At long last, the Bachelor Pad finale is here! As much as I love the trainwreckery that is the Bachelor franchise, it will be nice to have my Monday nights back for a bit. I mean, yeah, I'll spend them pretty much the same way... plopped in front of the TV... but I'll be watching Castle and How I Met Your Mother and stuff like that. It's totally different, I swear. Plus, between now and January (when the new season begins), I might even blog about other things! You're welcome.
Okay, onto last night. With the finale, I always think I can wrap it up more quickly, but that never works out. Nevertheless, I'll try. And fail. But whatever.
Chris greets the 4 remaining couples and tells them they are headed to Vegas for their final challenge. Ella whoops and hollers. Kasey is the first to annoyingly say "Vegas, baby!". There's some cheesy travel video of them in a bus, I think. Anyway, they get to Vegas and head straight to the MGM Grand's theater. Everyone is all "Wow! What a big theater." These people are easily impressed. They speculate what might go on here. Um, a show. Duh. Oh, but more specifically, it's Cirque du Soleil's KA. (This is a good chance to point out that I extra-super-major-ridiculously love Cirque du Soleil. So, while you are welcome to make fun of the contestants' lame attempts to perform the routine, do NOT make fun of legit Cirque performers or I'll punch you in the face. Okay, I can't reach your face. And I would never actually punch you. But I will furrow my brow and growl at you.)
Oh, I'm getting ahead of myself. The gang doesn't even know they are performing yet. I bet Chris Harrison will walk casually onto the floor and tell them. I mean, surely he won't do some overly-dramatic "appear on stage in a cloud of smoke" thing, right?
Chris, seriously, dude?! And why does he always stand like that? Ugh. But yeah, the teams are going to participate in a Cirque challenge. Fortunately, unlike during Bachelor / Bachelorette, the audience won't be subjected to this madness. For real... I spend a good portion of my time on Bachelor-related matters, but if I went to Vegas and bought a ticket to a Cirque show (because those tickets aren't cheap, yo) and had to endure part of it being "performed" by the cast of The Bachelor, I would probably throw things at the stage. Now, if the tickets were free, that would be entirely fine. So, Cirque du Soleil, if you want to give me free tickets (hint, hint), let whomever you want hijack part of the show. Also, if you want to give me free tickets (hint, hint), I really want to see Love. The Beatles AND Cirque?! Yes, please!
What were we talking about? Oh, the group doing part of a Cirque routine. KA features a 100 foot wall that performers "run" up and down while suspended from a harness. So, you know, they are horizontal and stuff. It actually looks cool when the pros do it. But, I'm not expecting it will look the same when our friends here give it a try. Most of the teams freak out over fear of heights and whatnot. Ella is certain she will plummet to her death and orphan her son. Kasey, on the other hand, says he picks things up fast and is smart and witty. Vienna explains that Kasey is not very graceful. Kasey thinks Vienna can't win without him. This should go well. Oh, and their routine will be 60 seconds... 10 of which the team has to come up with their own moves.
Kasey suggests he and Vienna form a heart with their bodies. Vienna thinks this is dumb. In fact, she tells their trainer about his heart idea using air quotes around "heart idea". I never, ever, ever, ever advocate domestic abuse. Ever. But if your significant other air quotes you -not in a funny way, but in an actual mocking way- and your hand happens to have a spasm and flail wildly at that moment, well, never mind. Air quotes... hilarious when used in the right, sarcastic-but-not-too-much way. Super condescending when used like Vienna. But at least she looked like an idiot while doing it.
After the teams have trained, they meet back up for their performance. And, because it's so rare anyone from this show actually go on to develop a healthy relationship with anyone else from this show, this is a chance for the "successful" former castmates to be flaunted about once again. (See, if I were speaking and I air quoted "successful", that would be fine because I was speaking about people I don't know who married someone they met on a reality dating show. If I referred to my husband as "successful", that would be mean and awful. Because he actually is successful, you see.)
So, Trista comes out, followed by Jason Mesnick. Lastly, Ali will be a judge. As she has recently had major knee surgery, Roberto carries her out. Sure, she could have hobbled out and been seated before the shot began, but what fun would that be. This way, some ditzy housewife in Idaho gets to be like "Awww! I bet he carries her everywhere!!". No offense to the rest of the people of Idaho. I only used it because I think it's a fun state name. But, if you object, feel free to substitute any other state. I suggest Iowa. Or Wisconsin. Ugh. Wisconsin.
The judging criteria will be: Technical ability, Showmanship, Effort, and Chemistry. Are you for real? Do we really need absurd categories? Can't they just vote for the couple the producers told them to who looks the least ridiculous? And why is there no official judge here? I mean, the synchronized swimming contest had a real synchronized swimming judge. I guess maybe none of the Cirque people wanted to show their faces more than necessary. Good call.
Michelle and Graham are up first. They decide that their abilities are lacking and their chemistry is the only thing that will save them. So they kiss and make a big production like they're so in love. What is this? The Hunger Games? Anyway, as expected, Katniss and Peeta, er, Michelle and Graham don't do very well, but the Gamemakers judges ooh and aah over their kiss.
Ella and Kirk do even worse. There's really no way I can describe it. Just bad.
Kasey and Vienna are up next. Kasey tells us he's got this. He's a "survivor. A dreamer. A believer." What does that even mean? And how does it relate to dangling 100 feet above the ground? Anyway, they do pretty well. And they make out while suspended.
Michael and Holly, however, knock it out of the park. Even in training, Michael was doing crazy Spiderman moves and spinning everywhere. He's dreamy, y'all. For real. Their performance is light years beyond everyone else. They even do some insane connected move with their limbs outstretched. I think even their spotter was impressed.
The judges applaud wildly for Michael and Holly. At that point, I'm not sure why they even needed to confer and pick the winner and loser, but they do. You know, based on all their years of training in scoring acrobatics.
Oh, and Trista gets on my nerves. That thought bubble was my way of telling you. Anyway, it comes as a shock to no one that Ella and Kirk lose and are voted out. And, even less shockingly, Michael and Holly win. They are pretty stoked.
What's worse than those costumes in general? The fact that Ella and Kirk were sent to the limos still wearing them. Weird, right? But at least she didn't plummet to her death and orphan her son. So that's something.
Did I mention the part where Michael and Holly will be the sole voters at the upcoming Rose Ceremony? Obviously the other two couples would just vote for themselves anyway, so there's no point. Michael and Holly will pick which couple goes with them into the finals.
Back at the Pad, Michael and Holly decide to talk to each of the couples and get a feel for who they should take with them. Vienna encourages Kasey tone it down. Or, more precisely, she said "be as least intense as possible". Ugh. But her point is valid. Kasey is a real in your face kind of guy, especially about competitive stuff, and he thinks he's the king of the household, so it's likely he'll get pretty riled up and be all "PICK US OR DIE!!" Holly, especially, doesn't do well with that kind of behavior. Kasey tries to be cool, pointing out that there's no way anyone would give them money to him and Vienna, so Michael and Holly would definitely win.
Had he stopped there, it would have been fine. But, then he goes on a rant about who deserves to be there and who doesn't. How he and Vienna have been such good players. Blah blah blah. Basically "PICK US OR DIE!" Vienna is upset by his rant. After all, she warned him to be cool.
They have another fight. Shocking, right? Speaking of fights, Michael and Holly talk to Graham and Michelle next. Michael brings up Kasey's point about how Graham and Michelle would be much harder to beat in the finale. It ends with Graham super mad that his bro, Michael, might sell him out. I think. During his tirade, his accent tripled in strength and became some weird hybrid of Southern and gangster.
The Rose Ceremony begins. Holly is wearing, um, I'm not sure. I think it's a shirt. It's waaaay too short and super low cut and just generally looks not like clothes.
At this point, all I could think of was a flowchart my friend Becca sent me a while back. She and I are both Team "Leggings aren't pants". So, "Am I wearing a dress" was a natural progression. It's shocking how many people are okay with their rear end being uncovered in public. So, Holly, please check this handy guide the next time you are getting dressed.
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Anyway, after a long, rehearsed speech about selfishness and selflessness, Michael and Holly's hiney hand out the final roses... to Vienna and Kasey. JUST KIDDING! To Graham and Michelle. See, Graham! Michael would never bail on his bro.
With mascara running down her face (sadly, it wouldn't show up when I tried to take a picture), Vienna cries that her perfect rose record has been ruined. Waaaaaaa!! Also, seriously?! $10 says she has to update her resume now. "Special skills: None. Oh, wait. I have received a rose on every episode of The Bachelor and Bachelor Pad I was ever on." Man, that would have been such a great achievement.
Okay, the finale. I really will try to speed things up.
First, we check in with Ames and Jackie. They are no longer together. Jackie is blindsided, heartbroken, devastated, etc. She couldn't get out of bed for a week. Ames feels terrible but says that once he realized what different people they were, he knew it was better to end it sooner rather than later. And by "different people", I assume he means "different genders".
Next, time to rehash the Vienna / Jake / Kasey Triangle of Annoyance. But first...
William pipes up that he thought it was ironic that the most "in love" couple who thought they could win any challenge didn't actually win any challenges. Chris then asks Vienna why she wasn't nicer to Jake. She says "I was..." and the audience does their best courtroom drama gasp. Kirk tells Vienna that it would have been better if she had owned up to some of the problems with Jake.
Jake comes up to the hot seat. Let me summarize: "Blah blah blah... not a bad person... blah blah... it was wrong I yelled at her on TV, but, blah blah blah... blah blah." Vienna jumps in to say that they didn't fight the whole time. They had some laughs. Like when they played charades and he fell off the chair. She laughs. No one else does. Guess you had to be there.
Gia says she's never seen someone treated so badly. Erica and her stupid gavel declare Vienna and Kasey as hostile. Jake continues his blah blahing about closure and olive branches and stuff. "Why didn't you apologize before the show? Blah blah...." "I tried, you didn't take my calls, blah blah blah..." "You had my phone disconnected. I never got any emails. Blah blah blah..."
Then, Jake delivers the death blow: "If she'd accepted my olive branch earlier, it would have changed the course of her career. Keep this drama alive was more lucrative." BLAH?! BLAH!!!! Also, I agree. However, Jake calling someone a famewhore is like a regular whore calling someone loose. Or something. My point is they are both camera hounds.
In a somewhat supringing move, Kasey offers Jake an apology that actually seemed sincere. He said watching it back made him realize how harsh he was, how he only knew one side of the story, and how he made a fool of himself. He and Jake hug it out.Vienna, however, glares. Like nuclear bomb - lasers out of the eyes - some other catastrophe kind of glares. It was awesome.
Next up, in the hot seat, Kasey says he understood now the ripples he caused in the household and why he didn't make it to the finals. He then rips the Wrestler for making fun of him by saying he (Kasey) talked like Kermit. As it turns out, Kasey does have a speech impediment. Really? Let me put that in my "The Pope is Catholic" file. (Blatantly obvious things. Get it?) There was a lot more blah blah blahing. Basically, he's a changed man and seeing how he and Vienna behaved on camera made him want a better relationship. Vienna adds that everyone fights, just most people do it in private. Yeah, because most people don't AGREE to come on a reality show. But whatevs. Erica defends them and says she spent time with them after the show and they really are a good couple. William suggest that maybe they need to reevaluate. Kasey concludes with "She's Vienna". So, if anyone spots him out with a black eye...
Next up, Blake. First, he talks to Melissa. Blah blah blah. Do you even care? Me neither. Then talks -gushes, really- about Holly. It's a super serious relationship and she has a firm hold on his heart. Chris asks if Michael knows how serious they are. Blake says Michael and Holly have talked and he knows it's very serious. Holly is moving to South Carolina to be with Blake. Oh, and one other thing... here's a clip!
Well, not "here". I don't have the actual clip. But Chris, who 5 seconds ago was acting like he doesn't know the status of their relationship, throws to a clip of Blake and Holly... GETTING ENGAGED!
Are they really in love and serious enough to be engaged? Only they know that. Does the fact that a film crew was present and Blake slowly opens the box to reveal Neil Lane's logo make me think that someone said "Dude, just propose. What's the big deal? We'll hook you up with a ring." To use Blake's own word against him: disingenious.
Normally I don't read Reality Steve's recap until after I've written mine... but it's the finale, and it's my own rule, so I broke it today. I figured he would have more details on the engagement. Of course, he did. (He also had some cool info about a fight that may or may not have taken place at the after party. Now that you don't have to worry about spoilers, go read it.) Anyway, Neil Lane did provide the ring... which we knew. If they break up, Holly has to give the ring back. Which I figured. Like me, Reality Steve thought it was pretty douchey of Blake to propose on camera. Screams of wanting attention.
Now, for the really crappy part... Michael was not told prior to being on stage at the finale. Per Blake's tweets (which I read per Reality Steve), Blake and Holly were told she would have time to tell Michael at the finale before coming on stage. But then it didn't happen. WHAT?! You mean the people who run this show lied? You mean they did something that would make for better TV regardless of how it affected the people involved? Shocking! Just shocking.
Okay, really, Michael was the only one shocked. He and Holly, along with Graham and Michelle, came on stage to do some last minute chatting with the housemates before the voting. Chris says something like "Holly, that's fantastic news about you and Blake..." She stammers and says Michael doesn't know. Michael says "What? That you're moving?" Um, no... that she and Blake are engaged. Cue: ominous, dramatic music.
All things considered, I thought Michael handled it very well. He didn't actually turn into the Hulk. I know, I was disappointed too. Instead, he commented on how awkward it was and said "Some water would be great. Or a commercial break. Or an email." Yes, an email would have been great. But what fun would that be? Silly, Michael. This isn't about you and your broken, adorable heart. It's about TV, dangit. Blake does apologize and said he was going to call Michael. Of course, he didn't call Michael. Because then he probably would have gotten his borrowed engagement ring taken away. But, whatever.
Poor Graham and Michelle have been overshadowed at this point. Chris finally turns his attention to them to ask about their relationship. Neither of them make any definitive "Yes, we're a legit couple now" statements, but they talk about their respect for each other and how Michelle couldn't have gotten through her father's death without Graham. Graham says he was thankful to get to speak to her father and thank him for how great Michelle is. He adds that he likes to kiss Michelle from time to time. In my opinion, they genuinely seem to care about each other and may actually be forming a relationship appropriately. What a novel concept.
The others are given a chance to ask some questions to the finalist. Justin says Holly hasn't really done much, just let Michael do the work and get them this far. Michael says she really stepped up in the KA challenge and she's been a trustworthy ally all the way through. Erica says she loves Graham and Michelle and the charity work they want to do with the money, but that Michael was the best competitor.
Michelle interjects that she does not want pity votes. She would be mortified if people voted for her just because of her father's passing. When asked who deserves to win, they all pretty much answered that "deserves" is the wrong word and it would be a blessing to whomever would win it.
Everyone votes. The votes are read. Vienna's vote goes to "MoneyGram"... get it? Michelle Money and Graham. Oh, a celebrity mashup nickname. Score!
In the end, though, MoneyGram doesn't win... Michael and Holly do.
Now, for the tough part. Like last season, they can either vote to keep all the money, or split it with their partner. (Seriously, change it up, ABC. These people may not always be the smartest but it's not hard to know what to do if you've seen it done before.) If both choose "Share", both share it. If one says "Keep" and one says "Share", selfishness will be rewarded and the keeper will keep it. If both write "Keep", selfishness will be punished and neither will get the money, instead dividing it amongst the housemates.
In the "deliberation room" Michael looks all conflicted. He snarks that weddings are expensive. (Holly might be motivated to keep all of it.) No worries, buddy, if they get married, I'm sure ABC will pay so they have one more couple to parade around and act as judges at future Bachelor Pad contests.
Once they have spent the appropriate amount of time pretending they don't know what they are going to do, they return to stage. Holly quickly reveals that she has elected to share the money.
Michael talks about how much she has hurt him through this. How this is a game. Blah blah... but, nevertheless...
So, Michael and Holly share the money. And Blake sits back and grins, knowing that blindsiding Michael with news of their engagement probably garnered enough sympathy votes for him to win... and Holly to ride his coat tails all the way to the bank.
But, anyway, YAY, MICHAEL!!!!!! Now I can say "The winner of Bachelor Pad 2 tweeted me!!" My street cred is out of control, right?!
Before they are all dismissed to the after party, it's time to reveal who the next Bachelor is. In case you've been under a rock for the past three weeks.
It's Ben. Yippee. <-- Not sincere. I mean, whatever. Ashley didn't turn out as awful as I expected, so maybe Ben will end up being really cool. But, let's not get our hopes up.
So, that's that. The end of a summer of Bachelor-related hoopla.
Oh, and my last radio interview for the season... HERE (Though hopefully I've have cool stuff to report after I meet Jesse Kovacs in a few weeks. But I'll settle for just not falling and breaking my ankle or saying something completely obnoxious to him without realizing it. Both are real possibilities. I've done them before. More than once. So, yeah... fingers crossed.)
As always, let me know your thoughts on the episode (and the season in general).
Peace out, Home Skillet. (See, it's all that street cred!)
Normally I don't read Reality Steve's recap until after I've written mine... but it's the finale, and it's my own rule, so I broke it today. I figured he would have more details on the engagement. Of course, he did. (He also had some cool info about a fight that may or may not have taken place at the after party. Now that you don't have to worry about spoilers, go read it.) Anyway, Neil Lane did provide the ring... which we knew. If they break up, Holly has to give the ring back. Which I figured. Like me, Reality Steve thought it was pretty douchey of Blake to propose on camera. Screams of wanting attention.
Now, for the really crappy part... Michael was not told prior to being on stage at the finale. Per Blake's tweets (which I read per Reality Steve), Blake and Holly were told she would have time to tell Michael at the finale before coming on stage. But then it didn't happen. WHAT?! You mean the people who run this show lied? You mean they did something that would make for better TV regardless of how it affected the people involved? Shocking! Just shocking.
Okay, really, Michael was the only one shocked. He and Holly, along with Graham and Michelle, came on stage to do some last minute chatting with the housemates before the voting. Chris says something like "Holly, that's fantastic news about you and Blake..." She stammers and says Michael doesn't know. Michael says "What? That you're moving?" Um, no... that she and Blake are engaged. Cue: ominous, dramatic music.
All things considered, I thought Michael handled it very well. He didn't actually turn into the Hulk. I know, I was disappointed too. Instead, he commented on how awkward it was and said "Some water would be great. Or a commercial break. Or an email." Yes, an email would have been great. But what fun would that be? Silly, Michael. This isn't about you and your broken, adorable heart. It's about TV, dangit. Blake does apologize and said he was going to call Michael. Of course, he didn't call Michael. Because then he probably would have gotten his borrowed engagement ring taken away. But, whatever.
Poor Graham and Michelle have been overshadowed at this point. Chris finally turns his attention to them to ask about their relationship. Neither of them make any definitive "Yes, we're a legit couple now" statements, but they talk about their respect for each other and how Michelle couldn't have gotten through her father's death without Graham. Graham says he was thankful to get to speak to her father and thank him for how great Michelle is. He adds that he likes to kiss Michelle from time to time. In my opinion, they genuinely seem to care about each other and may actually be forming a relationship appropriately. What a novel concept.
The others are given a chance to ask some questions to the finalist. Justin says Holly hasn't really done much, just let Michael do the work and get them this far. Michael says she really stepped up in the KA challenge and she's been a trustworthy ally all the way through. Erica says she loves Graham and Michelle and the charity work they want to do with the money, but that Michael was the best competitor.
Michelle interjects that she does not want pity votes. She would be mortified if people voted for her just because of her father's passing. When asked who deserves to win, they all pretty much answered that "deserves" is the wrong word and it would be a blessing to whomever would win it.
Everyone votes. The votes are read. Vienna's vote goes to "MoneyGram"... get it? Michelle Money and Graham. Oh, a celebrity mashup nickname. Score!
In the end, though, MoneyGram doesn't win... Michael and Holly do.
Now, for the tough part. Like last season, they can either vote to keep all the money, or split it with their partner. (Seriously, change it up, ABC. These people may not always be the smartest but it's not hard to know what to do if you've seen it done before.) If both choose "Share", both share it. If one says "Keep" and one says "Share", selfishness will be rewarded and the keeper will keep it. If both write "Keep", selfishness will be punished and neither will get the money, instead dividing it amongst the housemates.
In the "deliberation room" Michael looks all conflicted. He snarks that weddings are expensive. (Holly might be motivated to keep all of it.) No worries, buddy, if they get married, I'm sure ABC will pay so they have one more couple to parade around and act as judges at future Bachelor Pad contests.
Once they have spent the appropriate amount of time pretending they don't know what they are going to do, they return to stage. Holly quickly reveals that she has elected to share the money.
Michael talks about how much she has hurt him through this. How this is a game. Blah blah... but, nevertheless...
So, Michael and Holly share the money. And Blake sits back and grins, knowing that blindsiding Michael with news of their engagement probably garnered enough sympathy votes for him to win... and Holly to ride his coat tails all the way to the bank.
But, anyway, YAY, MICHAEL!!!!!! Now I can say "The winner of Bachelor Pad 2 tweeted me!!" My street cred is out of control, right?!
Before they are all dismissed to the after party, it's time to reveal who the next Bachelor is. In case you've been under a rock for the past three weeks.
It's Ben. Yippee. <-- Not sincere. I mean, whatever. Ashley didn't turn out as awful as I expected, so maybe Ben will end up being really cool. But, let's not get our hopes up.
So, that's that. The end of a summer of Bachelor-related hoopla.
Oh, and my last radio interview for the season... HERE (Though hopefully I've have cool stuff to report after I meet Jesse Kovacs in a few weeks. But I'll settle for just not falling and breaking my ankle or saying something completely obnoxious to him without realizing it. Both are real possibilities. I've done them before. More than once. So, yeah... fingers crossed.)
As always, let me know your thoughts on the episode (and the season in general).
Peace out, Home Skillet. (See, it's all that street cred!)
