Bachelor Pad, Week 4: The Michael-Holly-Blake-Melissa Love Square

It's Week 4 of Bachelor Pad... and I think we can all agree that the most impressive part thus far is that anyone is still watching. Or that no one on the show has killed another housemate. Seriously, y'all, these people are extra crazy. Or I'm crazy for watching it. But I think we've long since established my questionable sanity. Anyway...

This week picks up where last week left off. Remember the whole dramatic "Kasey..." and then the screen went black? And some people were like "He was about to say 'Kasey, I'm sorry...' and let Jake stay!" Yet, as expected, it was Jake who went home. Since they held it over for another week, I was hoping there would be some major drama as Jake exited. (I will not make a midget wrestling joke. I will not make a midget wrestling joke...) Instead, Jake said a few words about how they are sending the wrong guy home and anyone who is serious about winning better get serious about eliminating the power couples. Then he, once again, apologizes to Vienna. He gets in the limo and leaves. But not before Kasey - THREE TIMES - says "Kick rocks, dude". I mean, the only thing more lame than that would be if he threw up the deuces. Oh, wait...

Jake tells us his main goal in coming here was to apologize to Vienna and try to find forgiveness, which he thinks he did. I don't remember exactly how he said it, but roughly translated, he did his part. If she still hates him, that's her problem. He then says how crazy the house is and that the $250,000 wasn't worth staying there anyway.

Kasey, on the other hand, is gloating about getting rid of Jake. He says the devil is gone. And that he (Kasey) is the strongest strategist in the house. Now, you probably read that as strategist... like "strat-a-gist", right? Well, Kasey pronounced it "stra-tee-gist". I guess we better all convert to his way. After all, he has a shirt declaring him a Jenius.

Vienna thanks everyone for keeping Kasey. Erica tells us that she's tired of Kasey and Vienna, with their smug, ugly expressions on their ugly little faces. Wow. Again, it's not that I disagree, it's just that Erica is really mean about looks.

Fortunately, we fast-forward to the next morning. Chris Harrison arrives to summon everyone to the challenge. And to, once again, alarm me with his attire. Seriously, where are Clinton and Stacey? This guy needs to surrender his wardrobe in exchange for a $5,000 fashion makeover.

Chris informs everyone that today's challenge is the kissing contest! So, everyone pop an extra Valtrex and head outside. (Valtrex doesn't just treat those kind of herpes... it can help with frequent cold sores, too. Or so I've been told.)

Momification

Uh-oh! Something annoyed me and now I'm blogging about it before I've counted to 10 or massaged my earlobes and chanted "Wooo-saaaa". I should probably apologize in advance. I'm not going to... but I probably should.

So what was it this time? People who spit chewing tobacco on the ground when the trash can is 4 feet away? Garbage bag companies that think I should buy black bags to hide the fact that my trash is dirty? Nope, already did those things.

Today: Momification

No, no... not mummification. Momification.

When ordinary things are turned into Mom things.

This is slightly different than Mommyjacking - where everything is turned into something about your kids.

I don't have kids. So no, I can't even imagine what it's like to push a human out of your privates or to have a child puke on your face in the middle of the night. I get that parenthood is a whole realm I can't even fathom. Which is why that's not what this post is about. Instead, it's about things I CAN fathom.

Like crock pots. I have one. I use it quite often. Yet, I'm not sure if I can join the Crock Pot Girls Facebook page. I mean, the information section clearly states that it's a "a great way us moms can exchange crock pot recipes".  I guess I fail to meet the basic requirements.

Like I said in my tweet, why is this a mom thing? And yes, I'm singling this group out... but only because I saw it most recently. The internet is rife with other examples. Blogs for thrifty moms. Cleaning tips every mom should know. Exercise routines for busy moms. Etc. Etc. Etc. I guess my lack of children means I have to waste money, be filthy and out of shape, and that I'm not busy.

Don't misunderstand me: I'm all for finding community. Certainly there are some things for which parents need the support of other parents. I'm not likely to jump in a conversation about breastfeeding or how to get your toddler to sleep in his own bed. I know I'm not qualified to discuss those areas. So, if you want to use Facebook to say "Hey moms, my 3 year old is doing X. Anyone else been through this and have suggestions?" have at it! (I would say "That's what friends are for", but then that song will be stuck in my head all afternoon...)

Just please, please stop labeling things as Mom that aren't exclusive to parents.

Having a crock pot, for example, has nothing to do with having a uterus.

This week can bite me

I don't like weeks where the only thing I blog about is a movie I saw or my ridiculous Bachelor-related recaps. Yet, this seems to be one of those. So I'm trying to rectify it and actually post about my life. You know, what I've been up to this week and that sort of thing and how I've said "bite me" more this week than I have since the mid-90s.

I mean, after all, Monday night, Michael Stagliano tweeted me. How could I not have an awesome week after that?!

Well, let's see...

First, there was Budgetpocalypse. This consisted of me deciding to categorize 90 days worth of expenditures to get an idea where all our money goes every month. When I realized how much of it goes towards eating out, I had a slight nervous breakdown. Which, of course, caused me to stress eat. And decide that I couldn't deal with the budget in my compromised mental state. Yeah, maybe another time...

Um, I choked while eating dinner the other night. That was awesome. It felt like I was still choking for an hour after. Plus, I kept hearing my mom's voice in my head. "Well, if you would chew your food better..." "I've told you not to talk with food in your mouth!"

My work computer got a virus. It opened - I'm not kidding - 100 pop up windows. And each one made that little pop-up "bleerp" sound. I nearly shot it. Except I'm not allowed to keep a gun in my desk.

Oh, my floating wood floors in the living room? ACTUALLY FLOATING!! We'd noticed some moisture coming up at a couple of seams. But, as they are cheap laminate and we have fur children who lie there directly after playing outside in the water or drag wet washcloths from the bathroom and such, we didn't worry about it. But it got worse. So I formulated a theory at the concrete slab was sweating. It was 110° outside and 70° inside, so it seemed feasible. And some handymen-types agreed with me. But, yeah, when the floors started actually squishing yesterday, we realized it's probably a bigger problem. Like a leak from the ice maker or something. Ugh. If only we had a "home repair" category in the budget. But alas, that would take away from the "pizza" category.

And then, this morning... I found a cricket leg on my chest. Not on my t-shirt. On my chest, under my shirt. Which means that there was a cricket feeling me up while I was sleeping. *shiver*

All in all, I'm alive and healthy. I have a house. There's not a massive hurricane bearing down on me. I know things could be worse. But this week? Not my favorite.

But hey, a new level of Angry Birds just came out... so things are already starting to look up! And this made me laugh. Yeah, it could be considered mean and unfair, but it still made me laugh. 

Not sure of the source - got it in an email. From a friend with teeth.

Bachelor Pad 2, Week 3: Trailer Park Trash & a Tattooed Guy

You know those people who are all "Oh! My! Goodness! A celebrity tweeted me?!" and then they squeal... or worse yet, scream "WOOT! WOOT!"? Yeah, I'm so glad I'm not one of them. I mean, it's only Twitter. And half the time, it's barely a woot-worthy celebrity.

And you know how I'm like "Meh. I watch the Bachelor / Bachelorette / Bachelor Pad just so I can make fun of people and feel better about myself. I don't like these lunatics or anything."?

So, when you combine those two facts, it would probably be completely inappropriate for me to be all

 "MICHAEL STAGLIANO TWEETED ME LAST NIGHT!!! WOOT!! WOOT!!!"

Right? Okay, then I won't.

But he did.

I'm sure we'll calmly address that later. (Or you can skip ahead and listen to my radio recap if you're just dying to know. It's okay to admit it.)

Oh, this week? Yeah, let's get to that. First up, there was plenty of talk about how crazy Melissa is. She, once again, unloads on Blake about how he played her and he flirts with Holly and totally ignores her when Holly is around and how she's been sneaking in the bathroom after him to scoop up any stray hairs in case science advances to the point where they can clone him and that sort of thing. Then she goes to Holly and says that Blake is scum. That she and Blake were "hooking up all night" and now he's flirting with you (Holly).

I realize "hooking up" can mean any level of physical what-have-you. But, am I the only one who tends to reserve it for actually, you know, doing it? When I hear someone "hooked up", I assume there was a No Pants Party. Not that you made out. I call making out, well, making out. Hopefully everyone dismisses most of what Melissa says as the ramblings of an insane person and doesn't think her and Blake actually hooked up. Not that I give a crap about Blake, but some things are just too sad to even warrant a rumor. This would be one of them.

Moving on, the show has been on over 30 seconds and Kasey hasn't mouthed off about Jake... wait, wait... Kasey mouths off about Jake. This time, he says he doesn't understand why Jake is still there.

He must have alligator blood or something.

So, I researched it... tiger blood is more powerful but alligator blood also has magical properties.

By this point, I'm actually starting to miss Chris Harrison. Someone needs to get in here and stir up some new drama. This Kasey and Jake / Blake and Melissa business is getting old. Chris Harrison? Paging Chris Harrison!

Okay, so I don't know how to talk like a dude. But Chris is definitely dressed like someone who would say "Brocephus". And, since the picture is grainy, you can't tell that that's a Henley under the button up. Yep, two sets of buttons. And why is he wearing a watch? I don't understand people who wear watches in 2011. I know he has a cell phone. He uses it to tweet grammatically-incorrect propaganda all the time. Ditch the watch, brah! And can we get on with the challenge already? Pretty please?

In which I watch Fried Green Tomatoes for the first time...

Every time I think I've gotten the hang of this "life in the South" thing, something new comes up that causes people to bless my heart. You know? "You don't like pecan pie? Well, bless your heart..."

One of the most dramatic reactions came the first time I stated that I'd never watched Fried Green Tomatoes or Steel Magnolias. I mentioned it to my friend Kerri. And not long after that, she and Savannah had the idea for the Southern Girl Academy. I don't think it was entirely coincidental. Or, it was and I'm just a big narcissist. Yet, even though they let me teach the lesson on Yankees moving south, no one checked my credentials to discover that I still hadn't watched either of these movies.

Last week, I mentioned it again to a couple ladies at church. I thought they might faint. Tyra audibly gasped. (Yes, her name is Tyra. Isn't that a fabulous name for a Southern lady?) Sandra -my church mom- looked at me like she was going to disown me.

Well, apparently they know people at CMT and pulled some strings, because both movies were on over the weekend. I haven't watched Steel Magnolias yet, but I spent Friday night watching Fried Green Tomatoes. And, because I'm a big narcissist I thought I should record my thoughts as I watched it. Yes, these are my actual, real-time thoughts. I made notes. Shocking, right? (If you haven't seen the movie, you may as well stop reading here. Not because I feel the need to say "Spoiler Alert" on a 20 year old movie... but because I can't imagine this will make any sense if you haven't seen the movie.)

7:03 That's a cool car. I feel sad it's ruined.
7:04 Is this the old movie where Kathy Bates kills that guy? Probably not.
7:06 Enemas? I'm scared.
7:08 Chris O'Donnell? That's more like it...
7:11 Wow. That girl is wearing a giant bow.
7:12 Was that the girl with the big bow? Is she wearing boys' clothes now? Is she going to be a cross-dresser? <Pause to work on this cake>
<7:51 Resume movie>
7:51 Mary Louise Parker? Score!
7:53 If Chris O'Donnell gets run over by a train, I'm turning off this movie!!! 7:54 What the!! This movie sucks!!
7:56 A marriage seminar? The teacher reminds me of Blanche Devereaux. I'm still
mad about Chris O'Donnell. Oh, good heavens! Is Kathy Bates wearing a Saran wrap
dress? Why would people tell me to watch this?! <Pause because my sister and her family stopped by>

8:42 Yikes! I've had Kathy Bates in Saran wrap paused on my TV for nearly an
hour. I may need therapy.
8:46 I'm confused. Did she not actually do the Saran wrap thing?
8:48 Kathy Bates keeps giving this old woman sweets. Has she even checked that
the woman isn't diabetic? 8:58 "She took the midnight going aaaaannyyyywhere...."
9:01 Bees. *shudder* And are Itchy and Ruth on a date?
9:07 I hate movies that jump from past to pres... uh... did she just say
'vaginas'?!
9:16 So are Itchy and Ruth in love or not? I'm so confused.
9:25 Ok, we're finally to this cafe...
9:31 Food fight!
9:33 The KKK? The ex-husband? This is not going to go well...
9:49 Did I miss this To Wanda thing? Who is Wanda? Or is it Tawanda? Oh, that's the thing Itchy made up, right? Maybe I remember something about that. "I'm older and have more insurance." LOL!
9:52 Are those Mary Kay cases? I'm scared.
9:53 The hobo guy is back! I like him!
9:54 What is with these people and train tracks?! An arm funeral? Ok. That's a
little funny. 10:04 I like this judge!!
10:10 Fried green tomatoes instead of birthday cake? Pass.
10:11 What? Ruth has cancer? I may hate this movie.
10:18 Seriously. Worst movie ever.
10:20 Aww, the hobo loved Ruth.
10:25 What? Mrs. Threadgoode died? Is anyone going to be alive by the end of the
movie?
10:26 Oh, whew. She's alive.
10:30 Way to go, Sipsey!!
10:33 Did they cook Frank Bennett?! I feel like they... yep. They cooked him. 10:34 "The secret's in the sauce." Oh, now I get it!! Gross. But awesome.
10:37 Well, it's about time we get to the part where Itchy and Mrs. Threadgoode
are the same person, in case anyone didn't see that coming in the first 10 minutes.
10:38 The end? So Itchy and Ruth *were* in love, right? And did Kathy Bates'
husband get mad Old Itchy moved in? What ever happened to the one armed kid? Am
I supposed to be having some transcendent Southern moment right now? I don't
think I am. Unless pie is involved. I could go for some pie...

Overall impression: Um, just okay. (Who just gasped? I heard it!) I didn't hate it... even though two of my favorite actors died. But I did Wikipedia it. That's when I realized "Itchy" is actually "Idgie". And that, just like I said all along, she and Ruth were lovers in the book the movie is based on. I TOLD you!! If the movie was going to leave the storyline out, the ladies should have just been platonic best friends and not obviously in love. It was awkward. But at least I was right. After all, that's what matters most. Oh, and at the end of the book Itchy/Idgie/Ninny/Mrs. Threadgoode did die. I actually am glad that changed in the movie. They killed off Chris O'Donnell and Mary Lousie Parker. I would have been super mad if they would've killed off Miss Daisy, er, Jessica Tandy too!

I'll watch Steel Magnolias this week. I'm assured I'll like it better. Don't worry... I'll let you know!

Movie Review: The Help

A few days ago, I saw the movie The Help. Since then, I've debated if I should attempt a review or not. For one thing, books made into movies - especially books I love - are always touchy. I end up on some tangent about every detail of the book that was left out of the movie, even though I know full well that some things have to change to tell the story on-screen in 2 hours. But, anyway, it always gets my blood pressure up. But, more than that, I debated because you can't discuss The Help without discussing racism and hate and other topics that make me really, really mad. And are generally a lot heavier than my typical blog fodder.

Nevertheless, here I am, reviewing The Help. Pretend I'm a serious adult for a few minutes, okay?

If you're not familiar with the story, it takes place in the 1960s in Jackson, Mississippi. One of the main characters, Skeeter, is an aspiring journalist and author. Much to the dismay of her mother and her friends in the Junior League, she is unmarried and more focused on her career than finding a man. She manages to find a job at the local paper writing a housecleaning column. She knows nothing about cleaning and asks her friend, Elizabeth, if it would be okay to ask Elizabeth's maid - Aibileen - how to answer some of the questions. Elizabeth agrees.

Aibileen and Skeeter begin working on the column. In the meantime, Hilly - another friend and the president of their Junior League chapter - drafts an initiative to require all white homes have an outside bathroom for the black help to use. Skeeter's lack of excitement over this, as well as her budding friendship with Aibileen, start to drive a wedge between Skeeter and her friends. However, the more Skeeter talks to Aibileen, the more she realizes the way the help is treated. She decides she'd like to write a book from the perspective of the help. To find out what it's like to work for a white family, how they feel about the way they are treated, etc. Naturally, Aibileen dismisses this idea as crazy. It could, quite literally, get her killed. And, even if Aibileen agreed to it, no other maid in her right mind would help.

But, eventually, they decide to go ahead. The maids begin to share their stories. Of the families they've worked for. Of what it feels like to be a black woman in the segregated 1960s.

Okay, got all that? Obviously the story goes into great detail of their experiences, as well as a lot of information about Skeeter and her friends.

Now, the movie. I wouldn't say it was better or worse than the book. There were parts of the movie I enjoyed more than the book and parts of the book I enjoyed more than the movie. You definitely need to see / read both. The book is quite long, so the movie obviously had to condense parts and move through some things quickly. As a result, I felt like some of the characters were a little one-sided. The major details came across pretty well, with the exception of the storyline regarding Skeeter's family's maid - Constantine - and her daughter. I won't go into detail in case you haven't read / seen it yet - but it was more interesting in the book. The ending, however, I liked better in the movie. It wrapped up more neatly. Yeah, that's more "Hollywood"... but I thought it worked. The book went into more details after the main events transpired, but then kind of left off abruptly. I like neat packages better.

All in all, a great movie. Funny enough to be entertaining, serious enough to be eye-opening. And some of the best casting and acting I've seen in a long time. Definitely an A.

For me, though, this was more than a book or a movie. It actually made me think and ask questions and become invested. It made me mad. It made me sad. It made me realize how different my life experiences have been compared to other people my age, and especially to people a generation ago. I don't want to do a whole blog-within-a-blog thing, so I'll try to keep this to a manageable length, but this story did strike a chord with me.

As I've mentioned many times here, I grew up in Illinois. Race wasn't a big factor. I mean, sure, there were always the jerks that made inappropriate jokes or stereotypical comments, but the general climate was accepting. I moved to the south for college. It was after I married a southerner that I heard the N word used for "real". I mean, I'd heard it in rap lyrics and movies and the occasional awful joke, but I'd never heard anyone just randomly use it in a sentence like it was no big deal. We were at a funeral for my husband's uncle. Some older men were standing around talking. Somehow we got pulled into the conversation. When that word was used, my husband said "I saw the color drain from your face." I said "I've never heard anyone say it and mean it before." He was surprised. Of course, it's not a word he uses or a sentiment he feels in any way, but it wasn't the first time he'd heard it like that. It's been probably 7 years and it still rattles me to think about. It made me realize how much deeper the problem had run here.

Then, as I prepared to watch this movie, Savannah and I were discussing some of the subjects. I said basically what I've said here. It was really eye-opening for me because I didn't grow up with the vestiges of racism and segregation like apparently people here had. She asked if my parents remembered much about it when they grew up. I said "No. I've asked my dad before and I'm sure he said no." But, to be certain, I called him last night. I asked if he remembered separate entrances or bathrooms or anything. His answer "No. Well, I mean, we saw it on TV happening in the south. But we just thought it was crazy." 

What's really crazy? The difference a few hundred miles made. I mean, I'm not saying it never went on in the north. Just that, by the time my dad grew up, it was only a memory. Unlike the experience of people his age who grew up in the south. You know, I'll always feel like I'm caught between two worlds... the Northern me and the Southern me. But, in this case, the clear advantage goes to the Northern me. I'm glad I grew up without race being a factor. I don't mean to imply that my southern friends were raised with prejudiced forced on them. I know the vast majority were not. Just that it seems like there was less distance from the past for them.  Yet, now that I live in the south and may someday raise children here, I'm glad a book / movie like The Help came along to help (no pun intended) me understand. As a country, we've done some pretty awful stuff. You can't hide from the past, you can just learn from it. I realize now that I've got a lot more to learn.

Bachelor Pad 2, Week 2: Fuschia makes you faster

Before we get commence with the recapping and the fun making over this week's episode, I want to take a second and send prayers and good wishes to Michelle Money and her family. Her dad lost his battle with cancer a couple of days ago. Cancer sucks. Period. Michelle has stated several times that if she wins any money on Bachelor Pad, she will donate a portion of it to cancer research. I'm sure she won't object if you want to do the same.

Whew. Deep breath. Okay, onto the episode.  This week, I'm going to try telling the story with the aid of many pictures. Because some of this stuff just has to be seen to be believed. And also, you know I love labeling pictures.

Right off the bat, we get more trash talk from the Triangle of Annoyance. Triangle King Kasey says that anyone who doesn't choose a side (presumably him versus Jake, I guess) is going to get cancelled. Cancelled? He knows these are people and not magazine subscriptions, right? Who knows. After that, he says a lot of stuff about how he is mentally beating up Jake. For his part, Jake says he thinks people are starting to realize he's not the jerk he was portrayed as. Although, in reality, I think everyone still thinks Jake is a jerk. Just thinks Kasey and Vienna are even bigger jerks. No one here is free of jerkitude.

Before the Triangle can annoy us further, Chris Harrison intercedes and calls everyone out for the challenge. This week, the guys will be blindfolded, facing backwards, and have targets airbrushed onto their backs. The girls will come out -one at a time- and be asked a question ("Who is the least attractive?" "Who should go home next?" etc.) She will throw a paint-filled egg at the guy she thinks fits the description. If the egg breaks anywhere on his body, she gets a point. If she misses, no point. Why it was paint-filled eggs, I don't know. Why they painted a target on their backs if the egg can hit anywhere and still count, I don't know.

The girls take aim. Answers vary for "Who are you least attracted to?" and "Who least deserves to be here?" However, for "Who should go home this week?", the girls overwhelmingly pelt Jake. And how "Least deserves to be here" is that different from "Should go home", I don't know.

Melissa successfully hits the most guys, so she wins a rose.

Next, everyone switches roles. The girls are blindfolded and ready to be smacked with paint-filled eggs. Except Erica, who says she doesn't really think anyone has a problem with her... but doesn't really care as long as none of the paint gets in her hair.

For "Who would be most likely to cheat on you if you were dating?" Jake tells the camera that he is obviously choosing Vienna because she cheated on him with at least three guys while they were dating. Yikes.

For "Who do you find least attractive?" nearly everyone hits Erica. She got paint in her hair. Michael wins, but feels awful that he won at Erica's expense.

Erica is upset, obviously. She says she's hurt because she's actually very curvaceous. Nothing on her is fake, unlike half the girls in the house. If she had stopped there, I would have been all "You go, girl!" but, of course, she continued by saying that Ella is "way bigger" than her and she doesn't think Ella is pretty. Um, what did Ella do to get drug into this? And, for the record, when Ella fixes her hair, I think she's quite pretty. Plus, not big. No one on this show is big enough to be described as "way bigger" than anyone. Now I just think Erica is mean. I'm glad she got paint in her hair.

Hi there, Neighbor!

This morning on B98 (you know, the station that's cool enough to let me prattle on about the Bachelor every week), there was a trivia question to win theme parks tickets. Awesomely, Savannah called in and got the answer right. Yay, her!!

The question was "43% of people don't know this about their neighbors".  Savannah's winning answer was:

THEIR NAMES

Whaaa? No way!! 43% of people don't have any idea what to call the people who live near them? 43% of people in our neighborhood don't know MY name?! This can't be!!

I quickly texted Savannah the names of all my neighbors. She responded with the names of all her neighbors. I guess we are just that much more awesome than the rest of you.

Seriously, people. How hard is it to learn who lives next door or across the street? I'm not very outgoing and yet I know everyone. I even made a picture so you can know them too. You're welcome.

I know, I know. I live in one of those cookie-cutter neighborhoods where all the houses look alike. But, you should still stop by and say hello. We're a friendly bunch.

Naked Guy isn't always naked. And it wasn't exactly his fault my husband saw him in such a state. I mean, why wouldn't you stand in front of your window and night with all your lights on and all your clothes off? Duh. When he's clothed, he's pretty decent. I mean, the lady who lives next door is somewhere else taking care of an ill family member or is the ill family member or something... and Naked Guy looks after of her lawn in exchange for parking his camper in her driveway.

Scary but OK Guy just moved in. He's only scary because he knocked on my door at 10:30 the other night. And is bald. And had a scruffy goatee. But he was coming to let us know that some kids were messing with Naked Guy's camper. So that's definitely ok.

Smokes-a-lot Lady keeps to herself, so that's cool. And better than the previous tenant. Suicidal Guy. (Note: Suicidal Guy just moved. He didn't succeed.)

Josh's mom might be named Laura. So that totally counts. Plus, I can tell you exactly what she looks like. Bonus points, right?

Both Danielles and Nikki are really good neighbors.

And Goose with Clothes Lady isn't too bad. I mean, I've never actually spoken to her because how much can I really have in common with a person who has a cement goose in seasonal attire sitting on her porch? But she keeps her yard mowed, so it's cool.

Seriously, y'all. My neighborhood rocks. I couldn't fit them all in my picture but I know pretty much everyone else too. There's Grumpy Guy. Cat Guy. Girl who works with my sister. Chuck. My parents. My sister. (Yes, in the same neighborhood. But on a different street.) All the people on the street behind me. Christopher. Lady Chunder had a crush on. Trashy Fireworks People. Lisa. That girl I met at Cassi's house.

I mean, I even know some of the people in the adjoining neighborhood. There's People Who Have a Yard Sale Every Weekend People, the Children of the Corn (there are about 10 kids in the family, all redheaded... and they stand at the road and stare at you), Josh, Guy Who Blows His Grass Clippings into the Street, Cassi and Michael, and Shirtless Beer Gut Guy. Plus, Crazy Drug Dealers just got evicted. So, that's awesome.

Hopefully, you're like me and you go out of your way to know your neighbors. But, for the other 43% of you, it's time to step up your game.

Bachelor Pad 2: The Triangle of Annoyance

Right off the bat, I think America needs to apologize to the rest of humanity. Jersey Shore premiered on Thursday and Bachelor Pad 2 on Monday. That's a lot of skeezy to put out into the universe all at once.

Speaking of Jersey Shore, I must confess: I watched. Not live on Thursday, because that would just be sad. But on Saturday afternoon when there was nothing else on and it was 4,000° outside so I had no choice but to stay inside. Plus, this season is in Florence. I love Florence so much that I was willing to endure The Sitch just to catch a glimpse of some familiar sights. (In the future, I'll just look at a photo album.) Oh, and America, while we're apologizing to humanity, I hope it goes without saying that we owe Italy a huge bouquet of "I'm sorry" flowers.

Okay, okay, back to the Bachelor Pad. I'm not going to list out every single person because, frankly, do you care? No. You just want to know who brought the crazy, right? But, just for reference, here's the whole toolbox:

Like last season, most are fairly recent... the last three or so seasons. The biggest "Whaaa? Who is that?" contestant is Erica Rose from Lorenzo's season. She wears a tiara and brags about her trust fund and her maid. But hopes to win the $250,000 so she can get some independence from her parents. Because, you know, when you're in your 20s and used to a trust fund lifestyle, a quarter-million dollars will definitely last you more than a week.

Other than Erica, some of the highlights from the contestants' introduction videos included:

• Justin (The Wrestler from Ali's season) apparently filming in his bathroom.
• Michelle (CrazyAlienPants from Brad's season) saying she doesn't consider herself crazy (Newsflash: the craziest people usually insist the hardest that they are not crazy) and discussing her dad's colon cancer.
• Vienna (Jake's ex-fiance) and Kasey (the guy who pledged 13,569 times to guard and protect Ali's heart) discussing how they are a couple now and how much they hate Jake.
• Jake flying around in a fighter jet and lamenting over his break up with Vienna.
• Ella (single mom from Jake's season) talking about being there for her son because her own mother was murdered in front of her when she was a child.
• Holly (from Matt the British guy's season) telling about how she was engaged to Michael (from Jillian's season) but they broke it off. And Michael saying the same. They both cried.
• Gia (from Jake's season and from the first Bachelor Pad) showing a chart of her experience on the show, including breaking up with her boyfriend for Wes, only to have Wes cheat on her with Vienna. No, seriously... she made a chart...

I'm not even apologizing for the weather report. I'm just so stoked it finally rained here!

The majority of the episode centers around the Jake-Vienna-Kasey triangle. I suspect the majority of the season will follow suit. Yippee.  Kasey brags that he is in the best shape of his life and he's put on 30 pounds of muscle. So, you know, if Jake wants to come to blows, Kasey will sing to him can take him. Kasey also says some bleeped out words about Jake. Then concludes with "I am going to go take a Jake and wipe my Pavelka."

Okay, I laughed. I can't help it. We do this at my house. My husband and I root for rival football teams, so we often head to the bathroom and announce we've got to "take a Michigan" (me, because Michigan sucks) or "drop a Notre Dame" (him, because he hasn't yet realized how much Michigan sucks). We leave off the "wipe my (mascot)" part though. Gotta keep it a little classy, right?  Oh, and Tristan (the 8th grade boy who lives in my head and makes wildly inappropriate jokes at everything) wants me to tell you "Huh huh huh, do you know what Oregon State's mascot is? Wipe that. Huh huh huh..." 

Shameless Aunt Bragging

There are very few things I could think of that would be worth waking up at 5:00AM, driving 6 hours, visiting for a few hours, then getting back in the car and driving 6 hours home. Very few! But, here is the one that tops the list:

My new nephew!!

My sister-in-law had him Saturday, 7 weeks early. She is always early for things, so we should have figured her son would be too. Plus, they decided not to find out the gender, so at least his early arrival ended the suspense sooner.

For being a little guy (4.8 pounds), he's doing great. Like, Superman great. He's pretty feisty. So he'll fit right in!

I'm so glad that they live close enough we were able to make the trip, whirlwind as it was, and get to see him while he's still "brand new". Though, as with most preemies, he's a little bit jaundiced, so he had to be under the bili lights.

Or, as my brother-in-law suggested (before being quickly corrected by my sister-in-law), this how he does GTL.


Oh my!  (Except, yeah, I have a picture on my other camera where I'm pretty sure I caught him giving a tiny fist pump.)

The Bachelorette: Finale, Men Tell All, ATFR. Whew.

Well, it took 5 hours in the last 2 days to get here, but finally, we've arrived at the season finale. That's right, 5 hours. Sunday night, 2 hours of Men Tell Nothing At All. Monday night, a 2 hour final episode and a 1 hour After the Final Rose.

But, before I sigh deeply about how much Bachelorette I've watched in the past just over 24 hours, I need to confess something. I watched even more hours of Bones over the weekend. Like, half of season 6. Over the weekend. What? I needed to catch up!!

Anyway, as I was watching Bones, I had a Bachelorette moment. A guy came on screen and I was like "He looks just like someone!!!!" then about a half second later, I said "RYAN! FROM BACHELORETTE!!!!" Plus, remember when I said Ryan was so happy that I sort of wondered if he had a freezer full of body parts? Well, the guy on the show who looked like him... yep, murderer.  Now, you have to squint a little and envision Ryan with glasses, but you see the resemblance, right?

And yes, soon after I got over my "Holy guacamole! It's Ryan!" moment, I processed the fact that it's actually Mike Welch. As in Mike Newton, the guy who won't leave Bella alone in Twilight. I mean, Twi-what? Never heard of it.

Okay, let's move on and get this season wrapped up. If you need to read this over the course of a few days, I understand. 5 hours is a lot to cover in one post. For a shorter recap, my radio segment is HERE

Despite my obsession with things being in chronological order, I'm going to give you the recap of the final episode first. Then blur the Men Tell All and the ATFR together. Nothing super shocking happened on any of them, but in case you can only take so much Bachelorette, I figured you'd rather hear about who she picked than hear about her awkwardly talking to the guys she didn't pick. So, final episode...

Right off the bat, Ashley jolts Tristan - the 8th grade boy who lives in my head and makes crass jokes at everything - awake. "I'm getting closer to the happy ending I've always dreamed of."  Really, Ashley? You say "happy ending" and expect Tristan not to choke on the Hot Pocket he was eating?! You nearly killed him!!

Ashley first greets her family. Now, last season, my DVR flipped out and I missed most of Ashley's hometown date with Brad, so this is my first real look at her clan. Mom and step-dad seem pretty normal. Little brother is dressed sort of like a thug and keeps mopping sweat off his face, but whatever. Then there's Chrystie. The sister. She's covered in tattoos, which isn't that big of a deal to me, but she's wearing a -GASP- romper!!! Seriously, people. Do not wear rompers. Why not? Read this. (And, if after reading it, you think "the friend mentioned in the story - the one who said something graphic about the girl in the store - that sounds like something Audreya would say..."  well, I plead the 5th. Which is usually what people do when they are guilty as charged.)

Before long, everyone is wiping themselves down with gym towels. No one thought to move this shindig indoors? Ugh. Ashley tells them a little bit about "the journey" thus far. Then she goes to fetch JP. Upon his arrival, the family sits down to dinner. Ashley's mom gives a toast welcoming JP to the family. Chrystie starts grilling Ashley and JP. "Does he make you laugh?" she asks. Ashley laughs. Then says "I make myself laugh." JP looks taken aback. Ashley continues with "I'm funnier than you. But you're cuter than me." Oh, boy. I think she's having a heat stroke.

Soon after, Ashley (finally indoors, hopefully at the advice of a medical professional) talks to her mom and Chrystie. Chrystie declares that JP is "not the one". She's hung up on the whole "does he make you laugh?" thing. Plus, he's too old for Ashley. Ashley is too much for him. He's older and demure. (Is "demure" a word you can use for a guy? I've only heard it in reference to ladies and bedspreads.) Ashley cries. Sobs, actually. Like that hiccup-y weep where you can only understand about every 8th word as the crier gasps for air. Mom steps in and reminds Chrystie that she's only known the guy for 10 minutes.

Ashley cries to her dad, who reassures her that Chrystie didn't even get to know the guy yet, so maybe her opinion isn't the end all, be all.

Meanwhile, Chrystie takes JP aside. She proceeds to tell him basically what she told Ashley. Not the one, too old, she's too much, the laughing thing, yada yada...  but, to further drive the knife into JP's heart, she says the Ashley was more herself when she came home with Brad. The giant, scary vein on JP's head begins to pulsate. Oh, come on. You've noticed Scary Vein. JP attempts to defend himself but Chrystie clearly has experience sucking the life out of unsuspecting mortals isn't having it. She tells JP there's probably nothing he can do to turn this around.

JP bids farewell to the family. He and Ashley talk. Ashley admits she is easily influenced by her family, but that she can't believe her sister was so harsh. JP is, of course, hung up on the mention of Brad. They part ways for the time being.

The next day, Ashley sits down with Chrystie. She says Chrystie was making premature, uncalled for judgments. Chrystie insists that she's just being a good big sister and Ashley is upset she isn't just giving her canned answers that she wants to hear. Chrystie, as she has pointed out repeatedly, is the more logical person. Ashley calls Chrystie the "b word".

If Chrystie is so logical and looking out for Ashley, did she try to stop Ashley from going on the show in the first place (as a contestant in Brad's season)? Or, did she beg and plead with her not to be the Bachelorette? Maybe, but I doubt it. Furthermore, I'm a big sister. My little sister dated some real idiots. I knew there was nothing I could do to stop her. So, I took matters into my own hands. I found a non-idiot friend of my husband's and I set him up with my sister. And guess what? She realized what it was like to date a non-idiot and they got married. You're welcome. See, THAT is the logical thing to do. Not belittle your sister on national TV. But, what do I know? I only have one tattoo and I wouldn't be caught dead in a romper.