In case you were wondering how my afternoon went...

I have no delusions of becoming the next Hyperbole and a Half but, pictures being worth a thousand words and all, I thought it might be easier to just show you how my day went...

You know what would be awesome? If it was the only time this had happened rather than just the most recent. And also if I actually had the hair or body type I seem to have drawn for myself in the last picture.

Christmas Card: 2011 edition

After some debate and many, many whistles, jingling keys, and the like to get furry family members to look at the camera, we finally got our Christmas cards made and mailed. As it's really the only part of Christmas I enjoy, I'm always pretty excited to share our cards with everyone.

If I wasn't able to send you one in the mail, please accept my electronic wishes...

Though last year's "I'm going to kill you in your sleep" pose from the cat was pretty fantastic, this year she agreed not to maul me if I would agree not to put a silly hat on her head. Deal.

And, for my 2012 New Year's Resolution... no new pets. Seriously, it's becoming difficult to find a card with enough spots!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

The Language Barrier (AKA You can't wear a sled on your head!)

My occasional confusion between my Northern roots and my Southern residence has been well documented. Like when I became offended because I thought "pole cat" was a racial slur. (In fact, it's a skunk.) Or when I couldn't understand how a dry county could butt up against a wet one. I mean, if it rained here, why wouldn't it rain a few miles away? (In fact, a dry county just doesn't sell alcohol.)

Almost 15 years in, I expected I'd have a better handle on things. But, as recently as yesterday, I thought "hoecake" was just someone trying to type "hotcake" on their iPhone. (In fact, it's a cornmeal pancake. And it has nothing to do with the culinary preferences for women of ill repute.)

And let's just talk about the hybrid vocabulary I've developed. And can't keep straight. You remember that regional dialect quiz that came out a few years ago? I confound the thing. Part of my answers say "Southern" part say "Great Lakes" or "Chicago area". I've taken it several times and which part I favored varies wildly.

Another challenge? I'm married to the epitome of a Southern boy. We often have a language barrier to cross. Sometimes we just don't understand each other's pronunciation. Other times, it's the actual word being used. For example:

Me: The neighbors are having a rummage sale.

Him: A what?

Me: You know, where you put your crap outside and people stop and buy it.

Him: A yard sale? That's a yard sale.

Him: This one time, some kids rolled a house...

Me: How? Like a mobile home?

Him: What?

Me: I mean, you can't just roll a house unless it's on wheels or something.

Him:  No, they rolled it. At night. They threw toilet paper in all the trees.

Me: They TP'ed it!

Him: No. They aren't Indians.

Me: I can't remember the Arkansas word for the road alongside the main road. Is it an access road or a frontage road?
Him: Why is this so important? You ask EVERY time we see one.

Me: I don't know. It just is. So which one is it?
Him: I can't remember either. You've gotten me so confused...

Me: How do we say "roof" down here? Because in Illinois everyone says either "rooooof" or "ruff" and everyone is Arkansas says it the other way.

Him: It's "roooof". "Ruff" is what a dog says.

It's not just limited to my husband and me, of course. My friends notice too. Icing vs. Frosting has come up a few times. I've been called out for saying "gym shoes" instead of "tennis shoes". And, yeah, yeah, I know I put an L in the word "both". (Illinois friends, try it... you just said "bolth", didn't you? I know! I had no idea we did that! Kind of like how people from Wisconsin don't realize they put a G in state's name. Wiz-GON-sin.)

Still, for the most part, I can laugh at the regional differences. I can use context clues to figure out what people are talking about. I can bite my Yankee tongue when a Southerner tells me about the "welp" on their arm. (In fact, it's "welt".) But... BUT... there is one thing I just can't get on board with... and this is the prime time of year for the debate.

I feel strongly enough about this that I made picture. Please, take note...

Seriously, The South, this has to stop. Every time I hear someone say they got a new toboggan, I picture a sled. But, lo and behold, people here use it to mean hat or stocking cap. This baffles me. BAFFLES ME!

Look, this isn't about who won the war or how stupid it sounds when people order "pop" about a restaurant. It's about winter words. Common logic dictates that we defer to the North when it comes to winter knowledge. Just like the North should defer to the South when it comes to bacon or whisky or hospitality. Please, just trust me on this one. You sled down a hill on a toboggan. You don't wear it on your head. I mean, yeah, when you're going back up the hill, you might carry it overhead in the same way you carry a canoe, but you don't WEAR it on your head. No one goes to Walmart with a sled on their head. And believe me, if it was going to happen somewhere, it would be at Walmart.

I love the South. I really do. It's full of sweet tea and glorious fried deliciousness and SEC football and Jesus and many other things that make my heart happy. I've learned so much here. All I ask is that you let me teach you this one thing. A toboggan is a sled. Period.

But really, is it access road or frontage road? Or service road? I'm so confused...

Movie Review: Breaking Dawn

For the first time since the Twlight movies began, I didn't see the most recent one (Breaking Dawn) the weekend it opened. Or the following weekend. Or until just a few days ago. But, I assume most of the die-hard "Don't tell me a thing that happens" fans have already seen it by now and those waiting for the DVD don't care too much... so I can tell you what I thought without being too worried about spoiling things for someone.

If you've been reading my blog since the beginning, you might remember me being all "TWILIGHT ROCKS!" and then stepping back from that as time passed. Kind of like how I was so excited about the first movie when I saw it in the theater. But hated it by the time the DVD came around. Anyway, I do like the books. I do not like the movies as much. I always think I do and then I don't. And, after giving it some thought, it's not like my feelings towards Harry Potter. With HP, I love love love the books so much... and I love love the movies. The only thing that keeps the movies from getting that third love is that they do make some changes to the books that weren't necessary and I don't like that. But, overall, I've loved all the books and movies. Twilight, not so much.

Okay, back to Breaking Dawn. For a lot of people, it was their least favorite book in the series. I, however, did like it. I thought the ending fizzled and I thought Jacob imprinting on Nessie was a bit of a cop-out, but all in all, I liked it.

But the movie? I'm not sure. I don't think I liked it. But I don't think I didn't like it. Confused? Me too.

There were quite a few differences from the book... but I've come to expect that with this series. Throughout the movie, they weren't that bad (the wedding outside instead of in their house, Irina coming, stuff with Jacob's pack...) but the last 20 minutes or so, whoa. The birth scene (which wasn't as graphic as I expected) where Bella's all but dead... Edward hands her the baby and they snuggle and giggle and whatnot. Then she "crashes" and he starts injecting her with venom. Um, dude, your wife is dying. Rapidly. Maybe get straight to the venom stabbing. And then, soon after that, with the wolf fight outside the house? What the...

But the thing that struck me the most was how cheesy some stuff came off. Now, if you're not a Twi-hard, I know you're thinking "Lady! They are ALL cheesy!!" but, for the most part, I haven't found them any cheesier than a lot of sci-fi / fantasy type movies. But this one? Hmm...

For example, when Jacob refuses to bow to Sam and eventually breaks off as the true Alpha... in the book, I know they were in wolf form, but I still heard it with just normal Jacob and Sam voices. No biggie. In the movie, their voices are (well, I don't know the fancy sound effect-y term) all echoy and deep and fake sounding. It just made it bizarre. I leaned over to my mom (who hasn't read the books) and said "This didn't seem as corny in the book." She made a "Well, that's good... because it's corny here" face.

Still, I could put ALL of that aside and enjoy the movie had it not been for one crucial piece that was left out.

You know on the honeymoon... the morning after... Bella wakes up covered in feathers. She says "Why am I covered in feathers?" and Edward says "I bit a pillow." COME ON! That part was awesome, right?! Yeah, it's not in the movie. I mean, she wakes up with, like, 3 feathers on her and never mentions it. WHAT?! KILLING ME!!!

(Oh, and a word about the honeymoon... apparently a lot of parents were up in arms about it. Let me just say that I thought it was in keeping with a PG-13 movie. Sure, it's a lot more hinted at in the book whereas it's shown in the movie... but it's not porn. It wasn't anything worse than a TV drama. Not as bad as a soap opera. If people don't want their kids to see something of that nature, I totally respect that. But if you let your kid watch Grey's Anatomy, then they've already seen way more than Breaking Dawn will show them.)

And finally, how was Kristen Stewart? Awful. As per usual. Though, I've got to say, watching her portray an almost-corpse was pretty much like watching her give an interview on TV. So, at least she's consistent.

Bottom line: If you haven't seen it in the theater by now, just go ahead and wait for the DVD. I give it a C. It was just that... average. At least Jackson Rathbone keeps getting hotter and hotter.