If you've paid any attention to the news (and I use that term loosely) this week, you've already ascertained that no one is "here for the right reasons"... which is probably why those words haven't been uttered on this show in weeks. However, the slaughter of the English language continues. I have changed my "count" to be the number of times "I" was used incorrectly.
Since I already mentioned that something has been going on in the tabloids, let me elaborate. (If you want specific links to the articles, they are on Reality Steve's site. As usual, he's had this information for weeks.) The short version is that Brad has had an on-again, off-again girlfriend for 8 years. He's told her on several occasions that he wanted to marry her, as recently as right before he left for the show. (There are texts and so forth she kept which prove it.) In other news, Chantal was also trying to get back with her ex-husband (who divorced her after she cheated on him) until not long before she left for the show. And Michelle admits she had an affair with a married NBA player.
My response? So what. I mean, is this really surprising to anyone? The entire premise of the show is that you can find true love in 6 weeks while dating up to 29 other people. While I think there are a few people who are cast on the show really believing in the process and with good motives, most people are there for some other reason. Fame, self-promotion, in the case of the Bachelor or Bachelorette - a paycheck. The fact that these people have made terrible questionable decisions in their "real" lives shocks me, um, none at all. How boring would the show be if everyone who was cast was a Tenley? If you watch because you're a hopeless romantic and you really think proposing to someone with whom you've spent maybe a total of 24 hours alone makes for a healthy relationship, finding out about the behind-the-scenes douchebaggery might upset you. But if you're reading this, I assume you're in the same boat as me. The boat that thinks the more drama, the more entertainment. Moving on...
Last night, we saw Brad and his harem in Anguilla. Or, "the most beautiful place ever". Much like the suite in Vegas and everything in Costa Rica were the most beautiful places ever. Sure, Anguilla looked pretty. It also looked pretty much like any other ocean-y location. I'm not sure I could pick it out of a tropical island line-up. It had sparkly blue water, palms trees, and sand. But, whatever. Let's all squeal and be as excited as Ashley was.
First up, Chris Harrison threw a curve ball to the girls by telling them there would be THREE one-on-one dates and one group date. Only the group date would have a rose to be handed out. (Cue gasping and emotional overreactions.)
The initial one-on-one was for Emily. As per usual, it involved them flying off in a helicopter. Emily commented that Brad always does too much on their dates. And Brad said this was one of the most romantic dates he's ever planned in his life. Again - please! Can we stop with the "Brad planned this" bit. Brad didn't get on his laptop back in Austin and Google "helicopters in Anguilla". He was too busy trying to convince his ex to take him back to be planning dates.
As dates on random sandbars private islands go, this was pretty boring. Mostly, it featured a pieced-together scene of Brad and Emily having a deep talk about how nervous they are around each other. How do I know it was pieced together? Because in some shots her hair was wet and in others it was dry. I guess they spent their budget on the helicopter and couldn't afford continuity editing.
Next up, dinner. More heartfelt conversation. This time about whether Brad would be allowed to meet Emily's daughter on a hometown date. Oh, because Brad made a big ordeal of "breaking the rules" and telling her he was giving her a rose. (Remember there was no rose on the date. He meant she was a lock at the Rose Ceremony later.) Imagine how I feel about about the validity of a relationship where there are rules about what you can and can't tell the other person. Anyway, Emily hmm-haws around about how overprotective she is of her little girl but how she realizes you could never agree to marry someone if you haven't met their child. The date ends with them making out while standing in the ocean.
Next up, Brad's date with Shawntel. They took a bike ride around town because Brad wanted to see her in an everyday environment. Really? They are going to spend every day in Anguilla? Because I thought her everyday environment was a funeral home in Chico, CA. But, sure, let's pedal around a tropical island and mingle with the locals.
Shawntel said she was "tripping out in her head a little because this is, like, my perfect date. And he had no idea." I guess she forgot she answered a question on her application that said "describe your perfect date".
Mostly they annoyed the island folk by interrupting their games of dominoes and jump rope. Then they met a wise old lady named Auntie B. She told them to hold hands and kiss and to be sure they let their parents know if it's time to get married. Translation: I've seen your stupid American TV show. I'm hoping your parents can talk some sense into you. A long shot, but maybe. Then they ended up in a park surrounded by goats.
Anguilla just got crossed off my "places to visit" list. Free-roaming goats? Kill me now. Oh wait, that's right. Goats already tried to kill me.
Shawntel told Brad she was falling in love with him. Brad told us he needed to measure his feelings for her. Fortunately, my husband was not in the room at this point as I can only imagine what sort of "feelings" he would suggest Brad was "measuring". At any rate, Brad talked some more about his daddy issues. Then it started raining.
They were both all "OMG!! RAIN!!" Seriously, why are people so surprised when it rains in the tropics? The whole reason it's "tropical" is because of the warm, damp air. It's bound to rain every now and again. But what do you do when it rains? MAKE OUT!!
I noticed both of them are "hands on the face" kissers and seemed to be competing for placement. Of course, this reminded me of a Friends episode. The One With Joey's New Brain... where he and Susan Sarandon kiss and keep trying to use their hands to block the other person's face from being on camera. Good stuff.
After the tonsil hockey, random tourists started filling the little porch where they are eating. Brad said they were in for a real treat... a concert with "none other than Bankie Banx! The most famous singer in Anguilla!"
Huh? Who? Are there a lot of famous singers in Anguilla? Did he win Anguillan Idol or something? Bottom line: never heard of the guy. It was basic island-y music. Whatever.
Mid-concert, they strip down (to swimwear) and jump in the ocean for more spit swapping. And holy giant tattoo, Batman! Shawntel has an ENORMOUS butterfly spanning her lower back. Look, I have a large tattoo on my lower back. Large enough that it can't be classified as a tramp stamp. But apparently there is an upper limit where the tattoo reverts back to "tramp stamp". I'd say that limit is somewhere around the size of Shawntel's. And it wasn't even in color. If you're going to cover half your torso in ink, at least perk it up with some color. Either way, Brad didn't seem to mind.
Next up, the lamest date ever. Well, the lamest dater ever. Brad came to pick up Britt for their date. Something about "the sea of love". He pointed out to a yacht. The girls got all jealous. Michelle, who had been relatively quiet and unpsychotic to this point, said "Apparently they are setting sail on a sea of love. There's a good chance their ship will go down." (Oh, and David was back in the room at this point. He quickly noted that "go" and "down" coming from Michelle seemed, um, tawdry.) Crazypants Michelle adds that she doesn't even see Brad friending Britt on Facebook.
Britt, however, reacts to the yacht by saying "That's not real". Poor girl. Obviously her failure to consume any food in the last 6 years has caused her to hallucinate. I mean, seriously! How skinny is this girl?!?! Can you be a food writer without actually eating food? "The salmon was plated beautifully and appeared to be quite tasty." (I read her bio on ABC and she claims she does eat... gymnast shaped cookies. For real, yo.)
Okay, so the date was too boring to spend any time on. They jumped off cliffs. Britt was scared that she'll break apart on impact. Brad said he didn't have the urge to just grab her and kiss her because she has the body of an 11 year old and he's not cool with being arrested. At dinner, he told her he wasn't going to string people along and he didn't see a future for them. She was escorted back to the house in a motorized raft. Ashley greeted her by screaming "BRITT'S BACK!!!" and asking about the date. Britt informed them she was being sent home. She cried a little but all in all was pretty dignified and seemed to not have terribly strong feelings for Brad either.
Finally, the group date. Brad snuck in the girls' room at 2:07 AM and woke them up, telling them they had to be out of the house in 10 minutes. Commence freaking out.
They arrived at a place full of hair and makeup people and were told they would be doing a photo shoot that would be in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition! SQUEEE!! And it would be on new stands February 15th. Wait. That's today! What are the chances?!?!
Ashley freaked out because she has "no boobs" and had to be photographed booblessly in a bikini. Chantal said she felt like a fatty that day. And, of course, Crazypants was all "I've done some modeling."
First up, Ashley gets talked into taking off her top and covering her non-boobies with seashells. Chantal did some rolling around in the sand and then took off her top and covered her giant bazoombas with her arm. Of course, a dramatic black bar covered them anyway. David then commented "Um, her arms are covering more of her breasts than her bikini top was. Why are the other two girls acting so *GASP*!?" Excellent point. And yes, he said "breasts". Sometimes he does use the classier, more technical terms. Sometimes he says "jugs". It's all about balance.
Brad described the experience as hot but awkward. Speaking of awkward, Michelle declined to go topless. Instead, she opted for dry humping Brad in the sand and sloppily making out with him. She then told us that "...if everyone had walked away, it would have gotten crazy in Anguilla". No, sweetie, it got crazy in Anguilla when their Customs officer stamped your passport and allowed you to enter.
What followed after the beach porn was a bunch of annoying crap. Brad said about 400 times how he felt bad for letting things with Michelle get so intense and upset the other girls. The girls all whined about how they were uncomfortable and weepy for various reasons. Brad talked to each of them and reassured them. Repeat scenario multiple times. Except for Michelle. He told her that he thought they were a lot like each other and that scared him. After their physical attraction settled down, would they be left with a volatile relationship? Translation: Today, when you were raping me, I realized you're a little crazy.
He gave the rose to Ashely because he felt like she was the least secure in their relationship. Of course, that made Chantal - who thought they were the most secure in their relationship - have an emotional breakdown. Brad called it the date from hell but dutifully tried to convince her that Ashley getting a rose didn't mean she wasn't getting one at the Rose Ceremony.
Finally, the Cocktail Party. Except, wait, what's that? Brad wants to talk to Chris Harrison? I guess his life coach / therapist was unavailable. He told Chris he was already sure of his decision tonight and didn't think it was fair to subject the girls to a cocktail party. Chris went and broke the news to the women. Michelle told the camera that if she got sent home, she would be (bleeping) (bleeped).
So then, onto the roses...
- Ashley already had one.
- Emily was told she was a lock, so no surprise there.
- Shawntel got the next rose because, let's face it, we need to see her at home in her mortuary freaking Brad out.
And finally... who will it be? Michelle versus Chantal.
More play-by-play from David: "Oooh, if it's not Michelle, she's going to burn the island down! Her fangs will come out. I hope the reason Jeff came up with Brad just now is to give him some body armor."
Me: "That's Chris. Jeff is on Survivor."
David: "He could probably use help from Jeff too then..."
So, finally, who will it be?!
- Chantal
Did anyone else flinch and stick their hands in front of them to protect themselves in the event Crazypants busted through the TV screen?
Instead, she walked out with Brad, declined to hold his hand or speak to him and then got in the limo. Then she laid over on the seat and just rocked back and forth. Rocked back and forth like a crazy person.
My husband's wise analysis of the situation: "This is how horror films end when you know there's going to be a sequel where someone comes back and kills everyone."
So, next week - provided Crazypants doesn't come back and kill everyone - we're headed to the hometowns. My favorite!
