nothing significant except flirt with a girl the first night... or Emily, who stirs up drama. Hmmm...
Emily: Maybe we can get some more mileage out of the whole you hating Courtney thing.
Ben walks Monica out. She gives a good performance in the limo but says nothing noteworthy.
Ben returns to tell the girls they are going to Puerto Rico (where, by the way, the locals thought the Bachelor shoots were a porno. Seriously.) Dr. Evil Courtney chimes in that she was just there two months ago. Oh, well, good for you. Ben says "Um, then let's go back" or something dumb. They raise their glasses for a pointless toast. Dr. Evil comments that she can raise hers higher than everyone else. She's such a nice person. I can't wait for her and Ben to go skinny dipping next week. I'm sure that won't cause any problems.
So, that's all for this week. My radio recap can be found HERE. If you don't like it, feel free to verbally assault me and rip my head off... as long as you're a nice person.
