Blog Birthday Giveaway!!

This blog turns 1 year old on Friday (July 2nd)!!

It's actually been way more fun than I imagined. And much cheaper than therapy! Plus, as an added bonus, I've proved my mother wrong. It turns out I'm not the only one who thinks I'm funny.

To say thank you, I wanted to give something away. This is not a giveaway in the sense that a company approached me and wanted me to pimp their product. Not saying I'd be opposed to that... just it's not the case. This is just me... buying something to give to you for being awesome.

~~So, in honor of my blog's birthday... and a little bit in honor of the fact that there's a movie that just opened and I'm rather looking forward to seeing it... I've decided a $20 Fandango gift certificate would be the perfect gift. ~~

All you have to do to be entered is to leave a comment below with the following items:

• 1. Your name and an email address (or have one on your profile) where I can send the certificate if you win. (You might want to spell out 'at' and 'dot' so the evil spam bots don't track you down.)
• 2. A sentence or two telling me why you read my blog or what you enjoy or what you'd like to see more or less of... something along those lines. (Negative criticism will not get you disqualified. Probably. Okay, fine. It won't.)

Enter by 12:00PM (noon) Central Time on Friday. (July 2nd)

Why the second one? Because though I always welcome new readers and new Twitter followers, I'm not doing this just to troll for them. I'd really like to hear what my current readers like, don't like, etc.  There are no bonus entries for following, tweeting, posting a blog about this, etc. However, please feel free to do those things if you'd like! And if you do happen to be a new visitor, that's cool too... you can still enter. But I hope you'll stay around! I'd much rather have friends than 'followers'.

Thanks for a great year! Here's hoping for many more!!

Fine print: One entry per person. You can leave an anonymous comment but make sure the body of it includes your name and email address. I'll use a random number generator and the comment that corresponds with that number will be the winner. You can see any movie with the certificate; you don't have to see Eclipse. I'm not affiliated with any company or being given anything for this giveaway. I'm using Fandango because I've used them before, not because they asked me to. There's probably more fine print I should spew forth but I just made this giveaway up, so don't sue me. Oh... David, Mom, Dad, Aryca... you're not eligible. I've already given you so much. :-)

The Bachelorette: Week 6

Is it Week 6? Or Week 46? They are all starting to run together. It's becoming like Peyton Manning Gambino (aka Craig)'s douchey hat collection. I can't keep them straight. But never mind that... we're in Turkey! Hooray!! Ali is super excited to have learned that 13 million people live in Istanbul. To celebrate, she greets us in yet another weird outfit, complete with bright orange boots that made me wonder if she'd just slid her feet into traffic cones.  And also, her roots badly need touching up. Justin can get a cast cut off in Iceland but no one can get this girl to a salon? Come on. It doesn't matter though because, according to Ali, nothing can go wrong at this point. Another person that doesn't watch horror movies, apparently. Saying nothing can go wrong is like saying "Hey Universe, hit me with your best shot!" She didn't even knock on wood. Wait, is that a knock I hear? Yes, it is...

Knock, knock... it's Chris Harrison.

Oooh, this can't be good!! What are the chances he's going to have some news to prove her "nothing can go wrong theory" false? I'd say 110%. In fact, maybe he's going to tell her that Jessie, from last season, wants Ali to call her... and when she does (after the phone rings eleventy times, like she wasn't expecting the call) Jessie is going to say "Hold on, let me put you on the phone with Jessica, Justin's girlfriend..."  Dum, da, dum! (Remember - that's my ominous music.) At this point, Ali is probably the only one surprised to find out that Justin has not one but TWO girlfriends. (Unless you are just fantastic at avoiding spoilers... because Reality Steve has had this confirmed for months. Even People Magazine covered it. Either way, it's legit.) According to Jessica, they talked about Justin going on the show to promote his career but he promised he'd leave if he made Top 3 and then return to marry her. I'm just going to avoid all discussion of how stupid she may or may not be and leave it at the fact that she knew he was going on the show.

After Ali hangs up, Chris Harrison says "Sooory!" Did anyone else think he sounded like a total surfer dude? He and Ali discuss this gnarly turn of events and decide she better go bust out the bogus bro. (PS: Was Chris Harrison wearing a white t-shirt, fuchsia deep V sweater AND a blazer? I guess this is what happens when he's out of the country and his wife can't dress him.) Anyway, as if talking to the girlfriend weren't enough, Chris pours some salt in the wound by showing her a picture of Justin and Jessica and then says he's been sneaking out to call her during filming. Ali says she is "beyond pissed" and "if he wants to come here and embarrass himself, go ahead... but he's not going to embarrass me."  Sweetie, you're on a dating show... for the second time. A few weeks ago, you dry humped someone under the guise of making a Barenaked Ladies video. Last week, you were so completely hammered during the group date that I thought you were going to pass out in the hot spring and drown yourself. Believe me, when your grandkids watch this show someday, Justin will be one of the least embarrassing parts.

Ali arrives at the guys' suite and jumps right in, claws bared. "So, this has been a hard road, huh? Probably more so for you, JUSTIN, because you miss your GIRLFRIEND back in CANADA!!" At this point, I was hoping the bald bouncer guy from the Jerry Springer Show would jump up to restrain her, but he didn't. Instead, Justin forms an eloquent rebuttal of "I'm ooooout... F you!" and grabs his escape bag as he bolts for the door. Ali chases after him. You know, because that won't be embarrassing. The other guys sit in the suite and cuss and bad mouth him and say how many "good dudes" went home so Justin could stay.  Really? Who, specifically? The Shooter? Silent Chris aka my cousin Jason circa 1988? Kasey the unicorn-riding Fraggle? The Weatherwoman? Maybe amend that to "some slightly less lame dudes went home already", although that's a bit of a stretch too. Kirk says Justin's t-shirt shouldn't have said "Rated R" but should have said "LIAR!!" Kirk has a bright future ahead of him in marketing, methinks.

In the courtyard, Ali catches up with Justin. He says he'll talk off camera. She says no. He walks off. She says "You're going to regret this! You're going to wish you'd talked it out!"  Oh Ali, rookie mistake! Guys rarely want to talk it out. They want to end arguments one of four ways: with booze, with boobies, with sleeping, with total oblivion like it never happened. They don't want to "talk it out". If you wanted that, you should have kept the Weatherwoman around. Instead, you kept someone whose profession is "fake wrestler". You made your bed, now lie in it. I can't help it you discovered it's a crusty old motel bed with questionable stains. Justin continues to try to escape. He attempts to go in a locked door but is shooed away by a waiter. He then becomes quite glad he got the plaster cast off as he hikes through a water feature. I'm sure the hotel loved that. Finally, Justin circles back to Ali. She says he must have walked around until he had time to get his story together, like all liars do. It's good Ali is now an expert in male behavior. Justin says some b.s. about Jessica being his best friend and he doesn't recall saying he'd marry her and he's sorry and he has the rose Ali gave him in his pocket if she wants it back. He also says "you know" after every third word. Ali lectures him on honor and integrity, of which she is an expert (Integrity... see also: dry humping on camera). Anyway, Ali argued her point. Not well though... perhaps she should have had Mr. Attorney Gambino come cross-examine Justin. Finally, Justin leaves... as a voice over plays with several messages he'd left Jessica, including one that stated he was in Iceland, lest we question that maybe they were previous messages. Or maybe they were and Justin just goes to Iceland a lot. It's kind of by Canada, right?

License to kill...

It's time to renew my driver's license. It expires in a few days. On my birthday. Saturday. The 26th. Hint, hint.  Every time I have to renew my driver's license, I think of the very first time I had to renew my license. It's also when I came pretty close to adding "homicidal maniac" to my resume.

At 16, after only one unsuccessful attempt at passing my driving test (which was totally not my fault), I finally wrapped my fingers around the Golden Ticket. A small piece of plastic that said I could drive anywhere I wanted and was no longer tethered to my parents. Never mind the fact that I was a total loser and had nowhere to go. Or that the 3 friends I had already had their own licenses. It was a big deal.

When I turned 21, my license expired. I was all too eager to cash in my old one and rid myself of the bright red "Under 21" stripe. Never mind that I don't drink and can count on one hand the number of times I've gone places that required me to be carded.  It signified I was an official grown up. It was a big deal.

In stereotypical DMV fashion, the man assisting me with my renewal was as curmudgeonly as they come. Clearly not sharing my excitement over turning 21, he went through a few routine questions, made me look in the little box to make sure I hadn't gone blind, etc. Finally, he got to the height and weight portion of the process. Yes, Illinois is one of those states that believes in publicly humiliating its citizens by printing their weight on the ID for everyone to see. (Of course, as both the daughter and the wife of police officers, I 'get' it. But still. It sucks.) Looking down at 16 year old Audreya's ID, he said some words that nearly cost him the few remaining hairs on his head.

"125 pounds? You want to update that, right?"

NO! I don't want to update that. I want to kick you repeatedly.  I mean, seriously, dude! Sure, you have to ask. But you don't have to do it so smugly! How about "Are the height and weight still accurate?" Asking a young woman her weight is like as a guy to measure his... well, it's just a bad idea. Now I'm not nearly as sensitive as I was a decade ago. I've come to terms with my weight (and how it is a considerably larger number than back then). But at 21, having a strange, hateful man publicly call me out on having gained a few was grounds for fire-breathing.

"Fine. 135."  I muttered through my teeth. "But it's mostly muscle. I wear a size 8. Can you put that on there?"   (The answer is "No", by the way.) So I took my stupid new license and left the building quickly before I broke out either in tears or a murderous rage.

A year later, I became a permanent Arkansas resident and gratefully pocketed my new license... due in large part to the fact that they don't print your weight on your ID.

And what have I learned in the 10 years since?  That I should have said "I sure do want to update that. Make that 105 pounds please. How nice of you to notice."

Aaah, if only I could be as skinny now as I was back when I thought I was fat! At least I'm wittier now, right? No? Oh come on, throw me a bone! Or a Snickers.

The Bachelorette: Week 5

Week 5 of Ali's journey to love takes her and the guys to Iceland. I wish I could be in Iceland right now. Today, the heat index was 107 degrees. Yesterday, it was 110. It's the kind of heat where walking 9 steps from the house to the car makes you want to die. So, if nothing else, it was refreshing to watch scenes of ice and snow. In fact, that might have been the only refreshing thing about this week's episode.

(Side note: I'm working out of town again tomorrow, so I'm writing this hastily so I can get to bed. I normally proofread these things. I probably won't tonight. But I will make fun of the guys' grammar a lot. Please cut me some slack on my own...  you know, since I admitted it up front and all.)

First, we see more cheesy homemade travel videos... this time of the guys learning Icelandic on the plane. You know, I hear the best way to learn a foreign language - especially a kooky one like Icelandic - is by reading it off a note taped to the back of your airplane seat.  In the meantime, Ali uses every adjective out there to describe Iceland: beautiful, gorgeous, fantastic, phenomenal. Ugh. It's pretty. We get it.

Finally, we arrive in the town's square where Chris Harrison is wearing a too-small sweater over 14 additional layers of clothing. Apparently Banana Republic was out of warm jackets. He tells us this week will feature a one-on-one, a group date, and a two-on-one. Predictably, only one rose will be given out on the two-on-one. And, if that wasn't exciting enough, the guy have to compete for their shot at the one-on-one. By writing poetry. I should have just turned it off at this point.

Attention ABC and Mike Fleiss: We're over the poetry / song writing contests. We already know these guys are giant tools. PLEASE stop subjecting us to their attempts at creativity. Thanks.

Of course, everyone freaks out about the poems, then bothers the locals to teach them Icelandic phrases, thus proving why other countries think we Americans are obnoxious. Kasey complains that one hour is not enough time for the poem. Um, didn't you spout off some totally rockin' lyrics last week... off the top of your head? This should be a breeze! Maybe Frank can help you. Not surprisingly, he confesses to having written "a number" of love poems. Oh man, just when I was starting to forget he was a no-talent hack aspiring screenwriter, he has to remind me. And then, in what will prove to be the night's biggest surprise, Chris N. speaks. I have no idea what he said - I was still focused on my epiphany from last week where he looks exactly like my cousin Jason, circa 1988. Back to Kasey. He tells us he needs the one-on-one date to be able to see her heart. Hey, remember in Episode 2 or so when I thought that one guy wanted to kill her in the laundry room? I think we just found him an accomplice.

Most of the poems were too sucky to bother recapping. Raise your hand if you're surprised. Oh, no one. Imagine that. I did enjoy Peyton Manning Gambino (aka Craig)'s poem:

     "(something something) made up Icelandic and took a chance. I'll do anything to win your heart and end this journey in your pants with romance."

Oh, come on! Surely I wasn't the only one who totally thought he was going to end that with "in your pants" instead of "with romance"! 

Chris N. apparently used up all his eloquence for his In The Moment interview because he just said some nonsensical things, rhymed "out" with "out" and made everyone die a little inside.

Kirk said she had root beer eyes. I thought that was kind of weird, but I like root beer... so whatever.

Frank did recite his poem with unnecessary theatrics and a strange German accent. He also said "the girl I love, she made me weak in the knees". I hate you, Frank. "the girl, she"... drop the pronoun, you redundant, beady-eyed freak! Whew, I feel better.

And Kasey, oh Kasey. You thought he mumbled before! Well, this took the gold medal in mumbling. Even the guys couldn't understand him. However, given his awesome lyrics last week, I doubt we missed anything.

Kirk wins the one-on-one date. The other guys whine. This is a whiny, whiny group of men. Maybe none of them feel well. I notice my husband's whining really hits its stride when he doesn't feel well. Or maybe they are just lame. Who's to say, really?

Belated Father's Day Post

"Don't pee on me again!"

Yesterday was Father's Day. In addition to not getting my dad a present (relax, people, I bought his lunch... and left him alone all day, which was what he said he really wanted as a gift), I also didn't follow suit with the hundreds of Father's Day posts. I didn't post about my dad on Facebook. I didn't participate in the #thingsmydadtaughtme Twitter topic. And no, none of it is an indication of how I feel about my dad. I love my dad. It's more an indication of the following facts:  A) The 'big event' this weekend was my niece's first birthday party.  B) I didn't do a Mother's Day post and I was trying to be fair.  C) It was so freaking hot that I couldn't think of anything inspiring.

So, well-rested and enjoying the A/C, I thought I'd share one of the my favorite lessons my dad taught me. It was hard to pick since he taught me a lot of things. Just to name a few:

• 
  
  "Life's not fair. Deal with it." (Which is why this post is ok, despite no similar Mother's Day post.)
• 
  
  "If you wreck your car because you swerved to miss an animal, I will be furious. Just hit the (bleeping) animal." (I won't mention that he wrecked a car by swerving to miss an animal about 3 weeks after this sage advice.)



"Don't let your Mom
pick out curtains"

• 
  
  There is a cuss word for every emotion. If you aren't sure which one is best, just string them all together. (And he didn't care if we also used them, but if we said "F" or "GD" in front of Mom, he was not responsible for what happened next.)
• 
  
  If you call and say "Is Mom there?" he will say "Yes, thank you for checking" and hang up.
• 
  
  Answer only the question you are asked (see above) or else you'll never hold up in court. (He's a retired State Trooper - which is why he was in court a lot - and I don't know why he assumed I would be too.)
• 
  
  Screw up all you want... just don't lie about it.
• 
  
  Stay out of trees.

Stay out of trees? Yes, that might be my favorite. Anytime I was leaving the house, hanging up the phone, etc. he would end with "Stay out of trees". I never understood why. I'd ask why and he'd say something like "It's just a good idea in general..."

****

"You're David's problem
now!"

In December of 2008, my parents had just bought a second home in Arkansas. They were going to be arriving a couple of days after Christmas but my mom wanted the house to look festive when she got there. I was sent over to set up their Christmas tree. I have one of those pre-lit trees where the branches fold down and you just fluff them a little. (I don't give a crap about Christmas, you might recall). I'd forgotten how horrible the "stick each individual branch in the pole" trees were.

An hour or so later, I looked like I'd been in a cat fight. My arms were scratched and bloody. I called my dad to vent about how Christmas was stupid and Mom had better not ask me to set up that monstrosity again. And that if I got tetanus or something, he was paying my medical bills.

"Cheer for Notre Dame...period."

"No I'm not. It's not my fault you didn't listen," he argued.

"Listen to what?!" I screeched.

"How many times have I told you to stay out of trees?!"

At that point, I asked him if he'd been telling me that for 30 years just to build up to this moment in time. He laughed and said "No, it's just a good idea in general..."

"If all else fails, don a sombrero."

A David Moment: Procrastination

This week's David moment took place Wednesday night at church. (Our Wednesday night format is about an hour of Bible classes and then everyone meets in the auditorium for about 10 minutes... a couple of songs and a short devotional.) The young man giving the devotional spoke about procrastination. It should be noted that the conversation David and I had was at a very low whisper. And yes, Mom, I know we should just be quiet.

Speaker: The definition of procrastination is a counterproductive deferment of tasks.
Me: See, I don't procrastinate. I'm more productive under pressure. I crastinate.
David: Huh?
Me: Like you can be pro-active. Or just active.
David: Shouldn't it be concrastinate?
Me: Why would it be concrastinate?
David: Because the opposite of 'pro' is 'con'... duh.

I'm not sure if he's trying to look like an ex-con
or telling someone to steal 2nd base.

Also, I meant to post this yesterday, but I didn't get around to it.  My bad.

Tony Hayward looks like someone...

A few months ago, no one had a clue who Tony Hayward was. Then oil began pouring into the Gulf of Mexico at a rate of eleventy thousand barrels per day. Before long, a kind-looking British man made a TV commercial telling us all how sorry he was and that he'd clean it up. That's how we all met Tony Hayward. And, while I don't want to seem irreverent about the oil spill, there's something else that has been bothering me ever since I started seeing Tony Hayward on TV.

WHO DOES HE LOOK LIKE?!?!

I know it's someone. I'm pretty sure it's someone British. If it's someone British, there's a good likelihood it's an actor, because I don't personally know a lot of British guys. Or any, come to think of it. Although I would like to. But anyway, he looks like someone, presumably an actor. I started Googling, but that complicated the problem because he looks so different from one picture to the next. But, fear not, I think I've narrowed it down to two actors: Colin Firth and Michael Sheen.

Maybe?

Tony Hayward

Colin Firth

Michael Sheen

So, while stopping the oil and cleaning up the mess are obviously top priority, I do think this is an important question. After all, someone will have to play him in the movie...

~What do you think?~

And no, "Audreya, you're a loser" was not accidentally left of the choices. It's just implied at this point.

The Bachelorette: Week 4

Week 4 of Ali's journey to love overlaps with my journey to a remote part of the state on a business trip. Which meant I had to admit to my boss I had to be finished with dinner and back in my room by 7:00 to watch The Bachelorette. Fortunately, he's my age and has a wife and understands these things and only made minimal fun of me. It also means I had to watch this week's episode without the benefit of a DVR. As I've watched the last few episodes, I've been able to rewind and make sure I heard certain things correctly, keep a semi-accurate "Here for the right reasons" count (*see note at the end), etc. None of that this week... so if I miss something glaringly obvious, that's why. Also, not having the ability to pause TV brought to light just how many bathroom breaks I take during a 2 hour show. Basically, life without DVR is brutal. If I seem out of sorts this week, it's because I am.

Okay, onto the fun...

Chris Harrison lets the guys know the dates will follow the same layout as the past two week... but will take place in New York. This pleases Wicked Awesome Chris. He lived there for 5 years and thinks he'll have "home field advantage". I've never been to NYC but I've noticed anyone who has lived there for more than a week considers themselves a New Yorker. I'm sure this annoys Sarah Jessica Parker and Woody Allen.

Ali, however, also wants to pass as a New Yorker. So while the guys are making cheesy home videos detailing their flight, Ali is meeting with a stylist. He suggests a trench coat shirt and a skirt made of ginormous sequins. Apparently this is what passes for chic in New York. No wonder I've never been there. Ali is totally on board with the ridiculous skirt and everything else the guy suggests because she wants to "impress the guys". I'm starting to think Ali has some self-confidence issues. Again, she's a skinny, bubbly, blonde. These guys are coming on national TV basically admitting they can't find a woman. Not to mention this might be the lamest group of guys ever. I'm pretty sure Ali doesn't need to impress them. She just needs to have female anatomy and pay attention to them. And with some of these guys (ahem, Weatherman), I'm not even sure anatomy is a deal-breaker. But, if she wants to put on silly clothes and pose for an In Style photo shoot, you know, what the heck.

The guys arrive in New York. Beady eyed Frank, sans glasses for most of this episode, says the only thing that would be better about their suite is if "the only people staying in it were Ali and I". Meanwhile, Ali sends a date card over and tells us what a great date she has planned for "Kasey and I".  I missed what happened next because I was beating my head against the wall. Why does everything think "I" is the only option? "A picture of John and I"  NO! NO! NO!  Sometimes "me" is okay. If you take the other name out of the sentence, would you say I or me? That's the one you use. "A picture of me"  "A picture of John and me". See how that works, America?  Whew, okay, I feel better. Aren't you all glad you read these posts?  Bachelorette recaps and pretentious grammar commentary. SCORE!! Okay, where was me? Ha ha. Where was I? Kasey's date. Right.

Kasey is excited for their date. He hopes he can emphasize the unrealized potential with him and Ali. He thinks she's imaginary. That explains a lot about Kasey, actually. Then he clarifies that she's imaginary because she's so much better than he can fantasize. I want to punch this guy. Who composes sentences like that? It's like he tries to cram all the buzzwords in history into every sentence. Between that and the Muppet voice, I have no idea why he is still single.

Wicked Awesome Chris agrees with me. In one of the greatest Bachelorette quotes ever, Chris says he thinks Kasey pictures Ali with doves, Cupid, hearts floating around her head, in a meadow, running towards each other with unicorns all around. I have nothing to add to that. It sounds incredibly accurate.

Anyway, Ali and Kasey begin their date by flying off in yet another helicopter. Kasey explains that Ali has been in a cocoon trying to find love and now she's ready to burst out as a beautiful, loved butterfly or some crap like that.  When he finally stops rambling on, they arrive their destination and have a cozy picnic. Just when you thought Kasey couldn't get any weirder, he bursts out into some random, freestyle song about Ali. She giggles in the world's most awkward giggle. Mr. No Self Awareness takes it as encouragement and adds another verse. I can't even form coherent thoughts of what went on. Dude. Seriously. Next up, they reenact Night at the Museum. For real. It's dark, they have lanterns, they run around a Natural History museum. What the heck? Ridiculous. Kasey said "guard and protect her heart" about 450 times. Finally, they have an uncomfortable dinner and more absurd singing. This time, he sings about the rose. Then Ali tells him she can't give him the rose because he's the most bizarre person to ever use up oxygen she feels like he's trying too hard and not being genuine. BUT.... she doesn't want to send him home just yet. She wants him to stick around, roseless, and try to act normally. Yeah, that seems right up Kasey's alley.

A David Moment

By now, you've seen enough pictures and heard enough stories to pick up on the fact that my husband is a goofball. But it's not just that... it's that he's the best kind of goofball. The kind who doesn't do it on purpose. He's just naturally funny. (Or maybe no one else thinks he's funny and that's why we're perfect for each other.) Either way, I've decided that I will - from time to time - share one short, silly story or conversation. Yes, I said "short". And I mean it. Plus, it only seems fitting that I share an equally silly picture, right?

So, last night.

My asthma was flared up last night. I'd used my inhaler a couple of times and it didn't seem to be helping. Incidentally, every now and then I will wake up gasping a little. (The doctor isn't worried about it.) The first couple of times it happened, David jumped up saying "What is it? What do you need?!"  Now that we've concluded it's nothing serious, he no longer does that. Before bed, we had the following conversation:

Me: My chest is really tight tonight... so I if I wake up doing the gasping thing, you should actually be alarmed this time.

David: I will hit you in the throat.

Me: Why on earth would you hit me in the throat if I'm already gasping for air?

David: Because you said to be alarmed.

Me: And?

David: When I'm alarmed, I hit people in the throat.

Then, of course, he demonstrated his karate chopping motion.

David (left) and his brother-in-law
I guess someone in Target 'alarmed' them.

Luckily, I slept fine and did not get hit in the throat. (I did, however, get a shot in the butt at the doctor's office this morning.)

Soundtrack to my life...

I have to say, I've become quite a fan of the Writer's Workshop over at Mama Kat's Losin' It. For those of you who have toyed with the idea of starting a blog but weren't sure what to write about... or for those experiencing blog block... or for people like me, who just like to hear themselves speak (or, in this case, see themselves write), it's a great source of topics, ideas, fellow bloggers, etc.

This week, I reviewed the topics and chose "Soundtrack to my life". 10 songs that I love / relate to most.

1. With or Without You U2 

"Through the storm we reach the shore..."  This is my favorite song ever and I should just copy and paste all the lyrics. I think we can all relate to the tug-of-war. It might be a person, a decision, any number of things we find ourselves at odds with... but somehow we make it to the shore. We just do.

2. I'll Be There For You (the Friends theme song) The Remembrants

"So no one told you life was gonna be this way. Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA. It's like you're always stuck in second gear. When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year but.. I'll be there for you..."  My favorite show ever... the show started the fall I started high school and it ended the month after I got married. Talk about your "formative years". It made Dena and me laugh about how poor and dateless we were. I got David hooked on it when we met. He fell in love too. We played it at our wedding.

  

3. Good to Go John Corbett

"Had an All American mom and dad some of the coolest friends you could ever have. Found love I thought I'd never find. I can't believe this life is mine. And I'm not planing on leaving yet, but the truth is you just never know. And if this is as good as it gets, man I think I'm good to go I'm good to go"  I have nothing to add to this. It speaks for itself.

4. Baptism Kenny Chesney / Randy Travis

"Mama in her Sunday dress...Watched with pride, as I stood there in the water up to my chest. And the preacher spoke about the cleansing blood and I sank my toes into that East Tennessee mud. Then it was down with the old man, up with the new. Raised to walk in the way of light and truth..."  I included this because, for not being "contemporary Christian" music or something like that, it conveys a lot about my beliefs, my Christianity, etc. (Except the East Tennessee part.)

5. Home Michael Buble

"Another summer day. Has come and gone away. In Paris and Rome. But I wanna go home" I've written before on here about my inability to feel grounded. Sometimes I fight the urge to be a traveling gypsy. When it's all said and done, I know home is wherever David and I are... but until I can convince him to hitch up the wagons with me, I know I wouldn't get far before I wanted to 'go home'.

6. Constantly Cross Canadian Ragweed

"One look from her eyes gets me thinkin'. What the hell could I have done this time? But it's love that I mistake for anger. The woman drives me out of my mind." Maybe David can relate to this song more than I can. :-) I think it's a great song and has always struck me as more real than other relationship songs.

7. Wanted Dead or Alive Bon Jovi

"I'm a cowboy. On a steel horse I ride. I'm wanted... dead or alive." A) I love Bon Jovi so I had to include one of their songs. B) It's the theme song to Deadliest Catch. C) Let's face it, there's a chance I could end up wanted at some point.

8. Let It Be The Beatles

"And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be. For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see, there will be an answer. let it be." Dear Audreya, In comparison to the whole world, whatever you're freaking out about today is not that big of a deal. It's going to be okay. Relax. (Also, I just love the Beatles.)

9. Dream On Aerosmith

"Dream On... Dream On... Dream On... Dream until your dream comes true" Again, chosen partly because I just love Aerosmith so much... and partly because I like to dream big.

10. I'd Just Love to Lay You Down Conway Twitty

"When a whole lot of Decembers. Are showin' in your face. Your auburn hair has faded. And silver takes its place. You'll be just as lovely and I'll still be around. And if I can't I know that I'd still love to lay you down."  I've always loved this song... and David better still think I'm hot when I'm older! (For the record, the silver has already begun taking its place in my auburn hair.)

Bonus track: Blue Eyes Cryin' In the Rain Willie Nelson
"Through the ages I'll remember, blue eyes crying in the rain." This rivals With or Without You for my favorite song ever. There's not anything in the lyrics I particularly "relate to" but it's just a very pretty, though kind of sad, song. And Willie Nelson is awesome.

Plus, all good soundtracks have a few instrumental or random filler pieces... so of course I choose:

The Notre Dame Fight Song

The Arkansas Razorbacks Fight Song

Take Me Out to the Ball Game (as sung by Harry Caray... root, root, root for the Cubbies!)
The West Wing theme song

~What songs would be on your soundtrack?~

It's harder than you think....

Having a moment / My happy place

Luckily not too often, but certainly on occasion, I hear myself utter those dreaded words: "I'm having a moment". Sometimes something stressful really has happened. Sometimes maybe a few minor things have happened; by themselves, not that big of a deal but when added together, they equal trouble. Yet other times, the moment just seems to blindside me. However they come about, I just know that when the moment hits, I start to shut down. Today, the situation was definitely a random-onset blindside.

First, I felt distracted. Then, a little snippy. Next, a little queasy. After that, a faint headache. Followed by several minutes of wondering what physical malady I might be experiencing. A migraine? Something hormonal? Candy deficiency? High blood pressure? Dehydration? Of course, that led to the feeling of a panic attack looming on the horizon. When I could think of no physical reasons (other than maybe dehydration. Have I mentioned how freaking hot it is lately?!) I moved on to a self-psychiatric evaluation. No major problems at work. Very few minor ones... certainly nothing to warrant getting worked up over. No relationship problems. No one who "set me off" with some annoying behavior. Well, not any more than usual, anyway. Nothing on an emotional level that I could think of.

After I'd ruled out any possible real problems. I moved on the the medication phase. A bottle of cold water, some music, some glitter, and a few Skittles... you know, just to be safe. Nevertheless, I still felt on the brink. The brink of what, I have no idea. But something.

That's when I emailed the girl who covers for me when I'm unavailable... and who also happens to be a good friend... and said I just needed to step away for a few minutes.

"I'm just having a moment..."  was the best reason I could provide.

Fortunately, I know she's had them too. She has two children. How you brave ladies with children don't live in a constant state of "moments" amazes me. (Or maybe you've just learned how to hide it well. If so, please teach me.) She also works with me, which I'm sure gives her more than enough moments. Either way, I know we've all been there... work, kids (yours or other people's), husbands (or significant others - or lack of significant others), money, bad grammar, the weather, too much noise, Mondays, idiot drivers, baked good crises, pants that don't fit, fights with the computer/TV/phone/Internet, the fact that Justin Bieber is famous or that Ke$ha spells her name with a dollar sign, political ads, humans in general, pets, natural disaster, the house, the laundry, nothing in particular... all perfectly justifiable reasons to have a moment.

However, the wisdom of my almost-31 years has taught me there is only one cure for a "moment". (Actually, the colic of my niece is what really helped me figure it out.) I have to leave. But where do I go when I can't actually go anyway?

My happy place

I have a very clearly defined happy place. If you don't have one, you should really look into it. Plus, unlike other real estate, there are no taxes. You can do whatever you want there. Take in the scenery. Pray or meditate. Nap. Anything. Except smoking. Your happy place would rather you deal with your moment through deep, non-smoky breaths. I visit mine often... just for a quick second to daydream... but sometimes, like today, I have to take a full-fledged excursion and stay awhile. I walked away from my desk, went to a cool, semi-dark part of my office and closed my eyes... not to sleep, just to focus. Almost instantly, I felt better. Maybe I have an over-active imagination. Or a mental illness. But when I'm there, in my happy place, I can hear it and smell it and see it. And no, I won't tell you where I am. The best part of my happy place is no one can find me there. There is also no phone reception. (There is Internet, but that's another story.)

This is actually not my happy place.
Feel free to use it as yours.
source

After about 15 minutes, I felt like I could leave and come back to reality. I feel tons better. Like a migraine, a 'moment' can't truly be conquered until you can sleep it off, but at least I can breathe. I can function. I can eat a few more Skittles.

I can't often spend 15 minutes there. Sometimes, I can't spend any minutes there. I just have to say the words "happy place, happy place" in my head a few times. It's usually a good enough Band-aid.

Corny? Sure. Effective? Yes.

~What about you? What usually cause your 'moments'? How do you move past them?~

The Bachelorette: Week 3

Week 3 on Ali's journey to find as many ways as possible to wear an asymmetrical t-shirt, er, find love. It's also Week 3 of "Audreya sits around even more glued to the TV than usual while her house falls into total disrepair." Oh well. These things happen. The most important thing is that I'm here for the right reasons... to sarcastically recap this week's episode. This episode had a lot of noteworthy stuff, in my opinion, so I'm not even going to make a "sorry it's a long post" statement. It's long. Period.

Dressed in his Banana Republic finest, Chris Harrison arrives to tell the guys about the dates for the week... just in case they forgot how it worked last week. Roberto is the lucky recipient of the first one-on-one date. Here's hoping we can get the close-ups of his eyebrows over with sooner rather than later.

Ali arrives in a little black convertible. I'm not a car girl, so I don't know what it was. Today, I was behind a Mazda Miata, circa 1994... it kind of looked like that. And, in keeping with the retro theme, she's wearing a massively one-sided shirt. Look, I get that she's a tomboy. So am I. But she was not an extra in Flashdance. Just wear a regular t-shirt if you want to look all chill. Anyway, probably fearing another embarrassing roadside breakdown, Ali decides not to take the Miata on the date. Instead, a helicopter swoops in to pick them up. If I were Ali, I'd still be mad they didn't pick me up last week when I was broken down on a major expressway, but whatev. They hop in. Back on the ground, Ty Hayden Pope says he wishes it was him in the helicopter because Ali's afraid to fly and she'll probably be holding onto someone. That's good, dude, prey on a girl's fears to get with her. That might be why you're single. Or it might be your ears. Just sayin'.

Ali and Roberto are deposited on the top of a building. The only problem? Their dinner is on the roof of a different building. The caterer must have gotten confused. Good thing there are wires between the two roofs. Ali and Roberto suit up and proceed across the wires. In her 'in the moment' interview, Ali tells us all she's glad to have Roberto on this date because "life is challenging" and "being in stressful situations with someone shows you a lot about who they are". At this point, I began to worry about my own marriage. David and I love each other very much but our premarital counseling did not include tight rope walking. Are we doomed? We've ridden roller coasters together. Does that count? Anyway, I better let our minister know that any future couples he counsels should bungee jump before taking their vows... because Ali said so. Halfway across the wires, Roberto kisses Ali. The helicopter was kind enough to zoom in on it for us. Do you suppose it's the same helicopter they flew to the date in? Or does The Bachelor franchise have a whole fleet? These are the things I wonder about while watching the show...   Finally, they reach the other building and they hug under a sunset. Roberto tells Ali he hopes this is the first of many of these [sunsets] they can watch together. Nice line, Roberto Suave!!

Dear David, My birthday approaches...

Is it totally obnoxious to post your birthday list on your blog? Probably. Am I doing it anyway? Um, yes, it looks that way. Blame jayayceeblog. She asked what I wanted. It's her fault. She encouraged my behavior. :-) Okay, fine, it does seem a bit like something I would do on my own.

However, so I don't seem like a total bottom feeder, I'll mention that this list is mainly for my husband's benefit. The rest of you should feel free to donate any extra funds to proper causes, like sick children or oil-covered pelicans. But, you know, if you have loads of money and want to do both, I'll be glad to send you my PO Box address.

Aside from the things money can't really buy, like the ability to magically be thin again... or winning the lottery without buying a ticket... or Justin Bieber and Ke$ha to 'retire'... or world peace... or BP to stop redefining SNAFU... here are my birthday wishes:

1. North by Northwestern: A Seafaring Family on Deadly Alaskan Waters by Captain Sig Hansen

2. Wicked tickets for one of the Little Rock dates (though they aren't on sale yet)

3. This Michael Kors bag... though I wouldn't say no to most any MK bag... or any other cute one.

 4. Massages... lots and lots of them... from Leah, the world's greatest massage therapist.

5. A whole day where no one asks me stupid questions. Sorry, I don't have a link for that.

6. A blog makeover... and really, that's for your benefit. The gift that keeps on giving! (The good kind, not like the stupid cold sore on my lip right now. Grrr!)

7. 1 square foot of Ireland

8. New Notre Dame, Arkansas, Cubs or Broncos t-shirts. Yes, I realize I'm not a 18 year old dude, but whatever. (Tickets to any of these sporting events would also be acceptable.)

9. A quick trip to Vegas to see Love (the Beatles Circque du Soliel)... and also to see my family. (I didn't say these were all practical gifts.)

10. New Kitchenaid mixer. Mine is small and wearing out and, most importantly, no longer matches my kitchen.

11. See #5

 12. Fresh, hot spaghetti pizza from Angelo's. (Suppose this one can be a belated gift when I'm in IL at Labor Day.)

Also cash, gift cards, food, celebrities who want to be my friend, DVDs and iTunes, trips to Alaska, etc. are always accepted. No checks please.

Just kidding... checks are fine.

~What about you? Even if your birthday isn't approaching, what's on your list?~

Post-It Note Tuesday: 06/01/10

Bachelorette Recap: Week 2

Well, here we are at Week 2 of Ali's "journey to find love". If you missed it last week, you can read all my disclaimers and catch up here. Oh and remember last week when I said "The recap will be shorter next week?" Yeah, I don't think that's going to work out. But, in an effort to not take up too much room on the front of my blog, look for a Read More link (under the Share tool) at some point in the post.

I also forgot to mention last week that, while the opening frame with her silhouette in some sort of yoga pose is weird, I do very much appreciate that this season is just called "The Bachelorette" and not some sort of weird tagline. You know, "The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love"… gag.

Okay, so this week's fun starts off with the guys (living in the mansion, not the bunkhouse like the last couple of Bachelorette seasons) being told there will be 1 group date, 2 one-on-one dates… and that not everyone will get a date this week. The first date, a one-on-one, goes to Frank. Frank, who I didn't notice had a snaggletooth. I guess I was too focused on his beady eyes.

So, Ali arrives to pick him up in classic car… which apparently makes it okay she was wearing pedal pushers and Keds. Of course, a few minutes into their date, the car breaks down. Now, this is the exact thing that makes me roll my eyes at The Bachelor/ette. First of all, the "clinkity clank" sound from the car was obviously dubbed in. Next, there are tons of aerial shots from a helicopter above. I doubt an organization that can afford to have a helicopter follow Ali around on her date just happened to buy a lemon of a car. (Also, is this the helicopter they will use later to pick her up for some other date?) Next, they start walking and then get a cab? Really?! They couldn't just hop in with the camera crew for a ride?

Anyway, first they walk down Hollywood Blvd. and are apparently quite famous. There is paparazzi and people asking for autographs. I'm sure it was purely a coincidence. Mostly, I was focused on the man dressed like Indiana Jones in the background. Maybe this date would have been more interesting to me if Frank had dressed like Indiana Jones. Anyway, their next stop is the Hollywood sign. They sit and snuggle and kiss under the giant L and talk about Frank's hopes and dreams as an aspiring screenwriter. Hopefully by now, we all know that "aspiring" actually means "broke and working some crappy job until I get my big break". If you're a girl, it also means "waitress" or "stripper". Apparently if you're Frank, it means "retail manager". And why did he go to Paris to pursue this dream? I thought anyone aspiring to be anything in the film industry went to New York or LA.

Next up, they head to dinner. Frank is wearing his glasses again. He has them on and off a lot. It makes me wonder where he keeps them when they aren't on his face. Yesterday, I lost my glasses when they were on the top of my head. True story. But this isn't about how I am turning into my mother. It's about Frank and Ali eating cupcakes on the hood of the car, which is now fixed, by the way. Turns out imaginary problems can be repaired pretty quickly. She gives him the rose. She also says "I'm going to let each of the guys know exactly how I feel about them." It's a good idea; I just wonder if the producers know.