Monday, May 27, 2013

Tweeting The Bachelorette

No, I haven't died. Or followed through on my threats to run off with a band of gypsies. I have, however, severely neglected my blog lately. I'd like to tell you there's an end in sight and I'll be back to blogging regularly soon, but I just don't know that to be true. (Nothing dramatic, just lots of other things going on these days and the time I previously allocated to my blog is now spent elsewhere. But I still love you all and hold out hope that someday, maybe...)

In the meantime, however, I will be watching The Bachelorette... but not blogging recaps. If you want to keep up with my thought on the new season, follow me at twitter.com/audcole Pin It

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Bachelor Sean: Overnight Dates

I don’t know what week this is. I got all confused a few weeks ago when we had a Monday and Tuesday episode. Anyway, it’s this week. Final 3. Fantasy suite. All that jazz.

We’re in Thailand (“the south of”, according to Sean) this week. Naturally, it’s one of the most beautiful places in the world. Wouldn’t it be awesome if they went somewhere like Dumas, Arkansas? “This is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen. I mean, it’s flat. There’s dirt. And grass. The air smells like puke and dead mice from the paper mill. I can really see myself falling in love here in the humid, vomitty air.” But Sean is convinced this week in Thailand is going to dramatically change the course of his life. How? By getting malaria? And that the next time he says “I love you”, he hopes it means “I’m spending the rest of my life with you.” Oh, Sean.

His first date is with Lindsay. Let me preface this by saying that they really didn’t spend a lot of time on the dates and there is very little recap-worthy. They hop in a motorized rickshaw thingy and head to a local market. They hold some neon chickens. I wasn’t clear on if the chickens had been dyed or if there was a nuclear plant nearby. Or if they were chickens. They might have been ducks. I don’t know. A brightly-colored bird. Sean tells us that the one thing Lindsay said she did not want to do in Thailand was eat a bug. So, naturally, he hauls butt to the nearest bug-vending stand.

Sean says he needs a wife who will try new things and be adventurous and blah blah blah. So Lindsay eats the bug. And it provides me the second opportunity this week to say “vomitty”. She immediately chugs some water but continues to look rather unwell. But Sean is so proud. Yay! Bugs!

Can I just say how happy I am that my marriage was not contingent on my willingness to eat bugs? In fact, the only thing my husband really insisted upon was that I change my last name. Which I did. And, almost 9 years later, I still hate. I mean, I love him and his family and they have a perfectly nice last name. I just miss MY last name. So, hmmm… if he had said “You can eat a bug and keep your last name or not eat a bug and take my last name”… I’d really give that some thought. And probably eat the bug. What were we even talking about? Oh, Lindsay eating a bug to impress a boy.

Next, they end up on a beach. This is when we realize Lindsay is not a Southern girl. She’s got a terrible case of humidity hair. One of the first things I learned when I moved here was about the variety of products available to help combat the extreme humidity and its hair-torturing schemes. And also about ponytails. But, instead, Lindsay looks like a member of an ‘80s hair band. They talk about relationship crap (I kind of zoned out. Rather, I was fixated on Sean’s comic swim trunks. Did he borrow them from his nephew?!) Then they feed some monkeys on the beach.

At dinner, Lindsay has nearly worked up the courage to tell Sean she loves him when a group of Thai musicians and dancers interrupt. What a coincidence! Sean says “Will you dance like that for me later?” and Lindsay’s dad, the General, makes a call to his buddy over at the 82nd Airborne.

Sean gives Lindsay the Fantasy Suite card. In the suite, she tells him she loves him.

Next up, AshLee. She says words can’t express the overwhelming joy she feels when she is with Sean. Then she continues saying a lot of words to express something words supposedly can’t express.

They take a boat out to a cave. Sean tells her they are going to swim through the cave (in the dark) and then hang out on the other side. Of course, AshLee has already mentioned her abandonment issues a few hundred times and Sean has mentioned her control issues, so this should go well.

Sean slings a red bag around his shoulder. Very Hasselhoff. They grab a float thingy and a lantern and swim through the cave. Exhilarating TV, let me tell you. Oh, and the metaphors about caves and darkness and relationships were not exactly what I had hoped for.

Before dinner, AshLee tells the camera about her concerns with the Fantasy Suite and how she is not willing to morally put herself out there when there are still two other girls. At dinner, they talk about love and marriage and AshLee extols the virtues of marriage and not just getting married to be married. A lesson she obviously learned the hard way.

When the subject of the Fantasy Suite comes up, Sean says he would love the time just to talk and not have cameras in their faces. AshLee says she agrees about the time but makes it clear she doesn’t want to “cross a boundary”. He agrees. They go to the suite and talk. Mostly about what she wants in an engagement ring.

Okay, first of all, I actually like Sean. He’s a little dopey at times, but he generally seems like an okay guy. This season hasn’t featured him falling down drunk or dry humping girls in front of a fire. I would say the porn-ish-ness has mostly been him in the shower. As a fairly conservative person myself, I am fine with this (the lack of dry humping; I can do without the shower scenes). I’m also fine with hearing girls talk about boundaries and whatnot in the Fantasy Suite, especially considering he still has two other girlfriends. But, I don’t know, something about the engagement ring talk made me uncomfortable. I guess I just figure if you’re on The Bachelor, there’s a certain expectation of throwing a No Pants Party. So, if you’re not sending out those invitations and yet you’re talking about rings, I’m just saying that doesn’t seem very Bachelor-like. Maybe I’m really selling Sean short, but he is a dude and he is making out with multiple beautiful women in bikinis. So, you know… Anyway, just felt awkward.

For Catherine’s date, she runs to him. Not the normal butter commercial run. Like all-out runs. And squees. Sean says how much he’s missed her. They talk on a boat. She says she is “pretty much expired” about Seattle and would have no problem moving to Dallas. She says her sisters are kind of annoying and that’s why she doesn’t really talk to them about relationships. They do backflips off the boat into the water. In the “outtakes”, we see them doing multiplication tables. No, that’s not a euphemism. They were doing actually math. And Catherine won. Which I actually liked. Sean says that Catherine gets him better than the other girls.

Catherine tells us the her initial thoughts about the Fantasy Suite were “No way I’d do that” and that she wants to be seen as a lady. She tells Sean she’s weirdly traditional about relationships. (Sweetie, not wanting to do it with a guy who has two other girlfriends isn’t “weirdly traditional”. It’s just good sense.) Sean says he hopes she knows that his intentions are about uninterrupted time with her. She agrees. But she does make a comment to the camera about being intimate. However, that can cover a variety of things, so who knows. If anyone did it, my money is on Sean and Catherine. But, most seasons, I figure at least 2 out of 3 did it, so this is actually an improvement as far as communicable diseases and traditional values go.

Next, a shirtless Sean spikes his hair and tells us he knows who he is sending home. Then he has his therapy session with Chris Harrison. Chris asks “Is your wife here?” Whenever he says that, I picture Sean like “What? Where?” and some angry woman being like “Where is he? Where is that #$(&#^* husband of mine?! Off with all these women while I’m home with 3 kids. @(&$*(^&*!!” Maybe Chris should say “Is your future wife here?” or, more accurately, “Is the woman you’ll be engaged to for a few months until the fame goes to one of your heads and you start cheating on the other?” Then Sean is forced to sit through the “last chance” videos. Which I hate more than words can express. Then he feigns confusion about who he will send him.

The girls arrive at the Rose Ceremony. And by “girls”, I mean AshLee and the two girls on her chest. Holy cleavage, Batman! For someone who didn’t want to put herself morally out there, she’s okay putting herself mammarily out there.

Unfortunately, Sean only has three roses. He gives Lindsay the first rose. It would have taken all three to save AshLee and her twins, so she is mathematically eliminated in favor of Catherine, who we already know is good at math.

Sean attempts to walk AshLee out. She sternly tells him to stay put. He follows her anyway. She says very little. He tries to explain himself but she continues to glare. In the limo, she cries about how this wasn’t just a stupid game to her. She says this is the ultimate reject. My husband said “Nope. Pretty standard reject.” I laughed. The end.

Next week, the Women Tell All. However, I will be out of town for work. In Florida. On the beach. My life is rough. (Actually, lately, my work life has been rough. So a trip to Florida seems like an adequate trade-off.) I will very likely not recap the WTA. I may or may not feed monkeys. Pin It

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Bachelor Sean: Hometown Dates

I know you probably think I am just avoiding recapping this season because I’ve gone on and on about how busy I am, blah blahblah. But really, the universe is working against me. Last week, I typed out a whole big thing and it vanished. This week, I lost my notes. So, I’m going to give it a go, but it will be from memory. If I were you, I’d stop reading now.

Hometown dates, which are usually my favorite week of the season, were this week. Unfortunately he has already sent home the girls who I would have expected to have the craziest family (*cough* Tierra *cough*) so there wasn’t too much excitement.

First up, AshLee. She lives, um, somewhere. Houston, maybe? They hang out for a while doing things I can’t recall. Then they go to her parents’ house. Her parents are quite welcoming and friendly, despite AshLee oversharing about “getting romantic” and rolling around on the beach.

Her dad says “Let me tell you about my first date with AshLee…” and talks about when she arrived as a foster child to their home. He said “This one is going to be hard to give back!” and fell in love with her instantly. He says he wants a man for her that will fall as completely in love with her as he did. In a very different way though, I hope.

In the awkward “I still have three other girlfriends and you’ve known me 45 minutes, but may I have your blessing to marry your daughter?” conversation, her dad gives the typical “Yeah, sure!” answer. Ugh.

Next up, Catherine. Sean meets her in Pike Place Market in Seattle. They join in the touristy fun of throwing and catching fish. Catherine seems thrilled by this. But Catherine is a vegan, so this seems odd to me. I know a lot of vegetarians. Most of them have given up meat for health reasons and some because of ecological or animal-cruelty concerns. But the vegans I know? Every one of them has concerns about animal cruelty. I’m not saying ALL vegans do. Some just have allergies. But, all the ones I know do. So if Catherine is the typical vegan, it seems odd to me that she’s delighting in tossing dead fish around. But, whatever. Let’s meet her family.

She teaches Sean a Filipino tradition where he will touch her grandmother’s hand to his head as a show of respect. He does. Everyone loves him. Catherine, on the other hand, they don’t seem to be big fans of. Her sisters pull her aside and basically accuse her of being caught up in the moment and that saying she’s in love with Sean is probably impulsive. Then they pull Sean aside and tell him they aren’t sure that she’s ready to settle down and that she’s kind of all over the place and has crazy goals and dreams and if her guy doesn’t support her, she won’t think twice about dropping him and moving on.

Look, I’m just glad someone on this show knows the word “goals”. But, anyway, it kind of puts a damper on their evening. Sean is in a bit of a funk when he leaves.

Onto Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri to meet Lindsay and her dad – the two star general.

First, they walk around the town, take a sip of beer in an otherwise-empty bar, stop in a cupcake shop and then go to a park so Lindsay can get him “Army ready”. Which basically consisted of the cheesiest “boot camp” ever.And a lot of push-ups.

Sean spends a lot of time debating if he should address her dad as Mr. Yenter or General Yenter. Lindsay says “Call him Mark.” Sean wisely decides to pass on that suggestion and settles on Mr. Yenter. Darn. I was kind of hoping he’d bust up in the Yenter’s house and be like “Mark! What up, bro? Ooo-rah! Marine Corp for life! Semper fidelis, baby!” Because, come on, you know you kind of want someone to punch Sean but you can’t really put your finger on why.

Instead, he greets Mr. Yenter and the rest of the family. (Well, actually he shook the brother’s hand first and then the dad’s. As my friend Laura pointed out, this was not great form.) The family chatting goes well. Then Sean and the General head to the basement to take more sips of beer. Sean chooses this moment to ask for his blessing to marry Lindsay.

Dude. If you’re going to ask an Army general a stupid question about his little girl, don’t do it in the basement where no one can hear you scream. If you even scream. That man probably knows 45 silent ways to kill you. Witnesses. Always have witnesses.

The General answers the question with a long story about having been a paratrooper for a lot of years and how, in the Army, you have to be able to assess the situation and then determine if you have the authority to make the decision. If you have that authority, you do it. You don’t ask for everyone’s opinion. So, he says he trusts Sean to have the authority to make the decision. In other words: Do what you think is best, but remember how many combat-ready troops work for me.

Last up, Desiree. She meets in on a hiking trail overlooking LA. Except it looked like a pretty pedestrian walking trail, but maybe the hiking part was just off camera. Or maybe I was blinded by her neon yellow shirt. As one of the friends on Twitter said the other day, can neon please be over?! I admit, I did like neon the last time it was popular. I also was 10 and carried Lisa Frank notebooks exclusively. Now, looking back, I probably owe my parents an apology for all the neon scrunch socks I made them purchase. It’s really a wonder they didn’t send me to private school sooner.

At Desiree’s (yes, I know she goes by Des, but making words that end in –s possessive is too annoying. I lean towards Des’… but the Chicago manual says Des’s is correct. So I’m sticking with Desiree) apartment, they begin getting dinner ready for her family. There’s a knock at the door. It’s her family, right?

Wrong.

It’s some scrawny dude saying he loves her and why isn’t she returning his calls?! Sean is all “Whoa. What?” Things get heated. The guy puts his hand on Sean’s shoulder. Sean tells him to back it on up. Des then starts laughing and tells Sean the guy is an actor and she wanted to pull a prank on him to pay him back for the whole “priceless art falling down” extravaganza.

Again, can I please teach these people how to have a proper prank war?!

Desiree’s family arrives. I’m not sure what all happened up until the point that her brother, Nate, pulled him aside. Nate has a fairly rough-and-tumble thing going on. Tattoos, shirt unbuttoned two buttons further than it should, not a very pleasant attitude. He tells Sean he doesn’t buy it. He thinks Sean is a playboy and doesn’t care about Des nearly as much as she cares about him. Sean refutes this and says his character is everything to him. Nate remains unconvinced. It wasn’t a big blow up, but it was definitely fairly tense and ended with them agreeing to disagree.

When they return to the family, Des can tell something is up. She asks what’s going on. Things get more tense. She is upset and tells her brother to just stop. The dad starts talking about the weather. Sean decides to go ahead and go.

Back at the mansion for the rose ceremony, Sean has a sit-down with Chris Harrison and says he’s really not sure what to do. Things didn’t go particularly well with either Catherine or Des this week and he just has to decide who he would miss most if he sent them home.

Before he hands out the first rose (after an abnormally long pause), Des pipes up and says she’s like to speak with him. They go outside and she pleads her case that her brother doesn’t speak for everyone and she’s really sorry it all happened.

In the end, he gives roses to Linsday, AshLee, and Catherine. He walks Des out and tells her he knows he may be making a huge mistake. They say the same thing over and over again “I know I may be making a mistake” “Yes, you are”. Repeat 10 times. Cry in the limo.

And, finally, in case the night hadn’t been awkward enough, we get a soft-core porn scene of Sean in the shower, caressing himself with a washcloth. Dude. Get a pouf or a loofah. Who uses a washcloth?!

Then, because I guess ABC has had a lot of space to fill this season, we got a bonus Tuesday night episode called “Sean Tells All”.

He and Chris sit in their typical too-close chairs and chat about how things are going so far and what he’s thinking going into next week’s overnights in Thailand. You know, because this was obviously filmed the day after the rose ceremony where Des went home. Except it wasn’t. It filmed a couple of weeks ago. Ugh.

There really isn’t much to rehash, but he shared a few thoughts on each of the girls.

Desiree: He knew her brother had a “troubled youth” but that she said he was a lot better now. Sean said they didn’t show it, but he and Nate actually talked before dinner too and it went well. Then something changed and Nate got all weird. He contends it wasn’t the only reason Des went home but that, yeah, part of it was that he couldn’t see himself in a family where he knew his brother-in-law couldn’t stand him.

Selma: They didn’t show all the creative non-kissing they did. Butterfly kisses, Eskimo kisses, etc. But Sean says he had already made up his mind she wasn’t the one before she kissed him.

Lesley: He really liked her but just wasn’t sure of her feelings. Maybe if she had been honest that she was falling in love with him, it would have been a game-changer. Also, there was an awkward deleted scene with horrible “sexy talk” and brownies and Sean calling himself Daddy.

Tierra. Oh, Tierra. He didn’t really have many kind words to say about her except that she shouldn’t have come on the show because she wasn’t suited for the environment and he hopes she will learn to get along with her peers. He said he should have kept Jackie on the two-on-one. Then they showed several extended scenes of all her fights with the women. Yay. Hopefully her new fiancé saw this and ran away.

They talk a little about the 50 Shades of Crazy girl from night one. They show a clip of Catherine cramming herself into the wheel well of the ice bus. Daniella does an excellent Chris Harrison impersonation. I tweeted that she should co-host Bachelor Pad. She retweeted it. I like to think I’m the favorite tweeter of all Bachelor folks. I mean, I am, right?

Finally, Chris asks Sean what his expectations are for the fantasy suites. He says he just wants to spend some time off-camera so everyone can talk freely and that it’s not his business what any other Bachelors have done in the fantasy suite, nor is it anyone’s business what he will do. Will do. Because, you know, this totally filmed before Thailand.

Anyway, I guess we’ll see next week… Pin It

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Bachelor Sean: Episode 7, I think

Bad news... I lost my post. Sometimes technology is really, really annoying. I can't spend the time to recreate it. So, here are the two things you need to know:

Sean tweeted me.

Sean's sister stopped by St. Croix to remind him that no good comes from picking the girl no one likes. Coupled with plenty of other drama, he sent Tierra packing. And now her eyebrow has its own Twitter account. @tierraseyebrow
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Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Bachelor Sean {Epsisodes 5 and 6) You're gonna wife that?!

Wow. 4 hours of The Bachelor. That’s a lot to take in in one week. However, I am going to strive to make this my shortest recap ever. Mostly because my schedule is pretty hectic these days and I’m seriously toying with the idea of not continuing recaps at all and just live (or semi-live) tweeting my thoughts. However, my OCD probably won’t let me quit midway through a season, so…

Okay, Monday night… Chris begins by congratulating the remaining 11 girls and telling them it’s a lot more serious now. Yes, because only dating 10 other girls and your “future wife” is much more stable and serious than dating 12 other girls and your “future wife”. Oh, Chris. He also tells them it’s finally time to take this show on the road and that they’ll be meeting Sean in Montana.

Sean starts this episode fully-clothed but that’s likely because he was on a float plane and the FAA probably has some rule about not flying in your boxer briefs. The plane lands on a lake and Sean gives the requisite speech about how this is the most beautiful place he’s ever seen.

This episode actually spent very little time on the dates. The first one-on-one went to Lindsay. She and Sean board a helicopter. She says she’s never been on a helicopter before. Sean says it’s a bada$$ helicopter. Um, why? Because it was all black? That doesn’t make it bad. It didn’t have any guns or Navy SEALs or anything. It’s a sleek, monochromatic version of every other helicopter on this show. Don’t oversell it, Sean.

Sean says that he likes Lindsay because she’s outdoorsy and not high-maintenance. Maybe compared to the other girls on the show, but compared to girls in general, I’m going to say she doesn’t represent the low-maintenance demographic. Anyway, they talk about her life. Her dad is a 2 star general and she grew up moving around a lot. Typical Army Brat stuff. She talks about how her dad was gone for most of her adolescence. I am just impressed she knows the word “adolescence”.

For their final activity, they head to the town’s square for… wait for it… a private concert. With someone called Sarah Darling. Am I supposed to know who she is? They dance on a platform and Lindsay says how great it is the entire town of Whitefish came out to see Sarah Darling. Yeah, that’s why. Not because they could be on TV and take pictures of you and Sean and send them to Reality Steve. Come on. Give Whitefish some credit. Also, at some point, she got the rose.

Group date time. Sean is near the lake and has some outdoor activity planned. But first he makes sure to state that he doesn’t need an outdoorsman wife. Huh? You don’t want a man for a wife? Obviously. Because then it would be a husband… and this would be a very different – and, frankly, more entertaining- show. Apparently he also doesn’t need me for a husband or wife, because as the girls round the corner, they see goats.

Goats.

Why does this show continue to subject me to the worst creatures ever? You know how I said I wouldn’t put actual fears on my application but rather things like spa treatments and Adam Levine? Well, that would last right up until some producer called anyone who’d every met me and said “Okay, what’s she actually afraid of?” and they would unanimously say “Goats!”

But these girls? Well, they don’t know they should be scared. They don’t know these are goats. Someone says “Are those dogs?” I just… I can’t even…

Oh, look, it’s Chris Harrison. Dude must be missing Bachelor Pad the way he keeps showing up on dates and explaining everything. Today he’s explaining the Montana Wilderness Relay Race. The girls will be in teams and have to haul some bales of hay, canoe a little, cut through a log, and milk a goat. Then, when the milk is at the designated part of the jar, someone has to drink it.

Also, if you’re keeping score at home, Sarah made sure to point out that having one arm won’t hold her back.

Let’s just say it was all painful to watch. And maybe the only time I’ve ever felt sorry for a goat. Desiree’s team wins. The other team is sent home and the winners head to the after-party. But, once they get there, Sean says he just doesn’t feel right about the popped collar on his jacket sending the blue team home and he’s going to “bend the rules” to bring them back.

The blue team gets ready to join the others. Daniella says the other girls are “literally going to die”. Yes, literally. They are just going to drop dead. The red team sits at the party and seethes. They can’t believe they “exerted themselves” for nothing. Actual words used.

And, lest we forget about Tierra, she and Jackie are scheduled for a two-on-one the next day but she hasn’t been totally crazy in a while, so she decides to sneak out and join the party too. You know, in that complete pre-planned way people sneak out on this show with a camera crew following them. While Sean is alone talking to the camera, she sneaks up behind him, puts her hands over his eyes, and says “Seeeannnn?” in her strangely-accented, whiny voice.

Now, if Sean were everyone else in America, he would have sent her home right then for being such a weirdo. Instead, he sits and talks to her. She says she feels misled by going on the two-on-one. Or something. I don’t know. I try to tune her out.

She leaves. He talks to some other girls. Nothing particularly noteworthy except that Sean and Catherine seem pretty snuggly together and she’s still my favorite. He and Daniella have a good conversation in which she cries and says “like”, like, 100 times. She ends up with the group date rose.

The two-on-one with Jackie and Tierra was as awkward as you’d expect. Tierra evil laughs and tells the camera she’s on a date with her husband, poor Jackie, etc. etc. They go horseback riding. Blah blah. For her one-on-one time with him, Jackie tells Sean that Tierra was flirting with a guy at the airport and said he was cute.

GASP! Someone alert the church elders!!

During her one-on-one time, Tierra “opens up” and tells Sean that she was with a guy for 5 years and he was in and out of rehab during the whole time. He passed away. Now she’s scared of losing someone else. Sean says that explains so much about her. Like what? That she’s not afraid to make up a pretend dead boyfriend? Okay, maybe he did exist and he did pass away. Or maybe she and Manti Te’o should meet. (I’m kidding, Manti. I wouldn’t do that to you. I still believe in you, bro!)

After asking Jackie if she liked the fish they were eating, Sean proceeds to tell her that their relationship has been slow to develop and he gives Tierra the rose.

At the Cocktail Party, the girls and Tierra are getting along as well as you’d expect. Which is not at all. She and Robyn have another attempt at a “squash it” conversation. It doesn’t go well. Tierra tells us that she really wishes she were a fighter because she would beat the bleep out of these bleeps. She goes on to tell Robyn and Lesley that she doesn’t need this and she could get engaged to any guy and so on. Then she says she is a scorpion and she will sting!

About that time, Sean walks through the room. Coincidentally, I’m sure.

He pulls Tierra aside and she gives her typical speech that the girls are attacking her and she’s not a drama person and this is all so FUS-trating. Yet, when Sean asks for specifics, she just says everyone and all the time.

Next, he tries to get Lesley to give him the scoop and says that he doesn’t want to be played or be naïve so she should tell him if Tierra has done something to directly affect him. Lesley gives an answer that shows she may actually be a decent political consultant and says that the direct effect on him may not be a simple answer but that she is cold and makes no efforts to be friends with the other girls and that he probably wants a girl who is fun and easy to get along with. That she can be focusing on her relationship with him but still build relationships with the other girls.

Next, the deliberation room pictures make their appearance, as well as a therapy session with Dr. Harrison. Sean tells Chris repeatedly that he is frustrated and there is a weird vibe and Tierra is a roller coaster but he can’t get a straight answer.

At the rose ceremony, Sean talks about how turbulent the week has been. He hands out the roses. Robyn doesn’t get one and is sent home.
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Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Bachelor {Week 4} It's Tierrable!

Okay, I'll admit, Week 4 was a little more entertaining for me. Maybe it was because -rather than shirtless Sean working out - we started with Chris gathering up the ladies and telling them, very dramatically, that "Sean sees his wife in this room. Right now. That's where we are."

Oh, and there it is... Shirtless Sean. Except... wait... those are UNDERPANTS! Yep, good ol' Seanie is standing at his bathroom sink in his boxer briefs. And now he's in his closet getting dressed. I was going to say that I'd hate to be the cameraman who had to follow him into his closet, kneel down, and zoom in on his butt. Except it probably wasn't a cameraman. Chris Harrison was all "It's cool. I've got this..."

Chris made good time getting from Sean's closet back to the living room and leaves the date card for the girls. It's for Selma. "Let's turn up the heat."

Selma says she is excited and hopes this date takes their relationship to the next level and then the next and then have babies. Oh, boy. She leaves to go get ready and returns wearing, well, I think what she was already wearing. A tank top and yoga pants. Though she says she hopes Sean is not making her do hot yoga.

Dude. All yoga is hot, in my opinion. Not like sexy hot. Like, actually hot. I need to find a plus-sized teacher because the teachers I've had so far - while incredibly sweet and great teachers - are stick thin and always freezing. Plus, if you've never been to a yoga class, the teacher doesn't do the whole class with you. It's not like Zumba. Not that I've ever been to Zumba. Instead, she might do part of the sequence, especially if there are new people in the class, but mostly she's calling out the names of poses and walking around making sure everyone is doing it properly and safely. So, while I'm wallering around between down dogs and cobras and warriors, she's walking the room getting cold and adjusting the thermostat. I'm generally a colder-natured person but when I'm, you know, exerting myself, I get hot and sweaty. I feel like I'm going to melt to death in a 74° room. I have no idea how people do actual hot yoga at 90°+. And yes, "melt to death" is a legitimate way to perish. Ask a snowman.

Anyway, Selma. In the car, she tells Sean she hopes they aren't going dancing because she's a terrible dancer and will end up stepping all over him. He says that's okay. She says "Are you sure you can handle all 110 pounds on your feet?"

And that's when every woman watching the show who weighs 111 pounds or more started hating Selma.

Look, I'm not thin-shaming. I mean, yes, I just made comments about skinny yoga teachers but that's because it DIRECTLY impacts me and could make me melt to death. But, otherwise, I don't care if you weigh 110 pounds or 310 pounds. Do your thing. But it's terrible form to brag about your weight. Yes, that was bragging. You don't mention your weight to a guy on a first date just in the normal course of conversation. But, as we're about to find out, Selma isn't the brightest. Or she's perfectly comfortable playing the role of ditz.

They pull up to an airstrip and see a private jet with a red carpet leading up to it. Selma says to the camera "Is every date going be like this from now on? I feel like I'm dreaming. I don't even know if this is real." Obviously. Reality is clearly not her strong suit. Then, while on the plane, she says again to Sean "Is this how we're going to travel every time?" Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger... but she ain't messin' wit no broke, broke. Here's a little piece of advice, Sean: If you ain't no punk holla' "We want pre-nup
WE WANT PRE-NUP! Yeah!"

But apparently Sean ain't no punk. The plane lands in the desert (Joshua Tree, to be precise) and he says he's not taking Selma somewhere glamorous. Instead, he likes the outdoors and wants to see if she can handle that. Selma takes in the surroundings and then offers what may be the best like in Bachelor history:

"He took the Iraqi to a desert!"

She goes on to say how she hates heat and she's not at all athletic.

Sean points out a huge rock and says he wants to see the view from the top. She asks if they are taking a helicopter. He says no and points her in the direction of the climbing gear. When putting on the climbing shoes, she tells us she prefers 6 inch heels. Then she discusses her terrible fear of heights. Oh, Selma. You better suck it up or he leave yo' a$$ for a white girl.

And also, the fear of heights thing. Oh, you put on your application that you're afraid of heights? Even after 200 seasons of this show? You know what I would list for my fears? Spa treatments. And, of course, my complete paranoia of Adam Levine.

When they begin climbing the rock, Selma first acts like a whiny baby. But then she says all the sudden she got this "do or die" power. Or, better yet. "He gave me this adrenaline. He gave me this courage. I've gotta show this man I've got it in me."  SO. MANY. JOKES.

But whatever Sean gave her seems to work and she begins scurrying up the face of the rock, leaving Sean in her dust. They finally reach the top. Then it's time to get down girl, go 'head get down. Get down girl, go 'head get down. Get down girl, go 'head get down. Get down girl, go 'head.

Selma tells us how she conquered her fear with an amazing man. Or, maybe she took my "spa treatments and Adam Levine" advice and told them she was terrified of something she actually enjoys. Or it's just easy to shimmy up a rock when you only weigh 110 pounds.

Next, continuing with the non-glamour theme, they arrive at a cutesy little campground with themed travel trailers, a little pool, a little fire, and a big lounge chair. They snuggle. They talk about how she was born in Baghdad. How she was raised in a very strict Muslim home. And how her mom is, let's just say, super not jazzed about her being on this show. I'm guessing she's not too excited about Selma's boobtastic tank top either. They continue to snuggle and talk all whispery-like. Sean mentions kissing her and she says she just can't kiss him so publicly. He says he understands and respects that. Then she tells the camera that he'll just have to wait until she's his only lady.

So is this about religious convictions and respecting your family? Or does she want to be THAT girl? The one who is all "You can't kiss me unless..."  Because that usually ends well.

At any rate, Sean can't NOT give her the rose because then he looks like an insensitive bigot. And also, he contends he's crazy about her.
Time for the group date. When the card arrived, it said "Let's roll with the punches".

Lindsay says she thinks they will be rolling down hills in giant hamster balls. Because obviously that's the first thing we all think of when someone says "roll".

Since she didn't mention it AT ALL last week, Sarah says she doesn't think having one arm is going to slow her down.

And, upon entering the building, Tierra says she sees a "skull and two bones". Crossbones, sweetie. Those are called crossbones. Geeze. Has she never even seen Pirates of the Caribbean?

AshLee tells us she is a girly girl and doesn't do anything adventurous. Wow. She knows how to make herself sound fun.

Anyway, it's roller derby. Whoo hooo!

Amanda tells the other team she has done roller derby before. Then she tells us she hasn't but she wanted to intimidate them. It seems effective as she is probably the best one on skates.

Meanwhile, Sarah's lack of arm might be slowing her down. She's sitting on the sidelines crying and saying she doesn't think she can do this. She said it's truly a physical hurdle and her body works differently, especially her balance. While I think the tears might have been a teensy bit overdone, I generally have no problem with the rest of her statement. I can see where something like roller derby would be pretty challenging for her. But also, I can see where Sean can't just not take her on any physically-challenging dates. Because it would be rude. And because Sean isn't the one planning the dates and the producers obviously enjoy putting people in the worst possible situations.

After talking to AshLee some and then to Sean, who says he has no problem with her choosing to sit it out, she decides to participate. But then... THUMP!

Amanda face-plants and cracks her chin pretty hard. The medic assesses her and says she needs to go to the hospital because she could have fractured her jaw.

Sean sees her off, then gathers the girls around to update them. He says "Amanda went to the hospital for precautionary reasons". The girls eyes visibly glazed over. I'm not saying they're dumb. I'm just saying maybe we should limit it to the fewer syllables. "Amanda went to the doctor to see about the boo-boo on her chin chopper."


Then Sean tells the girls that maybe roller derby isn't a great idea and they should just have a free skate instead. Ooooh, I hope they play Endless Love! What? Friends listen to Endless Love together in the dark.

Next, the rooftop after party. Because, of course.

A few of the girls tell Tierra she did well and she should get into roller derby. She snaps and says "NO!" Amanda returns (more on that in a second) and Robyn comments that she didn't see what happened because she was on the other team "AshLee, Sarah, what happened?" Tierra snaps again. "Really? AshLee? Sarah? I was on that team!" Robyn walks away. Tierra gripes that it's like she's not even there. Believe me, Tierra, they wish that were the case.

Amanda and Sean are talking. She tells the camera that she wasn't hurt that badly but she loves the sympathy and is going to milk it for all it's worth. Hey, at least I can respect the honesty. Except, now with her chin a little swollen, she looks just like someone. I can't place who. It's driving me crazy.

Sean gives her a kiss on the chin. She then tells us "What? A kiss on the chin? I guess I should have said I had my tonsils removed" and then makes a horrible tongue-out kissy face. Which was actually hilarious.

Meanwhile Tropical Storm Tierra continues to rage. She says it's "fustrating". You know what I find fustrating? When people don't put an R in "frustrating"! She marches up to a producer and says she wants to leave. She tells us Sean is a great guy but why should she be tortured every day and live life uneasy? She can't take the fakeness. She's breaking down inside.



Tortured? Really? I'm sure thousands of POWs are like "Oh, yeah. You should come to our support group. You've obviously been through so much!"  Except she might really need a support group and experience legit torture when Regina George sees those hoop earrings.

Lindsay and Sean (I think it was Linsday. Anyway, some chick..) are about to head to the hot tub. Tierra is crouched in the shadows, waiting. She leaps.

She and Sean talk. He tells her he's crazy about her. (Apparently that's his phrase. Personally, I think he should be more careful about saying crazy around this bunch...) They talk some more. She's suddenly fully recovered from the effects of the faux-torture. And, to really make all the girls like her even more, he gives her the group date rose.

AshLee sums it up best: "She's good."

Last date: A one-on-one for Lesley. I can't remember which one is H and which one is M. This is not the Arkansas / DC one that had a date already. The other one. When the date card arrived, a pair of diamond earrings was included. Lesley says she slept with them under her pellow. Ugh. Look, I have a number of friends who say "pellow" when they mean "pillow". I don't get it. And it's not a regional dialect thing, either. It's an annoying thing. When you need medicine, you don't take a pell. I just don't get it.

Sean arrives, wearing the worst outfit ever made. Jeans, a black button up and a vest. It was like if Chandler Bing got dressed in the dark. The collar of the shirt wasn't even properly flipped out of the vest. The vest had these weird colorblock panels. I don't know. It was horrid. But he arrived in a Astin Martin, so whatever.

Lesley squeals at the car. Then she squeals when they arrive on Rodeo Drive. Sean says it's every girl's dream to shop on Rodeo Drive. Yes, the little girls in the Sudan who haven't eaten in two weeks are like "Hmmm. Rice or shopping on Rodeo Drive. Rodeo Drive!!"  Or, regular American girls... me, for example... also couldn't care less. I'm just not that fancy. I think I'm a smidgen fancy, but not Beverly Hills fancy. And THANK GOD for that! Again, do your thing. But me? I'd rather take a trip or spend the money in other ways. A $2,000 dress or a $5,000 purse isn't for me. I have some nice things but I keep it pretty in check. Mostly because my heathen dogs might destroy it. If they destroy a $100 item, I'll be super angry, but no one will be shot.

Lesley, however, concurs that Rodeo Drive is every girl's dream. Because, why? PRETTY WOMAN!!! SQUEEEE!!

Why do I have to say this every season?! Pretty Woman is about a hooker who nearly got raped by George Costanza. The main reason it turned out okay for her is because it was a movie! I guarantee you that 99.99% of hookers do not meet a rich, handsome savior. Stop aspiring to be like Pretty Woman!! And, Lesley, stop calling yourself a tan Julia Roberts. You are a tan Jessie Spano.

Lesley tries on dresses at Badgley Mishka. She squeals more. She's a VERY loud person. Her voice is loud. Her excited voice is louder. Her squeal is ear piercing.

She says these dresses are "Like nothing I've ever seen before. Or even tried on before."  Huh? So she has tried on things she's never seen? How does that work? And why?

Anyway, she finally picks out a dress. Then Sean takes her to Neil Lane's story to borrow a necklace. Which, by the way, is not on Rodeo Drive. It's a full 2 miles away. (Yes, obviously I Googled that. But still.) Neil lets her borrow a 120 carat diamond necklace.

She and Sean head to dinner at somewhere. A dark hotel or library or something. I don't know. It had a lot of balconies. Sean says he hopes something romantic will click tonight. When that is said, you can pretty much assure nothing will click. So, let's just skip the awkward dinner conversation and get right to the part where Sean picks up the rose and tells her he can't give it to her. Thanks for picking it up though. Douche.

He walks her out. She asks for help unhooking the necklace. He says she can keep the earrings. She warns him to be careful and that some of the girls are not here for the right reasons. She gets in the car and cries and says she would give back all the clothes and diamonds for more time with him.

He lumbers into the building and says he wished there had been a romantic connection because Ben Taylor was going to play a private concert for them. And then, because what fun would it be to say "Sorry, Ben Taylor, the girl got sent home. Pack it on up." he starts playing anyway from a landing on the stairs. While Sean woefully drops the rose off a balcony. Or, as my friend Laura pointed out, some poor PA had to drop 100 roses until they got just the right "hitting the ground, a few petals popping off" shot.

The next night, the Cocktail Party begins and Sean tells the girls that they may question his decisions but they can always come and talk to him about it.

Instead of talking, he and AshLee kiss.

Next up, Robyn decides she wants to grab his attention. She tells him she has a pick up line for him. Really? Are you supposed to tell someone you have a pick up line? Doesn't that defeat the purpose? This is like how I'm trying to teach my niece to prank people... we will take a candy wrapper and fill it with scrap paper or other wrappers so it's the same size as the real deal. Then I'll tell her to hand it to Nana or Uncle David. She will giggle. Then she will say "Here Nana. *giggle* It's fake!"  *womp, womp*

So, for Robyn's hyped up pick up line, she shows him a piece of chocolate and then asks if he would like to taste the chocolate. He says yes. She says "Which chocolate?" and he kisses her. No, you're right. That's so much worse than my niece's inability to candy prank people.

While this is going on Tortured Tierra walks past the other girls, flaunting her rose.

And then it hits me. AMANADA LOOKS LIKE SUSAN BUNCH!! You know, Ross' ex-wife Carol's new wife? On Friends, of course.
Come on! It's a picture of Jessica Hecht from around the time she was playing Susan... but is it not Amanda?! I mean, Amanda was even wearing that same burgundy lipstick at the Cocktail Party!!

Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh, Tierra. She pulls Jackie and Robyn aside and says she wants to apologize to them for the other night. It goes something like this:

Tierra: I want to apologize for the other night. But, you kind of attacked me.
Robyn: You don't like me, and I'm not used to people disliking me.
Tierra: I never said I disliked you. That's your bad for assuming. I've learned to accept you for who you are. And Jackie, I've learned to accept you for who you are.
Everyone in America: Is this your first apology? It's really, really bad.

Tierra then tells us that, of course it was fake and forced, but if that's what she has to do to win this...

Meanwhile, Catherine says she is Tierrable. I'm starting to like Catherine. We haven't seen her much, but she's pretty funny. Then she goes on to say that Tierra is one way with the girls and another with Sean, but unless it it's detrimental to her (Catherine's) relationship with Sean, why would she tell him about it? Wait, what?! Logic?! Okay, cancel "starting to like Catherine". She's my new favorite.

Sean, however, still thinks Tierra is okay. She tells him that she hates drama (read: I LOVE DRAMA!) and girls have a hard time accepting who I am (read: a Tierrable $*&%^#) Sean tells us that Tierra requires more reassurance than the others but that's not a bad thing. He can read her. She's here for the right reason.

Yeah. To win. She said so about 10 minutes ago.

Lastly, he talks to Catherine. She gives him a note (which was on her thigh?) with a lip print on it. Then they talk about being attracted to each other but not wanting to kiss with so many onlookers. So they head to the driveway and do some smooching.

Time for the Rose Ceremony. Sean tells the girls he's already emotionally invested in "many of you". (Read: Except for those of you with names I can't remember. Which is well over half of you.)

Tierra and Selma already have roses.
Catherine
Desiree
Lindsay
Leslie
Robyn
AshLee
Sarah
Jackie

Chris Harrison comes and says it's the final rose. "When you're ready..." He forgot to explain what will happen if you don't get a rose. How will they know to take a moment and say their goodbyes? He'll have to come in again in a second and explain that to Amanda.

Final rose: Daniella

Luckily, Chris does come back and tell her to leave. Carol and Ben must be missing her. (Fun fact: Ross and Carol's son Ben would be 18 this year!)

Amanda says she feels rejected and hurt and that she's miserable and heartbreak is difficult to get over. I think she is confusing heartbreak with jaw injuries. But whatever.

Next week, more of the same... but 2 nights! Monday and Tuesday, full episodes. Which means I will probably post an "I'm can't bear to recap 4 hours" highlight on Wednesday. And no, I don't know why they're doing that. But, it looks like some people get hypothermia and another ambulance gets called. Yay!

Also, my DVD finally cooperated and I got to see the outtake scene. It was of Selma and Sean getting in the Jeep to drive to the rock climbing area. He killed the Jeep several times. Finally, she suggested he take off the brake. He begged her not to tell anyone.

Don't worry, Sean. Your secret is safe.

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Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Bachelor Sean {Week 3} Colds Sores and Conspiracy Theories

So, it's week 3. If it's possible, I think I care less about this season now than I did last week. Tell me I'm not the only one. I mean, Sean is fine. The girls are fine. Maybe it's just not crazy enough yet. I don't know. I just know that I used to take about 12 pages of notes (on plain computer paper, not like lined college-rule or anything) and this week I took 4. I take that to mean I'm 3 times more bored. You know what you're probably bored of? Me telling you how bored I am every week. Like I said, maybe it's just not crazy enough yet. We started to see the crazy a little bit this week, so there's still hope.

Also the same this week? We open with another shot of Shirtless Sean working out. In blue athletic shorts. Just like last week. So yeah, if they can have the same opening, can I too.

Back at the Mansion, Chris gathers the girls up and gives his usual speech about making the most of their time. Then he leaves the date card. It's for Lesley M. I'm assuming it's inappropriate to call her White Lesley to distinguish from her Black / Bi-Racial Leslie. So, I won't say that. This is the political consultant Lesley who is from Arkansas but now lives in DC.

They arrive at the Guinness World Record museum. That may not be its official name, but you get the point. Lesley has a "Where's my freaking helicopter?" look on her face. But, don't worry, Sean's about to show her something that will totally rock her world.

Look at that! Is that Sean's dad in a picture?! It sure is!! He holds the record for the fastest time to drive through the 48 contiguous states. 97 hours, 7 minutes. OH MY GOSH!? NO WAY! YOUR DAD IS SO FAMOUS!! Ugh.

I'm conflicted about world records. I think the naturally-occurring ones are cool. Like, oldest person, tallest person, etc. Maybe even largest squash or pumpkin. But the ones you try to set usually end up feeling really corny to me. If they take an extreme amount of skill or preparation (hello, space jump? Tight rope across Niagara Falls?) I guess that's pretty cool. But you drove through 48 states in 4 days? Sorry. I'm not terribly excited by that. Perhaps I'm just jealous that my own prospects for a world record seem grim. Unless there's something involving Skittles...

But, not content to let his dad be the only world record holder in the Lowe family, Sean suggests they set their own record.

And, speaking of records, Chris Harrison is on site to tell them what it will be. What's with Chris showing up in so many scenes this season? He's hot under the collar for Sean, I'm tellin' you...

So, the record? Longest on-screen kiss. The previous record is 3 minutes, 15 seconds. Sean and Lesley must kiss for 3 minutes, 16 seconds. See what I mean about dumb records? There are 14 year olds all over the country who could beat this record, but there wasn't a camera in their face. (Actually, there probably was. Did anyone check YouTube?)

To a cheering crowd, Sean and Lesley start smooching. And the cold sore I was already concerned I might be getting started tingling. Because, eeew. Kissing in a movie or something is one thing, but standing on a platform in front of a crowd while on a TV show known for the lead kissing dozens of people? That's herp-tastic.

In voiceovers, Lesley said it alternated between passionate and awkward. Sean said he was trying not to laugh as the crowd was cheering because then their lips would have come unsealed. Boy, these two have sexy talk down to an art.

After 3:16, they set the record and break apart. (Thought: Why didn't they go for a little cushion? Like 3:45? Because you know next season someone is going to break their record by a second.)

Sean says it was an easy record to break. And tweets started flying about how disconcerting it is that Sean thinks 3 minutes of kissing is impressive.

My favorite part of the whole kissing extravaganza was the commercial break that followed. First, for clinical strength deodorant, including an explanation of how "stress sweat" is four times stinkier than regular sweat. Then a mouthwash commercial. The only thing that could have made it more perfect would have been an Abreva ad and a pregnancy test. Or that home HIV test thing.

Following the kissing, they climb to the roof of some old hotel for drinks and snuggling. Lesley points out she's never done this (drinking and snuggling atop a hotel) before. Sean says he hasn't either. That's what I love about this show. They generally set up dates that people haven't done before. You know, unless you were on a previous season. Yet, everyone feels the need to point out they've never done it before. "Oh, I've never eaten dinner in Iceland before!" "Wow! I've never been to a private concert in Croatia before." Yeah, that's kind of the point. Also, you'll probably never do it again, but now you've been spoiled and that's why you'll still be single and on Bachelor Pad 34.

They talk about her upbringing. She says she actually loved junior high and high school. Of course, this made people tweet that she was from Mean Girls. But she quickly adds she was a nerd and took AP classes. So, I guess that makes her Cady Heron. And also, all her AP teachers are like "Great. All that work we put into her and look where she ends up. On The Bachelor."

She goes on and on about how her parents are still best friends and hold hands and are madly in love and that's what she wants, too.

This season's theme is clearly "We don't have Daddy Issues" as girl after girl touts their happy family. And, don't get me wrong, I am encouraged to hear about enduring marriages and stable homes. But also, you're on The Bachelor, so there's that.

Don't get me started on the "marrying your best friend" thing. I get it, sort of. But, as I've said before, have another best friend too. I love my husband and I'd rather spend time with him than with just about anyone. But, sometimes I need to talk about him. That pin on Pinterest that says "Never talk bad about your husband to anyone ever" or something. I 98% agree. I'm very careful about airing our dirty laundry with others. But I do need to vent sometimes. That's when I call Dena. My best friend. Because she is who I trust to listen and not judge me or him. Parents can't do that. Siblings can't do that. And your spouse can't do that. Plus, while I firmly believe that MOST of the time you need to talk to your spouse about the problem rather than about him to someone else, sometimes it's something I just need to get off my chest but I know it will cause an even bigger thing if I bring it up with him. And I don't want that. If I vent to Dena and she assures me that I'm not crazy (or, because she's my best friend, will tell me if I am being crazy), I feel better. No need to get into it with him. I'm not talking about major issues. I'm saying he knows I hate it when he leaves his socks everywhere. I HAVE talked to him about it. But, the socks are still everywhere. So instead of nagging him, I will call her and say "I swear, I'm going to gather up all his socks and burn them in the front yard." And then we laugh and move on and all is well. So, seriously people, have a best friend. Don't put them above your spouse. Don't burden them with everything your spouse does that you don't like. But, for crying out loud, mouth off about socks for two minutes. It's okay. Really. It doesn't make you a bad wife. Whew. Okay.

Blah blah blah... maybe they will be each other's best friend. They are already developing feelings. Here's a rose. Let's kiss some more.

Lastly one of them tells us it's not everyday you meet someone so smart, so funny, and so sexy. Which is true. For people who don't get to meet me on a daily basis. *ba dum chee*
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