Rough night

**If you're local and totally over earthquake stories, feel free to skip to the bottom for a funny story about my parents.**

Last night, as we were watching the Oscars, I said to David "This has the potential to be a long night." You see, a line of storms was forecast to move through the state during the overnight hours. And when it's 70+ degrees in February and you live in Tornado Alley, overnight storms are something to be taken seriously. I'm normally a pretty heavy sleeper, so on nights when there's a chance the house will be blown away, I have to psyche myself out a little so I won't be too comatose to notice.

But then, instead of being blown away, the house started shaking. As I mentioned a few weeks ago, my immediate area is have a "swarm" of earthquakes. Most stay in the 3.0 range and are not a big deal. (I feel the need to mention to any California readers that our quakes are happening at much shallower depths than yours, so that is why small quakes feel like such a big deal. And also, this is Arkansas. Not California.)

Anyway, the quake. Yeowza!! For the most part, I've remained relatively calm about the quakes. They are over before you can say "Earthquake". This one was different. It was much, much stronger and lasted significantly longer than the previous ones. I bolted upright on the couch and grabbed Bruiser. I'm not sure why. I guess I figure when FEMA says "Hold on" as earthquake protocol, they mean "to the dog". Eventually the excitement subsided. Sort of. The quake was large enough to be felt throughout the state and even into neighboring states. Suddenly, my Twitter stream and my phone came to life. I don't want to say anyone mocked my constant mentions of earthquakes, so I'll just say the tables turned a bit when they felt it from several counties away. Kind of unnerving, eh?

All said and done, the preliminary magnitude was a 4.7. We didn't have any visible damage. The tremors and aftershocks continued, but nothing major. (Click here and here if you want some actual news reports on the event.) So, it was time to think about bed. Or rather, hope to catch a little sleep before the storms rolled in.

Oh, but did I mention it is 70+ degrees in February? Massive swings in weather tend to make people kind of congested and sickly. And by "people", I mean "my husband". Quakes and tornadoes don't seem to phase him when he's got sleep on the brain. So, he was out the minute his head hit the pillow. And it wasn't very many minutes after that before I had to start the elbowing gentle nudging routine to get him to turn over and stop snoring.

Eventually, I dozed off too. Then something woke me up. On a night full of earthquakes, thunder, and snoring husbands, figuring out what woke me up was a pretty hefty task. But, for good measure, I elbowed gently nudged David again. Since I was up, I checked the radar again and saw that, mercifully, the worst of the storms has broken up before they reached us. Finally, I felt like I could get a little sleep. But as I dozed off, I thought of one of my favorite stories involving my parents and a particularly rough night they once had.

****

My dad is hard of hearing. He is completely deaf in one ear and has significant loss in the other. With a hearing aid, he manages quite well. But without a hearing aid, he's basically unable to hear anything but the loudest sounds. Therefore, my mom was always in charge of the alarm clock. When it would ring, she would nudge him on his shoulder and ensure he woke up.

Oh, and my dad could also put on quite the snoring show. So, to distinguish between the two, nudging was reserved for "time to wake up". Elbow to the ribs indicated "You're snoring. Roll over." Apparently this system worked really well for them. Most of the time.

One night, my mom heard my dad snoring. She gave him the "Roll over" signal. Instead, he got up and went to the bathroom. She assumed that he just needed to pee and would be right back. So she dozed off. Some time later, she heard water running. So, she got up to investigate.

My dad was standing at the sink groggily covered in shaving cream.

Mom: Mike, what are you doing? It's 3 in the morning!

Dad: What? It's not time to wake up?

Mom: No. It's pitch black out. Why would you think it's time to wake up?

Dad: You nudged me.

Mom: You were snoring.

Dad: But you nudged me.

Mom: So?

Dad: When I'm snoring, you elbow me. You nudged me.

Mom: Why didn't you look at the clock?

Dad: Because you nudged me.

(This went on for some time) 

Mom: Whatever. Come back to bed.

Dad: Ok, but it seems like I should at least shave the other half of my face first.  (*Mumbling under his breath about nudges versus elbows*)

 

After that, my dad went to a sleep clinic, started being treated for sleep apnea, and the elbowing subsided. I don't think the snoring at my house has reached those proportions just yet, but here's hoping the weather and the tectonic plates cooperate tonight and I can get some rest. The bags under my eyes today are not flattering.

The Bachelor, Week 8: Hometown dates

It's Wednesday, which means you probably no longer care about what happened on Monday's episode of The Bachelor. (Or, for most of you, you don't care on any day of the week.) Nevertheless, here is my recap.

First of all, why is it a day late? Because my DVR revolted against me. It recorded the first 15 minutes and then stopped. Of course, I didn't notice it stopped until an hour later when I sat down to start watching. Yes, my refusal to watch commercials finally bit me in the butt. And hometown dates are my favorite. Double bummer. But, in just the few minutes I watched, there were 6+ "I"/"me" mistakes. For the sake of my head not exploding, maybe it's good I didn't get to see the whole thing.

So, lucky for you, this will be a much shorter post than usual. Most of my information comes from Best Friend Dena (BFD). She is much less inclined to drone on and on like me. No, she can't write my blog all the time, but thanks for asking.

Okay, what I did see was a pointlessly long scene with Brad talking about each of the remaining four girls. Basically he thinks they are all swell and yet has questions about all of them. It was really hard to focus on what he was saying because he was wearing a ridiculous newsboy hat. I guess he thought his last name was Pitt instead of Womack.

Next, Chantal runs across a park, jumps into Brad's arms, and then proceeds to tell him that he must have her family's approval for them to make it. And that she lives 4 streets over from her parents.

And... cue DVR revolt. Enter BFD recap...

Chantal lives in a huge house, most likely paid for by her parents - who live in an even huge-er house. BFD's husband thought Brad looked older than Chantal's dad. BFD disagreed but stated it looked like everyone in the house had a plastic surgeon on speed dial. And if things don't work out with Chantal, Brad and her dad might end up pretty happy together. I guess it got pretty bromactic between the two of them.

Next up was Ashley's date in some ridiculously northern part of Maine. Apparently it's so close to Canada that they speak a mixture of French and English. And eat some weird concoction of cheese fries with gravy. And Brad said "Si" when he meant "Oui". Oh well, when you're as cute as him, why would you need to be bilingual? While they were eating, Ashley announced she could see his crown (on his tooth.) Because that's what every guy wants - a girl to shout about his dental work while forcing him to eat things clearly not on his 1% body fat diet. BFD also noted that Ashley is a dental student, not a dentist like her description has stated all season. Lame. I mean, being a dental student is definitely something to be proud of, so why not list your career as "Dental Student" instead of overselling? Not that this show ever oversells. As far as the family goes, BFD found them to be fairly regular. As in, they live in a regular house - not a mansion like Chantal (and Emily, but we're not there yet). But I guess she has a "kind of weird" sister who is covered in tattoos. Note: that tattoos aren't what BFD perceived as weird. She was weird anyway and incidentally covered in tattoos.

Then Shawntel's date. The one I am most bummed to have missed. Of course, in keeping with the overselling theme, the majority of this date took place in the funeral home while creepy Halloween music and death dirges played. Really, people? This annoys both myself and BFD. Both of us have family in the funeral business. Sure, it's not the most glamorous job, but it's not creepy. It's necessary. Unless you're Brad, who acted like a big baby. BFD noted that Shawntel spoke respectfully and intelligently about her career and it was obvious it wasn't her idea to lay Brad out on an embalming table or be so funeraly about everything. Then there was an interchange between them and Shawntel's dad. Dad is under the impression that Shawntel will be taking over his business. She indicated she would be willing to move to Austin. Enter drama.

Next up, Emily's date. AKA: When I got to start watching again. There was a lot of forced, pieced-together dialogue about Brad being Ricki's stepdad. Then there was meeting Ricki. Um, AWKWARD. Whether the whole afternoon was awkward or we only got to see the awkward parts, it was definitely awkward. Ricki was very shy and didn't seem interested in talking to Brad. Finally, she loosened up a little and flew the butterfly kite he brought for her. Then they headed to Emily's house, where she said she hoped Brad didn't mind the simplicity that was her life. To which my husband exclaimed "THAT'S simplicity?!?!" as they walked into a very large, very nicely decorated home. Yes, I'm sure Emily is a hard worker. And yes, I'm sure the fact that her daughter's grandparents are super loaded plays a part. But "simplicity" was probably the wrong word to use while playing board games in a playroom bigger than my whole house.

Continuing on the train to AwkwardTown, even after Ricki (who Brad annoyingly kept calling "Little Ricki") was asleep, Brad said he didn't feel right kissing Emily. He kept explaining he was trying to be respectful. Emily was noticeably upset and pointed out the Ricki would always be upstairs sleeping. Way to go, Brad. I am sure dating someone with a child would require an extra measure of discretion, but seriously? Whether it's her child or your mutual child, do you plan on never kissing your wife because there's a kid upstairs? Give me a break. He was, however, okay with kissing her at the door while the neighbors drove by.

Finally, everyone arrives in New York. We see Chris Harrison in a three-piece suit. However, the vest looked like his Mr. Rogers cardigan from earlier. Come on, dude. He and Brad chat and they show flashbacks to each hometown. For the 40th time, Brad says there's no comparison between this go-round and last time. Translation: Suck it, Jenni and DeAnna.

Time for the roses...

• Ashley
• Emily

(pointless speech from Chris... long pause)

• Chantal

Then everyone freezes until Chris says "Shawntel, I'm sorry. Take a moment and say your goodbyes." So if Chris doesn't say this line, does everyone have to remain frozen? These are the things I wonder about.

Brad walks Shawntel out. She was upset but not hysterical. Instead, she goes on and on about how great Brad is and how high he has set the bar for guys in the future. Don't get me started...

Next week, fantasy dates in South Africa. That should be interesting.

Earthquakes and "I've never..."



If you live anywhere near me, you've probably noticed my little town in the news a lot due to a rash of earthquakes (700 in the last six months). Despite my efforts to get the town's name changed to Poseidon, Arkansas, I'm really not that worked up about them. But, this post isn't about earthquakes so much as it's about the fact that nearly everyone I've talked to from outside the area has said "I've never felt an earthquake before..."





Image from here
NOT actual damage in my area.



Now that earthquakes seem pretty normal to me, it got me thinking about what somewhat-normal things I've never done. Not in a "Oh wow, if the ground does open up and swallow me, I will have missed out on so much" way. Not at all. I've done some pretty cool things in my life. But just an off-the-top-of-my-head list of things many of you have probably done that I haven't. Try not to laugh too much at me. Here goes...

I've never...

• Set foot in Anthropologie
• Ridden in a limo
• Taken a pregnancy test
• Seen Steel Magnolias (which may or may not have had a role in the creation of the Southern Girl Academy.)
• Eaten a crawfish
• Been drunk... unless a particularly bad reaction to some cough syrup counts
• Visited NYC or LA
• Mastered the spelling of "occasionally" without the benefit of spell check
• Smoked anything... not even a ham.
• Been present for the birth of a child (Please don't feel obligated to invite me. Seriously.)
• Seen a game at Wrigley, despite being a lifelong Cubs fan and growing up just a few hours away.
• Watched a single episode of Lost

I'm sure there are many other things I could add to the list, but this is what I've come up with in the last couple of minutes.

I think it's only fair you share a few of yours now...

The Bachelor, Week 7: Crazyectomy

If you've paid any attention to the news (and I use that term loosely) this week, you've already ascertained that no one is "here for the right reasons"... which is probably why those words haven't been uttered on this show in weeks. However, the slaughter of the English language continues. I have changed my "count" to be the number of times "I" was used incorrectly.

Since I already mentioned that something has been going on in the tabloids, let me elaborate. (If you want specific links to the articles, they are on Reality Steve's site. As usual, he's had this information for weeks.) The short version is that Brad has had an on-again, off-again girlfriend for 8 years. He's told her on several occasions that he wanted to marry her, as recently as right before he left for the show. (There are texts and so forth she kept which prove it.) In other news, Chantal was also trying to get back with her ex-husband (who divorced her after she cheated on him) until not long before she left for the show. And Michelle admits she had an affair with a married NBA player.

My response? So what. I mean, is this really surprising to anyone? The entire premise of the show is that you can find true love in 6 weeks while dating up to 29 other people. While I think there are a few people who are cast on the show really believing in the process and with good motives, most people are there for some other reason. Fame, self-promotion, in the case of the Bachelor or Bachelorette - a paycheck. The fact that these people have made terrible questionable decisions in their "real" lives shocks me, um, none at all. How boring would the show be if everyone who was cast was a Tenley? If you watch because you're a hopeless romantic and you really think proposing to someone with whom you've spent maybe a total of 24 hours alone makes for a healthy relationship, finding out about the behind-the-scenes douchebaggery might upset you. But if you're reading this, I assume you're in the same boat as me. The boat that thinks the more drama, the more entertainment. Moving on...

Last night, we saw Brad and his harem in Anguilla. Or, "the most beautiful place ever". Much like the suite in Vegas and everything in Costa Rica were the most beautiful places ever. Sure, Anguilla looked pretty. It also looked pretty much like any other ocean-y location. I'm not sure I could pick it out of a tropical island line-up. It had sparkly blue water, palms trees, and sand. But, whatever. Let's all squeal and be as excited as Ashley was.

First up, Chris Harrison threw a curve ball to the girls by telling them there would be THREE one-on-one dates and one group date. Only the group date would have a rose to be handed out. (Cue gasping and emotional overreactions.)

The initial one-on-one was for Emily. As per usual, it involved them flying off in a helicopter. Emily commented that Brad always does too much on their dates. And Brad said this was one of the most romantic dates he's ever planned in his life. Again - please! Can we stop with the "Brad planned this" bit. Brad didn't get on his laptop back in Austin and Google "helicopters in Anguilla". He was too busy trying to convince his ex to take him back to be planning dates.

As dates on random sandbars private islands go, this was pretty boring. Mostly, it featured a pieced-together scene of Brad and Emily having a deep talk about how nervous they are around each other. How do I know it was pieced together? Because in some shots her hair was wet and in others it was dry. I guess they spent their budget on the helicopter and couldn't afford continuity editing.

Next up, dinner. More heartfelt conversation. This time about whether Brad would be allowed to meet Emily's daughter on a hometown date. Oh, because Brad made a big ordeal of "breaking the rules" and telling her he was giving her a rose. (Remember there was no rose on the date. He meant she was a lock at the Rose Ceremony later.) Imagine how I feel about about the validity of a relationship where there are rules about what you can and can't tell the other person. Anyway, Emily hmm-haws around about how overprotective she is of her little girl but how she realizes you could never agree to marry someone if you haven't met their child. The date ends with them making out while standing in the ocean.

Movie Review Monday: Gnomeo and Juliet

That's right. I went to see Gnomeo and Juliet. I'm not even a little bit ashamed of it either. Well, I mean, I did take my 5 and 7 year old cousins. But that is just because I knew they would enjoy it. Not because I felt awkward going to an afternoon matinee full of children with just David and me.

Anyway, before I discuss the movie itself, let me give you a little background on the experience.

Obviously, since I had to borrow children, I don't have children of my own. And, since I don't have children of my own, I'm not very good at estimating how long it takes children to do things. The children arrived at my house an hour before the movie was to start. The theater is 12 minutes away, so I thought we had plenty of time. The children came bearing Happy Meals to scarf down and instructions from their mom to use the bathroom before they left. I estimated this would take 20 minutes. Not 20 minutes per activity. The eating part went smoothly but the bathroom part? Not so much. I thought going to the bathroom was a 3 minute venture, tops. First, SW went to the bathroom. He's a boy and he's almost 8. Easy, right? Wrong.

Through the closed bathroom door (after he'd already been in there a bit), I heard "Hey, Audreya... did David give Maize a bath in the this bathtub?" (There had been a previous discussion about how the house smelled like wet dog because Maize had just gotten a bath.)  "Yes."  "Why? We give our dog a bath in the sink in our laundry room."  "Well, you have a chihuahua. Labs don't fit in the sink." "Yeah, but now you've got all this black junk in your bathtub." "It's okay, buddy. I'll wash it later. Just finish up."

I looked at almost 6 year old BB. She was doubled over in laughter. "I can't believe you give your dog a bath in the bathtub! That's soooo grooooosss!!" "Well, it's too cold to bathe her outside with the hose, so we had to use the bathtub." "Why can't you use your sink?" "You just heard me tell your brother she wouldn't fit." "But you could get a bigger sink! Maybe one the size of a bathtub but not actually a bathtub." "Maybe you could just use the bathroom so we can go to the movie."

So, we finally left for the theater. We had to get gas first, so add another few minutes onto our journey. Upon arriving at the theater, David dropped us at the door and went to find parking. The kids made gross sounds about the melting slush on the pavement and how they didn't want to get their shoes dirty. Finally, we made it inside. Now for the concession line. Since there were about 5 people ahead of us, I thought we could spend our time deciding what we wanted. I was wrong. Again.

After several minutes of discussing every movie poster on the wall and whether or not I would be taking them to see Kung Fu Panda 2 and how the Kung Fu Panda 2 sign just said "May 2011" but not the actual date and how SW thought Justin Bieber was stupid (I love SW, by the way!), we finally arrived at the counter. Then we went through the whole deciding what snacks to get ordeal. It was 5 minutes after the movie was to start at this point.

Naturally, the only available seats were in the first two rows. This is not ideal for any movie, but especially one in 3D. And why do they not make child-sized 3D glasses? Especially since so many of the 3D movies are targeted at kids? So, the first several minutes of the movie were spent trying to convince BB that the glasses didn't have to fit perfectly, but yes, she did have to wear them.

Eventually, we got into Gnomeo and Juliet. Fortunately there is not a lot that I need to say about it. It's a retelling of Romeo and Juliet set in neighboring gardens. The garden gnomes on one side of the fence wear blue hats. Red for the other side. They are mortal enemies. Instead of sword fights, they have lawnmower races. They spray plant killer at each other. They destroy wishing wells and prized plants. Blue hat Gnomeo falls for Red hat Juliet. Chaos ensues. Eventually Gnomeo ends up separated from the gardens and finds himself in a park. Next to a statue of William Shakespeare. The Bard tells Gnomeo how the story is supposed to end. Gnomeo thinks that is unacceptable. With the help of a lawn flamingo and a mushroom, he makes his way home. There is an epic battle involving a riding lawnmower. Everyone thinks Gnomeo and Juliet perished. Their families agree to stop the feud. But, because this is a happy movie, you can guess what happens next...

All in all, I thought it was pretty cute. There was enough innuendo to make it funny to adults, but not so much that I thought "Wow, I hope the kids don't pick up on that." The best part, in my opinion, was the music by Elton John. And the animated gnome version of Elton John. The voices were great. Pretty much all the famous British people had a role. I loved it. I can't really comment on the 3D because, as I mentioned, being in the second row was not an ideal way to experience it. In general, however, I am rarely impressed with 3D movies, so take that for what it's worth. Most importantly, the kids loved it. If it's time for a movie date with your children, I don't think you'll be disappointed. If it's time for a movie date with other adults, it probably won't be your top choice. Overall, I give it a B.

However, I give an A to how cute the kids and I look in our 3D glasses. (Though you may not be able to tell since it is nearly impossible to take a picture with an iPhone in a dimly lit theater.)

Also, I'm not posting anything Valentine's Day-ish. I figure a review of an animated love story covers my obligation. Either way, happy glittery, chocolately, lovey-dovey day. Or whatever.

Snow? I hadn't noticed.

It's snowing. Can there really be that much more to say about it?

I mean, I know it doesn't usually snow much here. I realize the northwest part of Arkansas has gotten so much snow that Walmart's headquarters closed due to weather for the first time EVER. Yeah, it's a big storm. Absolutely people should be aware of the forecast and the road conditions. But aside from that, it's snowing.

For the love of all that is holy, just say "It's snowing." Enough with the cataclysmic nicknames. (Unless, of course, you would like to take my advice that all winter storms be named like tropical storms... provided the name begins with The Abominable and is followed by a Russian-sounding name. This storm could be The Abominable Igor. But otherwise, stop.)

My feelings on snow nicknames and the general snow mania can best be described by this picture Megan posted last week:

*(slightly edited so I don't catch grief from my mom)

So enjoy your snow day. Or don't. Just be safe.

The Bachelor, Week 6: Yes, I think she's crazy

For the second week in a row, I didn't catch anyone saying they were "here for the right reasons". Logically I can only conclude that none of them are actually here for the right reasons. Shocking. I did, however, count 5 times that someone said "I" when they meant "me". So, let's recap...

My friend and I are going to lose our minds if people don't learn basic grammar. In this case, it's "I". If the sentence was only about me, I would still say "I".

This is a picture of my friend and me losing our minds because people didn't learn basic grammar. In this case, it's "me". If the sentence were only about me, saying "...a picture of I" would be ridiculous.

Okay, moving on...

This week jumped around a lot. Every date was interrupted with two or three cuts back to the girls not on the date. If you require medication for ADHD, now would be a good time to take it.

First, Brad arrives in Costa Rica and tells us it is a magical place. I beg to differ. Diagon Alley, Hogsmeade, Hogwarts Castle, The Burrow, The Ministry of Magic, etc. are magical places. Costa Rica is clearly teeming with muggles. And humidity.

After more cheesy FlipCam videos, the girls arrive in Costa Rica too. They ooh and aah at a volcano. Then Brad greets them in a light blue shirt. Covered in sweat. They still ooh and aah. I'm not sure why. Sweaty shirts are more eeeww than ooohh!! I mean, just take off your shirt, dude! Or leave the date card and head back to your suite to rehydrate with some Gatoraid.

The date card goes to Chantal and tells her to "Close your eyes. Hold on Tight. Love is in the air tonight." Crazypants Michelle tells us she hopes Chantal gets attacked by monkeys. Or apes.

A word about Michelle: Do I think she's acting? Yes. Do I think she's crazy? Yes. The two are not mutually exclusive. I realize there is about a 99% chance someone off-camera is encouraging her to say completely absurd things. And since she has acting experience, she can sell it as believably crazy. Nevertheless, if you want to have a legit acting career and you go on a reality dating show and agree  to act over-the-top insane, you are crazy. And if you have a daughter at home who will someday see her mother wish someone was attacked by primates, you're crazy. So, Michelle = Crazy

Further proof Michelle is crazy? She described Chantal as "aggressive and egotistical". Something about a pot and a kettle...

Where were we? Right - Chantal. A helicopter arrives to pick her up. Of course. They fly off to a zipline place (I'm not sure what zipline places are called... station? Deck? Google was no help.) Suddenly, it starts to rain. This startles Brad and Chantal. I guess they thought "rainforest" was just a cutesy nickname. Chantal poetically tells us that "...rain comes. You make the most of it. Like a relationship." Ladies and Gentleman, the next Poet Laureate of the United States!!

So, they zipline. Basically another chance to show America a shot of Brad's package harnessed into something. If you missed it, don't worry. There's another one later. For now, Chantal and Brad have to make ziplining look like a snoozefest.

Next, they head to dinner. By the river. Only it didn't look like a river to me. It had lights in it, like a spa. But, Brad says "river". So, we'll go with that. They sit down to a plate of coconuts. Brad says "What do we have here? Some sort or local fare?" Chantal replies "I don't know..." Um, it was a coconut cut in half. You can tell because it had a hard, brown shell with little hairs on it and then a bright white center. I supposed they could have wondered about the brightly colored wraps sitting on the coconut, but I prefer to think they were in awe of the coconut. It's funnier that way and it sets me up for a joke I want to make later about Alli.

Two minutes into dinner, it starts raining. Brad grabs the rose and they make a run for it. Luckily, the first place they happen upon was his suite. Luckily, he has a white dress shirt ready to hand her. Luckily, she changes into just the white dress shirt. Luckily, a plate of dessert just happened to be waiting. How fortunate all those circumstances came together so randomly.

After Brad sees Chantal in his white shirt and he gets done taking the Lord's name in vain a lot, she gives him a speech about forever. BFF Dena and I have dubbed her "Mosby". If you watch How I Met Your Mother, you get this joke. If not, um, watch it. It's a freaking awesome show. He gives her the rose. They make out. At the end, Chantal says she could really feel Brad's love tonight. It's taking all my willpower not to add "on her thigh" to the end of this statement.

The Bachelor, Week 5: Vegas, Baby!!

I can't believe no one said "Here for the right reasons" this week. It was kind of a nice change. Even nicer was that no one said "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas", because I hate that phrase. Like, HATE IT! And all variations of it. When someone says it, I think I should be allowed to punch them. And convince them not to press charges. Because what happens in (wherever I punched them) stays in (wherever I punched them).

Anyway, I'm jumping ahead. First we have to talk about that shirt Chris Harrison was wearing in the opening scene. On the surface, it looked like an ordinary striped shirt. But the rolled up sleeves revealed a flower print. I'm confused. Was the shirt reversible? Is Chris a 19 year old frat guy? Ugh. No matter... he's just here to tell the girls that this week's hoopla will consist of a one-on-date, a group date, and (insert ominous music) a two-on-one date. But, cheer up, the dates are in VEGAS!! Wooooo!!!

Let me just say up front that I don't hate Vegas. I also don't love it. There is some stuff there I enjoy and the scenery is pretty cool. But overall, I don't drink or gamble, so really, how much can I actually enjoy Vegas? Plus, there are all these crazy people "woooo hooo'ing" and dressed in skanky clothes and trying to hook up with people who clearly aren't interested in them. And that's even when The Bachelor isn't in town filming. So, Vegas...

Of course, the girls make cheesy FlipCam videos of the trip and then arrive at what Crazypants Michelle describes as "the most beautiful hotel. EVER!"  The Aria. Suck on that, Bellagio! You might have gorgeous fountains and a conservatory and a fascinating glass ceiling... but the Aria has, um, lots of chrome and mirrored glass. Woooo!!

Brad greets the girls with his typical "HELL-o". (I meant to mention this last week. I even put it in my notes. But I forgot. Then Reality Steve mentioned it and it reminded me. I hate how Brad says hello. He puts the emphasis in the wrong spot. It annoys the HELL-o out of me!) Anyway, he takes them up to their suite. The girls ooh and aah. He leaves a date card. It turns out to be for Shawntel N. and says "Let's end tonight with a bang." Of course, the classy girls in this crowd don't make any off-color suggestions about what that might mean. These are ladies.

Shawntel meets up with Brad. He tells her that they are going on a shopping spree. THANK GOODNESS! Did you see that vest he was wearing? I guess he thought he was in Branson, not Vegas. Oh, what? The shopping spree is for her? Bummer. So they walk around the mall and Shawntel is amazed that such a nice mall exists. It's a fair point. Usually when you say "mall", you expect a Victoria's Secret and a Sears and the smells billowing out of Abercrombie that choke the life out of you. In this case, they were at Crystal - the new luxury shopping center that is part of City Center (where the Aria hotel and lots of other chrome and mirrored glass buildings are.) There are no Gaps at this mall. It's all super fancy designers. And Shawntel gets to buy anything she wants at any of these store. Woooo!!

Brad and Shawntel wander from store to store. She squeals about things. He tells her to put them on the counter. Then they go into Fendi, the only store that didn't blur their name out, where she buys a dress and purse and who knows what else. Brad is so generous. Or, Fendi is the only store that agreed to the Bachelor's shenanigans and comped them several items in exchange for the free pub.

Shawntel goes back to the suite to brag about her shopping spree get ready for the rest of her date. The other girls get all whiny about her loot. Ashley S. says it is just the perfect Pretty Woman moment every girls dreams about.

Stop! I like Pretty Woman. It's a great movie. But I don't want to be Pretty Woman! Why? Because she was a prostitute. Before Richard Gere came along, she had to do it with all sorts of nasty guys just to pay her rent. Then, even after her fabulous shopping spree, she still got slapped and almost raped by George Costanza. You know what you call it when a hooker gets rescued and swept off her feet by a rich man? FICTION!  So enough with the Pretty Woman references already.

Okay, so Shawntel gets all gussied up (except for her hair, which is pulled back in some awkward bun like when you're about to put a clay mask on your face or something. Not fancy date hair) and meets Brad on the roof for dinner. There she tells him about her profession as a funeral director and an embalmer. And she uses words like "leakage" and "orifices". Really? My uncle owned a funeral home. My cousin still does. I have a couple of friends who are also funeral directors. It doesn't creep me out at all. But still, we don't talk about the specifics of embalming over dinner. But, no worries, the conversation soon turned to Shawntel's cross-eyed cat, Peaches.

Finally, as they swoon over each other on the rooftop, Brad says "I wonder what could make this night better... (pause)... THAT!" and fireworks begin overhead. I wonder how many takes they had to do to get the timing just right. I'm guessing 9. Anyway, he gives her a rose, then picks her up to kiss her. And she's wearing flip flops. Those fancy high heels were money well spent, eh?