Okay, onto the fun...
Chris Harrison lets the guys know the dates will follow the same layout as the past two week... but will take place in New York. This pleases Wicked Awesome Chris. He lived there for 5 years and thinks he'll have "home field advantage". I've never been to NYC but I've noticed anyone who has lived there for more than a week considers themselves a New Yorker. I'm sure this annoys Sarah Jessica Parker and Woody Allen.
Ali, however, also wants to pass as a New Yorker. So while the guys are making cheesy home videos detailing their flight, Ali is meeting with a stylist. He suggests a trench coat shirt and a skirt made of ginormous sequins. Apparently this is what passes for chic in New York. No wonder I've never been there. Ali is totally on board with the ridiculous skirt and everything else the guy suggests because she wants to "impress the guys". I'm starting to think Ali has some self-confidence issues. Again, she's a skinny, bubbly, blonde. These guys are coming on national TV basically admitting they can't find a woman. Not to mention this might be the lamest group of guys ever. I'm pretty sure Ali doesn't need to impress them. She just needs to have female anatomy and pay attention to them. And with some of these guys (ahem, Weatherman), I'm not even sure anatomy is a deal-breaker. But, if she wants to put on silly clothes and pose for an In Style photo shoot, you know, what the heck.
The guys arrive in New York. Beady eyed Frank, sans glasses for most of this episode, says the only thing that would be better about their suite is if "the only people staying in it were Ali and I". Meanwhile, Ali sends a date card over and tells us what a great date she has planned for "Kasey and I". I missed what happened next because I was beating my head against the wall. Why does everything think "I" is the only option? "A picture of John and I" NO! NO! NO! Sometimes "me" is okay. If you take the other name out of the sentence, would you say I or me? That's the one you use. "A picture of me" "A picture of John and me". See how that works, America? Whew, okay, I feel better. Aren't you all glad you read these posts? Bachelorette recaps and pretentious grammar commentary. SCORE!! Okay, where was me? Ha ha. Where was I? Kasey's date. Right.
Kasey is excited for their date. He hopes he can emphasize the unrealized potential with him and Ali. He thinks she's imaginary. That explains a lot about Kasey, actually. Then he clarifies that she's imaginary because she's so much better than he can fantasize. I want to punch this guy. Who composes sentences like that? It's like he tries to cram all the buzzwords in history into every sentence. Between that and the Muppet voice, I have no idea why he is still single.
Wicked Awesome Chris agrees with me. In one of the greatest Bachelorette quotes ever, Chris says he thinks Kasey pictures Ali with doves, Cupid, hearts floating around her head, in a meadow, running towards each other with unicorns all around. I have nothing to add to that. It sounds incredibly accurate.
Anyway, Ali and Kasey begin their date by flying off in yet another helicopter. Kasey explains that Ali has been in a cocoon trying to find love and now she's ready to burst out as a beautiful, loved butterfly or some crap like that. When he finally stops rambling on, they arrive their destination and have a cozy picnic. Just when you thought Kasey couldn't get any weirder, he bursts out into some random, freestyle song about Ali. She giggles in the world's most awkward giggle. Mr. No Self Awareness takes it as encouragement and adds another verse. I can't even form coherent thoughts of what went on. Dude. Seriously. Next up, they reenact Night at the Museum. For real. It's dark, they have lanterns, they run around a Natural History museum. What the heck? Ridiculous. Kasey said "guard and protect her heart" about 450 times. Finally, they have an uncomfortable dinner and more absurd singing. This time, he sings about the rose. Then Ali tells him she can't give him the rose because
Now it's time for the group date. The guys wander into Times Square and watch a video of Ali awkwardly blowing them kisses. Must have been leftover footage from last week's porn shoot. Then they follow the clue from the video and find Ali at The Lion King. The guys all run into the building and bound up the stairs. You know, because these guys are all about Broadway. So is Ali. She spouts off how many Tony awards Lion King has won. I'm sure she just knew that off the top of her head. They head into the auditorium. Roberto Suave says if Broadway was baseball, it would be the big leagues. I guess he'd know, since he was drafted. And since he no longer plays baseball, does that make his insurance sales career off-off-Broadway?
The director tells them one of them will get to be in the musical. Wx Man is ecstatic... like breathlessly squeals "BROADWAY!!!!" Everyone else acts appropriately by demonstrating fake enthusiasm. The dance audition begins. Everyone dons biker shorts and begins doing what can only be described as drunken Jazzercize. Jesse, in addition to his lack of dance skills, has some sort of leg sleeve tattoo. I found it odd, but whatever. Nothing about this date seems not odd. After the
And by "debut", I mean "hanging from a wire, moving around awkwardly". Kirk says watching Ali and Roberto twirl around each other makes him want to throw up. Now he knows how we felt last week watching him dry hump Ali. Karma, dude. Frank thinks he might literally die from seeing Ali with other people. Literally? Like your eyes will implode into your brain and kill you? Wx Man makes yet another cheesy weather pun, stating he hates watching this (bleep) storm. Anyway, the guys sit around and whine, Ali walks into her dressing room... noted by a 50 cent paper star with her name on it. Then, despite needing a stylist earlier in the week, she does her own makeup for the show. Ali and Roberto dangle and twist during the show while the guys watch from the lobby. Did that strike anyone else as odd? ABC couldn't spring for tickets? Guess they spent all their money on helicopters. Ali and Roberto take a silly bow and everyone heads to the wrap party. Ali has become progressively sicker as the day has worn on. The party is pretty low-key. The only noteworthy things were Roberto Suave calling the Wx Man a "high pressure system" and then the Wx Man attempting to interrupt Ali's time with Peyton Manning Gambino (aka Craig). Craig said "Give us a few minutes" and Wx Man walked away... like a waiter. I wonder if he returned later to ask if they wanted dessert. Kirk, however, does manage to steal her away... to earn "sympathy points" by telling her she should go to bed. She agrees, declines to give out the rose because
The next day, Wicked Awesome Chris is all set to celebrate his birthday with a one-on-one date with Ali. Based on his polo shirt and long sleeve Henley, I guess the date was taking place during my senior year of high school. Ali, on the other hand, wakes up stating she's "never felt this sick". Based on my extensive medical training (okay, I have no medical training, just my own experience) she has what would appear to be a sinus infection. If that's the sickest she's ever been, she's both incredibly lucky and an incredible wimp. Anyway, not wanting to disappoint the birthday boy, she invites him to hang out. At this point, Chris says something intelligent that makes me question why he is on this show... he notes that spending time around the house, being sick, etc. is a lot more like real life than a fancy date and he's glad for that. I'm really starting to like Chris. So Chris shows up with flowers and soup. Ali says "supposebly" soup really does make you feel better. I'm hoping her nose was just stuffy, not that she thinks "supposebly" is a word. Finally, thanks to the magic power of the soup, she's feeling well enough to go on the rest of the date... to some "exclusive" club. They eat seafood... again. The entire basis of their relationship is seafood. Apparently her fancy NYC stylist dressed her in a gaudy blue blazer with shoulder pads. I kept thinking "That looks familiar" and then I remembered my mom wore something like it in her Glamour Shots, circa 1993. Ali produces a cell phone so Chris can call his dad. Chris begins with "Father", which makes me wonder if Chris accidentally called his priest... but then it made me laugh because I also address my parents as "Mother" and "Father" sometimes... just to freak them out. I don't understand their conversation. It sounded like the teacher on Charlie Brown, but it seemed like Chris had a wicked awesome birthday, so that's all that counts. But wait, there's more. A concert on the roof from another musician I've never heard of. Or so I thought. "Eee!!! Joshua Radin!" Ali screamed. I Wikipedia'ed him. I have heard of him. Well, I've heard him. Have you ever watched a TV show and thought "This song sounded just like the song on (other TV show)"? It's because Joshua Radin sings them all, apparently. Oh, and there's a choir. Weird. In the end, because it's his birthday and he and Roberto are quickly becoming the only people on the show who don't give Ali the heebee-geebees, she gives Chris the rose.
Meanwhile, as Chris and Ali were having their lobsterfest, the guys were hanging out in the D-Bag Suite. Except for Kasey. In the past 4,000 episodes of this show, everyone is on lock-down. No phones, no internet, nothing but "sanctioned" events. Yet, suddenly, people can just come and go as they please. Last week, Justin hikes up to Ali's house. This week, Kasey gets to go sight-seeing. Yeah, okay. In Kasey's cartoon world, getting a tattoo will really show Ali he's not coming on too strong and he's dedicated and some other crap. He selects a shield and a heart, because of his whole "guard and protect the heart" b.s. I wouldn't be surprised if this guy has a pet dragon. Kasey flits back to the suite with his wrist wrapped up (but not before lots of random "Kasey's a weird dude. I'm worried about him. I hope he doesn't do something insane!!" banter.) He tells the guys he burnt his arm. Everyone rolls their eyes. The wrestler calls him a fibber. Fibber? Who still says fibber? The Wrestler says he's got to call Kasey ooout for being a fibber.
This goes on into the next day and the cocktail party. There's a ridiculous faux confrontation where Kasey finally shows this tattoo... including 11 stones in the shield because of the 11 guys who are his brothers. Gag. Then he goes on and on about wearing his heart on his sleeve. Dude, that's your wrist, not your sleeve. Anyway...
PS: We never saw the needle on his skin and did anyone else think his tattoo looked incredibly NOT red? The day after I got my tattoo, it was all red and crusty and swollen. Both of David's were the same way. Maybe Kasey got one with magical unicorn blood ink and it didn't swell. Or maybe it's fake. Just sayin'.
Ali shows up to the Cocktail Party wearing some sort of Suzanne Sommers halter top / pant suit / leotard thing. And I thought her asymmetrical shirts were bad. She visits with Kirk and, once again, doesn't mention his Livestrong bracelet. I think Roberto has one too. Are those still popular? Does Lance Armstrong sponsor the show? Who knows. At some point, the Wx Man busts out the guitar and attempts to sound like the lead singer of The Fray. "Attempts" being the key word. Kirk adds "You know what we need? One more guy around this house who plays the guitar". Hilarious. Next, she chats with Kasey. He brought her some Sour Patch Kids to help her feel better. She's glad he's being cute and not over the top. Okaaaay. As he was psyching himself up for the big tattoo reveal, Frank interrupts and stares her down with his crab eyes. Okay, I'm not sure what happened next but I'm guessing he whined, again, about being jealous. Luckily, Chris Harrison announces it's Rose Ceremony time.
Wicked Awesome Chris is safe.
Frank… who, thank goodness, has found his glasses
Peyton Manning Gambino
Chris N… who said exactly one thing this week and has a slight mullet
Ty Hayden Pope
And finally (dramatic pause) Kasey
Jesse takes his denim collection and heads for the door, saying Ali is too citified for him and he wants to own cows and see his dogs. The Weatherman exits with less drama than I had expected. Who knows, maybe he met a nice guy over at the Lion King. Ali tells the guys they are heading to Iceland next week. The previews show them gallivanting around Mt. Eyjafjallajökull, which we all know erupted soon after and shut down air travel all over Europe. This might actually explain a lot. Perhaps the other dudes decided to sacrifice Kasey to the volcano. The eruption was clearly the volcano saying "Yeah, I can't deal with this guy either!! Take him back!!" Guess we'll find out...
**My prehistoric laptop for work doesn't have the right program for me to make a "Here for the right reasons" picture... but I have the count at 5. The laptop should also be blamed for any typos or other weirdness this week. :-)