Resolution Check-Up

Well, Christmas is over (hope you had a great one) and our thoughts turn to New Year's Resolutions. Last year, I resolved not to make any resolutions I didn't think I could keep. They just make me feel bad about myself. Where's the fun in that? Instead, I made a list of realistic goals for myself. Now, a year later, it's time to see how I did.

First, let's review my list from last year:

Okay, it's time for the results:

• Don't get any fatter: Accomplished-ish The scale hasn't exactly been friendly but I'm still wearing the same size clothes as I was a year ago. So that counts.
• Hone psychic abilities: CLASSIFIED If I have accomplished this, telling all of you doesn't seem like the wisest choice. Someone would just kidnap me and make me predict things for them.
• Avoid messy rooms: Accomplished I even junked up a few extra rooms just so I could avoid them. Then we closed off the vents to those rooms. It's saving on our heat and air bill. And none of my junk is ending up in a landfill. You're welcome, Environment.
• Don't actually punch anyone: I can't discuss this on the advice of counsel.
• Learn ventriloquism:  Accomplished My lips are not moving at all while I'm typing this.
• Buy an iPhone 3Gs and a faster computer for more efficient computing: Accomplished-ish I did buy a faster computer. And we upgraded to a much faster internet speed and set up a wireless network at the house. I did not buy a 3Gs. Or an iPhone 4. That's right, I still have the archaic 2G. But I'm convinced there will be a 4G device announced at the Development Conference in June. So I'm holding out. (I did not resolve to be less nerdy this year.)
• Watch less TV, yeah right: NAILED IT! Not only did I watch more TV than ever, I started blogging about TV. I'm an overachiever. What can I say?
• Learn to sleep with my eyes open: I'm sorry, were you saying something? I must have dozed off.
• Spend all day wondering what other silly resolutions I could have made: Accomplished As if there was any doubt.

In other words, I think I did awesome this year. Now, onto wondering what not to resolve this year...

(Oh, and for the one actual thing I resolved - Participate in Project 365 and take a picture every day - I mostly accomplished this. I got tired of posting my progress but I'd say I did manage to photograph something about 90% of the time. So, that's a win in my book.)

~What about you? Did you accomplish any resolutions you made last year? Any real or really ridiculous things you'll be resolving for 2011?~

Because I can't send you all a Christmas card...

I wish I could send all of you a Christmas card. More than that, my relatives who work for the postal service wish I could send all of you a Christmas card. But I can't. And, let's face it, I kind of get why you might not want me to have your home address. So, please accept this computerized version and all my best wishes for a happy, low-stress, super fun holiday season.



Don't you love how the cat looks like she wants us all to die? Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like being clawed in the jugular.

Between Victorian and Victoria's Secret

I must confess something: I'm a bit of a prude. Not in the Victorian "can't show any skin at all" kind of way. Just in a "keep private things private" kind of a way. So, when I was getting married, I requested not to have a lingerie shower. Or a bachelorette party. The idea of my friends buying me underwear and sheer, lacy bits kind of skeeved me out a little. Plus, I wasn't terribly excited about mentioning what size my unmentionables were. Still, I asked David if having a good collection of lingerie was important to him. He answered that, of all the guys he knew, maybe two of them cared about that sort of thing. He wasn't one of them.  Whew! Sigh of relief.

Fortunately, my close group of friends generally shared my outlook. I've been to just one or two lingerie showers and zero bachelorette parties in my life. Some might argue that I've been deprived by not having drunk a Coke with anatomically correct ice cubes but I'm pretty okay with it. To each her own... if you're into frilly attire or the crazy "last fling before the ring", go for it. Me, not so much.

When I got into decorating cakes, I didn't give a lot of thought to the world of body part pastries. I mean, sure, I once made a boob cake for a lady at work. For her 65th birthday. But that's another story. Anyway, whenever people ask me about cakes for lingerie showers or bachelorette parties, I hold my breath and think "Please don't want man junk. Please don't want man junk." Because, sorry, I'm not making a cake with man junk. Period. Or woman junk, for that matter. (Don't Google Image Search "Bachelorette cakes". Seriously. Don't.)

Luckily, I've not had any requests for junk specifically. But what is with the torso cake craze? And do real women actually wear hot pink, lace-up corsets? Call me a finicky artist, but I talk people out of those. I just don't find a disembodied midsection to be very festive. And I sure don't want people being all "Yay! Audreya makes the best torsos!" It's just... eeew. When asked for lingerie shower cakes, I try suggesting something like a pretty gown. Everyone seems to want bras and panties. At least it's not a torso. Or junk. Right?

My first question is always "Is this something the bride will want or you (bridesmaids, hostesses, etc.) want for her?" Recently I had a lingerie shower request that started out as a boobalicious corset torso. For a bride I knew. A very demure, shy girl. And both her mother and mother-in-law were invited to the shower. I expressed my concerns to the hostesses and we finally decided on a bra and panties cake. On a zebra background.

Last week, I had a request for a combination lingerie shower / bachelorette party. With a theme of "lips and kisses and stuff". Obviously I panicked. But, thank goodness, the girls had a bra and panties cake in mind. And this bride is still not a wild and crazy, dance on the table type, but I didn't feel at all like it would embarrass her. (At this point, some of you are thinking "Why do you care if it embarrasses the bride? She'll be mad at her friends, not you." But I live in a town of 4,000. Being the 'naughty cake lady' wouldn't be doing myself any favors. Or not the right kind of favors, anyway.)

So, here's what I came up with. I still erred on the side of caution (see also: prude) but I think it's okay. (Pardon the iPhone-ness of the picture. And, in person, it doesn't look so shiny and vinyl and dominatrix-y. Or so lumpy. Thanks, iPhone.) It's supposed to be a gift box (I didn't make a lid - long story) and David my apprentice said the "stuff coming out of it" looks like a sheet, not tissue paper - which is what I was going for. Is it my favorite cake ever? No. Am I so glad it's not man junk? YES!!

~ What about you? Where do you land on the body part-lingerie-wild and crazy cakes?  ~

DINKYPOP Christmas

A while back, I heard one friend describe another friend and her husband as "Dinks". Dinks? Huh? I didn't want to appear foolish, so I just laughed and was all "Yeah, they are such dinks." Then I made a mental note to Google it later. And lo and behold, I'm a dink too!

Dual Income, No Kids (in fact, there's a further subset I fit in even better - DINKYPOP - Dual Income, No Kids, Yet Plenty Of Pets.)

David and I make pretty average salaries for our age group and where we live. We drive pretty average cars, live in a pretty average house, etc. The difference? We only split our income two ways (and a small amount for the pets portion of our DINKYPOPness) and don't have expenses such as child care or frequently-outgrown clothing. (Well, I have outgrown some clothing lately, but that's different. And depressing.) If we want something like a DVD or a new sweater throughout the year, we can normally just go buy it. If we want something on the more expensive side, we save up for a couple of months and then go buy it. It's primarily a blessing, with a tiny sprinkling of 'curse' added in there.

Okay, 'curse' is not at all the right word. It's a challenge. In the long-term sense, it's challenging to know that if we do add a child in the mix, we'll have to do a serious overhaul on our spending and priorities. But in the short-term, it's challenging because I have no freaking idea what I want for Christmas.

I even went to Gifts.com and took their personality profile. It said I was a hipster and showed me a lot of things related to mustaches. You already know how I feel about mustaches.

Talk about your #FirstWorldProblem, right?

David keeps asking what I want. I keep shrugging my shoulders or throwing out random items. Um, a new hoodie? I suggested a new printer. He said printers were a lame Christmas gift and I could get it another time. We normally try to keep our gifts to each other in the $50-ish range. (See also: we buy what we want during the year. There's just no need to get extravagant Christmas gifts.) We've had a great year. We got a new computer in the spring. We took an awesome vacation in the fall. I'm currently a test subject in a case study for my massage therapist (see, I told you my life was rough). I'm not a big jewelry wearer. And, after listing all of that, I feel spoiled enough already and should probably just tell him to donate the $50 to needy children.

But, if anyone has a good DINKYPOP Christmas gift suggestion, I'm all ears. Well, eyes. And I'm sure David would be grateful too - especially since he's running out of time to buy online.

Lions and tigers and cupcakes, oh my!

Since all my posts have been so gripey lately, I thought it might be a good idea to post something happy to round out the week.  How about cupcakes for my cousin's 2nd birthday?

I mean, sure, I could complain that I wanted to use fondant but then, at the last minute, decided against it... and now wish I had. Or that my elephants are too blue. But whatever, I won't. They're fun. Kids like zoo animals.

And they're gluten-free.

A Flowchart: Can this picture go on Facebook?

Following last week's rant about Facebook - especially the pictures people post - I thought it might be helpful to make a flowchart. Just keep in mind that I haven't made a flowchart in ages. And that I didn't have spell check. And that, given my rudimentary flowchart skills, it was not possible to cover every scenario.

So, if just don't feel like you can make an accurate assessment of what pictures are Facebook-worthy, maybe this chart will come in handy. Or, more likely, consider passing it on to some of your friends. Yeah, you know the ones.

The Blog Flu

Last week, I came down with a case of the Blog Flu. It's highly contagious. I caught it from Savannah.

Symptoms include: general malaise towards blogging, aversion to reading blogs, acute frustration at your own blog, random desire to change your blog's title, contemplation of blog suicide, "Is anyone even reading this?" syndrome, superblogger disdain, headache, dizziness. (Okay, I added headache and dizziness for good measure. They just seem to be in every list of symptoms and side effects.)

I suspect most everyone goes through this. In fact, most everyone writes a post about it at one point or another. I think it might be part of a larger social media syndrome. Clearly I've also become frustrated with Facebook as of late. I think sometimes we just put so much of ourselves out there in various online formats that eventually we're drained. And while the generation ahead of us might say "If it hurts, stop doing it", it's not quite that easy. I've made new friends and maintained existing friends due largely in part to blogging / Facebook / Twitter, etc. It's a way to connect that works for me, even if I hit the occasional pothole.

Nevertheless, Savannah and I moped about our Blog Flu. We talked about our symptoms. Some are the same, others aren't. We must have different strains. Still, the more we talked, the more confident I felt that Blog Flu was like any other strain; eventually it will run its course. But often not before some icky stuff comes out of you.

Get your Germ-X handy because I'm about to sneeze my icky stuff on you.  *AAA-CHOOO*

I love to write. I think best when I'm writing. I have a lot of opinions and impressions of the world and I like sharing them. This blog seems like a good place to do that. I hope that the way I write is representative of who I am. If what's on my mind that day is pants that don't fit or how much I dislike goats, that's what I'm going to write about. I like to discuss movies I watched. I was texting Bachelor and Dancing With The Stars commentary to my dear, long-suffering BFF, so putting it on here seemed like a natural move. Basically, when you're here, you're sitting in on my therapy session. If you don't "get me", that's fine. If you're looking for a brand or a theme, you probably won't find it here. I don't expect this blog to lead to a book deal or an appearance on TV. Unless you were here to offer me those things. In which case, I take it back. If someone's blog pays their bills or springboards them into larger endeavors, that's great for them. I just don't write with that goal in mind. I might do a giveaway or a product review every now and then, but again, that's not my purpose here.

My main objectives are to share and to connect. I put my thoughts out there. I like it when people feel compelled to comment back. At the same time, I don't view comments and stats as "score-keeping". I find it interesting what people do and don't respond to, but I don't feel like I've failed if something doesn't get a lot of attention. It's important to me to interact. If you take the time to leave me a comment, I try to reply unless it was completely rhetorical or there wasn't really anything productive to add. I choose blogs to read not because I have everything in common with the author but because I enjoy their point of view, even if it's something I can't relate to (see also: baby poop). I don't know why people read what I write, but I hope it's for similar reasons. I don't fully understand the popularity of "superbloggers". I mean, I enjoy some of their content but I rarely leave a comment. If they already have 1000+ comments, I have a hard time believing mine won't just get lost in the crowd. Or, if I do comment, it's because I've seen an author who engages with readers, not just has a one-sided conversation.

Bottom line: I might get a touch of the Blog Flu every now and then and wonder why I'm doing this, but I like it. That's all. If I stop liking it and it starts to be a chore, I'll stop doing it. If reading my stuff feels like a chore to you, take me out of your reader. It's okay. I'm going to keep doing my thing. It's a big blogosphere and there's room for all of us. We can be awesome for different reasons.

Now, I find you should feed a Blog Flu instead of starving it. Who's got a candy bar?

Facebook: Here are the ways in which you've annoyed me today

Remember back before we had blogs and smartphones and *gasp* Facebook? We did crazy things like mailed letters and used our phones to talk to people. Generally speaking, I don't miss those days. I'm all about email and texting and randomly getting a friend request from someone I haven't seen in 20 years. But lately, Facebook is getting on my nerves. Not so much the layout and the settings and all that; that's a whole different topic. More the content.

I don't want to be too ranty (except you know it will turn out that way despite my best efforts) or imply I've never done any of these things... and I don't want anyone to think I'm singling them out because I wouldn't even be mentioning something if I hadn't see it done countless times. But here are some of the things that annoy me most:

• Crimes against my eyes:

Watching a football game from a roller coaster?
(*not from an actual friend's album)

If the picture isn't self-explanatory, use a caption. I'm glad you had a nice time on your vacation, but what's the point of sharing it with me if you aren't going to tell me anything about it? If the picture is sideways, rotate it. There are handy little arrows. If your picture is blurry, don't post it. Not every picture is fabulous. That's okay. And there is no reason to post self-portraits in front of the bathroom mirror while wearing a bikini top (or no top, for that matter.) I left MySpace for a reason.

• Cyber PDA

"I love my wifey" does not need to be your status 47 times a week. I love my hubby. I assume you know that since I married him and stuff. The occasional doting spouse comment is kind of sweet. If that's all you post, gag. (Related to this - and pointed out by a friend earlier this week - "couple" pages are annoying. "JackJill Smith", really? Why?)  Flip side: If you're going through a rough patch, keep the details out of my news feed.

• "Find out your animal spirit guide"

If you want to rely on a Facebook quiz to tell you what your name means or what dog breed you would be, go for it. But when the box comes up to ask if you want to share the results, say no. Or, if it won't let you say no, the app sucks go to your profile page and delete the post. Same goes for Farmville and all that jazz.

• Ultrasound Pictures as Profile Pics

This falls in the Crimes Against My Eyes category but I feel like it deserves an explanation. Here it is: I don't want to see your uterus. I am thrilled you have the gift of life growing inside you. But I personally don't need proof. Maybe have a "Pregnancy" album to post your ultrasound and ever-expanding tummy pics. But not as your profile picture, please. Because when you leave me a comment, I feel like the fetus left the comment and then I start picturing scenes from Alien and it freaks me out.

• Jane Doe: Hey Sally, call me.

Jane, in the future, click on Sally's name. That will take you to her page. Then put your message in the "Write something..." box. When you are on your own page and put it in the "What's on your mind?" box, everyone sees it. Except Sally. Because she probably doesn't know how to use Facebook either.

• Tell me, did you sail across the sun? Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded?

It's a good song. I get it. It speaks to you in some profound, metaphysical way. It's not a status update. Also not cool: "I have a secret", "I just threw up", "~*JuStIn BiEbeR is HotTTtt*!" But what do I know? I am a bad person who doesn't love Jesus because I refuse to copy and paste a status in honor of Penguin Awareness Week. (No worries, 97% of you didn't either.)

That just covers the things that have grated my nerves today. We won't even touch on grammar or spelling. (Okay, maybe just a little: You're = you are / Your = something you possess.) I know some of you are thinking "Then why do you even get on Facebook?" Some days, I wonder. But overall, I do like knowing what people are up to, hearing their take on the world around them, seeing how their kids are growing, and that sort of thing. I appreciate when people aren't sure how to do something on Facebook and they ask for help. I love the sense of an extended community. Sometime I just have to vent about the photos of bloody deer carcases and people who click "Like" to 493 pages a day. **One last thing that I feel I should mention anytime I speak of Facebook. Regardless of your privacy settings, it's not private! Anyone with basic computing skills can take a screen shot of your page and share it with your boss, your ex, the police, etc. Think before you post.**

Dare I ask what your Facebook pet peeves are? (Probably the million blog posts about Facebook pet peeves, right?)